A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day. Carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. "Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

maloa

u almost made me laugh out in class

A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
not saying a
word. An
earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither
of them wanted
to concede
their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules,
goats, and pigs,
the
husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

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A husband read an article to his wife about how many
words women use a
day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we
have to repeat
everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked,
"What?"

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A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you
can be so
stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me
beautiful so
you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I
would be
attracted to you!

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Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent
quarrel, and hubby
was losing his temper. "Be careful," he said to his
wife. "You
will bring out the beast in me." ...

"So what?" his wife shot back. "Who is afraid of a
mouse?"

4 chinese, Chu, Bu, Fu and Su decided to immigrate to the US.
In order to get a Visa, they had to adapt their names to American
standards.
Chu became Chuck, Bu became Buck.
Fu and his sister Su decided to stay in China.

A Malaysian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes first to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?"

He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the US hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell. Then he comes to the Malaysian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks, "What do they do here?"

He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Malaysian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells why are there so many people waiting to get in?"

"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Government servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen for a teabreak.....

so bad, these foreigner jokes bash ppl one >.<

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead
is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now
sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!" Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking,
the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee
in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"


gross

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."


She replies, "If your peenees is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

In a train car there were a Canadian, an American, a spectacular looking
blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of
the trip, the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel and the
unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel,the
American had a big red slap mark on his cheek.


1) The blonde thought - "That American SOB wanted to touch me
and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn
must have slapped his face."


2) The fat lady thought - "This dirty old American laid his hands on the
blonde and she smacked him."


3) The American thought - "That damn Canadian put his hand on that blonde
and by mistake she slapped me."


4) The Canadian thought - "I hope there is another tunnel soon so I can
smack that stupid American again."

Two Italian men and a lady stranded on a desert
island;
The two fought and one KILLED the other to have
the lady.

Two American men and a lady stranded on a
desert island;
They both had the lady TOGETHER.

Two French men and a lady stranded on a desert
island;
They killed the lady to have EACH OTHER.

Two Indonesian men and a lady stranded on a
desert island;
The first man claimed that island is independent
and took the lady as his advisor.
The second man swam to another island to search
for jobs.

Two Thai men and a lady stranded on a desert
island;
The first man rented the lady to the second man
for 2 baht a night.

Two Filipino men and a lady stranded on a desert
island;
The first man kidnapped the lady and asked for
ransom from the other man.

Two Malaysian men and a lady stranded on a
desert island;
The lady ACCUSED the first man of sodomizing
the other because she was rejected by both.

Two Singaporean men and a lady stranded on a
desert island;
The two men are still waiting for instructions from
the GOVERNMENT on how to proceed.