Me: Can I have a shag?
Girl: No!
Me: Wait! I don't think you heard me correctly...
Girl: Oh, I think I did...
Me: Fine then, what did I say?
Girl: "Can I have a shag?"

And that, Your Honour, is why it wasn't rape.

Harry Redknapp is sitting in a pub drowning his sorrows when in walks a glum Arsene Wenger.

"Et tu Brute?" says Harry.

"Don't you f*cking start, I'm fed up hearing the f***ing score," replied Wenger

The boss called me into his office. "There's been a complaint made about you. This is serious Mike, so I don't want to hear any of your 'clever' smartarse remarks, understand?"
"Of course.. What am I supposed to have done?" I asked.

"Young Rachel has complained that you're rude to her, and just give her boring menial tasks to do because she's the only female on the team. What have you got to say?"
"So.... Let me get this straight.."

"Mike.." he warned.
"...... I'm being accused of Rachel discrimination then?"

Don't you hate it when you're typing something and you're thinking about something else so then you subconsciously type what you were tits.

The Queen has called St Mary's Hospital several times today looking for an update on the royal baby.

So far, four nurses have committed suicide.