Here's something from me.

Girls Night Out

Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly
over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee.

They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her
panties, use them, then throw them away.

Her friend, however, was wearing
a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was
lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that.

After finishing, they then made off for home.

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "These damn girls night out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing, said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her
ass that said, "From All of Us At the Fire Station, We'll Never Forget
You."

Car Accident

A woman and a man got into a really bad car accident.
Both cars are totaled, but luckily no one was hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said,
"Wow, just look at our cars! They are destroyed.
Fortunately, we aren't hurt. This must be a sign from
God that we should meet and be friends and live together
in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely.
This must be a sign from God! "
The woman continued,
"And look at this, here's another miracle.... My car is
completely ruined but this bottle of wine didn't break.
It's a sign that God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate
our good fortune." Then she handed the bottle to the man.
The man agreed, opened the bottle and drank half, and then
handed it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on,
and handed it back to the man.
The man asked, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replied, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police

Firm It Up!

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother."