Here's mine! Dunno whether u guys have read this yet!

The Inexperienced Chili Taster

These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey. "Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off."

"Apparently, the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event."

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A bean-less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Shelly, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300-lb. b**** is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Shelly saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. The heck with those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Shelly. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.

FRANK: (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report.)

Relied on a gurls direction before n got lost...

> > > > Story ONE
> > > > Ah Beng bought a Honda VTI recently and drove to
> > > > Ah Lian's place to show it to her.
> > > > So there Ah Beng was, telling and bragging the
> > > > various functions of his new car to his girlfriend.
> > > > "This is ah, so fast even the Mata Chia cannot catch ah!"
> > > > "Ha! Really ah!!! Steady lah!" said Ah Lian.
> > > > "Somemore hor, this is Automatic one, vely easy to drive!"
> > > > So Ah Lian said, "Let me try! I wan, I wan!"
> > > > So Ah Lian took the driver's seat and shifted
> > > > the gear and floored the accelerator.
> > > > ; The next moment, the car sped backwards and
> > > > crashed into the lamp-post.
> > > > "Alamak! What are u doing?!!!
> > > > U Siao Char Bo! U see lah!!! Wah Piang eh!"
> > > > screamed Ah Beng.
> > > > "Solee, solee, pai sah lah! No lah, I tot hor,
> > > > "R" for racing mah!"*

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > Story TWO
> > > > The Titanic was sinking, and there weren't
> > enough lifeboats.
> > > > So the captain had to persuade male passengers
> > > > to jump into the icy waters to make room for
> > > women and children.
> > > > To the British he said, "You must act like
> > > > gentlemen." They jumped.
> > > > To the Americans he said, "You can be heros."
> > > > They complied.
> > > > To the Germans he said , "It's the rule." They obeyed.
> > > > To the Japanese he said," It's the consensus."
> > > > They obliged.
> > > > Then came the Singaporean and they just weren't
> > > > budging until he came up with the appeal: "Free life
> > > > jackets for those who jumped."
> > > > ---------------------------------------------
> > > > Story THREE
> > > > 3 recruits - Chinese, Malay & Indian are at the
> > > > army's supply base to collect their underwears.
> > > > Their sergeant was there to aid the supplies.
> > > > Sergeant: Hei Ah Beng! How many underwears
> > > > you need ah?
> > > > Ah Beng: (thinks a while) 7 sasen(sergeant)!
> > > > Sergeant: (puzzled) How come so many?
> > > > Ah Beng: M on, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat & Sun.
> > > > One day one.
> > > > Sergeant: (Malay recruit) Eh Mat! How many underwears?
> > > > Mat: (without hesitation) 6 sargen!
> > > > Sergeant: (curious) How come six?
> > > > Mat: Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Sat & Sun. Friday
> > > > I wear sarong.
> > > > Sergeant: (Indian recruit) Dei Tambi. How many
> > > > underwears dah dei?
> > > > Tambhi: (very confidently) 12 Sarjen !!!!
> > > > Sergeant: (shocked & fell to the ground) Why do
> > > > you need so many for?
> > > > Tambhi: January, February, March.....One month one.
> > > > ---------------------------------------------
> > > > Story FOUR
> > > > Once upon a time, a group of Ah Bengs stepped
> > > > into a lounge and wanted the DJ to play the song
> > > > "Ah Cheng Buey Ro Ti" (In Hokkien meaning Ah
> > Cheng buys bread).
> > > > The DJ told them that they only have English
> > songs and told them to re-select another song.
> > > > The Ah Bengs were indignant and kicked up a big fuss,
> > > > claiming that the DJ was insulting them.
> > > > The manager had to intervene in order to calm them down.
> > > > Finally, after many hours of talking, the manager
> > > > managed to find out that the Ah Bengs were actually
> > > > asking for the song "Unchained Melody" by the
> > > > Righteous Brothers.
> > > >
> > > -------------------------------- -------------------
> > > > Story FIVE
> > > > One day, two Ah Lians got into a lift from the 20th
> > > > storey of a building and wanted to get down to the
> > > > ground floor.
> > > > As they looked at the dial, they could see the
> > > > number 20 down to number 2.
> > > > It was then followed by a G. As they were not
> > > > English-educated, they were puzzled and really
> > > > had no idea what does the letter G mean.
> > > > Suddenly one of them exclaimed excitedly and hit G.
> > > > When they finally reached the ground floor,
> > > > the other Ah Lian was so impressed and asked
> > > > the first Ah Lian, "Wow, how you know one?"
> > > > The first Ah Lian reply smugly, "Easy lah.. G
> > > > for Gero mah..."
> > > > --------------------------------------------
> > > > Story SIX
> > > > Santa Singh (remember him?) just graduated
> > > > from Law school and decided to apply for a job
> > > > in the most prestigous "Lee & Lee Law Firm" company.
> > > > During the interview, Mr. Lee KY looked at
> > > > Santa Singh's resume, thinks for a while and said,
> > > > "Well, I would need to discuss your application
> > > > with my wife. " And went off to discuss Santa's
> > > > application with his wife.
> > > > Lee KY's wife said, "C'mon, don't you know
> > > > that we only hire lawyers with surnames beginning
> > > > with 'Lee' only? Of course, we can't hire Santa Singh!"
> > > > So Lee KY told the bad news to Santa Singh about his rejection.
> > > > Few days later, Santa Singh came back to the
> > > > same company and request for another interview
> > > > and Lee KY said, 'Look Santa, I have already
> > > > told you that we only hire.......' when Santa Singh
> > > > interrupted him and said, 'I know, I know. I have
> > > > just changed my name.
> > > > Lee K Y looked at Santa Singh in surprise and
> > > > asked, "What is your new name then?"
> > > > On this, Santa Singh replied 'Surname Lee, Last
> > > > name, Manga!' (Manga-Li)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>Subject: FW: Definition of MARKETING made easy
>
>The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, most people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."
>
>You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed,"
>- That's Direct Marketing.
>
>You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed," - That's advertising.
>
>You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say,"Hi, I'm fantastic in bed," - That's Telemarketing.
>
>You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed," - That's Public Relations.
>
>You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says," I hear you're fantastic in bed,"
>- That's Brand Recognition.
>
>You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend - That's a Sales Rep.
>
>Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you - That's Tech Support.
>
>You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses
>you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your
>lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" - That's Junk Mail.