I have finally figured out why the Mrs is so fat. The shampoo she uses in the shower, that runs down her body clearly says, "for extra volume and body."

I'm going to recommend she uses dishwashing soap instead, it says, "dissolves oil that is otherwise difficult to remove."

I always hated weddings because old people come over and poke me saying "You're next".

They stopped when I started doing it to them at funerals.

My girlfriend and I went out to a restaurant last night, and some of the other diners started calling me a 'paedo' and a 'cradle snatcher.' All because I'm a 52 year old man with a 21 year old girlfriend.

It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary meal.

The speed in which a woman says "Nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the coming storm.

Just been on bigbustycoons.com

Damn, those guys have really good bus companies.

"You won't like me when I'm angry.

Because I always back up my rage with facts and documented sources."

- The Credible Hulk.

I'm going to purchase a dictionary, as after watching Final Destination 5,

I clearly don't understand the meaning of Final.

Maybe a repost. Sorry if it is:

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn.She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' she said. 'I had to finish the job with the chair.'