Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Saul Dumbrowski's Chinese Laundry."
"Saul Dumbrowski?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"
So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Saul Dumbrowski's Chinese Laundry?"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Saul Dumbrowski?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Saul Dumbrowski.'
Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'
I say, 'Sam Ting.'"

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After the mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, " When i am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, i put a glass of vodka next to the glass of water. If i start to get nervous i take a sip". So the next sunday the new priest took the monsignor's advice. At the begining of the surmon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to take up a storm. When he returned to his office afterwards, he found the following note on the door.

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments not 12.

3. There are 12 deciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the Late JC.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, son and spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say 'he was stoned off his ass'.

10. We do not refer to the Cross as Big T.

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper, he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body". He did not say "Eat me".

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the "Mary with the cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God".

14. Next sunday there will be a taffy - pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter - pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Apologies to hurt sensitivities if any.
_________________

>Condom says to Kotex, "When you work, I lose seven days of business."
>Kotex replies, "If you fail to work once, my business  stops for nine
>months!"
>******************
>A camel and an elephant met, and the elephant asked: "Why do you have your
>tits on your back?"
>The camel responded: "What a silly question from someone who has a d*** on
>his face!"
>******************
>A black guy and a white girl met at a nite club. She took him to her
>apartment and said: "tie me to the bed and do what black men do best!"
>So he ran off with the TV and VCD...
>*****************
>Wife: "I wish I were a newspaper, so you can hold me every morning!"
>Husband: "I wish you're a newspaper TOO, my dear so I can have a NEW ONE
>every morning!"
>*******************
>A Chinese couple got married. When baby was born, her eyes were big and
>blue, hair was curly and blonde, skin was brown. Finally,  name of the
>baby was SAM TING LONG ("some thing wrong")
>*******************
>A lady visited her doctor one morning.
>Doc said: "You look so weak and exhausted! Are you eating your meals 3
>times a day as I advised?
>Lady : "Doc, I thought you said 3 males a day!"
>*******************
>Phone rings and maid picks up the phone as her master is bathing.....
>When the caller asked what's he doing, the maid replied:
>"MASTURBATING."(master bathing)
>*********************************

Another one as usual not found from my email box(since I hate these type of spam)

A revision of a classic here it is....



Girlfriend

Eighteen months ago, I upgraded to GirlFriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years
without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only
solution was to try and run GirlFriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, GirlFriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut
3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many
bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried
to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time,
only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage
to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to
Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus
and Cleanhouse2003.  Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and
costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.
They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary,
Explorer and E-mail Filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products
have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0
needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which
needs to be reinstalled every other week.


Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. These conflict with some of the
new games I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches
itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called
Mother-In-Law, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted
me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling
itself.

Dear Bo$$,

A$ all of u$ have read from the new$paper, the
$ingapore economy ha$ come out of the rece$$ion.
In thi$ life, we all need $omething mo$t
de$perately. I think you $hould $how
under$tanding for the need$ of u$ worker$ who
have given $o much $upport including $weat and
$ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond
$oon.

Your$ $incerely,

Norman $oh.

Dear NOrman,

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays,
NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed
that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as
yet.
NOw the newspapers are saying the world's leading
ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may
go into aNOther recession.  After the NOvember
presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I
mean.

Yours truly,

Manager

An Interesting Debate

An atheist professor of philosophy speaks to his class on the problem
science has with Krishna. He asks one of his new students to stand and.....

Professor: You are a Hare Krishna devotee, aren't you, son?
Student: Yes, sir.
Prof: So you believe in God?
Student: Absolutely, sir.
Prof: Is God good?
Student: Sure.
Prof: Is God all-powerful?
Student: Yes.
Prof: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to Krishna to heal him.
Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But Krishna didn'! t.
How is this Krishna good then? Hmm?

(The student is silent.)

Prof: You can't answer, can you? Let's start again, young fella. Is
God good?
Student: Yes.
Prof: Is Satan good?
Student: No.
Prof: Where does Satan come from?
Student: From...God...
Prof: That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?
Student: Yes.
Prof: Evil is everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything.
Correct?
Student: Yes.
Prof: So who created evil?

(The student does not answer.)

Prof: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these
terrible things exist in the world, don't they?
Student: Yes, sir.
Prof: So, who created them?


(The student has no answer.)
Prof: Tell me, son. Do you believe in Krishna?
Student: Yes, professor, I do.
Prof: Science says you have 5 senses you use to identify and observe
the world around you. Have you ever seen Krishna?
Student : No, sir.
Prof: Tell us if you have ever heard your Krishna?
Student: No, sir.
Prof: Have you ever felt your Krishna, tasted your Krishna, smelt
your Krishna? Have you ever had any sensory perception of Krishna or
God for that matter?
Student: No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.

Prof: Yet you still believe in Him?
Student: Yes.
Prof: According to empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol,
science says your Krishna doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?
Student: Nothing. I only have my faith.
Prof: Yes. Faith. And that is the problem science has.

Student: Professor, is there such a thing as heat?
Prof: Yes.
Student: And is there such a thing as cold?
Prof: Yes.
Student: No sir. There isn't.


(The lecture theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events.)
Student: Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat,
mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don't have
anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no
heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing
as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat.
We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir,
just the absence of it.

(There is pin-drop silence in the lecture theatre.)

Student: What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?
Prof: Yes. What is night if there isn't darkness?
Student: You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of
something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light,
flashing light.....But if you have no light constantly, you have
nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? In reality, darkness isn't.
If it were you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?
Prof: So what ! is the point you are making, young man?
Student: Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.
Prof: Flawed? Can you explain how?
Student: Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue
there is life and then there is death, a good God and a bad God. You
are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure.
Sir, science can't even explain a thought. It uses electricity and
magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one.
To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact
that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the
opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor. Do
you teach tour students that they evolved from a monkey?
Prof: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes,
of course, I do.
Student: Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?

(The Professor shakes his head with a smile, beginning to realize
where the argument is going.)

Student: Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at
work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going
endeavour, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a
scientist but a preacher?

(The class is in uproar.)

Student: Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the
Professor's brain?

(The class breaks out into laughter.)

Student: Is there anyone here who! has ever heard the Professor's
brain, felt it, touched or smelt it?.....No one appears to have done
so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable,
demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, sir. With
all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?

(The room is silent. The professor stares at the student, his face
unfathomable.)

Prof: I guess you'll have to take them on faith, son.
Student : That is it sir.. The link between man & god is FAITH.
That is all that keeps things moving & alive.