Typical Chinaman
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There was once an Chinese man called Ah Beng who was involved in a terrible car accident. In the hospital, when he gained his consciousness, he called out for the nurse to know what had happened to him.

"I'm very sorry, sir, but you had involved in a very bad car crash".
"Car crash! ***!! My Marcelly (aka Mercedes ) ! My Marcelly! Is my car all right?" he asked hysterically.
"Sir, your car was destroyed, but that is the least of your worries.
You've lost your left arm in the crash, and we were unable to save it", she said apologetically.

"I lost my arm? My Rolex! My Rolex piu leh!"
"Sir, please calm down. That is the least of your worries. You are in a very critical condition and all your family are here to see you".

He asked for his family to be called in.
As they gathered around t he bed, he called for each of them.

"Wife, are you here?"
"I am here husband, and I will never leave you"
"Son, are you here?"
"I am here father, and I will never leave you"
"Daughter, are you here?"
"I am here father, and I will never leave you."

"Well," said Ah Beng thoughtfully, "if all of you are here,
WHO THE HELL IS LOOKING AFTER THE SHOP?!!! *** NIA SENG!!!"

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The missionary is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."

i'm not sure whether this being posted before or not...

TEACHER : Why are you late?
BALGOBIN : Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign?
BALGOBIN : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
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TEACHER : Balgobin, why are you doing your math sums on the floor?
BALGOBIN : You told me to do it without using tables!
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TEACHER : Balgobin, how do you spell "crocodile"?
BALGOBIN : "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
BALGOBIN : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
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TEACHER : What is the chemical formula for water?
BALGOBIN : "HIJKLMNO! "!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
BALGOBIN : Yesterday you said it's H to O!
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TEACHER : Balgobin, go to the map and find North America.
BALGOBIN : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS : Balgobin!
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TEACHER : Balgobin, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
BALGOBIN : Me!
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TEACHER : Balgobin, why do you always get so dirty?
BALGOBIN : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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BALGOBIN : Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER : I think so. What do you want me to write?
BALGOBIN : Your name on this report card.
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TEACHER : How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
BALGOBIN : Don't bite any.
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TEACHER : Balgobin, give me a sentence starting with "I".
BALGOBIN : I is...
TEACHER : No, Balgobin. Always say, "I am."
BALGOBIN : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
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TEACHER : "Can anybody give an example of "COINCIDENCE?"
BALGOBIN : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
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TEACHER : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
BALGOBIN : "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"
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BALGOBIN : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
FATHER : No. Why do you ask that?
BALGOBIN : Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?
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TEACHER : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots!
BALGOBIN : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just like that at home.
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TEACHER : Now, children, if I saw a man beating adonkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?
BALGOBIN : Brotherly love?
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TEACHER : Now, Balgobin, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
BALGOBIN : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER : Balgobin, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
BALGOBIN : No, teacher, it's the same dog!
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TEACHER : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
BALGOBIN : A teacher

A Singaporean was on holiday in Malaysia..

He was having his coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam at the hotel's coffee house.

A Malaysian man who was chewing gum, sat down next to him & started a casual conversation.

Malaysian : "You Singaporeans eat the whole bread?"

Singaporean : "Of course."

Malaysian : "We don't. In Malaysia, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants & sell them across to Singapore."

The Malaysian then had a smirk on his face while the Singaporean listened in silence.

Malaysian : "Do you eat the jam with the bread?"

Singaporean : "Of course."

Malaysian (chuckling): "We don't. In Malaysia, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds & other left-overs in a container, recycle them, transform them into jam,..... before we sell it across to Singapore."

This time, the Singaporean retorted : "Do you have sex in Malaysia?"

Malaysian : "Why, of course we do"

Singaporean : "Do you wear protection"

Malaysian : "Of course! We wear condoms."

Singaporean : "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Malaysian : "Stupid question ! Of course we throw them away."

Singaporean : "We don't. In Singapore, the government secretly puts them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum & sell them across to Malaysia,... & that's the real reason why we banned chewing gum in Singapore."

i'm not sure whether this is posted before or not here it is ... (for those who know Chinese ;P)


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