>A lady lost 3 panties in her house. She blamed her maid in
>front of her husband. The maid replied: " Sir! you should know
>very well I don't wear any underwear!"
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Two ladies went through the custom check point after an oversea
>trip. Customer Officer found Lady A had seven branded panties in
>her luggage.
>When Lady A said the panties were not bought oveaseas, the Customer
>Officer asked: "Why do you need to bring seven panties on an
>oveasea trip?" Lady A replied: "I do not do washing when I am abroad.
>Don't you know that one week has seven days?"
>She was let go without having to pay tax.
>Customer Officer then opened the suitcase of Lady B and found twelve
>panties. When she insisted that she brought them from home, the Custom
>Officer asked: "Why do you need to bring twelve panties on an oversea
>trip?" The offended Lady B replied: "I also do not wash when I travel.
>Don't you know that one year has twelve months?"
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Once upon a time Cinderella was so horny so she put Pinocchio's nose
>between her legs and shouted, "Lie to me *******, Lie!!"
>
>Get it????
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Tamil ladies are always looking for sex. Each time they come across
>a guy, they would fold their hands, look down and say "wannacum"?????
>
>("Wannacum" in tamil actually means "hello"!
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Why do newly-weds have a 7 days honeymoon and not 6 or 8 days?
>
>Because 7 days make the whole(hole) week(weak)!
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Three men were chatting in the pub. The topic was on sports.
>The China Man from Taiwan said: "I have four daughters, one more
>I can form a basketball team."
>The rich tycoon from Indonesia said: "I have five sons, one more
>I can have a volleyball team."
>The third wealthy man from the Middle East has no children.
>After some hesitation, he said: "I have 17 wives, one more I can
>have a golf course."
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Two men doing a crossword puzzle.
>
>1st Man : Clue 1 is "Old MacDonald has a ....?"
>2nd Man : "Farm" I think.
>1st Man : "Yeah, that's right. Er... How do you spell "farm"?
>2nd Man : "Ummm... I dunno... maybe it is "eieio"?
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Question: What is the similarity between woman and aeroplane?
>Answer: They both have "cock-pits".
>
>Question: What is the difference between a woman having a bath
>on a Sunday morning, and one going to church on a Sunday morning?"
>Answer: The woman going to the church has "a soul full of hope"
>and the one having a bath "has a hole full of soap".
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>
>One day an elephant met a camel.
>Elephant asked, "Why your neh neh grow at your back?"
>Camel angry, said, "Why don't you ask yourself why your "ku ku jiao"
>grow on your face?"
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>
>The boss came out from his room and said "Wah! Got cake ah! Who buy?
>
>All the staff replied - "Chee Buy Lah!!!!!"
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>
>A mother and her son were flying Qantas from Perth to Sydney.
>The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother
>and said, "Why don't big planes have baby planes?"
>
>The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the
>flight attendant.
>
>So, the little boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby
>dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
>
>The flight attendant asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
>The boy said that she had.
>With a clever grin, the flight attendant said, "Tell your mother it's
>because Qantas always pulls out on time."

"Excuse me, Sir."


"Is that you again, Moses?"


"I'm afraid it is, Sir."

"What is it this time, Moses; more computer problems?"

"How did you guess?"

"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember ?"

"Oh, yes; I forgot."


"Tell me what you want, Moses."


"But you already know, Sir. Remember?"

"Moses!"

"Sorry, Sir."


"Well, go ahead, Moses; spit it out."


"Well, I have a question, Sir.
You know those ten 'things' you sent me via e-mail?"


"You mean the Ten Commandments, Moses?"


"That's it. I was wondering if they are important."

"What do you mean 'if they are important,' Moses?
Of course, they are important.

Otherwise, I would not have sent them to you."


"Well, sorry, Sir, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them; but, of
course, you would see right through that."

"What do you mean you 'lost them'?

Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?"


"No, Sir; I forgot."

"You should always save, Moses."

"Yes, I know. You told me that before. I was going to save them, but I forgot.
I did forward them to some people before I lost them though."

"And did you hear back from any of them?"

"You already know I did. There was the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt
not.' May he change the words a little bit?"


"Yes, Moses, as long as he does not change the meaning."


"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and
recommended calling them the 'Ten Suggestions,' or letting people pick one or
two to try for a while?"

"Moses, I will act as if I did not hear that."

"I think that means 'no.'
Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?"

"I think the term is 'spamming,' Moses."

"Oh, yes. I. E-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff, and I
have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."


"And what did he say?"


"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain.
You don't think he might have sent me one of those -- err -- plagues, and that's
the reason I lost those ten 'things', do you?"


"They are not plagues; they are called 'viruses,' Moses.."


"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me.
Can we go back to those stone tablets?
It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but at least I
never lost them."

"We will do it the new way, Moses; using computers!!"

"I was afraid you would say that, Sir."

"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"

"You told me to hold up this rat and point it toward the computer."

"It's a mouse, Moses, not a rat. Mouse! Mouse!

And did you do that?"


"No, I decided to try calling technical support first. After all, who knows
more about this stuff than you? And I really like your hours.
By the way, Sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"


"No, Moses."


"One other thing.
Why did you not name them 'frogs' instead of 'mice,' because did you not tell me
the thing they sit on is a pad?"


"I did not name them, Moses. Man did,

and you can call yours a frog if you want to."

"Oh, that explains it.
I bet some woman told Adam to call it a mouse.
After all, was it not a woman who named one of the computers 'Apple?'"


"Say good night, Moses."


"Wait a minute, Sir.
I am pointing the mouse, and it seems to be working.
Yes, a couple of the ten 'things' have come back."


"Which ones are they, Moses?"


"Let me see.
'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and
'Thou shalt not uncover Thy neighbor's wife.'"


"Turn the computer off, Moses.

I'm sending you another set of stone tablets."

1. A 95 year old man sucks his 90 year old wife's breast for half and hour and drinks 2 drops of milk.
POSTMORTEM REPORT - death due to drinking milk after EXPIRY DATE !!




2. Husband reading a book on bed with wife beside.
His finger went to tease wife's p****.

Wife start to strip herself and ask asks, "you want sex"?
Husband answer "No, I just want to wet my finger to turn the page"




3. Rooster and cat going over bridge.
Cat slips & falls into river.
Rooster can't stop laughing.
The moral of the story?

Whenever there's a wet p****, there's a happy cock.




4. There are 3 Male and 1 Female pencils in a box.
The Female pencil gets pregnant!!
Which Male pencil is responsible?

THE ONE WITHOUT THE RUBBER.




5. Girls' reaction to penis sizes:
9": "Oh shit, pain!"
7": "Oh yes, shiok!"
6": "Ohhh, perfect!"
4": "Push more!"
3": "Is it in?"
2": "Idiot! Just use your tongue!"




6. Woman in bed with husband's best friend, phone rings!
She said, "YES.. OK, BYE."
She turns to her lover and says, "THAT'S MY HUBBY, SAYS HE'S NOW
GOLFING WITH YOU."




7. There are 3 Roosters: one normal, one retarded and one gay.
Normal: "Cock-a-doodle-dooo!!!"
Retarded: "Doodle-cock-a-dooo!!!"
Gay: "Any-cock-will dooo!!!"




8. What's the most difficult GOLF COURSE in this world?
Answer: INTER COURSE.

No matter how many strokes or what style you play, your balls will never go in !!






9. FACT: Women can get a 2 inch wide penis into a 1.5 inch vagina in
pitch dark,
but can't get a f***ing 15 feet car into a 40ft parking space
in broad daylight!!




10. Teacher: Which part of the body goes to heaven first?
A kid named Johnny replies: "The LEGS.. because every night I see my
mum's legs up high and Screaming "OH GOD! I'M COMING...."




11. COCK says to his two BALLS: "I am going to take you with me to party."
The BALLS say: "You f***ing liar! You always get INSIDE and leave us
waiting OUTSIDE!!!"




12. 3 Guys were introduced to a girl.
"Hi.... I'm Peter, not a saint."
"I'm Paul, not a POPE."
"I'm John, not a Baptist..."
The girl replied.. "Hi.. I'm Mary, not a VIRGIN."




13. Q: Why do men have pubic hair?
A: A nest for their bird...

Q: Why do women have pubic hair?
A: A resting place for the coming bird!!!




14. What does it mean when a girl offers PEPSI to a guy?
P: Please
E: Enter
P: Penis
S: Slowly
I: Inside


15. Girlfriends are like appetizers - Taste good any time.
Mistresses are like tomyam - Hot and spicy. Eaten frequently.
WIVES are like maggi mee - To be eaten when there's nothing to eat!!!




16. The income tax office asked a prostitute why she put her occupation as CHICKEN FARMER.
She replied, "I RAISED 5,000 COCKS LAST YEAR!!"




17. A girl who opens her hand receives gifts.
A girl who opens her heart receives love.
But when a girl opens her legs, she receives happiness.




18. Yesterday's news: A nun jogging at Joggers' Park was raped by 4 guys.
Today's news: Nearly 100 nuns found jogging at the same park.

This post has been edited by Phoenix20: Mar 8 2004, 11:08 AM

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has,
you wish you had ordered that.


At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing
your wedding ring on the wrong finger??" The other replied, "Yes, I am.
I married the wrong man"


Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

Marriage is an institution in which a man losses his bachelor's degree
and the woman gets her master's.


A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married??" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying
for it."

Living in 2005!

You'll know you're living in 2005 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.

14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

yeah...it's a real card game before the digital version

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A- Boo) is not just an athlete....she is a nurse currently working at
the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.

She is not permitted to answer the telephone.because too much confusion when she would answer the phone and says,

Picabo, ICU.
_____________________________________________________________

This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard University.

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age can't do it!

1. This is this cat

2. This is is cat

3. This is how cat

4. This is to cat

5. This is keep cat

6. This is an cat

7. This is old cat

8. This is person cat

9. This is busy cat

10. This is for cat

11. This is forty cat

12. This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.

After receiving tennis lessons the previous day, a resort guest
decided to take a golf lesson the following morning.

Upon meeting the instructor, he asked...

"What's the difference between golf and tennis?"

Without hesitation, the instructor replied...

"Tennis is like murder -- you just want to kill the other player."

"Golf is like suicide -- you just want to kill yourself."

~DOUBLE POST ~

This post has been edited by Phoenix20: Mar 9 2005, 05:16 PM

Engineering In Hell

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.
St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're
an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is
let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied
with the level of comfort in hell, and starts
designing and building improvements. After
awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets
and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular
guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and
says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there
in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great.
We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and
escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer
is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer?
That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten
down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer
on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah,
right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class
and she presented each child in her class the first half of
a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the
remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were
actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise
you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first
graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is classic!

1. Don't change horses......until they stop running.
2. Strike while the.........bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before......Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ....... termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but ......... how?
6. Don't bite the hand that ............. .looks dirty.
7. No news is.............................impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a .................. .Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new .............. math
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll .....stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust ...................................me.
12. The pen is mightier than the .................. pigs
13. An idle mind is..........the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's ...................pollution.
15. Happy the bride who...........gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is ......................... not much.
17. Two's company, three's .......... .....the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what .....you put on to go to
bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ........you
have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as ............Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not .............. spanked or
grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed ....................... get
new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you ........ see in the picture
on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind ................. get out of the
way.
And the WINNER and last one is
25. Better late than ..................pregnant.

the joke i heard was about a nun and a priest

Did He Get The Job?
------------------------
Actual Fast Food Job Application

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a fast-food
establishment........

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's
available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael
Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an
offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens
and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to
a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be
here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would
be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas
with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing
since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF
YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.