Welcome to version 2

Version 1:
http://forum.lowyat.net/topic/398704

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A bloke goes to the doctor and says. "I got this sex problem doc."
The doctor asked, "Ok, tell me about your average day."
"Well, it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up at 3am for nookie and then again at 5 so we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work."

"Oh I see", says the doc. "No, hang on". said the man." .... you see, when I get on the train to work I meet this girl everyday and we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there".

"Oh... now I see", said the quack. "No you dont" said our hero, "When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom."

"Oh... now I see", said the quack. "No no you dont" he said"
When I go lunch I meet this dinner lady I'm really fond of and we nip out for a quickie."

"Now I understand", says the patient doctor, "No, hang on" said the bloke. "When I get back to office, my boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she says she'll sack me."


"Ahh...", said the doctors, "now I see..." "No, there's more", said the man, "when I get home, my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and sex again afterwards."

"So, whats your problem then?" ask the doc.

"Well....", said our hero, "it hurts when I masturbate"

This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Oct 29 2010, 02:22 PM

My wife told me she's going out and getting pissed tonight. I said, "Way-hay! Blowjob for me tonight then!"

"No, you have to stay in and look after the weekly maids work," she said.

"Exactly." I replied.

i know this is not a relationship joke... but post too...

Go onto google maps
Get directions from japan to china
Look at instruction 43..

Now tell me that isnt cool!

I have two rich sexy lesbian close friends and for my birthday they got me a Rolex.

Its great at telling the time but i don't think they understood what I meant when i said

"I wanted to watch!"

my revenge turn!

REPOSTAAAA!!!!!!!!

A Gay bloke is sat in the Undertaker's Office crying his Eye's out Hhe has just lost his Partner.

The Undertaker ask's the usual question's,such as preferences on Burial or Cremation.The Grieving fella,through his tears,insists on having his dead boyfriend 'cut into chunks and cooked up into a ring stinging red-hot curry'.

The Undertaker explains to the Bereaved bloke that this would be highly illegal and that Burial or Cremation really are the only services available.

the Puff still insists on the curry. He insist's on this for some time before The Undertaker finally ask's why he would want to eat his dead Partner in a hot and spicy Curry, to which the Gay fella replies....

'I just wanna....feel him dribble out of my arse...just one last time'..

A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed long way from home for a year.

A few weeks after he got there, he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.

"My love," he wrote, "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here after work. Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?"

So his wife send him back a harmonica saying. "Why dont you play this?"

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!"

She kissed him and said, "First, lets see you play that harmonica."

I was very drunk last night when I got pulled over by a really good looking female officer with huge breasts. She walked over to my car, and after finding out that I was drunk cuffed me and led me to her car.

She said, "Anything you say can and will be held against you in a court of law."

So I replied with, "Your tits please.

I got an erection whilst I was on the bus today.

So I casually put my hand in my pocket and pulled my c0ck to the side so nobody would notice, then I got off the bus.

I just stood at the bus stop for about 20 minutes waiting for my c0ck to go soft.

People on the bus must have been thinking, "What the f is this driver up to?"

During one of the many wars that the French and the British fought and the French were soundly beaten in, the French just happened to capture a British Major.
An officer brought the Major to the French general for interrogation. The French general began ridiculing the Major for wearing "that stupid red tunic." The French general said, "Why do you wear that red uniform, it makes it easy for us to shoot you."
The British major replied, "If I do get wounded, the blood will not show, and my soldiers will not get scared." The French general said, "That is a very good idea,"

The general turned to his orderly and said, "From now on all French officers will wear brown pants."

Impotence : Natures way of saying
" No Hard Feelings...."

I went on a date with this really hot model yesterday. It wasnt a 'real date' date though, we just had dinner and watched a movie.
Then the plane landed.

I've just been banned off Ebay...

Apparently a piece of string and a house brick doesn't constitute as a penis enlargement kit.

My boss asked me to work through my lunch break today.

I shouted, "You f**king b*st*rd! I come in at 8.30 and don't get thanks for it, work till 7 at night and don't get thanks for it, while lazy bastards like you leave at 2 just to play golf all f***ing afternoon!"

Then I emailed him back and said, "Sure boss, no problem"

The missus was watching a cookery programme the other day.

I said, "What you watching that for? You can't cook."

She said, "You watch porn too."

aiyo!

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80 minutes gone at the emirates and it's still 0-0. Arsene Wenger turns to his assistant Pat Rice and says.

Arsene: should we change it Pat?
Pat: you need to be more offensive.
Arsene: should we change it you fat c**t?

This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Nov 15 2010, 02:45 PM

guise... joke site... be nice and cheer up


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A guy walk over to the pub and sees a sign:

TODAYS SPECIAL
Chicken Sandwich: $3.00
Salmon Sandwich: $5.00
Handjob: $10.00

So he walked into the pub packed with a very attractive lady serving some eager looking group of mans.

"You the one providing the handjob?" he asked.
"For you, sure do hon," answered seductively.

"Ok, get my a chicken sandwich lady, and make sure u wash your hand before making it"

Female drivers:

The reason people look both ways when crossing a one way street.

Boy: "What u doing?"
Girl: "Playing CoD"
Boy: "Do you know how to make a sandwich?"
Girl: "Obviously!"
Boy: "Marry me?"

I text this girl who was renting a room in my house "I want to lick you out"

If she likes the text then I go with it, if not I blame predictive text and it was meant to say "I want to kick you out".