Welcome to version 2

Version 1:
http://forum.lowyat.net/topic/398704

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A bloke goes to the doctor and says. "I got this sex problem doc."
The doctor asked, "Ok, tell me about your average day."
"Well, it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up at 3am for nookie and then again at 5 so we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work."

"Oh I see", says the doc. "No, hang on". said the man." .... you see, when I get on the train to work I meet this girl everyday and we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there".

"Oh... now I see", said the quack. "No you dont" said our hero, "When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom."

"Oh... now I see", said the quack. "No no you dont" he said"
When I go lunch I meet this dinner lady I'm really fond of and we nip out for a quickie."

"Now I understand", says the patient doctor, "No, hang on" said the bloke. "When I get back to office, my boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she says she'll sack me."


"Ahh...", said the doctors, "now I see..." "No, there's more", said the man, "when I get home, my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and sex again afterwards."

"So, whats your problem then?" ask the doc.

"Well....", said our hero, "it hurts when I masturbate"

This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Oct 29 2010, 02:22 PM

why need to masturbate if he is having sex all day ??

he miss the private time with his own hand

yeahhhh V2
lets keep it up with non-repoasta relationship jokes!



Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
'Are you the owner?' The pharmacist answers yes.
Says Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'
Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'
Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? '
Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'
Jacob: 'How about vaigras?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'
Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'
Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'
Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'
Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'
Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'
Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.'

This post has been edited by hizperion: Oct 29 2010, 02:28 PM

bravo for V2

great job aLittleMisFit

My wife told me she's going out and getting pissed tonight. I said, "Way-hay! Blowjob for me tonight then!"

"No, you have to stay in and look after the weekly maids work," she said.

"Exactly." I replied.

woohooo v2!

The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, and bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. "Now do you understand?" he asked. "I think so," she said. "That was when mommy came to work for us?

new thread so i contribute also la

Whoa sudah V2,

thumbs up thumbs up! Keep up the good jokes

Anyway, here's a joke:



This post has been edited by -SNSD-Fan-: Oct 29 2010, 07:23 PM

i know this is not a relationship joke... but post too...

Go onto google maps
Get directions from japan to china
Look at instruction 43..

Now tell me that isnt cool!

Well I tried it and it says on 43: "Continue straight". Well funny in a way cos you can't really go straight across all terrains.

Then I saw 42: "Jet ski across the Pacific Ocean". I think this is funnier lol...

last time it was KAYAK across the pacific ocean man..... hgahaha

i got canoe across pacific ocean last time lol

-------------------------------------

Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands.

This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.

This confirms too, that women are always confused and don't know what they want.

I have two rich sexy lesbian close friends and for my birthday they got me a Rolex.

Its great at telling the time but i don't think they understood what I meant when i said

"I wanted to watch!"

Last time 43 is jet ski across the ocean.
You are supposed to see that on 43, maybe changed number liao

for me:
43. Jet ski across the Pacific Ocean 782 km

and yes it's damn cool

this thread (and the last one) freaking need a 'like' button!!!

why not u guys try getting directions from taiwan to china, and look at instruction 24...that's even awesome LOL

Unusual Funeral

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her
morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long
black hearse about 50 feet behind the
first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance
back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman was so curious that she respectfully
approached the woman walking the dog and said,
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a
bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this.
Whose
funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was
trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

my revenge turn!

REPOSTAAAA!!!!!!!!

wey how come
i search liao
dunt simply accuse

A Gay bloke is sat in the Undertaker's Office crying his Eye's out Hhe has just lost his Partner.

The Undertaker ask's the usual question's,such as preferences on Burial or Cremation.The Grieving fella,through his tears,insists on having his dead boyfriend 'cut into chunks and cooked up into a ring stinging red-hot curry'.

The Undertaker explains to the Bereaved bloke that this would be highly illegal and that Burial or Cremation really are the only services available.

the Puff still insists on the curry. He insist's on this for some time before The Undertaker finally ask's why he would want to eat his dead Partner in a hot and spicy Curry, to which the Gay fella replies....

'I just wanna....feel him dribble out of my arse...just one last time'..

That is just sick!

LOL... I kinda knew that was "cumming".

lol

A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed long way from home for a year.

A few weeks after he got there, he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.

"My love," he wrote, "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here after work. Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?"

So his wife send him back a harmonica saying. "Why dont you play this?"

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!"

She kissed him and said, "First, lets see you play that harmonica."

lolz, smart move!!

REPOSTAAAA!!!!!!!!

haha

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Getting screwed


The old farmer was having a pretty bad year. All of his crops had been lost. Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well.

The only way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the middle man and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed to town.

Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. So he took a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door.

A gorgeous blond in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy voice she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?"

Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really nice peaches for sale". The blond, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. So she opened the top of her robe showing her breasts.

She said, "Are those peaches full and firm like these?"

Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really good peaches."

So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no panties. She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like this?"

The old farmer popped out crying and said, "Oh yes, they're wonderful peaches."

She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?"

The old farmer whimpered "Lady, the cut worms ruined my tomato crop and the weevels ate all my cotton and now I think you're gonna screw me out of my peaches."

I was very drunk last night when I got pulled over by a really good looking female officer with huge breasts. She walked over to my car, and after finding out that I was drunk cuffed me and led me to her car.

She said, "Anything you say can and will be held against you in a court of law."

So I replied with, "Your tits please.

f***er damn horny even drunk
Anything you say can and will be held against you

I got an erection whilst I was on the bus today.

So I casually put my hand in my pocket and pulled my c0ck to the side so nobody would notice, then I got off the bus.

I just stood at the bus stop for about 20 minutes waiting for my c0ck to go soft.

People on the bus must have been thinking, "What the f is this driver up to?"

dont really get this

some kind of gay joke?

narrator = bus driver

During one of the many wars that the French and the British fought and the French were soundly beaten in, the French just happened to capture a British Major.
An officer brought the Major to the French general for interrogation. The French general began ridiculing the Major for wearing "that stupid red tunic." The French general said, "Why do you wear that red uniform, it makes it easy for us to shoot you."
The British major replied, "If I do get wounded, the blood will not show, and my soldiers will not get scared." The French general said, "That is a very good idea,"

The general turned to his orderly and said, "From now on all French officers will wear brown pants."

Lol. Old joke that I read many yrs ago, but still a good one.

Impotence : Natures way of saying
" No Hard Feelings...."

I went on a date with this really hot model yesterday. It wasnt a 'real date' date though, we just had dinner and watched a movie.
Then the plane landed.

The chicken and the egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed.

The egg mutters "Well I guess that answers that riddle".

---

Added on November 11, 2010, 10:30 amOne day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said.

Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first."

Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."

This post has been edited by hizperion: Nov 11 2010, 10:30 AM

I've just been banned off Ebay...

Apparently a piece of string and a house brick doesn't constitute as a penis enlargement kit.

My boss asked me to work through my lunch break today.

I shouted, "You f**king b*st*rd! I come in at 8.30 and don't get thanks for it, work till 7 at night and don't get thanks for it, while lazy bastards like you leave at 2 just to play golf all f***ing afternoon!"

Then I emailed him back and said, "Sure boss, no problem"

The missus was watching a cookery programme the other day.

I said, "What you watching that for? You can't cook."

She said, "You watch porn too."

Contribute abit

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Some of the jokes are not related to relationship joke already. =/

In the broader sense, a merger between two companies is also a relationship. Aiya, anyway who cares? Just sit back and enjoy la

already broke the 'relationship' thing long ago. give it up n enjoy. its cool. cheers to V2!

cannot
relationship jokes only pls

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Added on November 15, 2010, 10:04 am

This post has been edited by hizperion: Nov 15 2010, 10:04 AM

Lol at 2nd pic

This ain't your thread, biyotch

he forgot /sarcasm tag la aiyo

aiyo!

-------------------

80 minutes gone at the emirates and it's still 0-0. Arsene Wenger turns to his assistant Pat Rice and says.

Arsene: should we change it Pat?
Pat: you need to be more offensive.
Arsene: should we change it you fat c**t?

This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Nov 15 2010, 02:45 PM

this IS my thread, stfu


---------------------------

After a trip abroad, a lady inquired of her maid:

"Lucy, do you and your husband quarrel now the same as you used to?"
"No, indeed, ma'am," was the reply.
"That is good. I'm sure you're very glad of it, aren't you?"
"I surely am!"
"What caused you to stop quarreling, Lucy?" the lady asked.

The explanation was simple and sufficient:
"He died."

Oh, so you're really alilmisfit?

Why so f**king serious?

If butthurt GTFO somewhere and remove the filing cabinet!

lol look who's getting serious...

This post has been edited by allinuff: Nov 15 2010, 07:51 PM

guise... joke site... be nice and cheer up


---------------------------------------

A guy walk over to the pub and sees a sign:

TODAYS SPECIAL
Chicken Sandwich: $3.00
Salmon Sandwich: $5.00
Handjob: $10.00

So he walked into the pub packed with a very attractive lady serving some eager looking group of mans.

"You the one providing the handjob?" he asked.
"For you, sure do hon," answered seductively.

"Ok, get my a chicken sandwich lady, and make sure u wash your hand before making it"

I dont know if this have been posted or not..

Extra Office Work
The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary.

He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"

The manager replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge."

A new bride was embarrassed at being known as a honeymooner.

So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way they could make it appear that they have been married a long time.

"Sure," he said. "You carry the suitcases."

Female drivers:

The reason people look both ways when crossing a one way street.

lol @ the jokes ! keep it up

Thanks for all the jokes from v1 until here.
Cheers my day up!

Keep it up guys!

Boy: "What u doing?"
Girl: "Playing CoD"
Boy: "Do you know how to make a sandwich?"
Girl: "Obviously!"
Boy: "Marry me?"

I'll Marry that girl!! no doubt

LOL

LOL... This is too funny

wahahahahaha
the last one was epic

LOL the vid!

A man is very ashamed of his penis because of the size. 
He has an extremely small penis and doesn't want his girlfriend to dump him when she sees the size. 
One night when he and his girlfriend are making out in a dark corner he decides he will show her. 
The man unzips his pants, whips out his small d***, and shoves it into her hand. 
He sits there, waiting to see her reaction. 
His girlfriend says, ‘Thanks for offering, but you know I don't smoke.’

---

Added on November 21, 2010, 3:59 pmTwo guys sneak into a farmer's fruit garden and start eating the fruit. The farmer sees them and comes out with a shotgun. ‘Since you guys like fruit so much go pick 100 of which ever fruit you want,’ said the farmer. 
The first guy decides to pick grapes. When he gets 100 he goes back to the farmer. 
The farmer says,’now shove em' all up your ass.’ 
The guy gets all 100 up his ass. He feels really bad, but then he starts to laugh.
‘Why you laughing?’ asked the farmer. 
To which the man replied, ‘My friend is out picking watermelons!’

---

Added on November 21, 2010, 4:00 pmA 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with a vibrator.
‘What are you doing?’ asked the mother.
‘Mom, I'm 40 years old and look at me. I'm ugly. I'll never get married, so this is pretty much my husband.’ The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head. 
The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room, found his daughter using the vibrator.
‘What the hell are you doing?’ he asked. 
His daughter replied, ‘I already told Mom. I'm 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married, so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband.’ The father walked out of the room shaking his head.
The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other, watching a football game on TV. 
‘What on earth are you doing?’ she cried. 
The husband replied, ‘What does it look like I'm going? I'm having a beer and watching football with my son-in-law!’

---

Added on November 21, 2010, 4:02 pmA blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. ‘I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there.’
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. 
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. ‘Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.’ Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. 
The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. 
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. ‘Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man.’ 
‘I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork.’ The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, ‘That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli.’
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. 
He tells his wife, ‘Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man.’ Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
‘Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.’ 
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, ‘Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?’

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Added on November 21, 2010, 4:06 pmAfter the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician. ‘Doctor,’ he said, ‘I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine.’
‘Nonsense,’ the doctor said. ‘Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.’
‘It isn't possible,’ the man insisted. ‘We're pure Asian.’
‘Well,’ said the doctor, ‘let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?’
The man seemed ashamed. ‘I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month.’
‘There you have it!’ the doctor said confidently. ‘It's just rust.’


This post has been edited by junnie87: Nov 21 2010, 04:06 PM

Haha Juniie87 awesome jokes!

I text this girl who was renting a room in my house "I want to lick you out"

If she likes the text then I go with it, if not I blame predictive text and it was meant to say "I want to kick you out".

+10000

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

this is winner
and i trying it right now

I picked up a fit hitchhiker who told me she was a magician.

"Oh yeah?" I said, "Prove it."

Then she touched my leg and I turned into a hotel

why hotel?

the guy was driving, he picked up a lady, thus the word hitchhiking.
she touched his legs, he drove into the hotel (he turned into a hotel)

turned as in 'pusing'
lol ambiguities

oo yeahhh.. this makes more sense.. heheh

Hopefully this is not a repost, it has been in my keep for a long time. so dont call me slowpoke. juz wanna share


1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us b****ing about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair.
One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair,
and by then you're stuck with her.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair,
out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null
and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry,
we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit,
not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. When you learn what a roller cam is, we'll learn what damask is.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of
how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint,
the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter
what the hell they're saying anyway.)

1. It is not in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight,
but did you know we really don't mind that - it's like camping

I was struggling to give my wife an orgasm during sex. I asked her what she wanted me to do and she said 'just use your imagination'.
I listened to her advice and it was amazing. I imagined that she had an orgasm and then I went to sleep.

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'

The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church for confession.'

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now.'

niceee

REPOSTA!!!!!!!!!

REPOSTAAAAAAAAA but i don't mind cos is good classic joke

Really? Could've sworn that I never read this on LYN before.

read version 1.. its there..

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"

Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams...and he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works.

He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?"

"Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

hahaha i almost said repost!
damn you got me there

A group on Facebook called:

"Dear students, I know when you're texting. Seriously, no one just looks down at their crotch and smiles. Sincerely, teacher."

Well, unless you're a black guy sitting next to a white guy...