I'm about to download the Imogen Thomas sex tape. It might take a while though...

It's 11 Gigs.

A sailor comes back to his home port after a long sea voyage and heads straight for the nearest brothel.

"I need a woman to suck my d*ck," he tells the madame.

"Sure," says the madame and signals to a gorgeous brunette.

The sailor goes into a room with the whore, drops his trousers and she starts sucking away. After five or ten minutes:

"It's not getting hard, you know," says the whore.

"It's not supposed to get hard," says the sailor, "just clean."

Did you realise that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes"

and a man's "I'll be home in five minutes" are exactly the same?

A policeman pulled a man over and as he approached the window he immediately drew his gun and screamed "Where's the little girl!"

The man said, "What little girl?!"

The officer aimed his gun and yelled again, "SHOW ME THE LITTLE GIRL!"

The man now in tears, said, "I SWEAR I DON'T KNOW!"

The officer smiled and said, "...There's the little girl."

i cant brain tis

A load of birthday cards arrived at my door today.

"Stupid bums," I said to the wife, laughing, "my birthday's not for another month."

For some reason she got really pissed off and stormed upstairs crying.

I don't know what's more shocking: the attempt to fix 380 football matches,

or that Liverpool could only score 1 goal against a team whose keeper was paid to concede 3

i x paham yaya toure bday joke D:

Me and the wife were looking through the Karma Sutra when I suggested, "We could try some if you like."

"Your cocks too small to do these," she sniped.

"We could do the bowling ball," I suggested.

"What's that?" She asked.

I said, "Bend over and touch your toes."

...which she did, rather excitedly. I then proceeded to insert my index finger into her juicy wet pussy. I then expertly slipped a tactical thumb into her inviting arsehole...

And then I bowled the fat cunt down the stairs.