I learn a new way to suggest dieting lulz

finished reading since v1 page by page love the jokes

I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun,

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"F*ck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

Only three things are certain in life. Death, taxes and England losing penalty shootouts.

England lose on penalties. For more on our culture and traditions go to visitengland.com

There is a lesson to be learnt here. Don't let England players with girls names take penalties.

John Terry should console both Ashley's after that penalty shootout... After all, he's good with his team-mate's misses.

Taking penalty kick to be taught as part of school curriculum. The law will be pass in England Parliament next week.

My wife gave me a blow job this morning, and it was the first time she'd done it in ages.

I was so surprised and confused that I ended up paying her after it.

Just as planned? LOL

Apparently David Beckham is devastated to be left out of the Olympics.

It's not all bad news for the Beckham family though, as Victoria is being tipped to be used in the Javelin event

I came home from work and my wife was sat in the chair naked looking all seductive with a rose between her teeth.

I said, "I take it you've burnt my dinner again?"

why do i did this last night?

New Manchester United signing Shinji Kagawa has arrived at Old Trafford with his girlfriend, who is an Asian Pornstar.

"It can be difficult moving to a new country, but I will do all I can to welcome them and I will treat Shinji like a brother", said Ryan Giggs.

Last month I was on holiday with my wife in Vegas.

On our last night we were having cocktails in the hotel bar when I realised that a rather dapper businessman kept looking over and staring at my wife. At first I didn't think anything of it, but when she excused herself to go to the toilet, he stood up and walked over to me.

"Excuse me for being so rude, but I couldn't help but look at your wife", he said, exuding confidence. "Tell me, are you aware of the film, Indecent Proposal?"

"Well y-y-yes", I stammered, trying to mask the excitement in my voice, "Why, are you about to make some kind of offer for one night with my wife?"

"No way!" He laughed. "I just wanted to tell you how much she looks like Robert Redford."

This morning, my wife walked in on me shagging our neighbour.
"You *******! How could you do such a thing?", she screamed.
"You f*cking hypocrite," I replied, "you were getting you tits sucked by some guy just last night!"
She wailed, "I was breastfeeding our son!"

This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Jul 11 2012, 02:34 PM

I'm going to take a photo of everybody in my phone book, with their face squashed against a window, and assign it to their contact.

So when they call, it'll look like they're trapped inside my phone.

I knew this girl last night, when we got home she said:

"I'm a bit shy...I don't want to strip totally, you can see a half of me naked. Choose."

"No worries" I said, "the front."

My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today and I couldn't help but admire it.

"Nice car," I said as he got out.

"Well," he said, noticing my admiring looks, "Work hard, put the hours in, and I'll have an even better one next year."

@ the reality

Girl's status "A guy came up to me & told me he will give me a blackberry if I sleep with him. How ridiculous!"
- 2 hours ago via BlackBerry

An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one day, he stood behind her
while she was sitting in her chair.

He spoke softly
to her, "Honey, can you hear me?"

There was no response. He moved a little closer and said again,
"Honey, can you hear me?"

Still, there was no response. Finally, he moved right behind her and said,
"Honey, can you hear me?"


Finally, she replied, "for the third time, yes!"

Wrong use of the work "f***"

Rocky has broken his leg and his buddy bob comes over to see him.

Bob : How are you doing?

Rocky : Fine. Hey, do me a favor. Go upstairs and get me my shoes. My feet are freezing!

Bob go upstairs and sees Rocky's hot twin sisters lying on the bed.

Bob: Your brother sent me up to have sex with you two.

Twins: PROVE IT!

Bob(shouting): Hey Rocky, both of them?

Rocky(shouting back): Of course, whats the point of f***ing one?

A mosquito landed on my balls...

Hardest decision of my life.