I just got this today :

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing
for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him on the seventh
day, resting. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a
deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the
clouds "Look Michael, look what I have made." Said God.

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God' "and I've put life on it, I'm going to
call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth.
"For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and
wealth, while South America is going to be poor. The Middle East over
there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've
placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of
black people." God continued pointing to different countries. "This one
will be extremely hot and this one extremely cold, and this one covered
in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a
small land mass and said, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's
Malaysia, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes,
rivers, streams and hills. The people from Malaysia are going to be
modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling
the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high
achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and
carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about
balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE! So if Malaysians are going
to be that great, you must've created some really corny people to balance them out"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm
putting right next to them. They're called Singaporeans!!"



no hard feelings for our southern neighbours its just a joke

Definitely not a singaporean...haha

more dug out from my pc...enjoy..


A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."

"Yeah what happened?" asked his friend.

The first guy replies, "Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."

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"Marketing 101"
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed". That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed". That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed". That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed". That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed". That's Brand Recognition.

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"The Honest Wife"
A man who was driving a car with his wife was stopped by a police officer. The following exchange took place.
The man says, "What's the problem, officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gave his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight. "
Man: "Broken taillight? I didn't know about a broken taillight!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that taillight for weeks." (The man gave his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
The man turned to his wife and yelled, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The officer turned to the woman and asked, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife said, "No, only when he's drunk."

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"An Honest Mistake"
A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room. The husband was standing there, pulling up his pants, and said, "I think she choked."

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"The Infant-Sized Penis"
Jim decided to propose to Sandy. But prior to her acceptance, Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts the maturity of a 12 year old's.
He stated that it was okay, because he loved her so much. However, Jim felt this was the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said, "I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant's, and I hope you can deal with that once we are married."
She said, "Yes. I will marry you and learn to live with your infant- sized penis." Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Jim rushed Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, and holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant's!"
"It is . . . 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches!"

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measurement
On returning from battle in the Falkland Islands, 3 soldiers are asked to report to their commander. The commander states that because of services rendered the army will pay each soldier a sum of £100 pound per inch on their bodies, from one point to another of their choice. The commander asks the first soldier, a special forces commando, how he can measure him up. "I'll have the top of my head, to the tips of my toes, sahr!" replies the man of war. "Excellent," says the commander, that's "70 inches, so here's £7000." Secondly a marine states that he will have the tip of one arm outstretched measured to the other outstretched. "Excellent," replies the commander after measuring the marine, "75 inches, so that's £7500." Thirdly he asks the explosives expert. "I'll have measured the tip of my d*** to he end of my balls sahr!" The commander is a little taken aback by this but agrees, and after several seconds down in the private's privates he snaps back up saying "Where in Christ are your balls soldier?!" The soldier smiles at him and says "Falkland Islands sahr!"

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JJJ
It seems that there were twin brothers by the name of Jones, John and Joe. John was married and Joe was single. Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated boat. It so happened that Joe's boat sank on the same day that John's wife died.
A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street, and mistaking him for John said:" I was sorry to hear of your great loss, and you must feel terrible." Joe replied; " Well, I am not a bit sorry. She was a rotten old thing from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up, and she smelled of old fish. The first time I got into her she made water faster that anything I ever saw. She had a crack and a pretty big hole in front that kept getting bigger and bigger every time that I used her. It got so I could handle her all right, but when someone else was using her she leaked like anything. This is what finished her off: Four guys from the other side of town came down looking for a good time. They asked if I could rent her to them. I warned them that she wasn't so hot, but the crazy fools all tried to get into her at the same time. It was too much for her and she cracked right up the middle! " THE OLD LADY FAINTED.

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Deaf sex
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. "The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis ... fifty times"
Penis

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One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

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Wife
Late at night this guy runs into a pub and demands a glass of water from the landlord. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six pints later, and he has recovered enough to speak. "Thanks," he croaks. "That's one hell of a thirst you've got," says the landlord.

The guy says: "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't." "Where's your car?" the landlord asks. "At the roadside," the guy gasps.

"Tell you what," says the landlord, "you watch the bar for me while I nip out and take your place." "Be my guest," the guy says. So the landlord goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. And they get right down to it, humping away.

Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop, and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple. "What's going on here?" he asks. "It's all right, officer," explains the landlord, "She's my wife." The officer replies apologetically, "Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize."

Look at the woman the landlord says, "Neither did I till you switched on that damned light."

somemore i got in the mail...

Ah Seng wants to make love with Ah Lian but he is afraid that Ah Lian will get pregnant, so he approaches his friend Ah Beng for advice. Ah Beng said "Aiya, very easy one lah. Nah, take this packet of condoms and follow the instructions, nothing will happen one." So Ah Seng takes the condom and at night makes love with Ah Lian. Two months later, Ah Seng comes to look for Ah Beng and tells him that Ah Lian is pregnant.
"Cannot be what, did you follow the instructions or not?" asks Ah Beng.
"Na -bei! Got lah. The box says "Stretch the condom over organ before intercourse, I got no organ, so I stretch it over my piano loh."

=======================================================

Ah Beng to a long-distance telephone operator:
"Could you please tell me the time difference between
Taipei and Las Vegas?"
Operator: "Just a minute......"
Ah Beng: "Thank You," and puts down the phone.

=======================================================

At a bar in New York, the man to Ah Beng's left tells
the bartender," JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." and his
companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE."
The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks," AND YOU,
SIR?"
Ah Beng replies:" Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED."

=======================================================

After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on
quite for some time, Ah Beng proudly shows off the
finished puzzle to a friend.
"It took me ONLY FIVE MONTHS TO DO IT," Ah Beng brags.
"FIVE MONTHS? THAT'S TOO LONG," the friend exclaims.
"YOU ARE A FOOL."
Ah Beng replies," NO LAH, SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN
FOR 4-7YRS, LEH!"

=======================================================

Ah Beng took part in the Singapore Manhunt
Competition. During the Q&A segment, the host asks,
"Name a drink that begins with the letter 'G'."
The crowd shouts, "Gin! Gin!"
Others exclaim, "No it's Grape Juice!"
Another smart aleck yells, "Alamak, Gatorade!"
Host: "Quiet please."
Ah Beng laughs hysterically like a hyena before
replying, "C'mon man, you think I need your help? I
got more original answer: Guni!"(cow milk in Hokkien).

=======================================================

Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using
it when he encountered some problems. He decided to
use the 'Help' command.
After some tries, he became irritated and called the
computer retailer for support.
Ah Beng:" I pressed the 'F1' key for help...but it's
been over half an hour and still nobody has came to
help me???"
Computer Retailer:...............

=======================================================

In an English class:
Teacher: "Class, do you know the meaning of parents?"
Ah Beng: "Yes, teacher, it means father and mother."
Teacher: "Good. Can you give me an example?"
Ah Beng: "Sure. Cowboy's parents mean cowboy's father
and mother. Also can say
Cowboy's father is Cow Pay and Cowboy's mother is Cow
Boo. So together we say Cow Pay Cow Boo (KPKB)."
Teacher fainted...............

=======================================================

Ah Beng with his two red ears went to his doctor. The
doctor asked him what happened to his ears and he
answered," I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring
loh but instead of picking up the phone, I
accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my
ear. So kena loh!" "Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in
disbelief. "But...what happen to the other ear?"
"Aiyah! That stoooopid dumbo called back!"

=======================================================

Ah Beng and Ah Seng rent a boat and fish in a lake
everyday.
One day, they caught 30 fishes.
Ah Beng said to Ah Seng," Mark this spot so that we
can come back here again tomorrow."
The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat,
Ah Beng asked Ah Seng," Did you mark that spot?" Ah
Seng replied," Yeah, I put a big X on the bottom of
the boat,"
Ah Beng said," You stupid fool! What if we don't get
that same boat today !?!?"

=======================================================

Ah Beng and Ah Seng exited and locked the car in a
hurry, forgetting to remove the key which was in the
ignition. Realizing the mistake, Ah Beng asked," Why
don't we get a coat hanger to open it?"
"No, that won't work," answered Ah Seng." People might
think we're trying to break in."
Then Ah Beng suggested," What if we use a pocket knife
to cut the rubber, then stuck a finger in and pull up
the lock?"
"No," said Ah Seng. "People will think we're too dumb
to use a coat hanger."
The "kan cheong" Ah Beng shouted," We better think of
something fast. It's staring to rain and the sunroof
is open!!!"

=======================================================

Ah Beng serving his NS overseas and far from home, was
annoyed and upset when his girl Ah Lian wrote breaking
off their engagement and asking for her photograph
back. He went out and collected from his friends all
the unwanted photographs of women that he could find,
bundled them all together and sent them to her with a
note stating the following:
"Regret cannot remember which one is
you...............
please keep your photo and return the others."

=======================================================

Once Ah Beng , Ah Seng and Ah Lian went for dinner at
the Compass Rose at the top of the Westin Stamford .
After dinner, they went to the lift scanned the
buttons and couldn't find the button for the first
floor. Ah Beng suggested taking the stairs but Ah Lian
decided to press the lift button "G". They found
themselves on the first ground and Ah Beng remarked,
"Wah, you so smart, ah. How did you know this was
ground floor?" Ah Lian replied ," Aiyah so simple you
also dunno! G: stands for gero loh!"

=======================================================

One evening, Ah Beng and Ah Lian went to a lounge and
requested the DJ to play the song "Ah Cheng Buey Lo
Ti" (Ah Cheng buys bread). The DJ told them they only
played English songs and asked them to request another
song. They were upset and complained to the manager
that the DJ was insulting them. After many hours of
calming them down, the manager found out they were
actually requesting the Righteous Brothers song,
"Unchained Melody".

=======================================================

Ah Beng and Ah Seng went to a hawker centre. Ah Seng
noticed the hygiene grades issued by the Ministry of
Health pasted at each stall and asked Ah Beng, "Eh,
the 'A', 'B', 'C' and 'D' stand for what ah?" Ah Beng
snorted and said, "Aiyah, this sort of thing you also
dunno! 'D' stand for 'delicious', 'C' stand for 'can
eat', 'B' stand for 'buay sai' (cannot) and 'A' stand
for 'Alamak'!"

=======================================================

Long time ago, a rich Singapore tycoon wanted to know
how happy a man could be if he was given one wish. He
paid three people to test out his experiment. The
rules were:
1. Each person could only have one wish.
2. They will be left on a deserted island for 30
years.
3. Food, but not liquor would be provided.
The first contestant, Billy Clinton (USA) asked for 30
prettiest PLAYBOY centerfolds: "So I can make the most
beautiful babies in the world."
The second contestant, Jon Major (UK) said, "I want 30
years' supply of booze."
The last contestant, Ah Beng (Singapore) said, "I want
30 years' supply of Saa-lim (Salem) cigarettes so I
can smoke until I song-song."
30 years later, the three contestants came back for a
press conference. Billy had with him 200 children and
30 estranged women. He remarked, "It has been a long
sexual experience for me and was wondering whether
anyone care to buy a child. I will even throw in the
mother for free!" Jon, hanging on to a bottle of beer,
was suffering from a hangover but he managed to utter
these words. "God save the Beer! The Queen can drink
seawater." The last contestant, Ah Beng, hugging onto
cartons of Salem shouted, "Ni na
beh! Buay kee gia lighter!!!" (@#$*! Forgot to bring
lighter!)

=======================================================

Last night, an incident took place at Boat Quay. What
happened was some idiot was trying to show off and
declared that he could swim across the Singapore
River. He jumped in and started swimming. But before
he could reach the halfway mark, he started to panic
and started to shout for help. Being typical
Singaporeans, a crowd started to gather to watch and
yet no attempt was made by anybody to save that poor
chap. Suddenly there was a splash and the crowd turned
to see a guy doing what seemed like a desperate
attempt to reach the drowning victim. It was clear
that this hero couldn't swim! Luckily a tongkang
filled with tourists was passing by and the operator
saw the incident and picked both men from the water.
The crowd cheered! Back on shore, the crowd cheered
again as the hero stepped off the tongkang. "Steady
lah!" and "Awright, man!" were among any
congratulations shouted. Ah Beng looked angry and
shouted "Ka ni na! Siang too wa loh chui?" (*%#@! Who
pushed me into the water?")

=======================================================

Ah Beng joined a quiz show and was asked to a name
three fruits whose names begin with "A". Ah Beng
immediately said "Apple...Apricot..." then he was stumped.
After a while, he finally shouted triumphantly, "Ang
Mor Tan!"

=======================================================

Ah Beng ordered a pizza and the waitress asked if he
should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

=======================================================

How do you make Ah Beng laugh on Saturday?
Tell him a joke on Wednesday.

=======================================================

"Oh, look at the dead bird."
Ah Beng looked skyward and said, "Where, where got?"

=======================================================

Why did Ah Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends?
Because below 18 was not allowed.

this thing is dedicated to all managers and CEO

no wonder the programmers working like hell...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Programmer to Team Leader:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"We CAN NOT do this proposed project. It will involve a major design
change and no one in our team knows the design of this system. Also
nobody in our company knows the language in which this application has
been written. If you ask my personal opinion, the company should never
take this type of project."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Team Leader to Project Manager:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"This project will involve a design change. Currently, we don't have any
staff who has experience in this type of work. Also, the language is
unfamiliar to us, so we will have to arrange for some training if we take
this project. In my personal opinion, we are not ready to take on a
project of this nature."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Project Manager to 1st Level Manager:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"This project involves a design change in the system and we don't have
much experience in that area. Also, not many people in our company are
appropriately trained for it. In my personal opinion, we would need more
time than usual to complete it."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
1st Level Manager to Senior Level Manager:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"This project involves design re-engineering. We have some people who
have worked in this area and others who know the implementation
language, so they can train other people. In my personal opinion we
should take this project, but with caution."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Senior Level Manager to CEO:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"This project will demonstrate to the industry our capabilities in
remodeling the design of a complete legacy system. We have all the
necessary skills and people to execute this project successfully. Some
people have already given in house training in this area to other staff
members. In my personal opinion, we should not let this project slip by us
under any circumstances."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
CEO to Client:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"This is the type of project in which our company specializes. We have
executed many projects of the same nature for many large clients. Trust
me when I say that we are the most competent firm in the industry for
doing this kind of work. It is my personal opinion that we can execute this
project successfully and well within the given time frame."

you all heard of blonde jokes...well here's a bunch of readhead jokes...

How do you get a redhead to argue with you?
Say something


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If you love a redhead, set her free....if she follows you everywhere you go, pitches a tent in your front lawn and puts your new girlfriend in the hospital, she's yours.

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How do you get a redhead's mood to change?
Wait 10 seconds


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What is the difference between a redhead and a computer?
A redhead won't accept a three and a half inch floppy.

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What does a redhead, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

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What's the true definition of a blonde?
Redhead with the fire of passion missing.


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Only two things are necessary to keep a redhead happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.


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What's the difference between a blonde and a redhead in bed?
A blonde let's you leave the bed when you are satisfied- a redhead let's you leave the bed when she is satisfied.


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Brunette after sex: "Oh that was great! Love you...wanna marry?" Blonde after sex: "Next!" Redhead after sex: "Better start chewing some VITAMINS, Kid.

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11 women, 10 blondes and 1 redhead, were on a hiking trip the Alps. While crossing a rope bridge, the ropes snapped and all 11 women had to cling to the dangling ropes for dear life. The rope was really stressed from all the weight so and they all knew that someone would have to let go so that the others would live. After a few moments of silence the redhead spoke up and volunteered to let go. She went into a long speech about how she hopes that the sacrifice that she was about to make would be remembered for all time because she would be sending herself to certain death so that more could live on. At that she ended her speech and bowed her head for a dramatic pause, all the blondes are so touched by her willingness to sacrifice her own life started to to cheer and applaud...the redhead is now married to a rich older man.

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How do you know a guy at the beach has a redhead for a girlfriend?
She has scratched "stay off MY TURF!" on his back with her nails.

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How do you know when your redhead has forgiven you?
She stops washing your clothes in the toilet bowel.


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How do you know when a redhead has been using your computer?
There's a hammer embedded in the monitor.


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What do you call a redhead with an attitude?
Normal


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One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his redhaired wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his redhead with a pinch on the breast and said "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardner, the poolman and your brother."


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table.
A very attractive redhead comes in and wants to bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless."
With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling "Momma needs a new pair of pants!"
She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers: "YES!
I WIN! I WIN!"
With that she picks up her money and her clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"
The other one answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A redhead found out that her husband was cheating on her while stationed in Saudi a few months ago, so she sends him this care package. He is excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favorite TV shows. He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some episodes of South Park. Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees sucking off his best friend. After a few seconds, he does his business in her mouth and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough. She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I wanna divorce."


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Upon entering the confessional, a young redhead spilled the beans, admitting: "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me -- seven times." The priest thought long and hard, then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass, then drink it." The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said, "No, but it will wipe the smile off your face."


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Good girls go to heaven, Redheads go where ever they damn well please.


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How many men does it take to please a redhead?
How many you got?


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What do you do when a redhead is pissed at you?
Run like hell and don't look back.


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Redheads are the sweetest most innocent girls.........when they are asleep.

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How do you know when you've had sex with a redhead?
If you are dehydrated, can't walk, and have blood running down your back, you've been with a redhead.


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A redhead's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times.

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LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD'S HAPPY ENDING

Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and visit her grandmother in the forest and her mother said: "You'd better not go out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because the big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do. He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and screw your little red socks off."

But Little Red Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said: "Don't worry Mum, I've got it covered."

So she was walking through the forest when she came across the three little pigs. One of them ran out of the brick house and said, "You shouldn't be out tonight Little RedRiding Hood! The big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do if he catches you. He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and screw your little red socks off."

So she pulled out the shotgun and said: "Don't worry boys. Got it covered!"

As she continued through the forest she came across the big bad wolf and he said: "You shouldn't have come out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because you know what I'm going to do. I'm going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and screw your little red socks off."

So she lifted up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, lay down on her back with her legs apart, pointed the shotgun at him and said "NO! You're going to eat me like the book says."

> Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?

> Waiter : Sit down, sir, we serve anyone.

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>

> Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?

> Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?

> Customer : No, I can't.

> Waiter : Then does it really matter?

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

> Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.

> Waiter : Yes Sir, they are not very good swimmers.

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>

> Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.

> Waiter : That's all right, Sir, he won't drink much.

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>

> Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.

> Waiter : So what! do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>

> Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea cup?>

> Waiter : I wouldn't know, Sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

> Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.

> Waiter : Funny? But why aren't you laughing?

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

> Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?

> Father : No. Why do you ask that?

> Son : Well, where did you get mummy then?

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

> Peter : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots! Kirk : Yes it's really strange. I' ve got another pair of the same at home.

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>

> Wife : Do you want dinner?

> Husba! nd : Sure, what are my choices?

> Wife : Yes and no.

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

> First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!! "

> Second Guy : "You're fortunate, mine's still alive."

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>

> A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order. "

> The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you,your honour, I'll have a scotch and soda."

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

> Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Penang in two days time? Post Master : Well it might do.

> Customer : I bet you, it won't.

> Post Master : Why not?

> Customer : It's addressed to Johor.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

> An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.

> 'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.' 'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist. 'How long has what been going on?' said the man.

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

> 1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!

> 2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor. 1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>

> Man : How old is your father?

> Boy : As old as me.

> Man : How can that be?

> Boy : He became a father only when I was born.

>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

> Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field" Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field

> Teacher : How?

> Student : Ladies first.

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> Man : Where are you from?

> Woman : U.S.A.

> Man : Are you here on vacation?

> Woman : No! I'm here for lunch.

> Man : What!!! All the way from the United States of America!!! Woman

> : No! Upper Serangoon Avenue. Man : !!@#$%^&*!*#

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>

> A lady went to a restaurant and ordered a bowl of soup.

> Lady : Waiter, what is this soup called?

> Waiter : It is called special chicken soup.

> Lady : But I see no chicken in it!

> Waiter : That's why it's so special!

>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>

> Question : Why did you throw the butter out of the window ? Answer : I wanted to see a butterfly.

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

It's really a touching story...

A man was walking across the road when he met with

an accident. The impact was on his head which caused

him to be in a coma for 2 days. When he opened his

eyes, his wife was by his side.

He told her (in tears), "When I was struggling with

my studies in the University, I failed again and

again. Sometimes I even had to re-take my papers.

You were there by my side, encouraging me to go on trying."

She squeezed his hands as he continued, "When I

went for major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there, cutting out the job ads for me to apply..."

He added, " ...then I started working in this

little firm and finally got a big contract. I blew it because of a small mistake. But you are still there for me." His wife was in tears.

The man said, "I finally got a job after being laid off

for quite some time. But I was never promoted and

my hard work was notrecognised.

I remained in the same position from the day I joined

the company till now. You are still beside me..."

His wife's tears trickled down as she listened to him,

" And now I meet with an accident and when I wake up

you are here with me. There's something I'll really

like to say to you..."She flung herself on the bed and

hug her husband, sobbing with deep emotion.



Finally her husband said,

"I think you bring me bad luck."

> How the company views its employees. (HE VS SHE)
>
> The family picture is on HIS desk.
> Ah, a solid, responsible family man.
> The family picture is on HER desk.
> Umm, her family will come before her career.
>
>
> HIS desk is cluttered.
> He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man.
> HER desk is cluttered.
> She's obviously a disorganised scatterbrain.
>
>
> (I think this part is especially true)
> HE is talking with his co-workers.
> He must be discussing the latest deal.
> SHE is talking with her co-workers.
> She must be gossiping.
>
>
> HE's not at his desk.
> He must be at a meeting.
> SHE's not at her desk.
> She must be in the ladies' room.
>
>
> HE's not in the office.
> He's meeting with customers.
> SHE's not in the office.
> She must be out shopping.
>
>
> HE's having lunch with the boss.
> He's on his way up.
> SHE's having lunch with the boss.
> They must be having an affair.
>
>
> The boss criticised HIM.
> He'll improve his performance.
> The boss criticised HER.
> She'll be very upset.
>
>
> HE got an unfair deal.
> Did he get angry?
> SHE got an unfair deal.
> Did she cry?
>
>
> HE's getting married.
> He'll get more settled.
> SHE's getting married.
> She'll get pregnant and leave.
>
>
> (This part is GOOD too)
> HE's having a baby.
> He'll need a raise.
> SHE's having a baby.
> She'll cost the company money in maternity benefits.
>
>
> HE's going on a business trip.
> It's good for his career.
> SHE's going on a business trip.
> What does her husband say?
>
>
> HE's leaving for a better job.
> He knows how to recognise a good opportunity.
> SHE's leaving for a better job.
> Women are not dependable.

A couple decide to go golfing to the best golf course in their state.While playing,the husband tells his wife to be very carefull as there were many houses along the golf course.But the stupid wife swings her club and it breaks one of the glasses of the biggest house on the course.so the husband and wife decided to go and apologize to the owner of the house.When thay reached the house the they found a glass bottle lying on the floor broken into hundreds of peices.The found an old man sitting inhis rocking chair and greeted the couple inside.he said"i am a genie and i would like to thank u for letting me free from this bottle,and i would like to grant u 2 wishes and the 3rd wish is mine.so the husband says i want a private aircraft for myself.the wife said she would like a house in every single country.the genie says for the past 200 years he has never had sex and would like to have sex with the lady.the husband agrees and the genie takes the lady up and begins having sex.then he asks the lady"how old is your husband"she replys"47"and the genie says"what a kid he still believes in genies"

ASKING FOR FAVOURS & KNOWING WHEN TO STOP


There was this guy that couldn't get laid because he had a 25-inch d***!
So one day he decides he's going to get
it shortened. He goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, listen, you gotta help me. No chicks'll sleep with me cause
I have a 25 inch d***!"


After a few minutes intense examination the doctor delivers the bad news. "Look man, I'm sorry but this d*** is so
damn huge I can't possibly redu! ce it. However, I CAN give you the location of a witch that lives in the woods
nearby that can help you out."


So off the guy goes into the woods and he finds the witch. "This is what I want you to do," she says. "Go a little
further into the woods and you'll come to a pond. There'll be a frog there that can talk. Everytime you ask the
frog to marry you and he says no, your d*** will decrease by five inches."

Off he goes again, into the woods until he comes across a pond and sees the frog. "Froggy," he yells, "will you
marry me?" The frog rolls his eyes and yells "NO!" The man looks at his cock and sees that it has decreased to 20
inches. Again, the man yells to the frog, "Froggy, will you marry me?" The frog rolls his eyes and goes "NO!" Now
his d*** is down to 15 inches, and he figures 10 is ideal. So once more he yells, "Froggy, will you marry me?"
The frog looks up one last time and says, "HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU? NO! NO! NO!"

i think in the current situation, ur right!

hence its called a joke