today...i called HP and pretend as i have problem with my computer.
The first question they asked is
Is your computer switched on?
wtf?

(Act 6)
In the class.
Teacher: "Class, do you know the meaning of parents?"
Ah Beng: "Yes, teacher, it means father and mother."
Teacher: "Good. Can you give me an example?"
Ah Beng: "Sure. Cowboy's parents means cowboy's father and mother. Also can say Cowboy's father is Cow Pay and Cowboy's mother is Cow Boo.
So if they walk together, we can say they are 'Cow Pay Cow Boo'."

*pegi jalan jalan*

*shivering*

(1)A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby
in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there
were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.


(2)At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.


(3) One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a "massive internal fart."

This bloke with Tourette`s Syndrome walks into the most exclusive
restaurant in town.

`Where`s the pissing, motherf***ing manager, you cocksucking arsewipe?`
he inquires of one of the waiters.

The waiter is taken-aback and replies, `Excuse me sir but could you
please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the
manager as soon as I can`.

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, `Are you the chicken-fuvcking
manager of this ******* place?`

`Yes sir, I am,` replies the manager, `but I would prefer it if you could
refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant`.

`Pardon?` says the manager.

`Fuvcking deaf as well, are we? You snivelling little piece of s hit,
show
me your cun ting piano.`

`Ah,` replies the manager, `you`ve come about the pianist job` and shows
the bloke to the piano.

`Can you play any blues?`

`Of course I fuc king can,` and the bloke proceeds to play the most
inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has
ever heard.

`That`s superb. What`s it called?`

`I tried to shag yer missus on the sofa but the springs kept hurting my
di cck,` replies the bloke.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The
bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has
ever heard.

`Magnificent,` cries the manager. `What`s it called?`

`I Wanted a w ank over the washing machine but I got my balls caught in
the soap drawer`.

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic
ballads.

The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the manager has ever
heard, `And what`s this called?` asks the manager

`As I furck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy
ring-piece,` replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke`s language but offers him the
job on condition that he doesn`t introduce any of his songs or talk to
any of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night,
sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his
eyes on.

She`s wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost falling
out the top of her black lace bra,and the skimpy little g-string she`s
wearing is doing very little to conceal her ample charms.

She`s sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on
asparagus shoots as the butter is dripping down her chin.

The image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the Gents to
furiously masturbate.

He`s tugging away furiously when he hears the manager`s voice. `Where`s
that ******* pianist?`

He just has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runs back to the
piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and
starts playing some more tunes.

The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers
in his ear,

`Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousers and
dripping spunk on your shoes?`

The bloke replies `Know it? I fucrking wrote it.`

An Australian tourism site has recently posted some of the most beguiling questions received by potential travellers to our fair shores, as well as potential answers. Any of these sound familiar?



Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I've never seen it rain on TV. How do your plants grow? (UK)

A: We import all of our plants fully grown and then sit around watching them die.



Q: My wife and I enjoy walking tours. How long will it take us to get from Perth to Sydney on foot? (Canada)

A: How long did it take you to do your last 4,000 kilometre walk? Bring a bottle of water.



Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? If so, can you send me a list of all of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?



Q: What is the weather like in Vienna in May? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y.



Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney, and is milk available year-round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful nation of vegan hunters and gatherers. Milk is illegal.



Q: Are the rattlesnakes in Melbourne deadly? Do you sell anti-venom at the grocery store? (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-i-ca, which is where you come from. Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make great pets.



Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? If so, when? (France)

A: Occasionally, and if so than during our Christmas annual leave.



Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go in Australia? (USA)

A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.



So keep a smile on your face and a map in your rucksack the next time you exercise your passport.