Lawyer Jokes

1. Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

2. Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

3. Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

4. Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

5. Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

6. Q. What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A. A Lobotomy.

7. Q. How do you save five drowning lawyers?
A. Who cares?

8. Q. What do you call a block of cement containing ten lawyers?
A. A waste of cement.

9. Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A1: Shoot him before he hits the water.
A2: Take your foot off his head.
A3: No? Good!

10. Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

11. Q: What do you do if you run over a Lawyer?
A1: Back over him to make sure.
A2: Make another notch on the steering wheel.

12. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of s***?
A: The bucket.

13. Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a bus load of lawyers goes off a cliff.

14. Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

15. Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.

16. Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.

17. Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.

18. Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetery.

19. Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

20. Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

21. Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.

22. Q. What`s the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
A. A hooker will stop f***ing you when you're dead.

23. Q. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A. It might be your bicycle.

24. Q. What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A. Their personalities.

25. Q. What's brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A. A doberman.

26. Q. Why are lawyers buried 12 feet underground?
A. Deep down their good.

27. Q. What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A. One's a slimy scum-sucking scavenger, the other is just
a fish.

28. Q. Why are lawyers great in bed?
A. They get so much practice screwing people.

29. Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A. The lawyer charges more.

30. Hear about the lady lawyer that dropped her briefs and became a solicitor?

31. Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

32. "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

33. God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"

34. An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"

35. At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more
plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do.

36. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

37. Ben Dover And
C. Howlett Fields
Attorneys At Law

38. When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.

39. It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

40. A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?". "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

MicroSoft extends their grip to outer space
The future of space travel as I see it.......

Astronaut: "Uh, Huston we have a problem."

Huston: "Roger that what is the nature of the problem? Over"

Astronaut: "Yeah there's some kind of blue screen on all the monitors, over."

Huston: "Yeah what you will want to do is hold your breath for about twenty minutes and initialize a reboot sequence, over."

Astronaut: "You're kidding right? Over."

Huston: ".......yeah you wished...and yeah it is over"

Astronaut: "Uh, Huston we have a problem."

Huston: "Roger that what is the nature of the problem? Over"

Astronaut: "Yeah I got a popup, over."

97 Things you do NOT want your System Administrator to say.
1. Uh-oh.....
2. Shit!!
3. What the hell!?
4. Go get your backup tape. (You do have a backup tape?)
5. That's SOOOOO bizarre.
6. Wow!! Look at this.....
7. Hey!! The suns don't do this.
8. Terminated??!
9. What software license?
10. Well, it's doing something.....
11. Wow....that seemed fast.....
12. I got a better job at Lockheed...
13. Management says...
14. Sorry, the new equipment didn't get budgetted.
15. What do you mean that wasn't a copy?
16. It didn't do that a minute ago...
17. Where's the GUI on this thing?
18. Damn, and I just bought that pop...
19. Where's the DIR command?
20. The drive ate the tape but that's OK, I brought my screwdriver.
21. I cleaned up the root partition and now there's lots of free space.
22. What's this "any" key I'm supposed to press?
23. Do you smell something?
24. What's that grinding sound?
25. I have never seen it do *that* before...
26. I think it should not be doing that...
27. I remember the last time I saw it do that...
28. You might as well all go home early today ...
29. My leave starts tomorrow.
30. Ooops.
31. Hmm, maybe if I do this...
32. "Why is my "rm *.o" taking so long?"
33. Hmmm, curious...
34. Well, my files were backed up.
35. What do you mean you needed that directory?
36. What do you mean /home was on that disk? I umounted it!
37. Do you really need your home directory to do any work?
38. Oracle will be down until 8pm, but you can come back in and finish your work when it comes up tonight.
39. I didn't think anybody would be doing any work at 2am, so I killed your job.
40. Yes, I chowned all the files to belong to pvcs. Is that a problem to you?
41. We're standardizing on AIX.
42. Wonder what this command does?
43. What did you say your (l)user name was...? ;-)
44. You did what to the floppy???
45. Sorry, we deleted that package last week...
46. NO! Not that button!
47. Uh huh......"nu -k $USER".. no problem....sure thing...
48. Sorry, we deleted that package last week...
49. [looks at workstation] "Say, what version of DOS is this running?"
50. Oops! (said in a quiet, almost surprised voice)
51. YEEEHA!!! What a CRASH!!!
52. What do you mean that could take down the whole network?
53. What's this switch for anyways...?
54. Tell me again what that '-r' option to rm does
55. Say, What does "Superblock Error" mean, anyhow?
56. If I knew it wasn't going to work, I would have tested it sooner.
57. Was that your directory?
58. System coming down in 0 min....
59. The backup procedure works fine, but the restore is tricky!
60. Hey Fred, did you save that posting about restoring filesystems with vi and a toothpick? More importantly, did you print it out?
61. OH, SH*T! (as they scrabble at the keyboard for ^c).
62. The sprinkler system isn't supposed to leak is it?
63. It is only a minor upgrade, the system should be back up in a few hours. (This is said on a monday afternoon.)
64. I think we can plug just one more thing in to this outlet strip with out triping the breaker.
65. What is all this I here about static charges destroying computers?
66. I found this rabbit program that is supposed to test system performance and I have it running now.
67. Ummm... Didn't you say you turned it off?
68. The network's down, but we're working on it. Come back after diner. (Usually said at 2200 the night before thesis deadline...)
69. Ooops. Save your work, everyone. FAST!
70. Boy, it's a lot easier when you know what you're doing.
71. I hate it when that happens.
72. And what does it mean 'rm: .o: No such file or directory'?
73. Why did it say '/bin/rm: not found'?
74. Nobody was using that file /vmunix, were they?
75. You can do this patch with the system up...
76. What happens to a Hard Disk when you drop it?
77. The only copy of Norton Utilities was on THAT disk???
78. Well, I've got a backup, but the only copy of the restore program was on THAT disk....
79. What do mean by "fired"?
80. hey, what does mkfs do?
81. where did you say those backup tapes were kept?
82. ...and if we just swap these two disc controllers like this...
83. don't do that, it'll crash the sys........ SHIT
84. what's this hash prompt on my terminal mean?
85. dd if=/dev/null of=/vmunix
86. find /usr2 -name nethack -exec rm -f {};
87. now it's funny you should ask that, because I don't know either
88. Any more trouble from you and your account gets moved to the 750
89. Ooohh, lovely, it runs SVR4
90. SMIT makes it all so much easier......
91. Can you get VMS for this Sparc thingy?
92. I don't care what he says, I'm not having it on my network
93. We don't support that. We won't support that.
94. ...and after I patched the microcode...
95. You've got TECO. What more do you want?
96. We prefer not to change the root password, it's an nice easy one
97. Just add yourself to the password file and make a directory...

Anti UNIX:

* If Unix is the answer, then it must have been a stupid question.
* Unix is the only virus with a command-interface.
* How can an operating system from 1970 (UNIX) be more modern than an operating system from 1978 (VMS)?
* Unix - the first computer virus.
* NFS = Nightmare File System.
* Berkeley is famous for LSD and BSD UNIX. I don't think that is a coincidence.
* Sure, the Unix file system corrupts your files, but look how fast it is!
* Friends don't let friends use Unix.
* Unix - the ideal operating system for CPU's that are never powered up.
* Nothing wrong with Unix that a total redesign and rewrite can not fix.
* UNIX will be preempted by NT. UNIX doesn't know it yet - it won't notice until it's too late, because UNIX is the Yugoslavia of software, at war with itself -- but it's all over.
* The users of Unix systems said speed wasn't an issue when the Alpha chip was released. The same people tell their wives and girlfriends that size doesn't matter.
* If Unix were a beer, then it would be shipped in open casks so that anybody could piss in it before delivery.
* UNIX is user friendly. It's just selective about who its friends are.
* UNIX is akin to a religion to some. If things aren't done like they are in UNIX, then they must be bad. Sorry, I don't believe in this religion.
* UNIX is a four-letter word!
* VI = Virtually Incomprehensible.
* Unix is about as user friendly as a blow in the back from an ice-pick, only not quite as productive.
* What has happend, when a system-manager gets gray-haired in one day ? One day with a UNIX system !
* How do you pronounce UNIX ? You Nix !
* Cretin and UNIX both start with C.
* The scariest thing about Jurassic Park was that the control systems were Unix.
* Why is using a UNIX system like being an Enuch? Everytime you go to do something important, you realize something critical is missing.

Al Cmds

Forgotten Assembly Language Commands


ARG Agree to run garbage
BBT Branch on binary tree
BBW Branch both ways
BEW Branch either way
BH Branch and hang
BMR Branch multiple registers
BOB Branch on bug
BOD Beat on drum
BOI Byte operator immediately
BPDI Be polite, don't interrupt
BPO Branch on power off
BST Backspace and stretch tape
CEMU Close eyes and monkey with user space
CLBR Clobber register
CLBRI Clobber register immediately
CM Circulate memory
CPAR Crumple paper and rip
CRB Crash and burn
CRR Convert to Roman Numerals
CU Convert to unary
CZZC Convert zone to ZIP code
DC Divide and conquer
DWIMNWIS Do what I mean, not what I say
DMPK Destroy memory protect key
DNPG Do not pass go
DO Divide and overflow
EIOC Execute invalid opcode
EMPC Emulate pocket calculator
EPI Execute programmer immediately
EROS Erase read-only storage
EXOP Execute operator
EXPP Execute political prisoner
FSRA Forms skip and run away
GFD Go forth and divide
GFM Go forth and multiply
HCF Halt and catch fire
IBP Insert bug and proceed
IIB Ignore inquiry and branch
LCC Load and clear core
MBF Multiply and be fruitful
MLR Move and lose record
PBC Print and break chain
PD Play dead
PDSK Punch disk
PI Punch invalid
POPI Punch operator immediately
PS* Punch obscenity
PSD Pause and smoke dope
PVLC Punch variable length card
RAT Random Access Tape
RD Reverse directions
RDS Read sideways
RIRG Read inter-record gap
RPM Read programmer's mind
RSC Read and shred card
RSD On read error self destruct
RSTOM Read from store-only memory
RWCR Rewind card reader
SDJ Send data to Japan
SHAB Shift a bit
SHLBM Shift a little bit more
SMR Skip on meaningless result
SOT Sit on a tack
SQSW Scramble program status word
SQPC Sit quietly and play with your crayons
SRSD Seek record and scar disk
SRZ Subtract and reset to zero
SSJ Select stacker and jam
STROM Store in read-only memory
TDB Transfer and drop bits
UER Update and erase record
WBT Water binary tree
WEMG Write eighteen-minute gap
WPM Write programmer's mind
XSP Execute systems programmer
ZAM Zero all memory

The Spy caption for this picture, taken after a celebrity auction, was, "Shaquille O'Neal shows off his new $75 a week houseboy." Pretty funny, but surely you can do better than that! So click here to mail me your caption for this picture of Bill getting carried away, Armani shoes and all. I'll put the funny ones on this page, although I will probably not have time to reply to individual messages. I've gotten some great ones so far:

Hey, Mr. Big! I said I wanted a snaq not a shaq!
(from bolinb@cadvision.com)

Fame and Fortune Have Gone To His Head!
Bill Insists on Being Carried Everywhere.
(from rhoadsc@fast.net [Christine J. Rhoads])

Obviously, this is a picture of Bill Gates's new book - The Road Ahead, Part II...Lost in Cyberspace.
(from schen@cnct.com [Sherman Chen])

Shaq sez: "I'm gonna slam dunk this muthafuc*a..."
(from superdan@krypton.mankato.msus.edu [Dan Bailey])

Shaq's new laptop
(from 103043.1271@compuserve.com)

Bill smiled as the baby sitter said, "If you go to bed now like a good boy, Billy, I'll tell your parents and maybe they will let you play with the computer tomorrow."
(from nightbrd@humboldt1.com [Doug Myers])

The seven-foot-tall baketball center denies reports he married for money.
(from tussing@husc.harvard.edu [Justin Tussing])

"Good, and another million if you give me a piggy back ride to Burger King."
(from fnotaro@castle.net [Frank Notaro])

Take me to your barber, I could use a haircut like yours...
(from ssax@spider.lloyd.com)

A LIGHT SNACK
(from kitkat4888@aol.com)

..and the geeks shall inherit the earth...
(from bmarefat@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu [Babak Marefat])

Shaquin' up with Bill
(from ktribble@coe.uga.edu [Kelly Tribble])

Arnold and Danny DeVito move over...it's "Twins: The Second Batch"!
(from ooch@wam.umd.edu [Ooch])

Evidently, money CAN buy everthing!
(from gwalker@bml.ca [Graham Walker])

After borowing a pair of Armani's from O.J., Shaq puts his shine boy back up on the shelf.
(from Italian300@aol.com [George Mancuso])

"Look Bill, no hands!"
(from mscarne@postoffice.utas.edu.au [Matt])

"He's really got nice hands!" --Bill Gates
(from davnad@cbvcp.com [Nadeen and David Warren])

Shaq says, "Shut up and smile for the camera - you weigh more than an XT and you're twice as slow!"
(from cpage@iinet.net.au [Clint Page])

"He ain't heavy...He's my brutha!"
(from mrfixit@cdsnet.net [Marty])

"Where did you say the shredder was?"
(from ralph@falcon.cc.ukans.edu [Ralph P. Reed])

"That's right. 1/2 the profits from 95, or I drop you again."
(from obremski@fdu.edu [Greg Obremski])

Shaq: Admit that 95 sucks, or I break you like a f***in twig.
Gates: YesSIR!
(from shadwrnr@jax-inter.net [Holden Shearer])

I'll show ya how ta slam dork!
(from TAronson@ci.hemet.ca.us [Tom Aronson])

Uhhh, Ma'am, you dropped this a couple of miles back from the top of your car, is it yours?
(from nap@stic.net)

Hey Mom, look what I found - - - can I keep him . . . ?
(from kellyjp@ibm.net)

"Bill, it's just a publicity shot..GET YOUR HAND OFFA MY BALLS!!"
(from dblake@stellar.bc.ca [Dave Blake])

Bill Gates demonstrates what critics fear will happen if the new Microsoft "Point-and-Click" Constitution is adopted by Congress.
(from bsummers@telepath.com [Bob Summers])

Shaq, If you drop me, you'll find out why I'm left handed.
(from cja1@airmail.net [C.J. Armstrong])

Once over the threshold, it's legal!
(submitted by sharkmaw@eden.com [Laura Shaw] for a friend who wishes to remain anonymous)

Satan says your time's up, you've got to go!
(from sharkmaw@eden.com [Laura Shaw])

Cash & carry
(from lucky@stpb.soft.net)

We've got to quit meeting like this!
(from SynQu@aol.com)

Shaq: "Umm...miss...remember to bring a shovel the next time you walk your dog."
(from gameboy@kfmw.net [Robert Swackhamer])

"Was it really you that said Netscape Navigator users were sissies, Bill?"
(from mcspencer@direclynx.net [Mark Spencer])

"See, I told you I could; he isn't that heavy. Now, you hold him, Steve, while I get the shovel." --Shaq to Steve Jobs
(from shaycrk@mother.com)

Shaq: "I found him on the lawn holding a lantern again!"
(from quincy@ccnn.net [Quincy])

After buying Windows '95 and getting fed up with using the Microsoft helpline, Shaq desperately decides to take tech support into his own hands.
(from toasters@znet.com [mike])

"Gee, I never thought 20 billion dollars would ever feel this light!"
(from icom@cadvision.com [Armando Ruggeri])

[cover of Forbes] SPECIAL ISSUE: The things money can buy but we'd rather not know about
(from pmarker@raider.grcc.cc.mi.us)

"...Which way to the window?"
(from TIER-1@worldnet.att.net [Agent])

"I love him as much as all my other kids, he's just a little different."
(from kchern@vossnet.co.uk)

"I warned you, one way or the other I WILL get Microsoft product support."
(from Michael.Lewin@cern.ch [Mike Lewin])

After a few hands of five card stud, settling with the lawyers, accountants, Bill gets carried home with just the clothes on his back.
(from lost@wwa.com [lost on the net])

"Hey everybody, look what I found in the 'hood! A cute l'il *white* boy! Let's have a cook out!"
(from aitch@ozemail.com.au [Paul Hallett])

DROP HIM SHAQ! Preferably down a 100 mile gorge. I want my Mac back! AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH
(from conniegn@microlink.net [Connie Goodnow])

"If I put a lantern in his hand, do you think the neighbors will be upset if I put him on the front lawn? "
(from CFubar@aol.com)

"But Shaqy, I don't want to take a bath!"
(from 1120vmx1@inet.westshore.cc.mi.us [VmadameX])

Slam This!
(from user2@m.batc.tec.ut.us [User2])

Bill, I'll give you 10 seconds to move your hand, or I WILL slam dunk ya!
(from banks2@discover-net.net [d*** Banks])

"Hey, Shaq,... is that a roll of quarters in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"
(from johnl@omeganet.es [John and MaAngeles Love])

Decoding Windows Errors

This is a secret list of error codes culled from Microsoft's in house manual.

WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger.

WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet.

WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file.

WinErr: 004 Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong.

WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused.

WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Desqview found on drive.

WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware.

WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments.

WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened.

WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full.

WinErr: 00B Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB.

WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More RAM needed. More!

WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside.

WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside.

WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened.

WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers.

WinErr: 011 Window open - Do not look outside.

WinErr: 012 Window closed - Do not look inside.

WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh?

WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.

WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old windows license is not Valid anymore.

WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!

WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry

WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that

WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate

WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code

WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait

WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers

WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Remaining errors will be lost

WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again

WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue

WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Next error will not be displayed or recorded

WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure

WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available