Share out some jokes you've got from your friend's email and post it here. That will make those working in the office has a better day

Some old joke:

There was a Chinese lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed somehow to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.

The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. She brought her husband to the store.......... so what did she do?

??

??

??

??

??

??

??

What are you thinking?

??

??

??

??

??

??

??

HellOOOooooooOOOooo, her husband speaks English!!

I just got this today :

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing
for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him on the seventh
day, resting. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a
deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the
clouds "Look Michael, look what I have made." Said God.

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God' "and I've put life on it, I'm going to
call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth.
"For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and
wealth, while South America is going to be poor. The Middle East over
there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've
placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of
black people." God continued pointing to different countries. "This one
will be extremely hot and this one extremely cold, and this one covered
in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a
small land mass and said, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's
Malaysia, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes,
rivers, streams and hills. The people from Malaysia are going to be
modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling
the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high
achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and
carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about
balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE! So if Malaysians are going
to be that great, you must've created some really corny people to balance them out"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm
putting right next to them. They're called Singaporeans!!"



no hard feelings for our southern neighbours its just a joke

Who wrote this joke ??

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
(At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call.)
Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"
Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"


*******************************************************

One woman called a toll-free line to ask how to install the batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000 for this stupid thing, and I'm not going to read the book."

*******************************************************

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

*******************************************************

Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer "No..."

*******************************************************

Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

*******************************************************

At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the computer's asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars.
Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."
Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an outage."
Customer: "What is that?"
Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer."
Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar . . ."

Thanks for the laughter.

*Go dig out some old jokes....*

Definitely not a singaporean...haha

more dug out from my pc...enjoy..


A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."

"Yeah what happened?" asked his friend.

The first guy replies, "Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."

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"Marketing 101"
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed". That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed". That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed". That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed". That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed". That's Brand Recognition.

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"The Honest Wife"
A man who was driving a car with his wife was stopped by a police officer. The following exchange took place.
The man says, "What's the problem, officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gave his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight. "
Man: "Broken taillight? I didn't know about a broken taillight!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that taillight for weeks." (The man gave his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
The man turned to his wife and yelled, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The officer turned to the woman and asked, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife said, "No, only when he's drunk."

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"An Honest Mistake"
A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room. The husband was standing there, pulling up his pants, and said, "I think she choked."

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"The Infant-Sized Penis"
Jim decided to propose to Sandy. But prior to her acceptance, Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts the maturity of a 12 year old's.
He stated that it was okay, because he loved her so much. However, Jim felt this was the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said, "I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant's, and I hope you can deal with that once we are married."
She said, "Yes. I will marry you and learn to live with your infant- sized penis." Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Jim rushed Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, and holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant's!"
"It is . . . 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches!"

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measurement
On returning from battle in the Falkland Islands, 3 soldiers are asked to report to their commander. The commander states that because of services rendered the army will pay each soldier a sum of £100 pound per inch on their bodies, from one point to another of their choice. The commander asks the first soldier, a special forces commando, how he can measure him up. "I'll have the top of my head, to the tips of my toes, sahr!" replies the man of war. "Excellent," says the commander, that's "70 inches, so here's £7000." Secondly a marine states that he will have the tip of one arm outstretched measured to the other outstretched. "Excellent," replies the commander after measuring the marine, "75 inches, so that's £7500." Thirdly he asks the explosives expert. "I'll have measured the tip of my d*** to he end of my balls sahr!" The commander is a little taken aback by this but agrees, and after several seconds down in the private's privates he snaps back up saying "Where in Christ are your balls soldier?!" The soldier smiles at him and says "Falkland Islands sahr!"

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JJJ
It seems that there were twin brothers by the name of Jones, John and Joe. John was married and Joe was single. Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated boat. It so happened that Joe's boat sank on the same day that John's wife died.
A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street, and mistaking him for John said:" I was sorry to hear of your great loss, and you must feel terrible." Joe replied; " Well, I am not a bit sorry. She was a rotten old thing from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up, and she smelled of old fish. The first time I got into her she made water faster that anything I ever saw. She had a crack and a pretty big hole in front that kept getting bigger and bigger every time that I used her. It got so I could handle her all right, but when someone else was using her she leaked like anything. This is what finished her off: Four guys from the other side of town came down looking for a good time. They asked if I could rent her to them. I warned them that she wasn't so hot, but the crazy fools all tried to get into her at the same time. It was too much for her and she cracked right up the middle! " THE OLD LADY FAINTED.

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Deaf sex
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. "The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis ... fifty times"
Penis

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One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

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Wife
Late at night this guy runs into a pub and demands a glass of water from the landlord. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six pints later, and he has recovered enough to speak. "Thanks," he croaks. "That's one hell of a thirst you've got," says the landlord.

The guy says: "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't." "Where's your car?" the landlord asks. "At the roadside," the guy gasps.

"Tell you what," says the landlord, "you watch the bar for me while I nip out and take your place." "Be my guest," the guy says. So the landlord goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. And they get right down to it, humping away.

Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop, and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple. "What's going on here?" he asks. "It's all right, officer," explains the landlord, "She's my wife." The officer replies apologetically, "Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize."

Look at the woman the landlord says, "Neither did I till you switched on that damned light."

Below are four (4) questions.
You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are.

Ready?

GO!!! (scroll down)

First Question: You are participating in a race. You
overtake the second person. What position are you in?

Answer:
If you answered that you are first, then you
are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second
person and you take his place, you are second!


Try not to mess up in the next question.
To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.

Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Answer:
If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?

You're not very good at this are you?

Third Question: Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?

Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator!

Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth?
Answer:
Nunu? NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again.

haha, good jokes....thanks...

www.funny.com

The First Affair

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde
teenaged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they
always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine
months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to
the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see
the ugliest child he has ever seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the
father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."

Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around
on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time.

*******************************************
The Second Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the
dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.

As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated,
he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever
seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off
to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be
saved for posterity."

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's
schlong.

The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The
first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you
won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh my god!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

*******************************************

The Third Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner."

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with
talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered.

"Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly.

"The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one
for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night
when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the
kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot
at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of
water."

somemore i got in the mail...

Ah Seng wants to make love with Ah Lian but he is afraid that Ah Lian will get pregnant, so he approaches his friend Ah Beng for advice. Ah Beng said "Aiya, very easy one lah. Nah, take this packet of condoms and follow the instructions, nothing will happen one." So Ah Seng takes the condom and at night makes love with Ah Lian. Two months later, Ah Seng comes to look for Ah Beng and tells him that Ah Lian is pregnant.
"Cannot be what, did you follow the instructions or not?" asks Ah Beng.
"Na -bei! Got lah. The box says "Stretch the condom over organ before intercourse, I got no organ, so I stretch it over my piano loh."

=======================================================

Ah Beng to a long-distance telephone operator:
"Could you please tell me the time difference between
Taipei and Las Vegas?"
Operator: "Just a minute......"
Ah Beng: "Thank You," and puts down the phone.

=======================================================

At a bar in New York, the man to Ah Beng's left tells
the bartender," JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." and his
companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE."
The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks," AND YOU,
SIR?"
Ah Beng replies:" Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED."

=======================================================

After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on
quite for some time, Ah Beng proudly shows off the
finished puzzle to a friend.
"It took me ONLY FIVE MONTHS TO DO IT," Ah Beng brags.
"FIVE MONTHS? THAT'S TOO LONG," the friend exclaims.
"YOU ARE A FOOL."
Ah Beng replies," NO LAH, SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN
FOR 4-7YRS, LEH!"

=======================================================

Ah Beng took part in the Singapore Manhunt
Competition. During the Q&A segment, the host asks,
"Name a drink that begins with the letter 'G'."
The crowd shouts, "Gin! Gin!"
Others exclaim, "No it's Grape Juice!"
Another smart aleck yells, "Alamak, Gatorade!"
Host: "Quiet please."
Ah Beng laughs hysterically like a hyena before
replying, "C'mon man, you think I need your help? I
got more original answer: Guni!"(cow milk in Hokkien).

=======================================================

Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using
it when he encountered some problems. He decided to
use the 'Help' command.
After some tries, he became irritated and called the
computer retailer for support.
Ah Beng:" I pressed the 'F1' key for help...but it's
been over half an hour and still nobody has came to
help me???"
Computer Retailer:...............

=======================================================

In an English class:
Teacher: "Class, do you know the meaning of parents?"
Ah Beng: "Yes, teacher, it means father and mother."
Teacher: "Good. Can you give me an example?"
Ah Beng: "Sure. Cowboy's parents mean cowboy's father
and mother. Also can say
Cowboy's father is Cow Pay and Cowboy's mother is Cow
Boo. So together we say Cow Pay Cow Boo (KPKB)."
Teacher fainted...............

=======================================================

Ah Beng with his two red ears went to his doctor. The
doctor asked him what happened to his ears and he
answered," I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring
loh but instead of picking up the phone, I
accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my
ear. So kena loh!" "Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in
disbelief. "But...what happen to the other ear?"
"Aiyah! That stoooopid dumbo called back!"

=======================================================

Ah Beng and Ah Seng rent a boat and fish in a lake
everyday.
One day, they caught 30 fishes.
Ah Beng said to Ah Seng," Mark this spot so that we
can come back here again tomorrow."
The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat,
Ah Beng asked Ah Seng," Did you mark that spot?" Ah
Seng replied," Yeah, I put a big X on the bottom of
the boat,"
Ah Beng said," You stupid fool! What if we don't get
that same boat today !?!?"

=======================================================

Ah Beng and Ah Seng exited and locked the car in a
hurry, forgetting to remove the key which was in the
ignition. Realizing the mistake, Ah Beng asked," Why
don't we get a coat hanger to open it?"
"No, that won't work," answered Ah Seng." People might
think we're trying to break in."
Then Ah Beng suggested," What if we use a pocket knife
to cut the rubber, then stuck a finger in and pull up
the lock?"
"No," said Ah Seng. "People will think we're too dumb
to use a coat hanger."
The "kan cheong" Ah Beng shouted," We better think of
something fast. It's staring to rain and the sunroof
is open!!!"

=======================================================

Ah Beng serving his NS overseas and far from home, was
annoyed and upset when his girl Ah Lian wrote breaking
off their engagement and asking for her photograph
back. He went out and collected from his friends all
the unwanted photographs of women that he could find,
bundled them all together and sent them to her with a
note stating the following:
"Regret cannot remember which one is
you...............
please keep your photo and return the others."

=======================================================

Once Ah Beng , Ah Seng and Ah Lian went for dinner at
the Compass Rose at the top of the Westin Stamford .
After dinner, they went to the lift scanned the
buttons and couldn't find the button for the first
floor. Ah Beng suggested taking the stairs but Ah Lian
decided to press the lift button "G". They found
themselves on the first ground and Ah Beng remarked,
"Wah, you so smart, ah. How did you know this was
ground floor?" Ah Lian replied ," Aiyah so simple you
also dunno! G: stands for gero loh!"

=======================================================

One evening, Ah Beng and Ah Lian went to a lounge and
requested the DJ to play the song "Ah Cheng Buey Lo
Ti" (Ah Cheng buys bread). The DJ told them they only
played English songs and asked them to request another
song. They were upset and complained to the manager
that the DJ was insulting them. After many hours of
calming them down, the manager found out they were
actually requesting the Righteous Brothers song,
"Unchained Melody".

=======================================================

Ah Beng and Ah Seng went to a hawker centre. Ah Seng
noticed the hygiene grades issued by the Ministry of
Health pasted at each stall and asked Ah Beng, "Eh,
the 'A', 'B', 'C' and 'D' stand for what ah?" Ah Beng
snorted and said, "Aiyah, this sort of thing you also
dunno! 'D' stand for 'delicious', 'C' stand for 'can
eat', 'B' stand for 'buay sai' (cannot) and 'A' stand
for 'Alamak'!"

=======================================================

Long time ago, a rich Singapore tycoon wanted to know
how happy a man could be if he was given one wish. He
paid three people to test out his experiment. The
rules were:
1. Each person could only have one wish.
2. They will be left on a deserted island for 30
years.
3. Food, but not liquor would be provided.
The first contestant, Billy Clinton (USA) asked for 30
prettiest PLAYBOY centerfolds: "So I can make the most
beautiful babies in the world."
The second contestant, Jon Major (UK) said, "I want 30
years' supply of booze."
The last contestant, Ah Beng (Singapore) said, "I want
30 years' supply of Saa-lim (Salem) cigarettes so I
can smoke until I song-song."
30 years later, the three contestants came back for a
press conference. Billy had with him 200 children and
30 estranged women. He remarked, "It has been a long
sexual experience for me and was wondering whether
anyone care to buy a child. I will even throw in the
mother for free!" Jon, hanging on to a bottle of beer,
was suffering from a hangover but he managed to utter
these words. "God save the Beer! The Queen can drink
seawater." The last contestant, Ah Beng, hugging onto
cartons of Salem shouted, "Ni na
beh! Buay kee gia lighter!!!" (@#$*! Forgot to bring
lighter!)

=======================================================

Last night, an incident took place at Boat Quay. What
happened was some idiot was trying to show off and
declared that he could swim across the Singapore
River. He jumped in and started swimming. But before
he could reach the halfway mark, he started to panic
and started to shout for help. Being typical
Singaporeans, a crowd started to gather to watch and
yet no attempt was made by anybody to save that poor
chap. Suddenly there was a splash and the crowd turned
to see a guy doing what seemed like a desperate
attempt to reach the drowning victim. It was clear
that this hero couldn't swim! Luckily a tongkang
filled with tourists was passing by and the operator
saw the incident and picked both men from the water.
The crowd cheered! Back on shore, the crowd cheered
again as the hero stepped off the tongkang. "Steady
lah!" and "Awright, man!" were among any
congratulations shouted. Ah Beng looked angry and
shouted "Ka ni na! Siang too wa loh chui?" (*%#@! Who
pushed me into the water?")

=======================================================

Ah Beng joined a quiz show and was asked to a name
three fruits whose names begin with "A". Ah Beng
immediately said "Apple...Apricot..." then he was stumped.
After a while, he finally shouted triumphantly, "Ang
Mor Tan!"

=======================================================

Ah Beng ordered a pizza and the waitress asked if he
should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

=======================================================

How do you make Ah Beng laugh on Saturday?
Tell him a joke on Wednesday.

=======================================================

"Oh, look at the dead bird."
Ah Beng looked skyward and said, "Where, where got?"

=======================================================

Why did Ah Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends?
Because below 18 was not allowed.

Recently, there has been a spate of mergers, RHB and Sime Bank,etc. Rumours in the market have it that Lam Soon Huat and Parkson plan to merge - The proposed new name for the company is, you have guessed it-

"LamPar".

However, it is suspected that KLSE will object to this, since it would be
deemed not proper for lady brokers and remisiers to transact LP shares on
behalf of their male clients. Moreover, Lam Par name seems very crude and it
means scrotum in Hokkien

examples :

The people : " How much is Lam Par now?", " I want to sell Lam Par at 60
cents."

The male broker : " How much do you want to buy Lam Par?"

The female broker : " Lam Par, 60 cents, sold!"

The newspaper : "Good management lifts Lam Par.", "Lam Par drop again.",
"Lam Par suspended.", "Plunging Lam Par needs Viagra", "Lam Par is being
squeezed out as market leader."

The employees : "We are Lam Par employees."

The interviewer : "Mr. Wu, you have written in your resume that your last
company was ...er... Lam Par. Did they treat you so badly that you have to
put in an abusive term for them?"

Share buyer was heard doing a transaction with his remisier over the
handphone inside the LRT.

Buyer : " Hey, Mr.Tan buy for me Lam Par... Nor Liap. (Literally it means:
Buy for me 2 lots of Lam Par shares)

Remisier: " I can't hear you, buy order louder."

Buyer (very loud): "Lam Par lah.... Nor Liap...OK?"

All the commuters : Stunned, especially the ladies.

After receiving long complaints from many female remisiers, the "Lam Par"
shareholders decide to do something to their "Lam Par"...They sit down
together and brainstorm for the new name...After going through many days of discussion and arguments, finally Parkson agrees to inject more capital and everyone agrees to the new name : "Par Lam"

When SC receives the request to change name, he asks: "Hey, what is the
difference? Lam Par Par Lam...."

wahhaaha nice ah beng jokes hehe

heres something i got:

Bob composition : Part 3

got this from emel ..think its kinda funny so post here anyone need traslation pls say so

========================================================

> > pade satu hari, ade seko babi. die ade seko kawan baik yang bernama
> > badak...
> >
> > Pada satu ari, babi itu meminta rakannya melukis gambarnya.Badak
pon
> > menggunakan segala kekreatifan yang ada padanye utk. melukis gambar
> > kawannye
> > itu....
> > Apabila lukisan itu siap,badak pun menyerahkan lukisan itu kpd
babi
> itu.
> > Selepas
> > memerhati lukisan tu,dengan sepantas kilat sang babi itu memst here anyone need traslation pls say so

========================================================

> > pade satu hari, ade seko babi. die ade seko kawan baik yang bernama
> > badak...
> >
> > Pada satu ari, babi itu meminta rakannya melukis gambarnya.Badak
pon
> > menggunakan segala kekreatifan yang ada padanye utk. melukis gambar
> > kawannye
> > itu....
> > Apabila lukisan itu siap,badak pun menyerahkan lukisan itu kpd
babi
> itu.
> > Selepas
> > memerhati lukisan tu,dengan sepantas kilat sang babi itu memberi
satu
> > flying
> > kick kat badak .... kesian badak terselit kat celah batu tempat dia
> > melukis
> > kawan nya tu..... lalu babi tu berkata "lagi sekali ko lukis gambar
aku
> > macam babi, aku bunuh ko".

========================================================

hehe

Gua tala paham

lol


Attached thumbnail(s)

ah_Keng:
Is it you are the pig in jellybean's joke ?? (j/k)

Joke 1
Boy goes 4 Blood Test. Nurse takes the sample but can't find cotton so she
Sucks his Finger!
Boy is so happy he asks, Can I gat a Urine Test also?

Joke 2
Do u know why guys fart louder? Because in between his legs, there is
1microphone & 2 speakers.

Joke 3
A wife asks hubby how many women he had slept with? Husband proudly replies
only u darling; with others I was awake!

Joke 4
A man ask doc. how to live longer?
Doc ask him :U Smoke?
Ans : No
U drink?
Ans No.
U play mahjong?
Ans No
U like sex?
Ans No.
Then U want to live so long 4 what?

Joke 5
Phone rings & maid picks up phone as her master is bathing.... Wen the
caller asked what is he doing,
the maid replied "mastur bating"

"Dua ekor hantu bertemu dan bercerita bagaimana mereka mati......
> > Hantu 1 : Bagaimana kau boleh mati?
> > Hantu 2 : Aku mati akibat kesejukan...
> > Hantu 1 : Macam mana rasanya mati dlm kesejukkan tu?
> > Hantu 2 : Sebenarnya aku terkurung dalam peti ais...mula2 aku cuma
> > menggigil, lepas tu anggota aku mula membeku, kemudian aku rasa
dunia
>aku
> > gelap dan akhirnya.....tapi aku rasa bersyukur kerana aku mati
tanpa
> > banyak kesakitan....
> > Hantu 1 : Ishhh...kesiannya kau
> > Hantu 2 : Kau pulak, macam mana kau boleh mati....?
> > Hantu 1 : Aku kena serangan sakit jantung...
> > Hantu 2 : Oooo...cam mana kau boleh kena serangan sakit jantung?
> > Hantu 1 : Sebenarnya aku dapat tahu isteri aku curang. Suatu hari,
aku
> > balik ke rumah secara mengejut. Aku nampak ada kasut lelaki kat
depan
> > pintu. Aku tahu mesti isteri aku sedang bermesra dengan jantan
lain..
>Aku
> > berlari masuk bilik tidur, cuma ada isteri aku...aku tahu mesti
jantan
>tu
> > bersembunyi kat mana2..aku lari masuk bilik air, tak de jugak,
kemudian
> > aku lari ke tingkat bawah, tengok dalam setor, pun tak ade...aku
lari
>naik
> > tingkat atas semula, tengok dalam almari.....sebab terlalu penat
aku
> > berlari la aku kena sakit jantung...memang sakit dan akhirnya....
> > Hantu 2 : Apasal kau tak tengok dalam peti ais...kalau tak, kita
berdua
> > masih hidup lagi sekarang ni....

Why New Changi Hospital (NCH) changed its name
>
> >to Changi General Hospital (CGH)? Because NCH stands for
>
> >"Never Come Home". That's why business was very bad before
>
> >it changed its name.
>
> >
>
> >Now CGH stands for "Can Go Home". So business is picking up.
>
> >
>
> >Business in Singapore General Hospital (SGH) is still going
>
> >strong because SGH stands for "Sure Go Home"!
>
> >
>
> >Now National University Hospital (NUH) is also considering a
>
> >name change. It stands for "No Use Hospital"!
>

>>Do you know the reason why Singapore government restricts the
>>citizens not to chew gum? Here is the story....
>>
>>One day Lee Kwan Yew went to Thailand and had lobster at the dinner
>>with the Thai King. After Lee finished, he asked the King.
>>Lee : Your Highness, what can you do with this lobster skin?
>>King : We cannot do anything with it, we just throw away.
>>Lee : Oh, no. In our country, we send it to the factory and
>>produce some prawn cracker.
>>
>>Then Lee had an orange. After he finished, he asked the King.
>>Lee : What can you do with the orange skin?
>>King : We cannot do anything. We just throw away.
>>Lee : Oh, no. In Singapore, we send it to the factory and produce
>>some orange jam.
>>
>>Then Lee asked for some chewing gum. After he finished, he put on
>>the plate and asked the King.
>>Lee : What can you do with the chewing gum?
>>King : Oh, no. We just throw it away.
>>Lee : In Singapore, we send it to the factory and produce condoms
>>send
>>it to Thailand.
>>
>>Lee said good-bye to the King and the King asked Lee.
>>King : What can you do with the condom when you finish using it?
>>Lee : We cannot do anything. We throw it away.
>>King : In Thailand when we finish using the condom, we send it to
>>the factory to produce chewing gum and send it back to
>>Singapore!!!
>>

Da below conversation really happened on S'pore radio
recently, I think some of ya had heard it on the radio too. If not
read this.....

THIS IS REALLY FUNNY!

Presenter : Good morning. This is Power 98 & do you want to play a game?
Contestant : Yeah, why not.

Presenter : Good. It is a simple game. When I say something you have to give an answer that is opposite to what I have said. For eg. when I say Sharp, you have to answer Blunt. OK?
Contestant : OK.

Presenter : Sun
Contestant : Moon.

Presenter : Black
Contestant : White.

Presenter : Tall
Contestant : Short.

Presenter : Dog
Contestant : Cat.

Presenter : Man
Contestant : Woman

Presenter : Cock
Contestant : CHIBAI !!!

RADIO SILENCE !!!!!!

Presenter : These things sometimes happen and we are on air live. Let's take a commercial break here.

Buahahahhahaahhahahah.....

test test.... cannot upload last time...


Attached thumbnail(s)

See this essay


Attached thumbnail(s)

And this one!!


Attached thumbnail(s)

in english :

====================================================================

once upon a time theres a pig ... This pig has a best fren , hyppo

one day piggie ask hyppo to draw his picture ... and hyppo use all his creativity to draw the potrait

then hyppo show the pic to piggie .... piggie in anger give hyppo a flying kick and say :

"if u draw my picture like pig one more time .... ill kill you !! "

====================================================================

got it ? mind my bad english

aha... okok...

tenkyu

The question is: Why did the chicken cross the road?, every famous and
powerful person has different answers and grounds.


GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road. The chicken is either with
us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

AL GORE
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken
crossing the road represents the application of these two different
functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater
services to the American people.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed access to the other side of the road.


MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq's ambassador)
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We
don't even have a chicken.


SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it


HELEN CLARK
Unless the chicken had UN approval to cross, this is a blatant breach of
international law.


MARIAN HOBBS
Chickens must get resource consent to cross roads. Officials from the
Ministry for the Environment will investigate the activities of this
chicken.


DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, The
chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!


ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.


MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without
having their motives called into question.


JOHN LENNON
Imagine - chickens crossing roads everywhere - in peace.


FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have
to cross before you believe it?

BILL GATES
I have just released e-Chicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook -
and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the
chicken?


BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken?
Could you define chicken, please?

chicken jokez.. where u ppl got that chickens jokez?

Email le...

A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her
arms around his neck: "Darling, I have great news: I'm a month
overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a
test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the door-bell,
because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs.
Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric
company.

"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"

"Absolutely."

"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a
bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next
morning.

"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month
overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you
have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

---------------------------------------

A guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school.
Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his younger brother
who
is only 9 years old.

One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun.
They
have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already
asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the
top
bunk.

As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembers
that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to
whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a
new
position.

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

She screams.

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!



Whoa!!!

PULL IT OUT!!!

PULL IT OUT NOW!!!

I can't get pregnant!

Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop
making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over
my face!*!*!*!*!

Subject: who?
>Date: Thu, 20 Feb 2003 18:16:26 -0800 (PST)
>
>George Bush: "Condoleeza! Nice to see you. What's
>happening?"
>Condoleeza Rice: "Sir, I have the report here about
>the new leader of
>China."
>George: "Great. Lay it on me."
>Condoleeza: "'Hu' is the new leader of China."
>George: "That's what I want to know."
>Condoleeza: "That's what I'm telling you."
>George: "That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new
>leader of China?"
>Condoleeza: "Yes."
>George: "I mean the fellow's name."
>Condoleeza: "Hu."
>George: "The guy in China."
>Condoleeza: "Hu."
>George: "The new leader of China."
>Condoleeza: "Hu."
>George: "The Chinaman!"
>Condoleeza: "Hu is leading China."
>George: "Now whaddya' asking me for?"
>Condoleeza: "I'm telling you Hu is leading China."
>George: "Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?"
>Condoleeza: "That's the man's name."
>George: "That's whose name?"
>Condoleeza: "Yes."
>George: "Will you or will you not tell me the name of
>the new leader of
>China?"
>Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."
>George: "Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought
>he was in the
>Middle
>East."
>Condoleeza: "That's correct."
>George: "Then who is in China?"
>Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."
>George: "Yassir is in China?"
>
>Condoleeza: "No, sir."
>
>George: "Then who is?"
>
>Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."
>
>George: "Yassir?"
>
>Condoleeza: "No, sir."
>
>George: "Look, Condoleeza. I need to know the name of
>the new leader of
>China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the
>phone."
>Condoleeza: "Kofi?"
>George: "No, thanks."
>Condoleeza: "You want Kofi?"
>George: "No."
>Condoleeza: "You don't want Kofi."
>George: "No. But now that you mention it, I could use
>a glass of milk.
>And
>then get me the U.N."
>Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."
>George: "Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N."
>Condoleeza: "Kofi?"
>George: "Milk! Will you please make the call?"
>Condoleeza: "And call who?"
>George: "Who is the guy at the U.N?"
>Condoleeza: "Hu is the guy in China."
>George: "Will you stay out of China?!"
>Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."
>George: "And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me
>the guy at the
>U.N."
>Condoleeza: "Kofi."
>George: "All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get
>on the phone."

ALL MEN HAVE ONE!!!!!!!!!
> > >
> > > I have one
> > > Your husband will have one
> > > Your mother uses your father's one
> > > And your auntie use's your uncle's one
> > > A married lady would acquire one
> > > But a divorced would lose her one
> > > A pope doesn't have one
> > > Madonna doesn't have one
> > > The chinese usually have short ones
> > > While the pakistanese ususally have long ones
> > > After your marriage your husband will give you his one?
> > > Longer or shorter you have to take his one
> > > Do you want one?
> > > How long do u want?
> > > Which one is your preferred one?
> > > Long one or short one?
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > (see below for the answer)
> > > What are u thinking of?
> > > Are u sure of your answer?
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > It's your SURNAME, what are u thinking of?
> > > You dirty mind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> > > hehehehe...........

A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband
> > > is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home
> > > unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom
> > > closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.
> > > She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that
> > > the little boy is in there already.
> > > The little boy says, "Dark in here."
> > > The man says, "Yes, it is."
> > > Boy - "I have a baseball."
> > > Man - "That's nice."
> > > Boy - "Want to buy it?"
> > > Man - "No, thanks."
> > > Boy - "My dad's outside."
> > > Man - "OK, how much?"
> > > Boy - "$250"
> > >
> > > In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy
> > > and the lover are in the closet together.
> > > Boy - "Dark in here."
> > > Man - "Yes, it is."
> > > Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
> > > The lover, remembering the last time, asks the
> > > boy,"How much?"
> > > Boy - "$750"
> > > Man - "Fine."
> > >
> > > A few days later, the father says to the boy,
> > > "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch. The boy says, "I can't ., I sold my baseball and my glove."
> > > The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
> > > Boy -"$1,000"
> > > The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
> > > They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
> > > The boy says, "Dark in here."
> > > The priest says, "Don't start that shit again".

You are in trouble
An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!."

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.

As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."

Try to catch the rabbit
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

that chickens jokez got cencored ka? i still remember got mahathir, abdullah badawi & samy vellu all gibe their answers

Biology Lesson in Class
> >
> > During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class:
> > "Why is that during childhood, gals tend to grow taller than guys?"
> >
> > A student replied: "That's because guys have "balls" and that
> > weighs them down."
> >
> > Teacher: "Then why is that at maturity, guys tend to grow taller
> > than gals?"
> >
> > Student: "That's because gals have breasts and they are heavier than
> > the guy's "balls"
> >
> > Teacher FAINTED

This Red Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look
> > on his face.
> >
> > "Say,Mom," he asked, "why is my bigger brother named 'Mighty Storm'?"
> > "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.",she replied.
> > "Why is my sister named 'Corn Flower'?"
> > "Well," his mother answered, "Your father and I were in a cornfield
> > when we made her."
> > "And why is my other sister called 'Moon Child'?"
> > "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived,"
> > the mother replied.
> > The mother then asked the boy, "Tell me, Broken Rubber, why are
> > you so curious?!"

Dealing with a lawyer
A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

one day the russian started a quest to dig the earth and see wat they have.... they dig until 100m and found some copper wire.... and make a statement "Our ppl has been using telephone for communication since 200 yrs ago"

when the american see this.. they start digging too... around it went deep until 500m... and found some fiber optic look a like and claim that "Our ppl has been using fiber optic for communication for 500yrs ago"

looking at both claims... the malaysian started to dig too.... 100m... 500m.... and 800m... they found NOTHING ! u know wat they claim ? "We are already using wireless communication 1000yrs ago"

LOL

Wife: If I sleep with your best friend what will be the first thought to come in your mind?
Husband: that you are a lesbian.
------------------------------------------------------------
Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in the U.S ?
Because the people started licking the wrong side
------------------------------------------------------------
Girl to hungry boyfriend: If my right leg was afternoon meal
& left leg evening meal what would you prefer?
Boyfriend: Eating between meals

Chu Kang ( PCK ) explaining sex to Chu Beng's son, Aloysius ..................

Aloy : Why is making love so enjoyable ?

PCK : Aiyah, ah boy, enjoyable becaws, same like when you dig your nose with your finger mah !

Aloy : Do you think women enjoy sex more than men?

PCK : Of course woman lah ! When you dig dig your nose, your nose feel better than your finger, right ?

Aloy : Why do women hate it when they get raped ?

PCK : Ai-yah ! Say, you walk along the load, den someone come over and dig your nose, you like or not ? Ehhh ? Don't pray pray ah

Aloy : Why is it a woman cannot have sex when she is having her menses?

PCK : Oy !! If your nose bleeding, you still go and dig meh?? Siow ah ! blain, use your blainnn ..........

Aloy : Why is it most men don't like wearing condoms when they are making love ?

PCK : Ehhhh, when you dig your nose ah, you like to dig with a glove on your finger or not ? Not the same shiok feeling mah. Corlight or not?

Aloy : Why is making love carried out in private ?

PCK : Ah boyyyyy, use your blain, use your blainnnnn . you go and dig your nose in flont of your whole class izit ?? Stupid lah!!

Aloy : Wah ...... Uncle Chu Kang, you are very good.

PCK : Aiyah ...... best in Singapore and JB, and some say Batam also ah !!!

Very interesting...
>>>
>>> > ...found on toilet doors and walls
>>> >
>>> >
>>> > A budding poet trying his BEST
>>> >
>>> > Graffiti 1
>>> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>> > Here I lie in stinky vapour, Because
>>> > some ******* stole
>>> > the toilet paper, Shall I lie, or
>>> > shall I linger, Or
>>> > shall I be forced to use my finger.
>>> >
>>> >
>>> > Before he graduated to be a poet, he wrote this....
>>> >
>>> > Washroom Graffiti 2
>>> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>> > Here I sit
>>> > Broken hearted
>>> > Tried to shit
>>> > But only farted
>>>
>>>Some one who had a different experience wrote
>>> >
>>> > Washroom Graffiti 3
>>> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>> > You're lucky
>>> > You had your chance
>>> > I tried to fart,
>>> > And shit my pants!
>>> >
>>> > Perhaps it is true that people get inspiration in toilets
>>> >
>>> > Washroom Graffiti 4
>>> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>> > I came here
>>> > To shit and stink,
>>> > But all I do
>>> > Is sit and think.
>>>
>>>There are also people who come in for a different purpose
>>> >
>>> > Washroom Graffiti 5
>>> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>> > Some come here to sit and think,
>>> > Some come here to shit and stink,
>>> > But I come here to scratch my balls,
>>> > And read the bullshit on the walls...
>>>
>>>Toilets walls are also job advertisement places.......
>>> >
>>> > Washroom Graffiti 6
>>> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>> > (written high upon the wall)
>>> > If you can piss above this line, the Singapore Fire Department
wants
>>>you.
>>>
>>> > Ministry of environment advertisement
>>> >
>>> > Washroom Graffiti 7
>>> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>> > We aim to please!
>>> > You aim too! Please!
>>> >
>>> > Washroom Graffiti 8
>>> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>> > Seen above a urinal:
>>> > Please do not throw cigarette butts in our urinal.
>>> > We don't piss in your ashtrays!
>>> >
>>> >
>>> > Washroom Graffiti 9
>>> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>> > On the inside of a toilet door:
>>> > patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the
>>> > entire performance.
>>> >
>>> > Washroom Graffiti 10
>>> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>> > A sign at a swimming pool bathroom:
>>> > We don't swim in your toilet, so please
>>> > don't pee in our pool!
>>> >
>>> > Washroom Graffiti 11
>>> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>> > Another sign seen at a swimming pool:
>>> > Welcome to our ool.
>>> > Notice there's no P in it.
>>> > Please keep it that way.
>>> > This should teach you a lesson
>>> >
>>> > Washroom Graffiti 12
>>> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>> > Sign seen at a restaurant:
>>> > The hands that clean these toilets also make your
>>> > food...please aim properly.

this thing is dedicated to all managers and CEO

no wonder the programmers working like hell...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Programmer to Team Leader:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"We CAN NOT do this proposed project. It will involve a major design
change and no one in our team knows the design of this system. Also
nobody in our company knows the language in which this application has
been written. If you ask my personal opinion, the company should never
take this type of project."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Team Leader to Project Manager:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"This project will involve a design change. Currently, we don't have any
staff who has experience in this type of work. Also, the language is
unfamiliar to us, so we will have to arrange for some training if we take
this project. In my personal opinion, we are not ready to take on a
project of this nature."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Project Manager to 1st Level Manager:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"This project involves a design change in the system and we don't have
much experience in that area. Also, not many people in our company are
appropriately trained for it. In my personal opinion, we would need more
time than usual to complete it."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
1st Level Manager to Senior Level Manager:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"This project involves design re-engineering. We have some people who
have worked in this area and others who know the implementation
language, so they can train other people. In my personal opinion we
should take this project, but with caution."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Senior Level Manager to CEO:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"This project will demonstrate to the industry our capabilities in
remodeling the design of a complete legacy system. We have all the
necessary skills and people to execute this project successfully. Some
people have already given in house training in this area to other staff
members. In my personal opinion, we should not let this project slip by us
under any circumstances."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
CEO to Client:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"This is the type of project in which our company specializes. We have
executed many projects of the same nature for many large clients. Trust
me when I say that we are the most competent firm in the industry for
doing this kind of work. It is my personal opinion that we can execute this
project successfully and well within the given time frame."

> My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
> > Henny Youngman
> > ---------------------------------------------------------
> > My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney
> > Dangerfield
> > --------------------------------------------------------
> > A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Milton Berle
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
> > George Burns
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the
> > carburetor". I asked her,"Where's the car?"She replied, "In the lake."
> > Henny Youngman
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
> > Phyllis Diller
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
> > Henny Youngman
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool
>when
>I
> > married you."
> > The husband replied,"Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let
> > him
>keep
> > her.
> > ---------------------------------------------------------
> > I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months, I don't like to interrupt
> > her.
> > --------------------------------------------------------
> > My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two
> > girlfriends.
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it
>since
> > the thief was spending much less than his wife did.
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
> > You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has,
> > You wish you had ordered that.
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
> > married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I' m still paying."
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't
>know
> > his wife until he marries her?
> > Dad: That happens in every country, son.
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was
> > until
>I
> > got married; then it was too late.
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
> > The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same
> > :"You
>can
> > have mine."
> > ---------------------------------------------------------
> > A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
> > "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. "A
> > billionaire." she replied.
> > ---------------------------------------------------------
> > The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get
> > to prove it.
> > --------------------------------------------------------
> > A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said,"Dad! I've
> > found a woman just like mother" His father replied,"So what do you
> > want? sympathy?"
> > --------------------------------------------------------
> > Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second
> > marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
> > word
>you
> > say, talk in your sleep.
> > ------------------------------------------------------------
> > I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
> > --------------------------------------------------------
> > It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only
> > seems longer.
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
> > ---------------------------------------------------------
> > A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful
>house,
> > a big car, the love of a beautiful woman - and then, BAM!, it was all
>gone!"
> > "What happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found out..."
> > ---------------------------------------------------------
> > Just think, if it weren' t for marriage, men would go through life
>thinking
> > they had no faults at all.
> > ---------------------------------------------------------
> > I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both
> > husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of
> > course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
> > A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
> > ---------------------------------------------------------
> > A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he
> > wants, But his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. The man
> > thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, give me million dollars and beat
> > me till I'm half dead."
> > ---------------------------------------------------------
> > Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.They've
> > experienced pain and bought jewellery.
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > How do most men define marriage?
> > An expensive way to get your laundry done free.
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
> > it once.
> > ---------------------------------------------------------
> > Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your
>parachute
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
> > Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
> >

Do you all know whats the meaning of Just Do It?? Everyone have an image, NIKE?? right.. Lets me post up a pic that Just Do It meanning for..

ALL MEN HAVE ONE!!!!!!!!!
> > >
> > > I have one
> > > Your husband will have one
> > > Your mother uses your father's one
> > > And your auntie use's your uncle's one
> > > A married lady would acquire one
> > > But a divorced would lose her one
> > > A pope doesn't have one
> > > Madonna doesn't have one
> > > The chinese usually have short ones
> > > While the pakistanese ususally have long ones
> > > After your marriage your husband will give you his one?
> > > Longer or shorter you have to take his one
> > > Do you want one?
> > > How long do u want?
> > > Which one is your preferred one?
> > > Long one or short one?
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > (see below for the answer)
> > > What are u thinking of?
> > > Are u sure of your answer?
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > It's your SURNAME, what are u thinking of?
> > > You dirty mind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> > > hehehehe...........

We SHELL not EXXONerate Saddam Hussein for his actions. We will MOBILize to meet this threat to vital interests in the Persian GULF until an AMOCOble solution is reached. Our best strategy is to BPrepared. Failing that, we ARCOming to kick your ass..."

Singlish vs English

Use Singlish. It~{!/~}s so much cheaper.
Why do we insist on using the Queen~{!/~}s English?
Singlish is so much more economical and effective?
Compare and see!


When going shopping...
Brit : I~{!/~}m sorry, Sir, but we don~{!/~}t seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
S~{!/~}porean: No Stock!

When returning a call...
Brit : Hello, this is Mr Bean. Did anyone page me a few moments ago?
S~{!/~}porean: Hello, who page?

When someone is in the way...
Brit : Excuse me, I~{!/~}d like to get by. Would you please make way?
S~{!/~}porean: Lai, siam! Or Siam, hor! Or Skius!

When someone offers to pay...
Brit : Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
S~{!/~}porean: no need lah

When asking for permission...
Brit : Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
S~{!/~}porean: (while pointing at door) Can pass or not?

When asking to be excused...
Brit : If you would excuse me for a moment, I have to go to the gents/ladies. Carry on without me, it would only take a moment.
S~{!/~}porean: Go toilet. Buay tahan ahh.....

When doubting someone...
Brit : I don~{!/~}t recall you giving me the money.
S~{!/~}porean: Got meh?

When disagreeing on a topic of discussion...
Brit : Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you~{!/~}re coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about the policy.
S~{!/~}porean: Talk cock lah you!

When asking someone to lower their voice...
Brit : Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice, I~{!/~}m trying to concentrate over here.
S~{!/~}porean: Eh, Tiam leh!

When asking someone if he/she knows you...
Brit : Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time. Do I know you?
S~{!/~}porean: See what see?! BUAY SONG AH?!

you all heard of blonde jokes...well here's a bunch of readhead jokes...

How do you get a redhead to argue with you?
Say something


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you love a redhead, set her free....if she follows you everywhere you go, pitches a tent in your front lawn and puts your new girlfriend in the hospital, she's yours.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


How do you get a redhead's mood to change?
Wait 10 seconds


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What is the difference between a redhead and a computer?
A redhead won't accept a three and a half inch floppy.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


What does a redhead, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


What's the true definition of a blonde?
Redhead with the fire of passion missing.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Only two things are necessary to keep a redhead happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between a blonde and a redhead in bed?
A blonde let's you leave the bed when you are satisfied- a redhead let's you leave the bed when she is satisfied.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Brunette after sex: "Oh that was great! Love you...wanna marry?" Blonde after sex: "Next!" Redhead after sex: "Better start chewing some VITAMINS, Kid.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


11 women, 10 blondes and 1 redhead, were on a hiking trip the Alps. While crossing a rope bridge, the ropes snapped and all 11 women had to cling to the dangling ropes for dear life. The rope was really stressed from all the weight so and they all knew that someone would have to let go so that the others would live. After a few moments of silence the redhead spoke up and volunteered to let go. She went into a long speech about how she hopes that the sacrifice that she was about to make would be remembered for all time because she would be sending herself to certain death so that more could live on. At that she ended her speech and bowed her head for a dramatic pause, all the blondes are so touched by her willingness to sacrifice her own life started to to cheer and applaud...the redhead is now married to a rich older man.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


How do you know a guy at the beach has a redhead for a girlfriend?
She has scratched "stay off MY TURF!" on his back with her nails.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


How do you know when your redhead has forgiven you?
She stops washing your clothes in the toilet bowel.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you know when a redhead has been using your computer?
There's a hammer embedded in the monitor.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a redhead with an attitude?
Normal


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his redhaired wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his redhead with a pinch on the breast and said "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardner, the poolman and your brother."


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table.
A very attractive redhead comes in and wants to bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless."
With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling "Momma needs a new pair of pants!"
She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers: "YES!
I WIN! I WIN!"
With that she picks up her money and her clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"
The other one answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A redhead found out that her husband was cheating on her while stationed in Saudi a few months ago, so she sends him this care package. He is excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favorite TV shows. He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some episodes of South Park. Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees sucking off his best friend. After a few seconds, he does his business in her mouth and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough. She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I wanna divorce."


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Upon entering the confessional, a young redhead spilled the beans, admitting: "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me -- seven times." The priest thought long and hard, then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass, then drink it." The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said, "No, but it will wipe the smile off your face."


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Good girls go to heaven, Redheads go where ever they damn well please.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How many men does it take to please a redhead?
How many you got?


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you do when a redhead is pissed at you?
Run like hell and don't look back.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Redheads are the sweetest most innocent girls.........when they are asleep.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


How do you know when you've had sex with a redhead?
If you are dehydrated, can't walk, and have blood running down your back, you've been with a redhead.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A redhead's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD'S HAPPY ENDING

Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and visit her grandmother in the forest and her mother said: "You'd better not go out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because the big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do. He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and screw your little red socks off."

But Little Red Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said: "Don't worry Mum, I've got it covered."

So she was walking through the forest when she came across the three little pigs. One of them ran out of the brick house and said, "You shouldn't be out tonight Little RedRiding Hood! The big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do if he catches you. He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and screw your little red socks off."

So she pulled out the shotgun and said: "Don't worry boys. Got it covered!"

As she continued through the forest she came across the big bad wolf and he said: "You shouldn't have come out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because you know what I'm going to do. I'm going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and screw your little red socks off."

So she lifted up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, lay down on her back with her legs apart, pointed the shotgun at him and said "NO! You're going to eat me like the book says."

A new one..


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Bin Laden's car..


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hehehe


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> Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?

> Waiter : Sit down, sir, we serve anyone.

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>

> Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?

> Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?

> Customer : No, I can't.

> Waiter : Then does it really matter?

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

> Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.

> Waiter : Yes Sir, they are not very good swimmers.

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>

> Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.

> Waiter : That's all right, Sir, he won't drink much.

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>

> Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.

> Waiter : So what! do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>

> Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea cup?>

> Waiter : I wouldn't know, Sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

> Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.

> Waiter : Funny? But why aren't you laughing?

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

> Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?

> Father : No. Why do you ask that?

> Son : Well, where did you get mummy then?

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

> Peter : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots! Kirk : Yes it's really strange. I' ve got another pair of the same at home.

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>

> Wife : Do you want dinner?

> Husba! nd : Sure, what are my choices?

> Wife : Yes and no.

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

> First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!! "

> Second Guy : "You're fortunate, mine's still alive."

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>

> A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order. "

> The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you,your honour, I'll have a scotch and soda."

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

> Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Penang in two days time? Post Master : Well it might do.

> Customer : I bet you, it won't.

> Post Master : Why not?

> Customer : It's addressed to Johor.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

> An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.

> 'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.' 'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist. 'How long has what been going on?' said the man.

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

> 1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!

> 2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor. 1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>

> Man : How old is your father?

> Boy : As old as me.

> Man : How can that be?

> Boy : He became a father only when I was born.

>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

> Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field" Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field

> Teacher : How?

> Student : Ladies first.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

> Man : Where are you from?

> Woman : U.S.A.

> Man : Are you here on vacation?

> Woman : No! I'm here for lunch.

> Man : What!!! All the way from the United States of America!!! Woman

> : No! Upper Serangoon Avenue. Man : !!@#$%^&*!*#

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>

> A lady went to a restaurant and ordered a bowl of soup.

> Lady : Waiter, what is this soup called?

> Waiter : It is called special chicken soup.

> Lady : But I see no chicken in it!

> Waiter : That's why it's so special!

>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>

> Question : Why did you throw the butter out of the window ? Answer : I wanted to see a butterfly.

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

It's really a touching story...

A man was walking across the road when he met with

an accident. The impact was on his head which caused

him to be in a coma for 2 days. When he opened his

eyes, his wife was by his side.

He told her (in tears), "When I was struggling with

my studies in the University, I failed again and

again. Sometimes I even had to re-take my papers.

You were there by my side, encouraging me to go on trying."

She squeezed his hands as he continued, "When I

went for major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there, cutting out the job ads for me to apply..."

He added, " ...then I started working in this

little firm and finally got a big contract. I blew it because of a small mistake. But you are still there for me." His wife was in tears.

The man said, "I finally got a job after being laid off

for quite some time. But I was never promoted and

my hard work was notrecognised.

I remained in the same position from the day I joined

the company till now. You are still beside me..."

His wife's tears trickled down as she listened to him,

" And now I meet with an accident and when I wake up

you are here with me. There's something I'll really

like to say to you..."She flung herself on the bed and

hug her husband, sobbing with deep emotion.



Finally her husband said,

"I think you bring me bad luck."

> How the company views its employees. (HE VS SHE)
>
> The family picture is on HIS desk.
> Ah, a solid, responsible family man.
> The family picture is on HER desk.
> Umm, her family will come before her career.
>
>
> HIS desk is cluttered.
> He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man.
> HER desk is cluttered.
> She's obviously a disorganised scatterbrain.
>
>
> (I think this part is especially true)
> HE is talking with his co-workers.
> He must be discussing the latest deal.
> SHE is talking with her co-workers.
> She must be gossiping.
>
>
> HE's not at his desk.
> He must be at a meeting.
> SHE's not at her desk.
> She must be in the ladies' room.
>
>
> HE's not in the office.
> He's meeting with customers.
> SHE's not in the office.
> She must be out shopping.
>
>
> HE's having lunch with the boss.
> He's on his way up.
> SHE's having lunch with the boss.
> They must be having an affair.
>
>
> The boss criticised HIM.
> He'll improve his performance.
> The boss criticised HER.
> She'll be very upset.
>
>
> HE got an unfair deal.
> Did he get angry?
> SHE got an unfair deal.
> Did she cry?
>
>
> HE's getting married.
> He'll get more settled.
> SHE's getting married.
> She'll get pregnant and leave.
>
>
> (This part is GOOD too)
> HE's having a baby.
> He'll need a raise.
> SHE's having a baby.
> She'll cost the company money in maternity benefits.
>
>
> HE's going on a business trip.
> It's good for his career.
> SHE's going on a business trip.
> What does her husband say?
>
>
> HE's leaving for a better job.
> He knows how to recognise a good opportunity.
> SHE's leaving for a better job.
> Women are not dependable.

money is bad..


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black Vs white


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> >>Hari ini cikgu nak uji kamu semua tentang perkataan berlawan. Bila
> >>Cikgu sebutkan perkataannya, kamu semua mesti menjawab dengan cepat,
> >>lawan bagi perkataan-perkataan itu, faham?
> >>Murid-murid: Faham, cikgu!
> >>Cikgu: Saya tak mahu ada apa-apa gangguan.
> >>Murid-murid: (senyap)
> >>Cikgu: Pandai!
> >>Murid-murid: Bodoh!
> >>Cikgu: Tinggi!
> >>Murid-murid: Rendah!
> >>Cikgu: Jauh!
> >>Murid-murid: Dekat!
> >>Cikgu: Keadilan!
> >>Murid-murid: UMNO!
> >>cikgu: Salah!
> >>Murid-murid: Betul!
> >>Cikgu: Bodoh!
> >>Murid-murid: Pandai!
> >>Cikgu: Bukan!
> >>Murid-murid: Ya!
> >>Cikgu: Oh Tuhan!
> >>Murid-murid: Oh Hamba!
> >>cikgu: Dengar ini!
> >>Murid-murid: Dengar itu!
> >>Cikgu: Diam!
> >>Murid-murid: Bising!
> >>Cikgu: Itu bukan pertanyaan, bodoh!
> >>Murid-murid: Ini ialah jawapan, pandai!
> >>Cikgu: Mati aku!
> >>Murid-murid: Hidup kami!
> >>Cikgu: Rotan baru tau!
> >>Murid-murid: Akar lama tak tau!
> >>Cikgu: Malas aku ajar kamu!
> >>Murid-murid: Rajin kami belajar cikgu!
> >>Cikgu: Kamu gila!
> >>Murid-murid: Kami siuman!
> >>Cikgu: Cukup! Cukup!
> >>Murid-murid: Kurang! Kurang!
> >>Cikgu: Sudah! Sudah!
> >>Murid-murid: Belum! Belum!
> >>Cikgu: Mengapa kamu semua bodoh sangat?
> >>Murid-murid: Sebab saya seorang pandai!
> >>Cikgu: Oh! Melawan!
> >>murid-murid: Oh! Mengalah!
> >>Cikgu: Kurang ajar!
> >>Murid-murid: Cukup ajar!
> >>cikgu: Habis aku!
> >>Murid-murid: Kekal kami!
> >>Cikgu: O.K. Pelajaran sudah habis!
> >>Murid-murid: K.O. Pelajaran belum bermula!
> >>Cikgu: Sudah, bodoh!
> >>Murid-murid: Belum, pandai!
> >>Cikgu: Berdiri!
> >>Murid-murid: Duduk!
> >>Cikgu: Saya kata UMNO salah!
> >>Murid-murid: Kami dengar KeADILan betul!
> >>cikgu: Bangang kamu ni!
> >>Murid-murid: Cerdik kami tu!
> >>Cikgu: Rosak!
> >>Murid-murid: Baik!
> >>Cikgu: Kamu semua ditahan tengah hari ini!
> >>murid-murid: Dilepaskan tengah malam itu!
> >>cikgu: (Senyap dan mengambil buku-bukunya keluar.)

dunno if posted before by other people


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posted already... and has a topic of that in Scary Fact

> Subject: Fw: FW: Diary of a modern woman on week 1
> of marriage
>
>
> > > > > > Monday:
> > > > > Now home from honeymoon and settled in our
> new home.
> > > > > It's fun to cook for Tim.
> > > > > Today I made an angel food cake and the
> recipe said, "Beat 12
> eggs
> > > > > separately." Well, I didn't have enough
> bowls to do that, so I
> had
> > > > > to
> > > > borrow
> > > > > 12 bowls to beat the eggs in.The cake turned
> out fine though.
> > > > >
> > > > > Tuesday:
> > > > > We wanted a fruit salad for supper.
> > > > > The recipe said, "Serve without dressing."
> > > > > So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring
> a friend home for
> > > > > supper
> > >that
> > > > > night.
> > > > > They both looked so startled when I served
> them, I think it was
> the
> > >salad.
> > > > >
> > > > > Wednesday:
> > > > > I decided to serve rice and found a recipe
> which said, "Wash
> > > > > thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I
> heated some water
> and
> > > > > took a bath
> > >before
> > > > > steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in
> the middle of the
> day. I
> > >can't
> > > > say
> > > > > it improved the rice anyhow.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > Thursday:
> > > > > Today Tim asked for salad again.
> > > > > I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare
> ingredients, then toss
> on a
> > > > > bed
> > >of
> > > > > lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted
> all over the place
> for a
> > >garden
> > > > > and when I got one, I tossed my salad into
> the bed of lettuce
> and
> > >stood
> > > > > over there for over one hour so the dog
> would not take it. Tim
> came
> > >over
> > > > and
> > > > > asked if I felt all right. I wonder why? He
> must be stressed at
> > > > > work,
> > >I'll
> > > > > try and be supportive.
> > > > >
> > > > > Friday:
> > > > > Today I found an easy recipe for cookies.
> > > > > It said, "Put all ingredients in a bowl and
> beat it." Beat it I
> did,
> > >
> > > > > to my mum's place. There must have been
> something wrong with
> the
> > > > > recipe, because when I came back home again,
> it looked the same
> as
> > > > when
> > > > > I left it.
> > > > >
> > > > > Saturday:
> > > > > Tim went shopping today and brought home a
> chicken. He asked me
> to
> > >dress
> > > > it
> > > > > for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens
> dress for Sunday. I
> never
> > > > notice
> > > > > back on the farm, but I found an old doll
> dress and its little
> cute
> > >shoes.
> > > > I
> > > > > thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim
> saw it, he started
> > >counting
> > > > to
> > > > > ten. Either he was really stressed because
> of his work,or he
> wanted
> > > > > the chicken to dance.When I asked him what
> was wrong,he started
> > > > > crying and shouting out "Why me? Why me?".
> > > > >
> > > > > It has to be his job ...


=====
Kris

Hi all, thanks for the cool jokes! After reading all the jokes... .. .. I need to go for a doctor, coz I am having stomach-ache now.. ciaoooo..