This post has been edited by hizperion: Oct 23 2018, 06:53 PM

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make
weekly
collections from all the private businesses that
they were 'protecting'.

Feeling the heat from the police force, they
decided to use a deaf person for this job. If he
were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to
communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks
up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep
the money and stashes it in a safe place.

The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is
late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf
collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and
ask him where the money is. The deaf collector
can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags
the guy to an interpreter. The Mafia hood says to
the interpreter, "Ask him where the money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"

The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're
talking about." The interpreter tells the hood,
"He says he doesn't know what you're talking
about."

The hood pulls out a large gun and places it in
the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where
the money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"

The deaf man replies, "The $50,000 is in Central
Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left
from the West 78th Street gate ."

The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he
still doesn't know what you're talking about, and
doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger."

pwned :p

I dont quite understand this

oh yeah yeah..maybe thats what it means

lol, thats a nice one!

USA also got prince arr? "

its on the 50th page to make it worse

this is a repost!

>Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?

>Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.

>

>

>

>

>Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?

>Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?

>Customer : No, I can't.

>Waiter : Then does it really matter?

>

>

>

>

>Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.

>Waiter : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.

>

>

>

>

>Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.

>Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much.

>

>

>

>

>Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.

>Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

>

>

>

>

>Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?

>Waiter : I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.

>

>

>

>

>Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.

>Waiter : Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?

>

>

>

>

>Lady : Is this my train?

>Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.

>Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take

>This train to New Delhi.

>Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

>

>

>

>Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?

>Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and

>The

>game went into extra time.

>

>

>

>

>Wife : Do you want dinner?

>Husband : Sure, what are my choices?

>Wife : Yes and no.

>

>

>

>

>

>A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a

>Commotion in the gallery.

>The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."

>The

>drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have A

>scotch

>and soda."

>

>

>

>

>Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in

>Two days time?

>Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.

>Customer : I bet you, it won't.

>Post Master : Why not?

>Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.

>

>

>

>

>An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.

>'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'

>'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.

>'How long has what been going on?' said the man.

>

>

>

>

>Girl : Do you love me?

>Boy : Yes Dear.

>Girl : Would you die for me?

>Boy : No, mine is undying love.

>

>

>

>

>1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!

>2nd

>thief : But this is the 13th floor.

>1st thief : Hurry! This is no time for superstitions.

>

>

>

>

>Man : How old is your father?

>Boy : As old as me.

>Man : How can that be?

>Boy : He became a father only when I was born.

>

>

>

>

>Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the

>Field"

>Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field

>Teacher : How?

>Student : Ladies first.

>

>

>

>

>Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.

>Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.

>

>

>

>

>Little Susie came running into the house after school one day,

>Shouting,

>

>"Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"

>"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy.

>"Come in to the living room and tell me about it."

>"Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math's and

>20

>in science."

this one's gonna be better then

Best Out of Office Auto Replies (try using one of these the next time you are out of office)


1.
I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.
Be prepared for my mood.


2.
You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office.
If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.


3.
I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April.
Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order It was received.


4.
Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5..99 for the first ten Words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.


5.
The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message.
Please restart your computer and try sending again.


6.
Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.... You are Currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 13 weeks.


7.
I've run away to join a different circus.


8.
I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons....
When I return, Please refer to me as ' Margaret ' instead of 'Steve'.


9.
Due to inappropriate contents in your email, please notice that this email is forwarded to the nearest police station.


10.
This message will explode in 5 seconds... Good luck, Mr. Hunt...


11.
How many times should I tell you ??? I received your mail already, please stop sending this mail. It is 435 times already !!!


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Please restart your computer and try to resend the mail. If the problem persist, please contact your email database administrator.


13.
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14.
Wrong address, sorry !


15.
This email is rejected due to missing stamps.

This is Malaysia-and u should know
>
> >NATIONAL EXCUSE FOR HAIR LOSS:
> >Ajinomoto
> >
> >NATIONAL INSTANT FOOD :
> >Maggi Mee.
> >
> >NATIONAL BREAKFAST :
> >Nasi Lemak
> >
> >NATIONAL LUNCH :
> >Nasi Ayam
> >
> >NATIONAL SUPPER :
> >Roti Canai & Teh Tarik
> >
> >NATIONAL EXCUSE FOR BEING LATE:
> >Traffic Jam.
> >
> >NATIONAL CONDOM:
> >None. Most Malaysians still feel embarrassed buying condoms.
> >So they rushed into a 7-11, hurriedly grab the nearest pack,any pack,
> >pay and leave before the cashier can even blink an eye
> >
> >NATIONAL FRUIT FOR INDUCING MENSTRUATION:
> >Pineapple.
> >
> >NATIONAL APHRODISIAC DRINK:
> >Stout. Many Malaysian men swear by it. But then after a few pints they
> >start swearing at everything...
> >
> >NATIONAL FAKE ILLNESS FOR GETTING MC (MEN):
> >Food Poisoning.
> >
> >NATIONAL FAKE ILLNESS FOR GETTING MC (WOMEN):
> >Menstrual Pain
> >
> >NATIONAL EXCUSES GIVEN BY WOMEN WHEN REFUSING SEX:
> >Headache, kids not asleep, maid not asleep, mother-in-law around, early
> >appointment, food not digested yet, aircond not cold enough, aircond too
> >cold, nail??polish not dry yet, forgot to take the pill, sleepy, stomach
> >cramps, period, haven't remove make-up, haven't shower, no water supply,
> >going to watch "Santa Barbara", depress, no mood, etc...
> >
> >NATIONAL EXCUSES GIVEN BY MEN WHEN REFUSING SEX:
> >None. Malaysian men never refuse sex.
> >
> >NATIONAL CURE FOR DIARRHOEA :
> >Cap Kaki Tiga. Down one bottle with warm water and you are all "dried
>up".
> >
> >NATIONAL CURE FOR HEADACHES:
> >Panadol. The "cure for all". If it fails we have another secret weapon
>Tiger
> >Balm.
> >
> >NATIONAL CURE FOR NAUSEA :
> >Moh Fah Kor.
> >
> >NATIONAL CURE FOR DIZZINESS:
> >Minyak Angin Cap Kapak.
> >
> >NATIONAL CAUSE OF DIZZINESS (FOR YUPPIES):
> >Happy Hours.
> >
> >NATIONAL INSTANT CURE FOR DIZZINESS (FOR YUPPIES):
> >The sight of a police road block.
> >
> >NATIONAL RICE COOKER :
> >NATIONAL Rice Cooker
> >
> >NATIONAL RUBBISH DUMP:
> >Anywhere. As long as it is not your house.
> >
> >NATIONAL MOST MIS-PRONOUNCED NAME:
> >Carrefour. Sometimes even pronounced as Carry 4!

omg lol. pwned

Kisah Tiga Pontianak

Pada satu malam 3 ekor pontinak sedang bertenggek di atas pokok sambil
bergaduh tentang kehebatan masing-masing.Ketiga-tiga mengaku diri
mereka
hebat.Untuk menentukan siapa paling hebat mereka pun cuba membuktikan
ke
hebatan masing-masing.

Pontianak A terbang dengan sepantas kilat.10 saat kemudian balik semula
ke
pokok tersebut.Kelihatan ada kesan-kesan darah di sekitar gigi
Pontianak A.

Pontianak A : Korang nampak rumah tu
Pontianak B : Nampak!
Pontianak C : Nampak!
Pontianak A : Satu rumah tu habis aku kerjakan.

Pontianak B pula terbang lebih pantas dari Pontianak A. 5 saat kemudian
balik semula ke pokok tersebeut.Kelihatan ada darah bukan setakat pada
gigi,malah pada keseluruhan mulut pontianak tersebut.

Pontianak B : Korang nampak kampung tu
Pontianak A : Nampak!
Pontianak C : Nampak!
Pontianak B : Habis satu kampung tu aku kerjakan.

Sejurus lepas itu Pontianak C pula terbang lebih pantas dari Pontianak
A dan
B .Dalam masa 2 saat je dia kembali ke pokok tersebut.Kelihatan darah
mengalir-ngalir bukan sahaja pada mulut,malah pada keseluruhan muka
pontianak tersebut.

Pontianak C : Korang nampak tembok kat hujung sana tu
Pontianak A : Nampak!
Pontianak B : Nampak!
Pontianak C : Err...tadi aku tak nampak...

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Kisah Cinta Azura Dan Zack

Azura dan Zack bersahabat sejak dari kecil.. Azura dan Zack saling cinta mencintai..

Setelah Besar... Zack melanjutkan pelajaran ke US dan Azura hanyalah seorang pengaggur..

Tetapi mereka terus berhubung surat dan telefon..hinggalah 2 tahun kemudian...Zack tidak lagi menghantar sebarang berita...Azura bersedih dan selalu berdoa agar hati Zack tidak berubah...Setelah lebih 5 tahun...barulah Zack mengirimkankan satu surat dan minta agar Azura menjemputnya di Lapangan Terbang...Azura sangat gembira dan merasakan Zack masih menyintainya...

Semasa menunggu Zack di lapangan terbang... Tiba-tiba bahu Azura di tepuk seseorang.

Dan ternyata orang itu adalah seorang gadis yang putih, tinggi, seksi dan berbaju
biru ketat. "Kamu Azura kan?" tanya gadis Cun itu... lantas menyambung...
"Kenalkan aku Zakiah....Aku ingin memberitahu bahawa engkau tidak akan bertemu lagidengan Jack. Lupakanlah dia....." tegas gadis tersebut Azura pucat dan hendak menangis... "Pompuan tak guna.. dah kau rampas Zack dari aku.. kau sakitkan hati ku lagi..." marah Azura..

Tiba-tiba gadis itu tersenyum dan menepuk bahu Azura dan berkata.... "Bawa bertenang... ini akulah Zack! nama baruku Zakiah.. Auwwww"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Kawan Berlagak, padan muka

tesebutlah kisah, 2 sahabat. Sye dan Pie. Sye ni suka berlagak alim. padahal x alim mana de. Pie pulak biasa je bila kena malukan depan kengkawan pasal hal agama camni. satu hari tu, diorang tengah baca satu buku sama-sama. tiba-tiba ada pulak sorang mamat ni rampas buku tu dari diorang.Pie ni mula ilang sabar dan menjerit. B**I betul!!!!! satu kelas pandang diorang. Sye pun mulalah berlagak alim."Dahlah tu Pie. aku lagi berdoa, mintak dengan tuhan x nak dengar perkataan -perkataan terkutuk tu, kau lagi sebut kuat-kuat kat sebelah telinga aku." jadi semua orang cuma tersenyum sinis memandang Pie. akhirnya, Pie dah fed up dengan dak Sye ni, dengan suara yang lantang, dia menyebut
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
"itu maknaya tuhan x terima doa kau."

kini, satu kelas ketawa melihat orang yang selama ni memang suka berlagak dituimpaskan oleh besfren nyer sendiri.

DEMIKIANLAH ADANYA.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Cerita Dari Jepun

Pada suatu ketika di Jepun hiduplah seorang lelaki yang sederhana, namanya Oda. Ia memiliki seorang isteri yang sangat cantik dan sangat disayanginya.

Namun sang isteri mempunyai perangai yang buruk, iaitu teramat cerewet sekali.

Selain itu sang isteri tersebut juga suka mengumpat dan bercakap dengan kuat hingga boleh menyakitkan telinga. Jiran tetangga tidak mahu dekat dengannya. Sebenarnya, Oda sangat menyayangi isterinya itu, tapi para tetangganya yang merasa terganggu menghasut Oda supaya meninggalkan isterinya itu.

Akhirnya Oda pun termakan kata-kata tetangganya. Ia berfikir bagaimana cara untuk melenyapkan isterinya dari muka bumi.

Suatu hari Oda mengajak isterinya berjalan-jalan ke kuil tua di tengah hutan. Ketika melalui bahagian belakang kuil tersebut, Oda melihat sebuah perigi buta yang tak digunakan lagi. Maka ia berpura-pura mengajak isterinya melihat burung di pohon besar dekat perigi itu. Lantas dengan pantas Oda menolak isterinya itu masuk ke perigi.

Sepuluh minit pertama Oda merasa sangat bahagia kerana sepanjang hidupnya baru kali ini ia merasakan suasana yang begitu tenang tanpa celoteh isterinya.

Sepuluh minit kedua, Oda mulai merasa sepi juga karena tidak biasa dengan kesunyian.

Akhirnya sepuluh minit ketiga dengan rasa ragu-ragu Oda kembali menuju perigi buta tersebut. Ia menurunkan tali timba dan berteriak menyuruh isterinya naik.

Begitu terkejutnya Oda ketika yang naik bukan isterinya melainkan makhluk menyeramkan dengan bulu lebat di seluruh tubuhnya, dialah makhluk penunggu perigi buta itu.

Oda lantas bertanya, "Kenapa kamu yang naik??"

Lantas makhluk itu pun dengan wajah pucat ketakutan menjawab, "Aku takut la, di bawah tu ada manusia... dah la cakap kuat cerewet pulak tu..."

i just don't understand the 3rd one

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