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Some jokes I've got from forward email ..., Maybe you've read before
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Loreki
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 Jun 28 2004, 01:19 AM
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| QUOTE (BugFace @ Jun 27 2004, 08:01 AM) | More jokes...
Why I Fired My Secretary
Two weeks ago was my 50th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that
morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she
didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday.
I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember. The
children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the
office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent..
As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss.
Happy Birthday," and I felt a little better that someone had remembered.
I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's
such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. "Let's
go!" We went to lunch.
We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little
place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful
day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think
I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable"
"Sure!" I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a
huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our
friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there ---- on the couch ---- naked.
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A Portugese football fan, a Swiss Referee and an English football fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze.
All of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them.
The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death.
However, after many months and with the help of good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for the whipping, the Sheikh announced "It is my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow you one wish before your whipping."
The Portugese was first in line, he thought for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back". This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through.
When the punishment was done, he had to be carried away bleeding and crying in pain.
The Swiss Ref was next up. After watching the Portugese's pain in horror, he said smugly "Please fix two pillows to my back".
But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through and again the Referee was led away whimpering loudly (as they do).
The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything them Sheikh turned to him and said. " You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this you may have two wishes".
"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness" The Englishman replied.
"My first wish is that you give me not 20 lashes, but 100 lashes".
"Not only are you an honourable person, you are also very brave" Said the Sheikh with an admiring look on his face.
"If a 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish?."
"Tie the Referee to my back"!
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Train Delay
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year
old son playing
with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons
of ***** who
want off, get the hell off now 'cause this is the last stop! And
all of you
sons of ***** who are getting on, get your asses in the train
'cause we're
going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use
that kind of
language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and
you are to
stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may
play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and
resumed playing with
his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son
say, "All passengers, please remember to take all of your
belongings with
you. We thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one.
We hope you will
ride with us again soon." She heard her little darling continue:
"For those
of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the
train. We hope
you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of
you who are
pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the ***** in
the
kitchen...."
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A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy Class
gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight
attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then
tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to
sit in the back. The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm
going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!" The flight attendant
goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and copilot that there is some
blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and
won't move back to her seat. The copilot goes back to the blonde
and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will
have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde,
I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!" The
copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting
when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to
reason. The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm
married to a blonde. I speak 'blonde'!" He goes back to the blonde,
whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm sorry". .. gets up and
moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The flight attendant
and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her
move without any fuss. "I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal.
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Farting Personality
A Courteous Person One who says "Excuse me" before farting and "sorry" after that.
A Dishonest Person One who farts and then blames one's dog.
A Foolish Person One who suppresses a fart for hours.
A Knowledgeable Person One who knows when to fart.
A Miserable Person One who truly enjoys to fart but cannot.
A Mysterious Person One who exudes undetectable farts.
A Nervous Person One who stops in the middle of a fart.
A Proud Person One who thinks that his farts are extremely pleasant.
A Sadistic Person One who farts in bed and fluffs the covers over his bed mate.
A Scientific Person One who farts regularly but is concerned with pollution.
A Shy Person One who releases silent farts and then blushes.
A Stereotype Person One who farts regularly.
A Strategic Person One who conceals one's farts by loud laughter.
A Stupid Person One who farts and then takes in a deep breath to balance up.
A Thrifty Person One who has farts in reserve..
A Vain Person One who loves the smell of one's own fart.
An Amiable Person One who loves the smell of other people's fart.
An Anti-Social Person One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.
An Aquatic Person One who farts in the bath then bursts the bubbles.
An Athletic Person One who farts at the slightest exertion.
An Honest Person One who admits he has farted but offers a good medical reason.
An Intelligent Person One who can determine the smell of his neighbours' farts.
An Unfortunate Person One who tries to fart but shits instead. |
LoL, the farting part is damn funny lar.. now can't sleep liao.. still cracking 
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