Firstly this is no joke I copy everything from a single page at a website

THIS REAL SIZES

Celebrity Bra SizesCelebrity Bra Sizes

Curious about the bra size of female celebrities is? Look no further, for we
have compiled a bra fitting size list these gorgeous female celebrities as
listed below:

Female CelebrityBra Size
Adrienne Barbeau 36-D
Angelina Jolie 36-C
Alba Parietti 34-B
Ali Larter 32-B
Ali MacGraw 34-A
Alicia Silverstone 34-B
Alyssa Milano 36-C
Amber Smith 36-D
Amy Jo Johnson 34-B
Amy Weber 34-C
Andie MacDowell 34-B
Andrea Rau 34-B
Angela Bassett 34-B
Angelique Pettyjohn 36-C
Angie d***inson 38-D
Angie Everhart 34-B
Angie Harmon 34-B
Anita Ekberg 36-D
Ann-Margret 36-D
Anna Bergman 34-B
Anna Kournikova 32-B
Anna Nicole Smith (before)36-A
Anna Nicole Smith (after) 42-DD
Annette Bening 34-B
Ashley Judd 34-B
Assumpta Serna 34-A
Audrey Hepburn 34-A
Audrey Landers 34-B
Barbara Bach 36-C
Barbara Carrera 36-B
Barbara Eden 36-B
Barbara Hershey 36-B
Barbara Stanwyck34-B
Barbara Steele 36-B
Bernadette Peters 36-C
Bess Myerson 36-B
Betsy Russell 34-C
Bette Davis 36-C
Blair Brown 34-B
Bo Derek 36-C
Brandy (Moesha)36-C
Brenda Vaccaro 36-C
Brigitte Bardot 36-B
Brigitte Nielsen 36-C
Britney Spears 36-C
Brooke Adams 34-B
Brooke Shields 34-B
Cameron Diaz 34-B
Camille Keaton 34-B
Candice Bergen 34-A
Candice Rialson 36-C
Caprice Bourett 34-D
Caren Kaye 36-C
Carly Simon 36-B
Carmen Electra 36-D
Carmen Russo 36-C
Carol Burnett34-A
Carol Channing34-A
Carole Bouquet 34-B
Caroline Munro 36-B
Carre' Otis 36-B
Carroll Baker 34-B
Catherine Bach 36-C
Catherine Deneuve 34-B
Catherine Oxenberg 34-B
Cathy Lee Crosby 36-B
Catya Sasoon 34-B
Charlene Tilton 34-D
Cher 32-B
Cheryl Ladd 36-C
Cheryl Tiegs 34-C
Chris Evert 34-B
Christiane Kruger 36-B
Christie Brinkley 36-C
Christina Applegate 34-C
Christina Ricci 36-C
Christy Turlington 34-B
Cindy Crawford 34-B
Cindy Lauper 34-B
Claire Danes 36-B
Claudia Cardinale 36-C
Claudia Jennings 34-B
Claudia Schiffer 36-C
Courteney Cox 34-C
Courtney Love 34-B
Cybill Shepherd 36-C
Daisy Fuentes 36-C
Dana Delany 34-C
Danielle Fishel 34-C
Danni Ashe (before)32-D
Danni Ashe (after) 34-G
Daphne Zuniga 34-B
Daryl Hannah 34-B
Dawn Dunlap 34-B
Debbie Reynolds34-B
Deborah Caprioglio 38-D
Deborah Norville 34-B
Deborah Shelton 36-C
Debra Winger 34-B
Demi Moore (before) 34-B
Demi Moore (after) 36-C
Denise Richards 36-C
Dian Parkinson 38-D
Diane Lane 36-C
Dolly Parton 40-DD
Donna Dixon 34-C
Donna Mills 34-B
Donna Reed 34-B
Donna Rice 34-B
Donna Summer 34-B
Doris Day 36-B
Drew Barrymore 34-C
Dyanne Thorne 36-D
Elizabeth Berkley 34-C
Elizabeth Hurley 36-C
Elizabeth McGovern 34-B
Elizabeth Taylor36-C
Elke Sommer 36-B
Elle MacPherson 34-C
Ellen Barkin 34-C
Ellen Greene 36-C
Elsa Martinelli 34-A
Emma Harrison 34-C
Emma Samms 38-C
Emmanuelle Seigner 34-B
Erin Gray 36-B
Eva Herzigova 36-C
Eve Meyer 44-E
Farrah Fawcett 34-B
Frances Raines 34-B
Francesca Dellera 34-B
Frederique Van Der Wal 36-C
Gabriella Sabatini 34-B
Gabriella Brum 36-B
Gail McKenna 36-C
Gena Lee Nolin 34-B
Gene Tierney 36-B
Geri Halliwell (ginger spice)34-D
Gillian Anderson 34-C
Gina Gershon 36-C
Gisele Bundchen 34-C
Gloria Steinem 34-B
Goldie Hawn 34-A
Grace Kelly 34-A
Greta Garbo 36-B
Gwyneth Paltrow 34-B
Halle Berry 36-C
Heather Locklear 34-B
Heidi Fleiss 34-B
Helen Hunt 34-B
Helen Slater 32-A
Iman 34-C
Jackie Kennedy Onasis 36-A
Jackie Zeman 36-C
Jaclyn Smith 34-B
Jacqueline Bisset 36-D
Jamie Lee Curtis 34-C
Jane Fonda 34-B
Jane March 34-B
Jane Russell 38-D
Jane Seymour 36-B
Janet Jackson 36-C
Janet Leigh 36-C
Jayne Kennedy 36-B
Jayne Mansfield 40-D
Jean Harlow 34-B
Jenilee Harrison 36-C
Jenna Von Oy 36-B
Jennifer Aniston 34-B
Jennifer Connelly 34-D
Jennifer Hetrick 36-B
Jennifer Jason Leigh 34-B
Jennifer Lopez 34-C
Jennifer Love Hewitt 36-C
Jennifer Rubin 34-B
Jennifer Tilly 34-C
Jenny McCarthy 38-D
Jenny Seagrove 36-B
Jeri Ryan 36-D
Jessica Lange 36-C
Jessica Simpson 34-D
Jewel Kilcher 34-D
Jewel Shepard 34-B
Jill Clayburg 36-B
Jill Goodacre 36-C
Joan Chen 36-C
Joan Crawford 36-C
Joan Rivers 34-B
Joanna Pacula 34-B
Jordan 34-D
Judy Landers 36-C
Julia Roberts 34-B
Julianne Moore 34-B
Julianne Phillips 34-B
Julie Andrews 34-B
Julie Brown 36-C
Julie Christie 36-B
Julie Ege 36-C
Julie McCullough 36-B
Juliette Binoche 34-A
Justine Bateman 34-B
Katarina Witt 36-C
Kate Moss 32-A
Kate Winslet 34-C
Katey Sagal 34-E
Katharine Hepburn 34-B
Kathleen Beller 34-C
Kathie Lee Gifford 36-B
Kathy Ireland 34-B
Katie Holmes 34-C
Kelly Brook 32-E
Kelly LeBrock 34-B
Kelly Preston 34-C
Kelly Van Dyke 36-C
Kim Alexis 34-B
Kim Basinger 36-C
Kim Cattrall 34-B
Kimberly Paige (wwf) 36-C
Kirstie Alley 34-B
Kitten Natividad 38-HH
Kristen McMenamy 34-B
Kristy McNichol 34-B
Kristy Swanson 36-C
Lana Clarkson 36-C
Lana Turner 34-C
Laetitia Casta 36-D
Latoya Jackson 32-D
Laura Antonelli 36-D
Laura Banks 34-B
Laura San Giacomo 34-D
Lauren Bacall 34-B
Lauren Hutton 34-B
Leah Remini34-C
Lee Merriwether34-B
Lee Remick34-B
Leann Rimes 34-D
Leslie Anne Down 34-B
Lila McCann 36-C
Linda Blair 34-D
Linda Evangelista 34-B
Linda Evans 36-C
Linda Hutton 34-B
Lindsay Wagner 34-A
Lisa Hartman 34-C
Lisa Kudrow 36-C
Liv Tyler 34-C
Loni Anderson 34-D
Lori Loughlin 34-B
Lori Singer 34-B
Lorraine Bracco 34-B
Lucille Ball 34-B
Lucy Lawless 38-C
Lydia Cornell36-C
Lydie Denier 36-B
Lynda Carter 36-C
Madeleine Stowe 34-B
Madonna 34-C
Margaux Hemingway 34-A
Maria Whittaker 36-D
Mariah Carey (before) 32-B
Mariah Carey (after) 36-C
Marie Osmond34-B
Mariel Hemingway 32-A
Marilu Henner 36-C
Marilyn Chambers 36-B
Marilyn McCoo34-B
Marilyn Monroe 34-C
Marsha Grant 34-B
Mary Ann Mobley34-C
Mary Hart34-B
Mary Pierce 34-C
Mary Stuart Masterson 34-B
Mary Tyler Moore34-B
Melanie Griffith 34-B
Melissa Joan Hart 34-B
Meredith Baxter 38-C
Meryl Streep 34-B
Mia Farrow 34-B
Michelle Johnson 36-C
Michelle Pfeiffer 34-B
Milla Jovovich 32-B
Mimi Rogers 38-D
Mimsy Farmer 34-B
Minka (before)36-B
Minka (after) 70-HH
Monique Gabrielle 34-B
Morgan Fairchild 34-B
Nancy Allen 34-B
Nancy Kerrigan 32-B
Naomi Campbell 34-B
Nastassja Kinski 34-B
Natalia Cigliuti 34-C
Natalie Cole36-B
Natalie Nell 34-B
Natalie Wood 32-B
Neve Campbell 34-B
Nicole Eggert 32-A
Nicole Kidman 34-B
Niki Taylor 34-B
Nikki Freud 36-D
Nina Blackwood 34-B
Olivia Newton John 34-B
Ornella Muti 36-C
Paloma Picasso 36-B
Pamela Anderson (before) 34-C
Pamela Anderson (after) 36-DD
Patricia Ford 36-D
Patricia Richardson 34-B
Patti Davis 34-B
Paula Abdul 34-B
Paula Barbieri 34-B
Paula Marshall 34-C
Paulina Porizkova 36-B
Phoebe Cates 34-B
Phyllis Davis 36-C
Pia Zadora 34-B
Princess Caroline 34-B
Princess Diana 36-B
Princess Stephanie 34-B
Priscilla Barnes 36-B
Rachel Hunter 36-C
Rachel Ward 34-C
Ramona Drews (before)34-A
Ramona Drews (after) 34-D
Randi Brooks 36-C
Raquel Welch 36-D
Rebecca DeMornay 34-B
Rene Russo 34-B
Renee Soutendijk 36-B
Renee Zellweger 34-B
Rhonda Shear 36-D
Rita Hayworth 36-C
Rita Mero (wwf's Sable) 38-C
Robin Givens 34-B
Rosanna Arquette 36-C
Rose McGowan 36-C
Rosie Perez 34-C
Sabrina Salerno 36-D
Sally Field 34-B
Sally Struthers 34-C
Salma Hayek 36-C
Samantha Fox 36-D
Samantha Mathis 34-B
Sarah Michelle Gellar 34-B
Sarah Young (before)34-B
Sarah Young (after) 44-EE
Sarenna Lee (before)32-D
Sarenna Lee (after) 44-H
Sean Young 34-B
Selena Steele 34-B
Senta Berger 38-C
Serena Grandi 36-D
Shannon Elizabeth 36-D
Shannon Whirry 36-D
Sharon Stone 34-B
Shauna Sand 34-D
Shawn Weatherly 36-B
Shelley Hack 34-A
Sherilyn Fenn 36-C
Shirley Jones 34-B
Shirley MacLaine 34-B
Sian Adey Jones 36-D
Sigourney Weaver 34-B
Sissy Spacek 34-B
Sofia Coppola 34-A
Sofia Vergara34-C
Soleil Moon Frye (before)38-DD
Soleil Moon Frye (after) 36-C
Sophia Loren 38-C
Stacey Williams 34-C
Steffi Graf 36-B
Stephanie Beacham 36-C
Stephanie McMahon34-D
Stephanie Powers36-B
Stephanie Seymour 34-B
Stevie Nicks 34-B
Susan Anton 36-C
Susan Lucci 34-B
Susan Sarandon 36-C
Susan St. James 34-B
Suzanne Somers 36-C
Sybil Danning 36-B
Talisa Soto 36-B
Tammy Lynn Sytch- Sunny36-C
Tammy Parks 36-B
Tanya Roberts 34-B
Tara Lipinski32-A
Tatjana Patitz 34-B
Teri Hatcher 32-C
Tiffany Bolling 34-B
Tonya Harding 34-B
Tori Spelling 34-B
Traci Topps (before)34-D
Traci Topps (after) 36-J
Tracy Scoggins 34-B
Tyra Banks 34-C
Ulla Weigerstorfer 36-B
Ulrika Jonsson 36-C
Uma Thurman 36-C
Ursula Andress 36-B
Ursula Buchfellner 34-B
Uschi Digard 40-D
Valerie Harper34-B
Valerie Kaprisky 34-B
Vanessa Angel 34-C
Vanessa Williams 34-C
Vendela Kirsebom 34-B
Verona Feldbusch 34-B
Victoria Principal 36-C
Victoria Sellers 34-A
Virginia Madsen 36-C
Vivian Leigh 32-B
Whitney Houston 34-B
Winona Ryder 34-C
Xuxa 34-B
Yasmeen Ghauri 34-B
Yasmine Bleeth 36-C
Yoko Ono 34-C
Yvette Stefen Nelson34-C
Zsa Zsa Gabor 36-C

Remember this is taken from this website

No pics sorry

Things Found Only in America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the
store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet
Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain
the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway
and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have
call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first
place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of
eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well:
Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering ...

Not from email but interestingly funny

A German survey shows that as many as 1 in 4 men are now under pressure from sexually demanding modern women. Norwegian experts believe this trend will continue to grow, with men as young as 20 experiencing sexual harassment.
'It is a myth that men are erotic boy scouts, always prepared' said Dr. Kjell-Olav Svendsen as sexually predatory women are causing evermore young men to suffer impotence and poor performance under pressure.

http://www.aftenposten.no/english/local/ar...rticleID=606841

Things that makes you go Hmmm

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
---
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
---
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
---
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have
monkeys
and apes?
---
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all
the
bad girls live.
---
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,"Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the
purpose.
---
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
---
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with
soap?
---
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
is it considered a hostage situation?
---
10. Is there another word for synonym?
---
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
---
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?
---
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
---
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
---
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid
someone
will clean them?
---
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
---
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
---
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?
---
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
--
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow
road
signs?
---
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
---
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other
people.
---

23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
---
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
---
25. How is it possible to have a civil war? @#&%$!!!# ?
---
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
---
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
---
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
---
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
---
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of
"assteroids"?
---
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
---
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
---
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he
become
disoriented?

Another found from somewhere


A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his
sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and
found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat
down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said,
"Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the
guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him,
when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and
said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other
men's penises in your mouth?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right." His
mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled
around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and
said,


"Don't you EVER complain about my cooking
again!!!!!"

Another around a long time.


On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and to comfort her.

When she ask how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny.
"Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm.
Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today.
_________________

TYPES OF PEOPLE IN THE MENS ROOM

EXCITABLE : Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts

SOCIABLE : Joins friends in pissing whether he has to or not

CROSS-EYED : Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed

TIMID : Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal and comes
back later

INDIFFERENT : If all urinals are being used, pisses in sink

CLEVER : No hands, fixes tie, looks around and pisses on floor

WORRIED : Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection

FRIVOLOUS : Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit fly
or bug

ABSENT MINDED : Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants

CHILDISH : Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble

TOUGH : Bangs d*** on side of urinal to dry it

PATIENT : Stands very close for a long time waiting, lets it drip dry,
reads with other hand

EFFICIENT : Waits until he has to crap, then does both

DRUNK : Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants

DISGRUNTED : Stands for a while, gives up, walks away

CONCEITED : Holds two inch d*** like a baseball bat

DESPERATE : Waits in long line, teeth clenched, pisses in pants

SNEAK : Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in
next stall will get blamed

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love
him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a
lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she
does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT
GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the
ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I
started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
_________________

30 ways to point out someones intelectual failings

1. The wheels spinning, but the hamsters dead.
2. The cheese slid off his cracker.
3. As smart as bait.
4. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
5. The chimney's clogged.
6. The elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
7. Forgot to pay his brain bill.
8. Her sewing machine is out of thread.
9.A few beers short of a six-pack
10. His antenna doesn't pick up all channels.
11. If he had another brain it would be lonely.
12. Missing a few buttons to his remote control.
13. Proof that evolution can go in reverse.
14. Reciever is off the hook.
15. Several nuts short of a full pouch.
16.Skylight leaks a little.
17. Too much yardage between the goal posts.
18.No grain in the silo.
19. A few clowns short of the circus.
20. A few fries short of a happy meal.
21. A sandwich short of a picnic.
22. One froot loop shy of a full bowl.
23. A few feathers short of the whole duck.
24. All foam, no beer.
25. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
26. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
27. A few peas short of a casserole.
28. The lights are on, but nobody's home.
29. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
30. A few bricks shy of a house.

Two good old boys, Bubba and Junior have been promoted from Privates
to Sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey,
Junior, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have a drank."
"But we's privates," protests Junior.

"We's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside. "Now, Junior, I'm
gonna sit down and have me a drank."

"But, we's privates," says Junior.

"You blind, boy?" asks Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants
now."

So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.

"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you some place and make you
feel good but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the
dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay
sign."

Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of
gonorrhea. "Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?"

"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates."
Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now."

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder
going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed
the ladder.

He reached a cloud, upon which was sat a rather plump
and homely looking woman. "Screw me or climb the
ladder to success" she said. No contest, thought the man,
so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud
was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on
the eye.

"Screw me or climb the ladder to success" she said.
"Well", thought the man, "might as well carry on. On the
next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time,
was really hot.

"Screw me now or climb the ladder to success" she
uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder,
the man thought to himself that this was getting better the
further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty.
Slim, attractive, everything he could want. "Screw me or
climb the ladder to success" she flirted.

Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a
gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he
reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man,
arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his crotch.

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello" said the ugly fat man said, "my name's Cess!"

City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her
new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa
bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the
bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.The cop said,
"Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl
looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring
it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at
the cop and said,


"Next year tell Santa the d*** goes underneath the horse,
not on top."

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After the mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, " When i am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, i put a glass of vodka next to the glass of water. If i start to get nervous i take a sip". So the next sunday the new priest took the monsignor's advice. At the begining of the surmon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to take up a storm. When he returned to his office afterwards, he found the following note on the door.

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments not 12.

3. There are 12 deciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the Late JC.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, son and spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say 'he was stoned off his ass'.

10. We do not refer to the Cross as Big T.

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper, he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body". He did not say "Eat me".

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the "Mary with the cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God".

14. Next sunday there will be a taffy - pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter - pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Apologies to hurt sensitivities if any.
_________________

All my jokes are not from emails since all those I block off... anyway here are some more cool jokes....



A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police
cruiser pulled her over and walked up to the car. The police officer also
happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally
said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on
it!"

The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small
rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and
said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde
policewoman.

The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and
said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer
too, we could have avoided all this hassle."

Once there lived a woman who had a maddening
passion for baked beans. She loved them but
unfortunately, they had always had a very
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.
Then one day she met a man and fell in love.

When it became apparent that they would marry
she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and
gentle man, he would never go for this carrying
on." She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up
beans. Some months later her car broke down on
the way home from work. Since she lived in the
country she called her husband and told him that
she would be late because she had to walk home.

On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor
of the baked beans was more than she could stand.
Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that
she would walk off any ill effects by the time she
reached home.

So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew
it, she had consumed three large orders of baked
beans. All the way home she putt-putted, and upon
arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could
control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and
exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for
dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her
to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just
as he was about to remove the blindfold from his
wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not
to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went
to answer the telephone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still
affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost
unbearable, so while her husband was out of the
room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight
to one leg and let it go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer
truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill.
She took her napkin and fanned the air around her
vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and
ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked
cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the
other room, she went on like this for another ten
minutes. When the telephone farewells signaled the
end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more
times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded>
her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband
returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her
if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was
surprised!! There were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!

Tw goats are out behind amovie studio eating old movie film. One goat says to the other, "Pretty good huh?"
The second goat says, "Yeah, but its not as good as the book."

Did you hear about the two television aerials who got married? The wedding was rubbish, but the recption was great!

Woman in crowd at a political rally where Sir Winston Churchill is speaking: "you mongrel Churchill, if you were my husband I'd put rat poison in your tea."
Churchill: "And if you were my wife, Ma'am, I'd drink it!"

I used to feel like a man trapped in a womans body, but then i was born...

This rich guy is talking to a poor guy in a bar and it comes up that both their wives have birthdays in the next week. The rich man says, "I bought my wife a roles royce and a pair of sneakers."
The poor man said, "I get the car, but whay the sneakers?"
"If she doesn't like the car she can damn well walk. " The rich man chuckled to himself. "What did you get your wife.?"
"A new set of pots and pans and a dildo."
"I get the pots and pans, but why the dildo?"
"If she doesn't like the pots and pans she can go "bad word" herself."

Inflation: When the buck doesn't stop anywhere.

Wally goes into an electrical store.
"do you have colour TV's."
"Certainly."
"Great I'll have a green one."

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect women
met.After a perfect courtship, they had a wedding. Their life
together was, of course, perfect.


One snowy, stormy Christmas
Eve, this perfect couple were driving their perfect car (a Audi
Quatro) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the
side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple,they
stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle
of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the Eve of
Christmas. The perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into
their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunatly, the driving conditons deteriorated and the perfect
couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one survived the
accident.

Who was the survivor?







The perfect woman survived.
She's the only one who really existed in the first place.Everyone
knows there is no santa claus and there is no such thing as a
perfect man.


Women stop reading here, that is the end of the
joke.


Men scroll down.



























































So if there is no perfect man and no
Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This
explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you're a
woman and you are reading this, this illustrates another point.





Women never listen.

Joke related to US


For a couple of years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and
too much pressure from my job, but now I've found out the
real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million.

104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the
work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do
the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal
government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million
to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for
state and city governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do
the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals,
leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

A man was walking along a California beach when he stumbled
across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out
popped a genie. The genie said, "OK, so you released me from
the lamp blah blah blah, but this is the fourth time this week and
I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about
three. You only get one wish."

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've
always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm too scared to fly and I
get very seasick. So could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I
can drive over there?"

The genie laughed and replied, "That's impossible. Think of the
logistics. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the
Pacific? Think of how much concrete....how much steel you will
need. No, think of another wish."

The man agreed and tried to think of a really good wish. He
said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives have
always said I don't care and that I'm insensitive. I wish that I
could understand women. To know what they are thinking when
they give me the silent treatment, To know why they are crying,
To know what they want when they say 'nothing'...."

The genie replies, "Do you want that bridge with two lanes or
four?"