things u dont want to hear during surgery

1. ''Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.''

2. ''Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.''

3. ''Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness''

4. ''Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!''

5. ''Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?''

6. ''Hand me that... uh... that uh... ..thingie.''

7. ''Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.''

8. ''Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?''

9. ''Damn, there go the lights again... .''

10. ''Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them.''

11. ''What do you mean you want a divorce?''

Good Morning ladies and gentlemen, This is your captain Banta Singh welcoming you to Punjab Airlines. We apologize for the 4 days delay in taking off owing to bad weather and some overtime I had put in the Bakery.
This is Flight 012 to New Delhi. Landing in Delhi is not guaranteed but we will end up somewhere in the East. And if Luck is in our favour, we may even be landing on your village.

Punjab Airlines has an excellent record for safety. In fact our safety standards are so high that even the terrorists are afraid to fly with us. It is with pleasure that I announce that starting this year over 50% of our passengers have reached their destination. For the ones that don't quite make it, Punjab Airlines staff have all the requisite experience for consoling the next of the kin. Our stewardess Bubbly will be happy to brief you on our out of court settlement.

If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request we can arrange to turn them off. To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable we serve complimentary Tea and Biscuits. For our Religious passengers we are the only airline who can help you find out if there really is a God!

We regret to inform you that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television. But for our movie buffs we will be flying right next to the Air India Aircraft so the movie will be visible from the right side of the window.

There is no smoking in this airplane. Any smoke that you see in this cabin is the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down!

Life jackets are positioned under the seats and free bathing costumes are available to aunties and swimming shorts to the uncles for emergency jumps. In order to catch important land marks we try to fly as close as possible for the best view. If however you would like to have a closer look do let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilots sometimes flies right through the landmark.

Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take off and fasten your seatbelts. For those of you who cannot find a seat belt fasten your own belt to the arm of your chair. And for those of you who cannot find a seat do not hesitate to get in touch with a flight attendant for your suitcase.

Sorry!! But I won't be flying with you today because I have to attend my nephew's wedding. But please make yourself at home and help yourself to the cockpit. Thank you for choosing Punjab Airlines. Have a pleasant journey. " BALLE BALLE ".

One day a taxi driver went to Subang airport to pick up a passenger from the states. One the way to KL they pass by DAYA BUMI."Hmmmm... how long does this building needed to be built?"he ask the foreigner. "ah....three years only lah..."he answer."wat building like this one need three years ."he said.When they approach the Maybank building the tourist ask again.."how long to built this building".

By now the driver is wiser"oh only 2 years.."he said "HuH!!!.. in my country it takes only one year."the tourist inform him.When the pass by the Kl tower..he ask again"then how about this tower??" The driver said "this one is shorter....so we need only a year."Oh my god " said the american "in states it takes only 6 months".

The driver is angry now. He drove faster. When he pass by KLCC(twin tower)Again the passenger ask "wat about this skycramper here??" Squeeeeeeeek!!!. He pulled the hand brake.GEt off from the car and stare at the KLCC.

The foreigner was suprise and get off the cab The driver then said "wat the heck ..THIS BUILDING WASN'T HERE WHEN I PASS THIS ROAD AN HOUR AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" 
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One day, a man was walking in the forest.

He shouted," God, God, are you there?"

"Yes, my dear child, I'm here!" the God replied.

"God, I want to know a few things from you," that man shouted.

"Fine, shoot."

"God what's a million dollars to you ?" He asked.

"Oh! It is like a penny," God repiled.

"Then what's a million years to you?" He asked.

"Oh! It is like a second to me."

"God, I want a favour from you."

"My dear, what is it?"

"Can you give me a million dollars?"

"Oh, sure, just a second!!"