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 Argument on Ping Kam, Chinese Wedding Custom/Tradition

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TSNaiveLady
post Feb 18 2010, 07:20 PM, updated 16y ago

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I am getting married soon after 8 years of dating. However, parents from both family can't agree on certain things.

My parents & relatives informed the "ping kam" should be abt RM6K and requested for a piggy. They informed that that is the rate in KL. My parents told me because we're not rich, thus the money (instead of forking out our own money) served as financial aid to help them purchase essential items required for the wedding celebrations such as gold. It also will show what is my value & whether my future husband family is stingy or not. Actually, what are the things that bride's family have to buy for wedding?


However, my future in-law said my parents request is too high and they prefer to pay RM888/RM1888/RM2888 (Just a sign of good luck (hou yi tou). Reasons given is they are not buying a daughter-in-law & they want everything to be simple. They thought we want “face” and reputation is the reason behind it. They prefer give money to us (after wedding i guess) rather than wasting it to buy those wedding things. They are not rich but not poor either. My future husband is on his family side and persuading me to accept his parents proposal.

I am torn in between and we quarrel about this. Should I:
- Persuade parents to accept lesser "ping kam"?
- Persuade future husband to give RM6K ?

BTW, what are the average rate of "ping kam" given nowadays? I know some of my friends were lucky because their wife's parents didn't request for ping kam.

This post has been edited by NaiveLady: Feb 18 2010, 07:49 PM
samurai1337
post Feb 18 2010, 08:00 PM

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I understand your situation (although I'm a guy). I am lucky that this didn't happen to me when I was getting married (instead, my mother-in-law only took small part of the given ping kam as hou yi tou)

Maybe I'm biased, and I'm on your hubby family side.. or rather I don't really like Chinese tradition and the social norm - they REALLY like to compare (everything, from the location, amount of ping kam, wedding photographer yada yada). I think that couples should just spend what they can afford rather than overspending just to prove that the husband is not stingy.

Parents sometimes have to understand that they demand a lot of money from their future son-in-law, but end up both daughter and son-in-law suffering

Anyway... I suggest the following:

- Try talking to your parents (yes, unluckily it IS your responsibility since they are your parents), explaining that both of you have already spent a lot and why at this moment it isn't feasible to give 6k. Do not say provoking statements like "It's not selling daughter" though

- Try to propose something that you and your hubby can afford. Maybe something like 2888 or 3888

- To be frank, 6k isn't that much. But as you're both short of cash, maybe ask your parents if your hubby can pay that 6k some time later instead of now. Otherwise, go for Personal Loan

I hope it helps, and I wish you all the best

This post has been edited by samurai1337: Feb 18 2010, 08:02 PM
nichole2400
post Feb 18 2010, 09:52 PM

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Personal loan for wedding? good luck then.
TSNaiveLady
post Feb 18 2010, 09:53 PM

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QUOTE(samurai1337 @ Feb 18 2010, 08:00 PM)
I understand your situation (although I'm a guy). I am lucky that this didn't happen to me when I was getting married (instead, my mother-in-law only took small part of the given ping kam as hou yi tou)

Maybe I'm biased, and I'm on your hubby family side.. or rather I don't really like Chinese tradition and the social norm - they REALLY like to compare (everything, from the location, amount of ping kam, wedding photographer yada yada). I think that couples should just spend what they can afford rather than overspending just to prove that the husband is not stingy.

Parents sometimes have to understand that they demand a lot of money from their future son-in-law, but end up both daughter and son-in-law suffering

Anyway... I suggest the following:

- Try talking to your parents (yes, unluckily it IS your responsibility since they are your parents), explaining that both of you have already spent a lot and why at this moment it isn't feasible to give 6k. Do not say provoking statements like "It's not selling daughter" though

- Try to propose something that you and your hubby can afford. Maybe something like 2888 or 3888

- To be frank, 6k isn't that much. But as you're both short of cash, maybe ask your parents if your hubby can pay that 6k some time later instead of now. Otherwise, go for Personal Loan

I hope it helps, and I wish you all the best
*
Glad to have a comment from guy side. Your advice is very useful. Thank you for reminding me not to provoke "selling daughter" to my parents. tongue.gif

I don't think will go for personal loan lor.

Any comments/ advice from the girls?

This post has been edited by NaiveLady: Feb 18 2010, 09:54 PM
samantha88
post Feb 18 2010, 11:52 PM

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heard from friend, one of our ex-schoolmate faced the same situation as TS. In the end, she fork out the Ping Kam from her own account.

To me, it's not the money that matters, since 6K is not really that much. Is whether your future "family" is willing to take you as one of them and give out unconditionally.
When they can be so calculative over Ping Kam, you already know what's waiting ahead for you.

Sometimes, the amount of Ping Kam the girl's parents ask for is not because they see their daughther as an "investment transfer". They are actually testing the guys & also his family, testing the way they will treat their daughter.
More often or not, the girl's parent will only take part of the Ping Kam ( like 888, 2888) & the remaining they wil give back to the daughther, so that she got some money in hand if anything happpens in the future
moorish
post Feb 19 2010, 09:07 AM

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QUOTE(NaiveLady @ Feb 18 2010, 07:20 PM)
I am getting married soon after 8 years of dating. However, parents from both family can't agree on certain things.

My parents & relatives informed the "ping kam" should be abt RM6K and requested for a piggy. They informed that that is the rate in KL. My parents told me because we're not rich, thus the money (instead of forking out our own money) served as financial aid to help them purchase essential items required for the wedding celebrations such as gold. It also will show what is my value & whether my future husband family is stingy or not. Actually, what are the things that bride's family have to buy for wedding?
However, my future in-law said my parents request is too high and they prefer to pay RM888/RM1888/RM2888 (Just a sign of good luck (hou yi tou). Reasons given is they are not buying a daughter-in-law & they want everything to be simple. They thought we want “face” and reputation is the reason behind it. They prefer give money to us (after wedding i guess) rather than wasting it to buy those wedding things. They are not rich but not poor either. My future husband is on his family side and persuading me to accept his parents proposal.

I am torn in between and we quarrel about this. Should I:
- Persuade parents to accept lesser "ping kam"?
- Persuade future husband to give RM6K ?

BTW, what are the average rate of "ping kam" given nowadays? I know some of my friends were lucky because their wife's parents didn't request for ping kam.
*
avg ping kam is somewhere plus minus 5k, besides the money will all be use back on the wedding, 80% will be use for gold which in the end will be yours.

QUOTE(samantha88 @ Feb 18 2010, 11:52 PM)
heard from friend, one of our ex-schoolmate faced the same situation as TS. In the end, she fork out the Ping Kam from her own account.

To me, it's not the money that matters, since 6K is not really that much. Is whether your future "family" is willing to take you as one of them and give out unconditionally.
When they can be so calculative over Ping Kam, you already know what's waiting ahead for you.

Sometimes, the amount of Ping Kam the girl's parents ask for is not because they see their daughther as an "investment transfer". They are actually testing the guys & also his family, testing the way they will treat their daughter.
More often or not, the girl's parent will only take part of the Ping Kam ( like 888, 2888) & the remaining they wil give back to the daughther, so that she got some money in hand if anything happpens in the future
*
I agree, ping kam is not like selling the daughter, its to test how generous the future husband. And 6k is not really a lot for ping kam, a very fair price and if this is not agreed by the in laws then I think something wrong with the in laws.
ivanlmh
post Feb 19 2010, 09:35 AM

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Gal, RM6k is NOT a big amount. I am in the age where many of my friends got married..and trust me..its much higher than RM6k.

For me, 888, 1888, 2888 or whatever is just crap. I have a friend working as a salesperson..earning 2-3k a month, and he can give RM8888 to his inlaws! It's all about saving for this day..don't your husband to be has any kind of savings? As your parents said, this means sincerity of your future husband. If I am you, go figure with your husband to get the extra 4k..or he will get a hard time from your parents. Just my 2 cents thou
Minuszero
post Feb 19 2010, 09:40 AM

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Gal, not to worry so much, to me I will advice that both of you settle the matter yourself. You see, if you try to convince either party to do certain things they disagree, althought they finally agreed, there is still this little thing in them to dislike you.

So to me, 6k is a very reasonable price that are offered. You will know your parents yourself way better than anybody here, so think back and see, will your parent take the money and spend it on themself ??? To me, my parent ask for 12k, my hubby give 8k and I give 4k, withs lots argument too. But i believe my parents. So when the money arrived that day, to my surprise, my dad had already prepared a 20k unit trust bond on my name to me. Parents will always love you, have trust in them.

Settle it within both of you, make both party happy and you two will be happy too. You can't read minds, therefore you wont know whats others is thinking.
Do your part and make everyone around you happy.

Wedding is a part of life we have to go thru, both of you will have to choose the path and walk together, a happy path or an argument path. Its always your choice.




moody5
post Feb 19 2010, 09:54 AM

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QUOTE(NaiveLady @ Feb 18 2010, 07:20 PM)

My parents & relatives informed the "ping kam" should be abt RM6K and requested for a piggy. They informed that that is the rate in KL. My parents told me because we're not rich, thus the money (instead of forking out our own money) served as financial aid to help them purchase essential items required for the wedding celebrations such as gold.

However, my future in-law said my parents request is too high and they prefer to pay RM888/RM1888/RM2888 (Just a sign of good luck (hou yi tou). Reasons given is they are not buying a daughter-in-law & they want everything to be simple. They thought we want “face” and reputation is the reason behind it. They prefer give money to us (after wedding i guess) rather than wasting it to buy those wedding things. They are not rich but not poor either.

*
It was 4-5 years back when my cousin married his wife, he gave RM10k

then my cousin sister got married to her husband on 2 years back and her husband also gave Rm10k

then my friend is getting married next month, her husband also give Rm10k

In KL, I have never heard of people giving 888, 1888, 2888. Lowest that i heard was Rm8k.

I think the Rm6k is just enough to cover and serve as financial aid to help them purchase essential items required for the wedding celebrations such as gold. If you are going to have wedding dinner on your own side, 100% not enough!

My vote = Persuade future husband to give RM6K !
Check his ability to give that RM6k, if he can afford why not?

They prefer give money to us (after wedding i guess) ?? You Only Guessing! They won't give it to you! They will give it to your husband!! And in their mindset (i guess), your money belongs to your husband and your husband money belongs to your husband/parents.

Thinking further, after marriage, You are Bound to fork out money to support the family when things go wrong. Are you confidence to do so? If no, just persuade your husband to get the RM6k, save the balance for the rainy days!
gck
post Feb 19 2010, 11:20 AM

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6k isn't a lot and ping kam is not something that ppl argue about.,
if ping kam also argue...susah lor
subrok007
post Feb 19 2010, 12:52 PM

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money or happiness...

u choose either.... i saw some of them after marriage still divorce.... even wedding ceremony so expensive... but end up divorce... useless at all wasting time..

better think that is it your husband is really reliable, stable etc.. n yours cant measure by money.. meaning RM8888, RM10000... aren't u only worth RM8888???

marry is just 2 person.. see if your husband spend RM8888 only for ping kam then wat bout other expenses?? like restaurant, take photo, etc...

if your husband rich enuff then u r lucky..
shinigamidesu
post Feb 19 2010, 03:59 PM

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The market value would be about RM 8k these day. This is however not a strict rule. Both of you need to sit down and discuss on what amount is confortable for both side.

The wedding cost is beyond pingkam. You will need to consider the renovation, photoshoot, dinner and all those ritual things. Be prepared to spend about RM 30k-35k.
ivanlmh
post Feb 19 2010, 04:06 PM

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As i said, if the TS and his husband-to-be has prepared and planned for this day, they won't have this problem.

Getting marry is just not a "I do". Nowadays, you need to save money for weddings, as above..at least around RM30k for a decent wedding
barista
post Feb 19 2010, 04:12 PM

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When it comes to money, there is sure to be arguments especially when the person is not ready.

I don't know what is love anymore if it is not getting prepared to marry each other at the end of the day.

Wait? For how long?
Drian
post Feb 19 2010, 04:14 PM

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QUOTE(samurai1337 @ Feb 18 2010, 08:00 PM)
I understand your situation (although I'm a guy). I am lucky that this didn't happen to me when I was getting married (instead, my mother-in-law only took small part of the given ping kam as hou yi tou)

Maybe I'm biased, and I'm on your hubby family side.. or rather I don't really like Chinese tradition and the social norm - they REALLY like to compare (everything, from the location, amount of ping kam, wedding photographer yada yada). I think that couples should just spend what they can afford rather than overspending just to prove that the husband is not stingy.

Parents sometimes have to understand that they demand a lot of money from their future son-in-law, but end up both daughter and son-in-law suffering

Anyway... I suggest the following:

- Try talking to your parents (yes, unluckily it IS your responsibility since they are your parents), explaining that both of you have already spent a lot and why at this moment it isn't feasible to give 6k. Do not say provoking statements like "It's not selling daughter" though

- Try to propose something that you and your hubby can afford. Maybe something like 2888 or 3888

- To be frank, 6k isn't that much. But as you're both short of cash, maybe ask your parents if your hubby can pay that 6k some time later instead of now. Otherwise, go for Personal Loan

I hope it helps, and I wish you all the best
*
Personal loan to pay for ping kam? You got to be kidding me.

vandoren
post Feb 19 2010, 05:07 PM

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QUOTE(barista @ Feb 19 2010, 04:12 PM)
When it comes to money, there is sure to be arguments especially when the person is not ready.

I don't know what is love anymore if it is not getting prepared to marry each other at the end of the day.

Wait? For how long?
*
i'm totally agree with you.
my bf's monthly salary 70% goes to supporting his family as well as save as his parent's health emergency fund as his parents have 0 insurance.

since both of us are late 20s, i've asked him several time any planning to our future. he keep on saying no money and have to support his family.
ask me to wait.. wait till when? wait till i'm 30++ ? till old? i feel that it's kinda unfair to me..
barista
post Feb 19 2010, 05:12 PM

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QUOTE(vandoren @ Feb 19 2010, 05:07 PM)
i'm totally agree with you.
my bf's monthly salary 70% goes to supporting his family as well as save as his parent's health emergency fund as his parents have 0 insurance.

since both of us are late 20s, i've asked him several time any planning to our future. he keep on saying no money and have to support his family.
ask me to wait.. wait till when? wait till i'm 30++ ? till old? i feel that it's kinda unfair to me..
*
Yes. It is unfair.

Sometimes I wonder if he really loves the gf?
He seems to consider his family more important.
Other people in his family can be happily married and he lets his gf suffer.

A girl is only young once and she cannot spend her time waiting for someone who treats her unfairly.

This post has been edited by barista: Feb 19 2010, 05:14 PM
samurai1337
post Feb 19 2010, 05:29 PM

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QUOTE(Drian @ Feb 19 2010, 04:14 PM)
Personal loan to pay for ping kam? You got to be kidding me.
*
It's not recommended but nevertheless an option

As much as it sounds pathetic, one of my friends actually did that... The reason being? His spending was too high at that time because new house renovation and wedding come together, his saving and salary couldn't really support that, his gf did not have much income and he had to bear all the cost, yet his gf really wanted to get married ASAP. Anyway, he knew he could clear the loan in next few months once everything is settled down and he managed to.

On a side note, it's just how amazing why people managed to get married and have 5 kids so easily in the 70s-80s but it becomes such a luxury now - cost of living becomes much higher, girls become more demanding, cost of raising a kid grows sharply, but yet economy is not growing fast enough to cater for that. Girls sometimes have to be more understanding on the guy situation - they are afraid of commitment for some reasons.
vandoren
post Feb 19 2010, 05:32 PM

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sometimes i think that some gal like me is kinda stupid, give up a higher pay OL job in KL; go back ipoh, working in a factory. this is the return that i get from him.. it's really disappointed.
moody5
post Feb 19 2010, 05:37 PM

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QUOTE(vandoren @ Feb 19 2010, 05:32 PM)
sometimes i think that some gal like me is kinda stupid, give up a higher pay OL job in KL; go back ipoh, working in a factory. this is the return that i get from him.. it's really disappointed.
*
and it will become even more disappointed after marriage, you will be asked to support his family too
barista
post Feb 19 2010, 05:38 PM

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QUOTE(vandoren @ Feb 19 2010, 05:32 PM)
sometimes i think that some gal like me is kinda stupid, give up a higher pay OL job in KL; go back ipoh, working in a factory. this is the return that i get from him.. it's really disappointed.
*
Money aside, how much care the person gives?

I didn't have valentine's celebration or gift. He wished me only after I wished him.

Other days he does not ask about me or talk to me during the day. Most of the time I am alone. He forgets about the things I've said and he does not remember most of the things he said he will do.

No you are not stupid. You are like me. We love the person whole-heartedly and choose to support him.
But not everybody is appreciative and it hurts.

This post has been edited by barista: Feb 19 2010, 05:44 PM
leongal
post Feb 19 2010, 05:54 PM

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sorry, not going to give a very good advice. If I am in your situation, I will just get married and ignore my/ his parents request.....
abubin
post Feb 19 2010, 06:01 PM

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who is getting married here? you or the parents? Why does parents have to pay for the stuffs? Don't have enough money then go for travel marriage.

Don't ask parents to pay for this and that. Save up your own money.

You are grown up to get married now. Make up your own decisions.
Auroraa
post Feb 19 2010, 08:04 PM

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6k . well your lucky. my mum wants 50k(no joke). my family is'nt poor but i think maybe my mum just wana know if the guy is worth it.
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post Feb 20 2010, 11:50 AM

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nice thread, TS. it reminds me that a girl always needs to have funds for herself as well.

anyway, fighting over rm6k will just be the beginning of more fights over money. pls be careful. smile.gif
moorish
post Feb 20 2010, 02:27 PM

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QUOTE(leongal @ Feb 19 2010, 05:54 PM)
sorry, not going to give a very good advice. If I am in your situation, I will just get married and ignore my/ his parents request.....
*
wah if do that then yo ucan see very hard days coming ahead, better not la, once in a life time thing dun make it ugly.
lazarus7247
post Feb 20 2010, 02:38 PM

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I feel 6k is fair and 2888,1888 is a little stingy. Do persuade your future husband.

Sorry a little off topic : Im thinking of marriage is a few years time. How much should i save up to have a decent marriage ? Does anyone know a rough estimate ?

This post has been edited by lazarus7247: Feb 20 2010, 02:39 PM
schdmitz
post Feb 20 2010, 02:48 PM

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If ur bf love u then he should save up some $$ to marry u....
frankiejay
post Feb 20 2010, 03:08 PM

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Your future husband should be the one willingly to step up and pay the amount requested. Since you two are already getting married, he must have enough savings and well prepared for such situation. Since your parents requested rm 6,000 and his parents wanted sign of hou yi tou, such as 888 at the end. 5,888 would be great, since it has 888 and nearest to 6,000. Your future husband should talk to their parents, tell them its once in a lifetime.

A big no-no to personal loan just to get married, I'd not get married before i've enough savings(comfortably to get married and some extra).

This post has been edited by frankiejay: Feb 20 2010, 03:09 PM
alanyuppie
post Feb 20 2010, 03:43 PM

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QUOTE(NaiveLady @ Feb 18 2010, 08:20 PM)

However, my future in-law said my parents request is too high and they prefer to pay RM888/RM1888/RM2888 (Just a sign of good luck (hou yi tou). Reasons given is they are not buying a daughter-in-law & they want everything to be simple.
*
LOL. They just want to save $$$. They want to "buy" yet stingy, but to save face, your in laws of coz won't explicitly say and admit so. if you requested 6k, which is an entry level sum for KL, they can at least offered $5888 rather than "slashing" the value to less than half of that.


8 years is pretty long time for dating. As how others have said... your bf have a long time to save $$ for wedding. Please be insistence on your stand coz "
buy or not", eventually you'll be leaving your cozy family house, and your future offspring will take his surname. 6k is a small price to pay.





lynda2000my
post Feb 20 2010, 04:03 PM

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6k is slightly below market rate...Almost 60% of my friends are getting married these 2 years and the rate is about 8k - 12k. I am quite lucky because my hubby suggested to give 10K due to both his brother in laws gave 10K to his parents 6-7 years ago when his sisters got married. Hence, my hubby & in law knew the market rate.
Besides refunds part of the money (woei lai) to my hubby, my parents used the money to buy gold/diamond to me & my husband which cost around 8k and this was actually 2 years ago. Gold/diamond price now are much more expensive than 2 years ago. Therefore, your parents are very reasonable & understanding already.
leongal
post Feb 20 2010, 04:22 PM

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QUOTE(moorish @ Feb 20 2010, 02:27 PM)
wah if do that then yo ucan see very hard days coming ahead, better not la, once in a life time thing dun make it ugly.
*
tongue.gif the whole tradition thing is so crappy

btw, if you n ur bf have no choice, ur bf has to pay lor....

n yes, i dun agree with taking personal loan....bad idea, which banks have exploited
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post Feb 20 2010, 05:36 PM

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QUOTE(lazarus7247 @ Feb 20 2010, 02:38 PM)
I feel 6k is fair and 2888,1888 is a little stingy. Do persuade your future husband.

Sorry a little off topic : Im thinking of marriage is a few years time. How much should i save up to have a decent marriage ? Does anyone know a rough estimate ?
*
For a very simple chinese wedding RM20k
Photo: 2k
Peng kum: 5k
Dinner: 10k
misc : 3k

Average wedding RM40k

But bear in mind you can get back a lot on the reception, so its just the turn over a bit big, no need scare.

QUOTE(frankiejay @ Feb 20 2010, 03:08 PM)
Your future husband should be the one willingly to step up and pay the amount requested. Since you two are already getting married, he must have enough savings and well prepared for such situation. Since your parents requested rm 6,000 and his parents wanted sign of hou yi tou, such as 888 at the end. 5,888 would be great, since it has 888 and nearest to 6,000. Your future husband should talk to their parents, tell them its once in a lifetime.

A big no-no to personal loan just to get married, I'd not get married before i've enough savings(comfortably to get married and some extra).
*
wei 5,888 suay number la rclxms.gif


QUOTE(leongal @ Feb 20 2010, 04:22 PM)
tongue.gif the whole tradition thing is so crappy

btw, if you n ur bf have no choice, ur bf has to pay lor....

n yes, i dun agree with taking personal loan....bad idea, which banks have exploited
*
I feel we need to preserve the tradition la, it tells who we are.
TSNaiveLady
post Feb 20 2010, 07:39 PM

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Thanks for all the advice/comment.
My future husband don't have much saving now due to the economic downturn 2 years ago.

This post has been edited by NaiveLady: Feb 20 2010, 07:40 PM
leongal
post Feb 20 2010, 11:04 PM

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QUOTE(NaiveLady @ Feb 20 2010, 07:39 PM)
Thanks for all the advice/comment.
My future husband don't have much saving now due to the economic downturn 2 years ago.
*
have you spoken to your parents and has he spoken to his parents? each one take a step back lor...
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post Feb 20 2010, 11:43 PM

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QUOTE(vandoren @ Feb 19 2010, 05:07 PM)
i'm totally agree with you.
my bf's monthly salary 70% goes to supporting his family as well as save as his parent's health emergency fund as his parents have 0 insurance.

since both of us are late 20s, i've asked him several time any planning to our future. he keep on saying no money and have to support his family.
ask me to wait.. wait till when? wait till i'm 30++ ? till old? i feel that it's kinda unfair to me..
*
poor you, have to endure such situation. if he is a good man, he probably didn't want this to happen. I'm sure he would want to start a family with you if he is a good man.
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post Feb 21 2010, 12:30 AM

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Then find any amount nearest to 6,000 which is a sign of hou yi tou.
jhlam
post Feb 21 2010, 01:15 AM

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actually 6k is not too high already. I seen some of my frends which are higher around 10k with other gifts too like car, house and etc.

Lucky me, my in law only requested RM1999, with 999 return to me and the rest to my wifey. ;p
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post Feb 21 2010, 01:53 AM

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hi eebodyyy..... why is the ping kam so important ? imo, the Chinese mentality sometimes a little bit too much request & very face minded. Solely classified to make simple things complicated. To me if I have kids of my own, what matters is their future husband or wives personality from day 1, and not about reimbursement or whatsoever. And another thing, I find it cocky that some Chinese people on their day of marriage, the husband need to read a short essay to their wife.. telling her how much he would appreciate and pamper her... In reality, how many of you man out there truly live up to your words? It is a disgrace for those who don't. and those keh le fei (pasu bunga) people all around are seen melting away as the bridegroom read the essay.. To me, I always believe marriage is just between 2 person & I don't need $ to validate anything.
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QUOTE(g r a p e k e y @ Feb 21 2010, 01:53 AM)
hi eebodyyy..... why is the ping kam so important ? imo, the Chinese mentality sometimes a little bit too much request & very face minded. Solely classified to make simple things complicated. To me if I have kids of my own, what matters is their future husband or wives personality from day 1, and not about reimbursement or whatsoever. And another thing, I find it cocky that some Chinese people on their day of marriage, the husband need to read a short essay to their wife.. telling her how much he would appreciate and pamper her... In reality, how many of you man out there truly live up to your words? It is a disgrace for those who don't. and those keh le fei (pasu bunga) people all around are seen melting away as the bridegroom read the essay..  To me, I always believe marriage is just between 2 person & I don't need $ to validate anything.
*
You know funny thing is b4 I've my own family, I used to find all this tradition a nuisance, I can hardly differentiate how to call in chinese 1st cousin 2nd cousin and so on. When I'm married and now with my own daughter I seem to find myself reviving all these tradition. Maybe as mention earlier I think we need to remind ourselves who we are.
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post Feb 21 2010, 09:03 AM

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QUOTE(jhlam @ Feb 21 2010, 01:15 AM)
actually 6k is not too high already. I seen some of my frends which are higher around 10k with other gifts too like car, house and etc.

Lucky me, my in law only requested RM1999, with 999 return to me and the rest to my wifey. ;p
*
I think it depends on everyone's financial situation lo, so we can't really compare like this

It's reasonable to ask a lot from someone who can really afford it, but probably not from someone's who's struggling with money for wedding. So... I think setting a correct expectation is important
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QUOTE(g r a p e k e y @ Feb 21 2010, 01:53 AM)
hi eebodyyy..... why is the ping kam so important ? imo, the Chinese mentality sometimes a little bit too much request & very face minded. Solely classified to make simple things complicated. To me if I have kids of my own, what matters is their future husband or wives personality from day 1, and not about reimbursement or whatsoever. And another thing, I find it cocky that some Chinese people on their day of marriage, the husband need to read a short essay to their wife.. telling her how much he would appreciate and pamper her... In reality, how many of you man out there truly live up to your words? It is a disgrace for those who don't. and those keh le fei (pasu bunga) people all around are seen melting away as the bridegroom read the essay..  To me, I always believe marriage is just between 2 person & I don't need $ to validate anything.
*
Agreed on this.

As far as it matters,it is just between 2 person.

Parents asking a certain price to check if the husband is willing to pay and will treat their daughter good?How about those who paid a certain amount and have another relationship outside?Does it reflect during the giving of 'Ping Kam'?I would say no.

I don't know about the 'Ping Kam' rates but I can see a lot people here are saying 'My friend this,my friend that',does it means we need to follow them? I felt that giving 'Ping Kam' is a matter of the willingness and one should not demand a certain amount of it.
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QUOTE(g r a p e k e y @ Feb 21 2010, 01:53 AM)
hi eebodyyy..... why is the ping kam so important ? imo, the Chinese mentality sometimes a little bit too much request & very face minded. Solely classified to make simple things complicated. To me if I have kids of my own, what matters is their future husband or wives personality from day 1, and not about reimbursement or whatsoever. And another thing, I find it cocky that some Chinese people on their day of marriage, the husband need to read a short essay to their wife.. telling her how much he would appreciate and pamper her... In reality, how many of you man out there truly live up to your words? It is a disgrace for those who don't. and those keh le fei (pasu bunga) people all around are seen melting away as the bridegroom read the essay..  To me, I always believe marriage is just between 2 person & I don't need $ to validate anything.
*
nod.gif you are totally right....

hope things get better for TS
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post Feb 22 2010, 02:18 PM

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QUOTE(jhlam @ Feb 21 2010, 02:15 AM)
actually 6k is not too high already. I seen some of my frends which are higher around 10k with other gifts too like car, house and etc.

Lucky me, my in law only requested RM1999, with 999 return to me and the rest to my wifey. ;p
*
wahh....

I paid RM 19,999.99
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post Feb 22 2010, 04:23 PM

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QUOTE(g r a p e k e y @ Feb 21 2010, 01:53 AM)
hi eebodyyy..... why is the ping kam so important ? imo, the Chinese mentality sometimes a little bit too much request & very face minded. Solely classified to make simple things complicated. To me if I have kids of my own, what matters is their future husband or wives personality from day 1, and not about reimbursement or whatsoever. And another thing, I find it cocky that some Chinese people on their day of marriage, the husband need to read a short essay to their wife.. telling her how much he would appreciate and pamper her... In reality, how many of you man out there truly live up to your words? It is a disgrace for those who don't. and those keh le fei (pasu bunga) people all around are seen melting away as the bridegroom read the essay..  To me, I always believe marriage is just between 2 person & I don't need $ to validate anything.
*
it's not only the chinese mentality so to speak, it's Asian. We all want face. Furthermore, TS's future in-law already degrade themselves into negotiating a "ping kam" and this also haven't step foot into their in laws door. What if really married and become their in-law? They would obviously treat TS like shit.

marriage in Asia world is not about 2 person... once u're married, u're married into the family which includes pleasing ur in law's, the aunties, the uncles, etc etc..

recently a malay friend got wed and I've learned that the standard hantaran is RM10K for a degree holder wife whistling.gif RM6k is simply nothing.

y in a rush to get married now during ur man's financial turbulence? since courtship has been for 8 years, saving for another year wont be any problem right?
Awakened_Angel
post Feb 22 2010, 04:50 PM

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QUOTE(hamster9 @ Feb 22 2010, 05:23 PM)

recently a malay friend got wed and I've learned that the standard hantaran is RM10K for a degree holder wife  whistling.gif  RM6k is simply nothing.

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are you serious? the rate in my place here is only RM 20
vey99
post Feb 22 2010, 04:55 PM

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i gave 12,888


teelim
post Feb 22 2010, 05:02 PM

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QUOTE(NaiveLady @ Feb 18 2010, 07:20 PM)
I am getting married soon after 8 years of dating. However, parents from both family can't agree on certain things.

My parents & relatives informed the "ping kam" should be abt RM6K and requested for a piggy. They informed that that is the rate in KL. My parents told me because we're not rich, thus the money (instead of forking out our own money) served as financial aid to help them purchase essential items required for the wedding celebrations such as gold. It also will show what is my value & whether my future husband family is stingy or not. Actually, what are the things that bride's family have to buy for wedding?
However, my future in-law said my parents request is too high and they prefer to pay RM888/RM1888/RM2888 (Just a sign of good luck (hou yi tou). Reasons given is they are not buying a daughter-in-law & they want everything to be simple. They thought we want “face” and reputation is the reason behind it. They prefer give money to us (after wedding i guess) rather than wasting it to buy those wedding things. They are not rich but not poor either. My future husband is on his family side and persuading me to accept his parents proposal.

I am torn in between and we quarrel about this. Should I:
- Persuade parents to accept lesser "ping kam"?
- Persuade future husband to give RM6K ?

BTW, what are the average rate of "ping kam" given nowadays? I know some of my friends were lucky because their wife's parents didn't request for ping kam.
*
If talking about "face", I feel that the person giving will have "more face" if can give more, and nothing to do with the "face" of the one receiving since they also said that its not about "selling daughter". If "selling daughter", then the one receiving will have "more face" coz can "sell" the daughter at good price.

I think marriage is supposed to be a happy thing. If your parents feel that the money can help for the wedding preparation, but cannot convince you future in-laws to "help out", then maybe the both of you can source the money from somewhere else.

Otherwise, if your future in-laws can afford it, then you may try to convince them that its not that big amount and it would mean alot to the both of you if "small" issues like this can be solved peacefully.

Because honestly, there may be more headaches ahead for example, how many tables are they giving each other for the wedding dinners.

or else, try to get both sides to settle for a number that they can both agree on. Both also must compromise abit loh

This post has been edited by teelim: Feb 22 2010, 05:05 PM
omniknight86
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QUOTE(vandoren @ Feb 19 2010, 05:32 PM)
sometimes i think that some gal like me is kinda stupid, give up a higher pay OL job in KL; go back ipoh, working in a factory. this is the return that i get from him.. it's really disappointed.
*
love should be unconditional. when you set condition for your love...i.e he must married me fast or must spend more money on my side rather than family...then it is called "Conditional love" not true love anymore. of course your anger is reasonable, if you don't want a guy like that, just change it. age never stops so do time
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post Feb 22 2010, 05:50 PM

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QUOTE(Awakened_Angel @ Feb 22 2010, 04:50 PM)
are you serious? the rate in my place here is only RM 20
*
if not mistaken RM20 is just a fee for them to get married.
lunar sea
post Feb 22 2010, 06:02 PM

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TS , did ur mum gave u advise such as finding a rich husband ? if yes, serve u right.


Added on February 22, 2010, 6:04 pm
QUOTE(vey99 @ Feb 22 2010, 04:55 PM)
i gave 12,888
*
have you seen TS pic ? if haven don simply bid ler ..

later ask u give ruppiah 12888 u also don wan.


Added on February 22, 2010, 6:05 pmbut 6 k is not much la , ur husband no money don married la ..

i so poor also giv 3k.

fyi, my parent only earn less than 1 k per month.

This post has been edited by lunar sea: Feb 22 2010, 06:05 PM
shadow_0
post Feb 23 2010, 10:28 AM

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6k is ok or not, also depends on another factor. Who is going to pay for the wedding dinner?

Normally there are 2 ways:
1:Pay high ping kam, but the bride side dinner paid by the bride family.
2:Pay ping kam as hou yu tou only, the groom side will pay for all dinner.

You have to know that the ang pau from bride's friends and relatives will all go into bride family pocket.

So for case 1, the ang pau and high ping kam will cover the dinner and other expenses.
For case 2, the ang pau will cover other expenses only.
And also, for case 2, it depends on how many tables are requested. Say if ask for 15~20 tables, can easily cost around 10k~15k on the groom side.
moorish
post Feb 23 2010, 11:34 AM

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QUOTE(shadow_0 @ Feb 23 2010, 10:28 AM)
6k is ok or not, also depends on another factor. Who is going to pay for the wedding dinner?

Normally there are 2 ways:
1:Pay high ping kam, but the bride side dinner paid by the bride family.
2:Pay ping kam as hou yu tou only, the groom side will pay for all dinner.

You have to know that the ang pau from bride's  friends and relatives will all go into bride family pocket.

So for case 1, the ang pau and high ping kam will cover the dinner and other expenses.
For case 2, the ang pau will cover other expenses only.
And also, for case 2, it depends on how many tables are requested. Say if ask for 15~20 tables, can easily cost around 10k~15k on the groom side.
*
6K ping kum obviously the groom side pau the dinner la
shadow_0
post Feb 23 2010, 01:27 PM

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QUOTE(moorish @ Feb 23 2010, 11:34 AM)
6K ping kum obviously the groom side pau the dinner la
*
If the groom side pau the dinner, the ping kum can be any amout already loh...

Some people i know, if the groom pau the dinner, the ping kum only like 999 kind of amount...

Some other people who are not in KL. sometimes the ping kum only 5k and the groom doesn't pau the dinner you know... Cause the 5k is mainly use to prepare the wedding, the dinner can be easily covered by the ang pau received.
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post Feb 23 2010, 01:43 PM

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Sigh...these days.....getting married is like asking for a death wish. I'm against the ping kam and whatever tradition the chinese have. Don't get me wrong but I think that all these are being emphasised a little too much. So what if the groom side cannot come up with the amount? Does that mean that he's stingy? What if he's just money concious?

For me, what's the point of paying 6 ~12k? That's like 20% of my life's savings. Not to mention that I'm saving for a house and all. If I were to follow the tradition, i would be left with less than 50% of what I have and that's not exactly the future that I want. Money does not buy happiness but it certainly does help make things alot easier in the future. So really, please don't say that the groom side don't give face or the daughter is worthless. He's marrying you because you're one in a million to him and obviously he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Don't make this about how much the bride is worth or if he's willing to spend for you. Being together as one is more than just about how much money he's willing to spend.
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post Feb 23 2010, 01:45 PM

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QUOTE(lunar sea @ Feb 22 2010, 06:02 PM)
have you seen TS pic ? if haven don simply bid ler ..

later ask u give ruppiah 12888 u also don wan.
*
i said i gave 12,888 for pingkam

not i bid 12,888 for ts the fark i want to bid her for she not even my siham
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post Feb 23 2010, 01:51 PM

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QUOTE(vandoren @ Feb 19 2010, 05:32 PM)
sometimes i think that some gal like me is kinda stupid, give up a higher pay OL job in KL; go back ipoh, working in a factory. this is the return that i get from him.. it's really disappointed.
*
dis is not a wise move...unless ur hubby makes twice as much as you back in kl then mayb you can consider going back ipoh...financial burden is the main thing a married couple will argue ...
yap.ben
post Feb 23 2010, 02:30 PM

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Whao... lucky my inlaw told me they dun wan sell Daughter but let her marry for a good life... thus the "ping kam" only act as symbolic but was return back to my parents on the same nite.
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post Feb 23 2010, 04:15 PM

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QUOTE(pillage2001 @ Feb 23 2010, 02:43 PM)
Being together as one is more than just about how much money he's willing to spend.
*
From this logic, no need "gets" married and organise wedding. Simply stay together, inform both side of family of this intention and thats it. No need register too. After all.... love is in the heart, not dictated by custom nor laws.
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post Feb 23 2010, 05:44 PM

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well..as i know the standard ping kam is around 6 - 10k nowadays as what we shared among our colleagues during our wedding.
myself been giving 11,888 which i think on average side as i even heard my brother's friend is giving 18,888.
pillage2001
post Feb 24 2010, 12:23 AM

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QUOTE(alanyuppie @ Feb 23 2010, 04:15 PM)
From this logic, no need "gets" married and organise wedding. Simply stay together, inform both side of family of this intention and thats it. No need register too. After all.... love is in the heart, not dictated by custom nor laws.
*
There are certain things that are bounded by law, thus the need for registration but the need to give ping kam is another story by itself.
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post Feb 26 2010, 10:39 AM

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QUOTE(NaiveLady @ Feb 18 2010, 07:20 PM)
I am getting married soon after 8 years of dating. However, parents from both family can't agree on certain things.

My parents & relatives informed the "ping kam" should be abt RM6K and requested for a piggy. They informed that that is the rate in KL. My parents told me because we're not rich, thus the money (instead of forking out our own money) served as financial aid to help them purchase essential items required for the wedding celebrations such as gold. It also will show what is my value & whether my future husband family is stingy or not. Actually, what are the things that bride's family have to buy for wedding?
However, my future in-law said my parents request is too high and they prefer to pay RM888/RM1888/RM2888 (Just a sign of good luck (hou yi tou). Reasons given is they are not buying a daughter-in-law & they want everything to be simple. They thought we want “face” and reputation is the reason behind it. They prefer give money to us (after wedding i guess) rather than wasting it to buy those wedding things. They are not rich but not poor either. My future husband is on his family side and persuading me to accept his parents proposal.

I am torn in between and we quarrel about this. Should I:
- Persuade parents to accept lesser "ping kam"?
- Persuade future husband to give RM6K ?

BTW, what are the average rate of "ping kam" given nowadays? I know some of my friends were lucky because their wife's parents didn't request for ping kam.
*
Hi Lady,

For me, my parent ask hubby there pay for 10 tables of bride's dinner (we are having two dinners, one groom one bride), and add on cash as ping kam.

This could cover some cost. This can be done if both family have the same wedding dinner.

For some cash you can buy thing such as gold etc, as a 'jia4 zhuang1" or 'ka zong' in cantonese.



This post has been edited by catpig: Feb 26 2010, 10:50 AM
enmavel
post Feb 26 2010, 09:26 PM

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QUOTE(moorish @ Feb 20 2010, 05:36 PM)

wei 5,888 suay number la rclxms.gif

*
5,888 is good...

5 = five = fai = fast

888 = fatt fatt fatt = prosperous/prosperity...

5,888 = fast prosperity rclxm9.gif icon_rolleyes.gif

(subject to interpretation) rclxms.gif LOL
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post Feb 26 2010, 09:41 PM

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now a days, 10k is the norm.
if ur parents in law want to pay only 888,1888 etc, it shows that they do not respect u and ur family.

imagine taking care and giving education to a daughter, that cost much much more, what is 10k?

This is not selling daughter, just a sign of respect from the other family. but off course your future husband must be able to effort la... if no money, better dont get married!!!
enmavel
post Feb 26 2010, 09:45 PM

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QUOTE(hamster9 @ Feb 22 2010, 04:23 PM)
it's not only the chinese mentality so to speak, it's Asian. We all want face. Furthermore, TS's future in-law already degrade themselves into negotiating a "ping kam" and this also haven't step foot into their in laws door. What if really married and become their in-law? They would obviously treat TS like shit.

marriage in Asia world is not about 2 person... once u're married, u're married into the family which includes pleasing ur in law's, the aunties, the uncles, etc etc..

recently a malay friend got wed and I've learned that the standard hantaran is RM10K for a degree holder wife  whistling.gif  RM6k is simply nothing.

y in a rush to get married now during ur man's financial turbulence?  since courtship has been for 8 years, saving for another year wont be any problem right?
*
I agree with u.

If anyone had asked the malays, they r also spending a lot of $$$ 4wedding too - in wang hantaran.

Some malay frens took personal loan to get married (which is very unfortunate). In my opinion, it is better to reach mutual understanding. Why make the husband becomes in debt with the bank? The bank is laughing while 2 persons are suffering.

(mas kahwin is different - it's compulsory in Islam - depends on state; Selangor is RM80 if i'm not mistaken).

The wang hantaran depends on the "status" of the woman (degree holder, docs etc etc)

While i believe that to marry off a daughter is not "to sell" her, but i think RM6000 is a reasonable sum to ask. Else, TS can ask the husband to give more banquet tables and TS's parents can keep the angpow.

(10 tables x RM700/table = RM7000 min.)




deeplyheartbroken
post Feb 26 2010, 11:05 PM

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There is no standard rate or whatsoever. Don't believe what others say here. My dad marry my mum without paying a single cent. Even the wedding dinner bill was shared between them. This is considering my mum's mother is a tradional type as well too, but being logical & giving... my this grandmother accepts it although she also wants face (since they are from a small town & easy to gossip around).

The money is just about sincerity & customary. Talk to your fiance truly whether he has not enough savings or could be some other reason. Or maybe he do not want to borrow from parents, from you or whatever. You know, it can be pretty tight forking out all those wedding stuffs especially if he is not that well to do currently & he is paying everything for the wedding. If he can afford it without burdening himself at all, but still do not want to pay then it is a different story.
enmavel
post Feb 27 2010, 01:24 AM

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QUOTE(deeplyheartbroken @ Feb 26 2010, 11:05 PM)
There is no standard rate or whatsoever. Don't believe what others say here. My dad marry my mum without paying a single cent.
u toking abt ur mom's era? OK....

No offense & with all due respect to u & ur parents & family... the following remarks not intended to offend u. Just a general comment:

good things dun come cheap & free things hardly appreciated. That's the world we live in now.

While i can understand that TS's bf/"hubby-2-b" might not b able 2afford the $$$, & marriage is not abt "selling daughter"... negotiating the "Ping Kam" by offerring 30% of asking price is like "buying daughter in law" in pasar malam. At least offering half of asking price & compensate by giving more banquet table is more reasonable.

Try to reach mutual agreement & hv win-win situation. No point making in-laws unhappy over small things. Money can be earned back, but in-laws are for life (although u dun stay together).

deeplyheartbroken
post Feb 27 2010, 10:16 AM

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QUOTE(enmavel @ Feb 27 2010, 01:24 AM)
good things dun come cheap & free things hardly appreciated. That's the world we live in now.
You mean TS is an item or goods determined by its quality & price? How can you judge this on a relationship between two person by paying what the in-law asked?

By the way during our parents time, this is even more important than it is now.

If you want to talk about the world now, heck people starting not to have any wedding ceremony at all... this 'ping kam' or 'lai kam' is way off to be heard for cases like this.

All my male relatives & including male friends, none of their in laws asked for a specific amount of money.

Unless the fiance of TS is damn kedekut, rich enough but not willing to pay... I am gonna stand my point on this.
alexalex
post Mar 4 2010, 12:11 PM

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Dear NaiveLady,


Just sharing, in 1999, I paid RM 5,888 minus the piggy (how to deliver > 500km away?)

Love & relationship cant measure by money alone, but as a good start for everyone, between in-laws, relatives, try to accomodate the request.

Mine, the money was later given to wife and "re-use" for our wedding /new home etc and not "for the price of selling their daughter to me".



QUOTE(deeplyheartbroken @ Feb 27 2010, 10:16 AM)
You mean TS is an item or goods determined by its quality & price? How can you judge this on a relationship between two person by paying what the in-law asked?

By the way during our parents time, this is even more important than it is now.

If you want to talk about the world now, heck people starting not to have any wedding ceremony at all... this 'ping kam' or 'lai kam' is way off to be heard for cases like this.

All my male relatives & including male friends, none of their in laws asked for a specific amount of money.

Unless the fiance of TS is damn kedekut, rich enough but not willing to pay... I am gonna stand my point on this.
*
moody5
post Mar 4 2010, 12:27 PM

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in 1983, my dad paid RM3,800 ping kam + delivering the piggy from KL to Ipoh

The money didn't show much but the reasoning of giving certain amount shows!!


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post Mar 4 2010, 12:35 PM

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Actually norm city rate is round rm6-8k.

Your bf should smart in resolve this. Pay 8k quite quite so both side is ok.

chinese have a say, big problem become small, small problem become none..

this should be a happy even looking forward by both side. instead listen to both parent, he need to "head" the even and diplomatically resolve the conflict with both side..
ahcheap
post Mar 4 2010, 01:32 PM

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I think minumum RM8xxx.
arvil22
post Mar 8 2010, 09:01 AM

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i am Chinese but i am christian b4 weeding i already told my gf there are not a single Chinese tradition will able to exist in my weeding not a single, so...in my weeding there is no ping kam or piggy as well
suns8630
post Mar 8 2010, 09:30 AM

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QUOTE(pillage2001 @ Feb 24 2010, 12:23 AM)
There are certain things that are bounded by law, thus the need for registration but the need to give ping kam is another story by itself.
*
yes "law" saids .. need to register as husband and wife .. but "LAW" DID not says about "Ping Kam"

it is HUMAN custom asking for trouble ...


arvil22
post Mar 8 2010, 10:22 AM

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QUOTE(suns8630 @ Mar 8 2010, 09:30 AM)
yes "law" saids .. need to register as husband and wife .. but "LAW" DID not says about "Ping Kam"

it is HUMAN custom asking for trouble ...
*
because Chinese girl parent are selling daughter rclxms.gif they will feel uncomfortable if not receive a single cent icon_rolleyes.gif
that why i always anti Chinese Tradition
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QUOTE(matrix88 @ Feb 26 2010, 09:41 PM)
now a days, 10k is the norm.
if ur parents in law want to pay only 888,1888 etc, it shows that they do not respect u and ur family.

imagine taking care and giving education to a daughter, that cost much much more, what is 10k?

This is not selling daughter, just a sign of respect from the other family. but off course your future husband must be able to effort la... if no money, better dont get married!!!
*
The parents have to take care and give education to the son to earn money and in the end the son supports the wife and all. Wouldn't it be the same for the guy as well?
aKiSuSu
post Mar 9 2010, 06:21 AM

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its a respect on doing ping kam, the amount of money isnt important, what important is both the guy and girl loves each other
deitylord
post Mar 15 2010, 02:12 PM

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im all for giving an acceptable amount of ping kam
but other factors must be taken in as well

what if the guy has to buy house/car/dinner for the wedding?
shouldn't the girl's family help out their daughter and future son in law?

why demand? if a guy cannot afford but rather go take personal loan from bank/ah long just to get married...what kinda thinking is this..

to me, if a parent really love his/her child, then his/her happiness is the most important thing.

chinese tradition is killing all the son in laws. In economy tough times like this, the Chinese are still spending lavishly.
paranoid
post Mar 15 2010, 09:56 PM

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6K is demanding eh.. it's not really wise to stay stubborn and insist on such high amount of money, sell daughter meh? 6K is a lot even if your future husband is from a better-than-average family.

it's just a number anyway. it's going to affect the relationship between both your families, you and your in-laws in the many years to come if this isn't handled properly.

good luck!
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post Mar 15 2010, 11:50 PM

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QUOTE(samurai1337 @ Feb 18 2010, 08:00 PM)
I understand your situation (although I'm a guy). I am lucky that this didn't happen to me when I was getting married (instead, my mother-in-law only took small part of the given ping kam as hou yi tou)

Maybe I'm biased, and I'm on your hubby family side.. or rather I don't really like Chinese tradition and the social norm - they REALLY like to compare (everything, from the location, amount of ping kam, wedding photographer yada yada). I think that couples should just spend what they can afford rather than overspending just to prove that the husband is not stingy.

Parents sometimes have to understand that they demand a lot of money from their future son-in-law, but end up both daughter and son-in-law suffering

Anyway... I suggest the following:

- Try talking to your parents (yes, unluckily it IS your responsibility since they are your parents), explaining that both of you have already spent a lot and why at this moment it isn't feasible to give 6k. Do not say provoking statements like "It's not selling daughter" though

- Try to propose something that you and your hubby can afford. Maybe something like 2888 or 3888

- To be frank, 6k isn't that much. But as you're both short of cash, maybe ask your parents if your hubby can pay that 6k some time later instead of now. Otherwise, go for Personal Loan

I hope it helps, and I wish you all the best
*
true wat he said your in law selling daughter? Its just a sign of good luck . Wedding are not cheap dinner can reach up to 20 k to 50 k and den photographer itself professional already 3k - 7k den tis den tat angpow tis that tis that.
andrekua
post Mar 16 2010, 05:48 AM

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QUOTE(paranoid @ Mar 15 2010, 09:56 PM)
6K is demanding eh..  it's not really wise to stay stubborn and insist on such high amount of money, sell daughter meh? 6K is a lot even if your future husband is from a better-than-average family.

it's just a number anyway. it's going to affect the relationship between both your families, you and your in-laws in the many years to come if this isn't handled properly.

good luck!
*
6k is not a lot, though my wife's parent is okay with 5k. The bride side need to buy a lot of things and most importantly, need to buy a pair of ring for both of you, and for the bride, earings, bracelet, necklace or more if they are rich. Some people deliberately ask for 20k and then return 10-15k during gua dai lai cos wanna make like their daughter married a rich guy.

p.s During my wedding, gold price only USD800++, now close to USD1200

This post has been edited by andrekua: Mar 16 2010, 05:49 AM
vey99
post Mar 16 2010, 06:48 AM

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so how, call it off liao?

find a guy who can give more ping kam?

then confirm is jual anak liao

make sure to get at least 15-20K yo, parents of TS.
B@rt
post Mar 16 2010, 08:46 AM

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I remember giving 8888+10tables+pig+2 bottles of XO+all the other stuff as ping kam but seriously though I would say not to worry so much as you'll get back the money in ang pau when u cham cha and wedding dinner.

This post has been edited by B@rt: Mar 16 2010, 08:48 AM
tomato_mei
post Mar 16 2010, 10:02 AM

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easy la, secretly ask ur bf give RM6 k to ur parents & hiding this from your in law parents lor..but to be frank, RM6k is not big amount lor..my bro's in law parents requested RM50k leh about 5 yrs ago yet my family aint rich also..but what to do since girl's family requested already..sometimes this very susah de..will cause big arguements for the new married couples & somemore after married both side parents not contacting each others 1..js like my family & my bro's in law family...but the most important is new married couple happy ma..hope this help!!!
vey99
post Mar 16 2010, 11:48 AM

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QUOTE(tomato_mei @ Mar 16 2010, 10:02 AM)
easy la, secretly ask ur bf give RM6 k to ur parents & hiding this from your in law parents lor..but to be frank, RM6k is not big amount lor..my bro's in law parents requested RM50k leh about 5 yrs ago yet my family aint rich also..but what to do since girl's family requested already..sometimes this very susah de..will cause big arguements for the new married couples & somemore after married both side parents not contacting each others 1..js like my family & my bro's in law family...but the most important is new married couple happy ma..hope this help!!!
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congrats. u start ur merrid life a poor ass.
applemint
post Mar 18 2010, 10:42 AM

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to be frank....normally girl's family will not request for the amount of ping kam...and the groom's family will know normally how much to give will be better or looks a bit "DAI TAI".... but frankly speaking when u know the amount is RM2888 the maximum....seems like a bit.....stingy....no offense....just this is what in my mind......


Added on March 18, 2010, 10:50 amanother thing i'm curious that if your future in-law already willing to give money after the wedding..why don't they give it before wedding since it will make your parents happier ..they give it earlier...doesn't mean that ur parents will definitely use all of it for wedding stuff...i'm sure ur parents are wise enough in choose appropriate item....for what i see actually at the first place they are not planning or willing to give that amount of money as ping kam...after wedding...it will like just a personal loan to your family?

This post has been edited by applemint: Mar 18 2010, 10:50 AM
slushie
post Mar 18 2010, 04:22 PM

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RM6k? My mom told me the "standard ping gam" right now is approximately RM10k. =S

my cousin's gf's family even requested for RM15k.. but that was too much
cheerioet
post Mar 26 2010, 05:19 PM

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for me, i do not think that 6k is high for ping kam. as for parents, they might ask for this price not only for covering expenses during the wedding, but maybe testing to check if your future hubby has been saving for wedding or not?
those who actually save for wedding, will sure be able to take out 6k easily and i had heard some even asked for 10k, so 6k is just still not high.
if you felt it looks not so nice as like your parents selling daughter, just what is they demanding for 6k purpose...
my personal opinion is, if my parents asked my future hubby to pay 6k for ping kam, and he could not afford it, even though we had dated for 8 years, and he has been working for more than 8 years, then this kind of man, you should consider if he is worth loving. he didnt even know how to save for his future life and future family, meaning, no family planning, no future planning, meaning, in rainy days, you got to fork out your own even if it's necessary for you to borrow money because he do not have saving.
say that i m materialistic or i m money minded, but the guy who cannot afford to take out 6k for 8 years relationship and getting to married, is showing me one sign, which is the guy is not financially secure and he do not have planning.
wangpr
post Mar 26 2010, 05:42 PM

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Dont marry if no money.............................

I am too poor to get marry...... cry.gif sad.gif

Any gal who is orphanage.........i want u ?


Chester
post Mar 27 2010, 08:46 AM

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QUOTE(cheerioet @ Mar 26 2010, 05:19 PM)
for me, i do not think that 6k is high for ping kam. as for parents, they might ask for this price not only for covering expenses during the wedding, but maybe testing to check if your future hubby has been saving for wedding or not?
those who actually save for wedding, will sure be able to take out 6k easily and i had heard some even asked for 10k, so 6k is just still not high.
if you felt it looks not so nice as like your parents selling daughter, just what is they demanding for 6k purpose...
my personal opinion is, if my parents asked my future hubby to pay 6k for ping kam, and he could not afford it, even though we had dated for 8 years, and he has been working for more than 8 years, then this kind of man, you should consider if he is worth loving. he didnt even know how to save for his future life and future family, meaning, no family planning, no future planning, meaning, in rainy days, you got to fork out your own even if it's necessary for you to borrow money because he do not have saving.
say that i m materialistic or i m money minded, but the guy who cannot afford to take out 6k for 8 years relationship and getting to married, is showing me one sign, which is the guy is not financially secure and he do not have planning.
*
I think you got it really wrong there. U have to take into account that they guy is also paying for a car and a house(assuming that they guy have planning, just like what you want laugh.gif ), and people get married at an average age of 28, maybe? Means only a few years of working experience. A guy might be able e to take out the amount easily from his saving, but it sure is a blow this his financial because he only work for a freaking 5 or 6 years and are paying car/house. Unless he come from a rich background, then there is nothing to discuss here.

This post has been edited by Chester: Mar 27 2010, 08:48 AM
damonlbs
post Mar 27 2010, 12:02 PM

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after hearing all these stories sweat.gif

no wonder lah


More getting married later or not at all
http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=...7574&sec=nation

KUALA LUMPUR: Fewer Malaysian men and women want to tie the knot now compared with 10 years ago.

A recent survey by the National Population and Family Development Board on trends between 2000 and 2007 indicated that the average marriage age of marrying Malaysians would increase to 33 years by 2015 or they may choose not to get married at all.

» Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «


cheerioet
post Mar 27 2010, 09:51 PM

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I am sure he did not buy the house by his own, sure is a joint account to pay for the housing loan, so fair enough, if he claimed that he had to spare money for housing, but, he also had to bear in mind, if he is not from a moderate or quite good background, why the girl parents asked for 6k? and i work for 3 years, and i can saved for more than 6k.
please, do not say that the guy pay all for those bridal wedding photos, those honeymoon...as i believe, those are mutual understanding to share for the payment.
so, why cant afford to pay 6k?
juz ask the guy parents to ask themselves, they are juz stingy...
my two cents...
karenapril
post Mar 27 2010, 10:59 PM

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Aiyah, the parents of the guy really handle the things poorly by simply by already prejudicing over the TS parents. They think is expensive then sit down properly and talk to the in laws why put the son and future daughter in law in the middle? Asking a future husband and wife to take sides, are they trying to rip them apart? It just shown that they in-laws are not even using their old wise mind properly and not thinking about their son marriage at all. Imagine next time some argument happens again, the husband and wife will be forced to choose sides as well, that is simply the beginning of in-laws feuds which unfortunately will wreck marriages (i seen it in my family). In Asian families you don't only marry a person but you marry the whole family, failure to balance these two clans will results in huge amount of stress and cause a lot of arguments between husband and wife.
Think about it, it isn't just about the ping kam it is about how both families handle problems and their tolerance with each others. Plus, the future husband is a bit cowardly, pushing the future wife to choose between new in-laws and her own parents. I bet he won't side TS or stand up for her when she get into troubles with his mother in the future. Good luck girl!
roxxor89
post Mar 28 2010, 02:07 PM

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Maybe off topic...but i got my malay colleague to read pages 1-3 and she said we chinese spend money on marriage as if we're buying a low end NEW car tongue.gif ...

This post has been edited by roxxor89: Mar 28 2010, 02:08 PM
shadow_0
post Mar 29 2010, 09:49 AM

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QUOTE(cheerioet @ Mar 27 2010, 09:51 PM)
I am sure he did not buy the house by his own, sure is a joint account to pay for the housing loan, so fair enough, if he claimed that he had to spare money for housing, but, he also had to bear in mind, if he is not from a moderate or quite good background, why the girl parents asked for 6k? and i work for 3 years, and i can saved for more than 6k.
please, do not say that the guy pay all for those bridal wedding photos, those honeymoon...as i believe, those are mutual understanding to share for the payment.
so, why cant afford to pay 6k?
juz ask the guy parents to ask themselves, they are juz stingy...
my two cents...
*
Just some opinion....
A lot of people are different. I have known a lot of married couples, which the guy pay for ALL THE EXPENSES. Which means, the bridal photo, honey moon, and some even have to pay for the wedding dinner if their family can't support them. And actually, some of them also pay for the housing and car loan alone.

If you got no housing or car loan, saving up 6K is easy. However, if you got some other stuff, then 6K is a lot. If the guy has to support his family (maybe parent too old to work already), then most likely he can't even save any money at all.

On top of that, 6K is NOT ENOUGH for a wedding. Wedding photo easily cost around 3K~6K, honey moon can cost around 2K~20K depending on location, and PING KAM? How about "Ga lui beng", the other MISC ang pau (would cost around 1K), money for "guo dai li" stuff (pig? XO?). How about new furniture? New car? New house? Renovation fees?

After all, it would depends on how demanding is the bride.


In KL, an average wedding would easily cost the groom 20K...
RayKazansky
post Mar 29 2010, 09:58 AM

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QUOTE(NaiveLady @ Feb 18 2010, 07:20 PM)
I am getting married soon after 8 years of dating. However, parents from both family can't agree on certain things.

My parents & relatives informed the "ping kam" should be abt RM6K and requested for a piggy. They informed that that is the rate in KL. My parents told me because we're not rich, thus the money (instead of forking out our own money) served as financial aid to help them purchase essential items required for the wedding celebrations such as gold. It also will show what is my value & whether my future husband family is stingy or not. Actually, what are the things that bride's family have to buy for wedding?
However, my future in-law said my parents request is too high and they prefer to pay RM888/RM1888/RM2888 (Just a sign of good luck (hou yi tou). Reasons given is they are not buying a daughter-in-law & they want everything to be simple. They thought we want “face” and reputation is the reason behind it. They prefer give money to us (after wedding i guess) rather than wasting it to buy those wedding things. They are not rich but not poor either. My future husband is on his family side and persuading me to accept his parents proposal.

I am torn in between and we quarrel about this. Should I:
- Persuade parents to accept lesser "ping kam"?
- Persuade future husband to give RM6K ?

BTW, what are the average rate of "ping kam" given nowadays? I know some of my friends were lucky because their wife's parents didn't request for ping kam.
*
My mom in law was quite flexible because, if she accepts too much, it would look as if she is selling off her daughter. So, for my case, we settle at a very relaxed figure and both parents also very chin-chai.

Most importantly, it is not the quantity, but more of quality. No point of having RM 18,888.00 if the marriage can last only few years. (many couples separated especially those from high income family). People nowadays are losing values and tend to be more materialistic. There is nothing to be ashame of if the figure is small.

Just my 2 cents. smile.gif
nichole2400
post Mar 31 2010, 05:25 PM

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i dun think is matter of respect or not. wut is the point request for 20k n return 15k again later? is juz about status i guess n when chat wit those uncle aunty will gain u more status as u worth 20k. lol.

like wise, most of the girl r highly educated nowadays n not relying the husband and we might even give our own parents some money each month.

at the end juz depend on urself n ur hubby. dun let both of ur parents become an obstacle. if they do force upon it, dun get married first until pregnant. then all thing can be very well negotiate. lol.
Pennywise
post Apr 2 2010, 09:30 AM

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Wah, KL only 6k? That is cheap la... Your boyfriend who loves you should do something about this than letting you, the lady worried about it. Does your boyfriend really want to marry you or not? It's a one time request from your family also cannot fulfill... then future how? All your in-law take control? Your life... habis!

Sorry, not scaring you but I really do feel that the man should do something about it. and RM6k is a SMALL amount no joke. I thought standard is RM10k?
Scissorshand
post Apr 4 2010, 11:41 AM

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In Vietnam, its affordable average abt 5kgs of rice, piglet and RM1000 onli, i luv Vietnamese girls, too bad i can't speak
Th3D3vil
post Apr 4 2010, 04:10 PM

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Work it out for an amount in between.
10k is the normal rate in KL.

There is no such thing as 888,1888 or 2888 or wat ever called as hou yi tou. Else, get your future husband to fork out secretly.

Marriage is once in a lifetime. Not child play. If your future husband can't manage such small matter, how can be dependent on him?

Else dun get marry..it's a big ocean out there.
tongue.gif



AngelLingLing
post Apr 5 2010, 10:20 AM

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erm, ping kam is by future hubby / in-laws?
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post Apr 5 2010, 12:13 PM

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there r stuff dat worth ague about, & there r stuff dat just not worth ague about.....
& 'ping kam' is jut not worth arguing about.

pls....dis is 2 people getting 2gether, not buying selling daughter....
as if dat the guy marry a girl to be his slave 4ever......

i personnel think dis 'ping kam' tradition shud b skip, hell, it shud b abolish....

if u ask me, i would rather skip 'ping kam' use the $$$ to hav a better, more grand marriage den to giv.

to the girl's parents, pls...u're not selling ur daughter, it's not like u're not gonna see ur daughter ever again.
leongal
post Aug 16 2010, 10:18 AM

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if you have read my earlier posts which suggested that the tradition was "crap" blink.gif but now i am undergoing it myself blush.gif but, fortunately, i dun have to go thru wat TS has to go thru, my mum was reasonable enough and she asked for RM 3,888 (when my bf asked indirectly); further discussion will be next month....my mum agreed that she doesn't want to put us into debt....

btw, i am not really close to my family...just really wish a very simple thing
tech3910
post Aug 16 2010, 11:44 AM

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QUOTE(leongal @ Aug 16 2010, 10:18 AM)
if you have read my earlier posts which suggested that the tradition was "crap" blink.gif but now i am undergoing it myself blush.gif but, fortunately, i dun have to go thru wat TS has to go thru, my mum was reasonable enough and she asked for RM 3,888 (when my bf asked indirectly); further discussion will be next month....my mum agreed that she doesn't want to put us into debt....

btw, i am not really close to my family...just really wish a very simple thing
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getting married har.....
congratz........
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post Aug 16 2010, 04:30 PM

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6k is not a lot, but however if cannot persuade, y not postpone a bit, if 1month save 1k, half year later can achieve that amount......
kenji1903
post Aug 17 2010, 02:50 PM

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my wife didn't take ping kam but wanted a dragon pheonix bracelet... give only lar, what's the problem? tongue.gif
tomgirl8585
post Aug 17 2010, 03:19 PM

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My place here (Sarawak), the common rate now is around RM15k..some ppl go es up even to RM20k.
matthewctj
post Aug 17 2010, 03:55 PM

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QUOTE(gck @ Feb 19 2010, 11:20 AM)
6k isn't a lot and ping kam is not something that ppl argue about.,
if ping kam also argue...susah lor
*
Different people has different incomes with different commitments and priorities. 6k may not be a lot to you, but it is to some. So, unless we are in their shoes, we are in no position to say 6k isn't a lot. Even a simple non glamorous wedding can be meaningful.

TS, using my wedding as my example, ping kam is also used by your family to pay for the no of tables they intend to have during your wedding dinner. For example, if you have 50 tables (25 his side / 25 your side) your family will be paying for their side of the table. But bear in mind, only relatives tables are counted. Hence, you can roughly estimate the no of relatives you have. For example, if you have around 30 family members, you will need 3 tables just for your family and relatives. So, if the venue is roughly RM1.5k per table, then your family will use RM4.5k from the ping kam to pay for the dinner. So, if you give RM6k, they have about RM1.5k to use for all other expenses. It is not uncommon for the bride's family to fork out some money as well. Not evreything is paid for by the groom on contrary belief.

Not sure if this is the norm. It is hard to please both side, but I would that at the end of the day, do not burst the budget of your wedding. Normally, sure burst, but don't exceed a certain percentage. And this budget is combined the both of you, not all him alone. Use within your means, don't try to please everyone and end up starting a married life with so much debt.
leongal
post Aug 17 2010, 04:12 PM

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as far i am understand, ping kam is just a "yee see" and also the bride's parents will also use portion of the ping kam to give in-return betrothal gifts; and for my case, ping kam is separate from the guests that my parents want to invite; which we have agreed on only calling close friends and relatives only.....
matthewctj
post Aug 17 2010, 04:22 PM

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QUOTE(tomgirl8585 @ Aug 17 2010, 03:19 PM)
My place here (Sarawak), the common rate now is around RM15k..some ppl go es up even to RM20k.
*
Because most of them are balak king there .... sure rich mah
happy_gal
post Aug 18 2010, 09:19 AM

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on this matter, how about to deal with parents who will take the ping kam as their investment over the years of letting u go to uni, bring u up.. etc etc and feel like they deserve the money?...

if im nt mistaken, i think most chinese traditional thinking parents will have this thinking lor.. i feel that even my own mom also is having this mentality lor...

This post has been edited by happy_gal: Aug 18 2010, 09:20 AM
matthewctj
post Aug 18 2010, 10:56 AM

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Then you have to be firm with your parents. Tell them you love them and that it is not out of disrespect for not following their wishes. Times have change, and although traditions does not necessary have to be changed, they need to be flexible. Ask them, if you date 10 good men, and all good men also cannot afford their requested 'ping kam', does that mean you can't get married?

You have to put it to them gently, but put your foot down. But if you want to be mean, be sarcastic and ask them, "Did you raise me up because you love me or because I was just an asset for you to sell off?"
Joey Christensen
post Aug 18 2010, 11:53 AM

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QUOTE(NaiveLady @ Feb 18 2010, 07:20 PM)
My parents told me because we're not rich, thus the money (instead of forking out our own money) served as financial aid to help them purchase essential items required for the wedding celebrations such as gold. It also will show what is my value & whether my future husband family is stingy or not.
How much does it cost to "buy" you off? Seriously. Can you put a price tag on someone? Is there a price for each and everyone one of us? Especially those who are getting married? Sure it's the next step of commitment but when you come to thinking, how much does it cost for the "purchase"? Utterly absurd, right?

Can you accept the "talk or walk away" approach? I don't think so. Period.

Addendum: Congratulations on the good news.

QUOTE(vandoren @ Feb 19 2010, 05:07 PM)
i'm totally agree with you.
my bf's monthly salary 70% goes to supporting his family as well as save as his parent's health emergency fund as his parents have 0 insurance.

since both of us are late 20s, i've asked him several time any planning to our future. he keep on saying no money and have to support his family.
ask me to wait.. wait till when? wait till i'm 30++ ? till old? i feel that it's kinda unfair to me..
Options are aplenty. You want to be treated "fair and square"? The door is just right there for you to exit.

QUOTE(barista @ Feb 19 2010, 05:12 PM)
Yes. It is unfair.

Sometimes I wonder if he really loves the gf?
He seems to consider his family more important.
Other people in his family can be happily married and he lets his gf suffer.

A girl is only young once and she cannot spend her time waiting for someone who treats her unfairly.
Do you know the importance of a family? Without them, without him. Are you too blinded or maybe too dumbfounded to realise that?


QUOTE(samurai1337 @ Feb 19 2010, 05:29 PM)
It's not recommended but nevertheless an option
Provisional option is very much appreciated. Even though it may not be feasible to partake. As you have mentioned, it's an opened window of option to be taken into consideration.

QUOTE(vandoren @ Feb 19 2010, 05:32 PM)
sometimes i think that some gal like me is kinda stupid, give up a higher pay OL job in KL; go back ipoh, working in a factory. this is the return that i get from him.. it's really disappointed.
Disappointing or not, the decision is being made by you. You've decided to forgone something that you have in Kuala Lumpur and settles in Ipoh. How easy for one to forgets that she's the one that holds the ultimatum? Shackles of fate is a strong tool of psychology manipulation.

Regards, Joey

This post has been edited by Joey Christensen: Aug 25 2010, 12:26 PM
vandoren
post Aug 20 2010, 12:58 PM

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joey, i believe you have misunderstood barista and my statements.
we are not asking our bf to abandone their parents nor their family.
i'm just asking for his understanding to balance his contribution of % salary.

setting up a new family and to have kids need lots of money. remaining 30% salary to support himself and his new family is kind of impossible. unless he earns a lot, for normal ppl, its hard to survive.
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post Aug 20 2010, 04:24 PM

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QUOTE(vandoren @ Aug 20 2010, 12:58 PM)
joey, i believe you have misunderstood barista and my statements.
we are not asking our bf to abandone their parents nor their family.
i'm just asking for his understanding to balance his contribution of % salary.

setting up a new family and to have kids need lots of money. remaining 30% salary to support himself and his new family is kind of impossible. unless he earns a lot, for normal ppl, its hard to survive.
*
U obviously didn't get Joey's message sweat.gif
TSNaiveLady
post Aug 21 2010, 09:10 AM

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My GDL is just a month away.
My mum reminded me that even very very thin gold necklace cost abt RM2K.
RM6K is not much for Ping Kam. sad.gif

This post has been edited by NaiveLady: Aug 21 2010, 09:11 AM
leongal
post Aug 22 2010, 09:00 PM

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QUOTE(NaiveLady @ Aug 21 2010, 09:10 AM)
My GDL is just a month away.
My mum reminded me that even very very thin gold necklace cost abt RM2K.
RM6K is not much for Ping Kam.  sad.gif
*
both of you have come to this far; well...and since your mum can't compromise, i think the only choice left is to take up a personal loan first, maybe you can get back in return from the dinner angpaus....

marriage is something to be happy; just don't get this money issue surround it....

good luck gal and congratulations!!!
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post Aug 23 2010, 12:48 AM

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QUOTE(leongal @ Aug 22 2010, 09:00 PM)
both of you have come to this far; well...and since your mum can't compromise, i think the only choice left is to take up a personal loan first, maybe you can get back in return from the dinner angpaus....

marriage is something to be happy; just don't get this money issue surround it....

good luck gal and congratulations!!!
*
encourage people to take loan for the sake of marriage....

what the hell is wrong with you people?

if both side can't reach a compromise, delay, until you have the fund!

or else, both of you suffer huge loan repayment frm your salary because of marriage, in the end of the day,

end up everyday argue and so on, will you happy?

is this the purpose of marriage?

what's the purpose of marriage then? satisfy your parents's requirement or recoup of their investment on you?
wangpr
post Aug 23 2010, 02:24 AM

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QUOTE(NaiveLady @ Aug 21 2010, 09:10 AM)
My GDL is just a month away.
My mum reminded me that even very very thin gold necklace cost abt RM2K.
RM6K is not much for Ping Kam.  sad.gif
*
My advice, please remind this is a test for u from God...... Dont cause till ur marriage is unsuccessful and end up in break up where u gonna regret...........

Do u really want $$$ become ur devil in ur marriage... u can make ur own decision.. coz this is ur marriage........


leongal
post Aug 23 2010, 09:36 AM

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QUOTE(keith_hjinhoh @ Aug 23 2010, 12:48 AM)
encourage people to take loan for the sake of marriage....

what the hell is wrong with you people?

if both side can't reach a compromise, delay, until you have the fund!

or else, both of you suffer huge loan repayment frm your salary because of marriage, in the end of the day,

end up everyday argue and so on, will you happy?

is this the purpose of marriage?

what's the purpose of marriage then? satisfy your parents's requirement or recoup of their investment on you?
*
no la....she is at the verge of her wedding oredi, she can do nothing much now.....tat's her only solution since the mother isn't compromising smile.gif

and of course, if there's any way, i won't advice one to do so...
matthewctj
post Aug 23 2010, 11:56 AM

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A loan is not he solution. I've said it before, do not start a married life in debt. We sometimes thing that a loan is normal in today's society. But trust me, when it accumulates, that's when you will have arguments with your husband. It's not uncommon to see couples argue because of financial issues.

So, be firm and tell you parents, you will give when you have the funds and ask them to see and respect you as a daughter and not as someone to recover childhood expenses from. Remember to tell them you love them at the end of it. That will soften the blow.

If they choose not to attend your wedding because you did not give their required ping kam, then sad as it may be, so be it. At least you stand by your principal. Most important, your decisions must be without regret. When you have regret, that's when you will feel guilty.

I personally do not want to be held ransom to what I should or should not do for my wedding. It is MY WEDDING and if parents cannot respect that, then it's ok for me if they don't attend. I don't want people who are angry and bitter to attend my wedding anyway.

This post has been edited by matthewctj: Aug 23 2010, 11:59 AM
leongal
post Aug 23 2010, 12:42 PM

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QUOTE(matthewctj @ Aug 23 2010, 11:56 AM)
I personally do not want to be held ransom to what I should or should not do for my wedding. It is MY WEDDING and if parents cannot respect that, then it's ok for me if they don't attend. I don't want people who are angry and bitter to attend my wedding anyway.
*
thumbup.gif good one!

i too would not invite people who i dislike (but pressured by parents who want them to attend) to my wedding....


Added on August 23, 2010, 1:17 pmbtw, i want to ask: generally, shouldn't a couple settle with the ping kam discussion before the ROM date?

This post has been edited by leongal: Aug 23 2010, 01:17 PM
matthewctj
post Aug 23 2010, 11:01 PM

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QUOTE(leongal @ Aug 23 2010, 12:42 PM)
btw, i want to ask: generally, shouldn't a couple settle with the ping kam discussion before the ROM date?
Generally, yes .... but if there is no conclusion from either side of the family, then the final decision rest with the both of you. You decide what is best and stick to your decision. Do not be fickle minded and be swayed by emotions and opinions.

leongal
post Aug 24 2010, 10:52 AM

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QUOTE(matthewctj @ Aug 23 2010, 11:01 PM)
Generally, yes .... but if there is no conclusion from either side of the family, then the final decision rest with the both of you. You decide what is best and stick to your decision. Do not be fickle minded and be swayed by emotions and opinions.
*
thanks for the opinion...was asking because one of my friends are registering the marriage soon without the parents totally agreed on the ping kam yet, wonder if there will be complications later....anyway, just a concern....

as for myself, can't wait for september to come, both parents are likely to sit down to discuss (although mum agreed the price with my bf) biggrin.gif
shift2
post Aug 24 2010, 02:02 PM

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2888 max only..??
maybe cant get u a kancil down payment oso. hahha
sorry just joking...

5k is good.
xecton
post Aug 25 2010, 09:32 AM

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I don't know whether to laugh or cry when people try to measure love with money, be it a husband-wife love or parents-child love.
ryei
post Aug 25 2010, 09:53 AM

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I'm not going to give any ping-kum to marry my gf.. this is just a plain bullshit in our generation. And not going to set up a wedding dinner with alot of aunties uncles yum-seng around and sing/yell on the stage.. this is simply a nightmare..

always remember, don't follow any tradition that doesn't make any sense in current generation
Xrlckclj3nX
post Aug 26 2010, 01:03 AM

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this kind of situation..very hard to gao tim one..especially when guys/girls' parents are picky (not mean TS ahhh) and yes..as a guy..we have to save money gao gao before going to the family building stage..go do some part time few years before getting married..need plan for few years one lo..

if your husband rich then got ntg to say lo..but if you husband can't afford, then he should plan few years earlier ady..but now, cant blame both parties, there always a reason when they said something..

i oso donno what to suggest as lots of ppl already told you here..what would i suggest is..be patient and both of you have to settle this calmly..this is your first challenge of the beginning of your journey, so take it bravely..what we can do is wish all the best and may you have a smooth and happy wedding! thumbup.gif



QUOTE(matthewctj @ Aug 17 2010, 04:22 PM)
Because most of them are balak king there .... sure rich mah
*
not only balak king... pepper king oso.. biggrin.gif





This post has been edited by Xrlckclj3nX: Aug 26 2010, 01:08 AM
dvinez
post Mar 18 2011, 12:41 PM

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QUOTE(leongal @ Aug 16 2010, 10:18 AM)
if you have read my earlier posts which suggested that the tradition was "crap" blink.gif but now i am undergoing it myself blush.gif but, fortunately, i dun have to go thru wat TS has to go thru, my mum was reasonable enough and she asked for RM 3,888 (when my bf asked indirectly); further discussion will be next month....my mum agreed that she doesn't want to put us into debt....

btw, i am not really close to my family...just really wish a very simple thing
*
nice, i have a problem now sad.gif
my gf parents ask abt same amount as yours, a roasted pig, 2 vsop, 50-100 boxes cakes, 3-5 tables. and said, probably not enough.

they also said no money buy gold for her, dont want do buffet for her, basically dont want use to use any money on her.
and there will totally no generous or no refund of the money. all my friends got almost all back. their parent just take for the sake of tradition only.

this will sum up to about 8k-10k alone. i need to fork it out myself.
total for wedding will cost about 40k at least, which include bedroom set, rings, photography, angpows and dinner.

if you wonder why my gf doesnt have money, her parent doesnt help her/give her money to save since young. it is so totally different to their son.
she still have to pay loan for her study, she live outside working, during college time pocket money also not enough, which i covered for her.
also please note they treat their daughter in very traditional daughter way.


it is not like i am not willing to give much, but they dont understand what did they give to her daughter ? which make me reluctant to follow they request.
they did not consider we need to fork out a lot of money, they only considered themselves. yes financial ability is much better than them but money are not meant to spent that way.

to me they are just selfish, very selfish. i never see parent who give empty hand when children open house/wedding.
my friends gf parent helps in financial and non financial when they buy/move house. which they never do so, furthermore complaint and talk cock when we finished our renovation like the house belonged to them.

so on fire and complaint like nobody business.




@lice~~
post Mar 18 2011, 12:59 PM

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QUOTE(dvinez @ Mar 18 2011, 12:41 PM)
nice, i have a problem now sad.gif
my gf parents ask abt same amount as yours, a roasted pig, 2 vsop, 50-100 boxes cakes, 3-5 tables. and said, probably not enough.

they also said no money buy gold for her, dont want do buffet for her, basically dont want use to use any money on her.
and there will totally no generous or no refund of the money. all my friends got almost all back. their parent just take for the sake of tradition only.

this will sum up to about 8k-10k alone. i need to fork it out myself.
total for wedding will cost about 40k at least, which include bedroom set, rings, photography, angpows and dinner.

if you wonder why my gf doesnt have money, her parent doesnt help her/give her money to save since young. it is so totally different to their son.
she still have to pay loan for her study, she live outside working, during college time pocket money also not enough, which i covered for her.
also please note they treat their daughter in very traditional daughter way.
it is not like i am not willing to give much, but they dont understand what did they give to her daughter ? which make me reluctant to follow they request.
they did not consider we need to fork out a lot of money, they only considered themselves. yes financial ability is much better than them but money are not meant to spent that way.

to me they are just selfish, very selfish. i never see parent who give empty hand when children open house/wedding.
my friends gf parent helps in financial and non financial when they buy/move house. which they never do so, furthermore complaint and talk cock when we finished our renovation like the house belonged to them.

so on fire and complaint like nobody business.
*
Well, yesterday jz hear a story from fren.. the girl's family request RM10k for the ping kam n same like ur case.. their family didnt help/foot the cost for the buffet n etc.. everything settle by the couple themselves.. their parent jz took everything


tech3910
post Mar 18 2011, 01:19 PM

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IMO, dis whole ping kam tradition shud b abolish.
it's stupid & always brings out problem.....

if less, people say "so stingy? daughter so cheap?"
if more it will burden the guy & will giv the impression, "so ur daughter can value by $ & can be sold....."

IMO, it shud b done as a practice only, not seriously take the money.
eg, guy family giv 'ping kam' 10k, den girl's family 'wui lai' 9999.

This post has been edited by tech3910: Mar 18 2011, 07:53 PM
leongal
post Mar 18 2011, 05:07 PM

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somehow i feel, parents DO make things complicated for their children who want to have a simple wedding, and sometimes their demand can be burdening to their children, without looking into future consequences....for the sake of their EGO


ati radeon
post Mar 18 2011, 07:40 PM

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QUOTE(ryei @ Aug 25 2010, 09:53 AM)
I'm not going to give any ping-kum to marry my gf.. this is just a plain bullshit in our generation. And not going to set up a wedding dinner with alot of aunties uncles yum-seng around and sing/yell on the stage.. this is simply a nightmare..

always remember, don't follow any tradition that doesn't make any sense in current generation
*
true, i agree with u mate. oversea marriage or simply ROM ceremony with witnesses at church followed by simply catering buffet will be good enough for me.

i believe the ping kum thing is like a insurance to the wife, in case anything happens and she is left alone. i dont mind giving that, the wedding dinner is nightmare

This post has been edited by ati radeon: Mar 18 2011, 07:42 PM
Chester
post Mar 18 2011, 09:50 PM

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QUOTE(dvinez @ Mar 18 2011, 12:41 PM)
nice, i have a problem now sad.gif
my gf parents ask abt same amount as yours, a roasted pig, 2 vsop, 50-100 boxes cakes, 3-5 tables. and said, probably not enough.

they also said no money buy gold for her, dont want do buffet for her, basically dont want use to use any money on her.
and there will totally no generous or no refund of the money. all my friends got almost all back. their parent just take for the sake of tradition only.

this will sum up to about 8k-10k alone. i need to fork it out myself.
total for wedding will cost about 40k at least, which include bedroom set, rings, photography, angpows and dinner.

if you wonder why my gf doesnt have money, her parent doesnt help her/give her money to save since young. it is so totally different to their son.
she still have to pay loan for her study, she live outside working, during college time pocket money also not enough, which i covered for her.
also please note they treat their daughter in very traditional daughter way.
it is not like i am not willing to give much, but they dont understand what did they give to her daughter ? which make me reluctant to follow they request.
they did not consider we need to fork out a lot of money, they only considered themselves. yes financial ability is much better than them but money are not meant to spent that way.

to me they are just selfish, very selfish. i never see parent who give empty hand when children open house/wedding.
my friends gf parent helps in financial and non financial when they buy/move house. which they never do so, furthermore complaint and talk cock when we finished our renovation like the house belonged to them.

so on fire and complaint like nobody business.
*
cheer up bro! i havent "discuss" yet but i have a feeling mine will cost more! icon_question.gif

btw, when wanna create an FB account for me to add you blush.gif
dvinez
post Mar 25 2011, 10:57 AM

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QUOTE(Chester @ Mar 18 2011, 09:50 PM)
cheer up bro! i havent "discuss" yet but i have a feeling mine will cost more! icon_question.gif

btw, when wanna create an FB account for me to add you blush.gif
*
hahaa knn long time no see, after u discuss share some tips.
when is ur wedding, pm me, mine probably on october if i have enough juice.
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post Mar 25 2011, 12:11 PM

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QUOTE(dvinez @ Mar 18 2011, 12:41 PM)
nice, i have a problem now sad.gif
my gf parents ask abt same amount as yours, a roasted pig, 2 vsop, 50-100 boxes cakes, 3-5 tables. and said, probably not enough.

they also said no money buy gold for her, dont want do buffet for her, basically dont want use to use any money on her.
and there will totally no generous or no refund of the money. all my friends got almost all back. their parent just take for the sake of tradition only.

this will sum up to about 8k-10k alone. i need to fork it out myself.
total for wedding will cost about 40k at least, which include bedroom set, rings, photography, angpows and dinner.

if you wonder why my gf doesnt have money, her parent doesnt help her/give her money to save since young. it is so totally different to their son.
she still have to pay loan for her study, she live outside working, during college time pocket money also not enough, which i covered for her.
also please note they treat their daughter in very traditional daughter way.
it is not like i am not willing to give much, but they dont understand what did they give to her daughter ? which make me reluctant to follow they request.
they did not consider we need to fork out a lot of money, they only considered themselves. yes financial ability is much better than them but money are not meant to spent that way.

to me they are just selfish, very selfish. i never see parent who give empty hand when children open house/wedding.
my friends gf parent helps in financial and non financial when they buy/move house. which they never do so, furthermore complaint and talk cock when we finished our renovation like the house belonged to them.

so on fire and complaint like nobody business.
*
Okay, this is a very common dilemma for most couples getting married. If you have the money and willing to accept such "extortion" then just swallow it up. It's only one in a lifetime thingie. After the wedding then you can just ignore the in-laws.

However, if you are unable to take it AND with agreement from your GF/wife to be, then don't pay them all they want. At first, negotiate NICELY. Say stuffs like not enough money and need to repay loan and commitment and most importantly...need to save up for future baby. Now the secret weapon is BABY. Say diapers, milk powder and so on are all expensive. Including needing to invest in insurance for the child's future. You only want the best for your kids. Hehe..they have to agree else it will looks like they are bad grandparents. If nice negotiation fail then it's time for war. Tell them downright, this is what you are going to provide...list them out. Take it or leave it. If they refuse then say will go for vacation wedding or only 1 sided wedding dinner. But to do this, you must have 100% support from your wife-to-be. Or else it won't work.

Goodluck.
deodorant
post Mar 25 2011, 02:28 PM

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QUOTE(ryei @ Aug 25 2010, 09:53 AM)
I'm not going to give any ping-kum to marry my gf.. this is just a plain bullshit in our generation. And not going to set up a wedding dinner with alot of aunties uncles yum-seng around and sing/yell on the stage.. this is simply a nightmare..

Depends on family & upbringing also. Personally me and my gf (who i'm planning to propose to but haven't gotten round to), we're lucky cos both sides parents are happy-go-lucky and not the meddling type, so I foresee we'll have a lot of say in what we want to do.

But I have friends, particularly those whose parents are big businesspeople - these, I kind of pity cos literally speaking the wedding dinner isn't a wedding dinner anymore. It's literally a "Business Dinner hosted by the parents for their friends to celebrate their son/daughter marriage."
uest91
post Mar 25 2011, 08:52 PM

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That's why, I told my bf, no chinese traditional marriage like PLEASE !!
Ping Gam, Ang pau, Wedding Dinner, Open Door Ang pau for Ji mui and bla bla bla, waste so much $$$ doing the same old boring thing, such a big big waste !!
Especially the Chinese Wedding dinner, expensive, food so-so only, I cook myself for them more good...
And the most stupidest part, AH PEK & AUNTIE KARAOKE, waffak !! Damn annoying ....

deodorant
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QUOTE(uest91 @ Mar 25 2011, 08:52 PM)
Open Door Ang pau for Ji mui and bla bla bla,

Haha this one quite fun mah no meh? get to see your groom's hing dai do all sorts of stupid things. it's the only time in your life that you say what they do what without question lol

(ok well strictly speaking the bride doesn't actually get to see anything cos she's hidden away. but got photographer and videographer later on!)
uest91
post Mar 25 2011, 11:00 PM

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QUOTE(deodorant @ Mar 25 2011, 10:44 PM)
Haha this one quite fun mah no meh? get to see your groom's hing dai do all sorts of stupid things. it's the only time in your life that you say what they do what without question lol

(ok well strictly speaking the bride doesn't actually get to see anything cos she's hidden away. but got photographer and videographer later on!)
*
It's fun when if the games are very silly and fun.
But my friends/bestie eyes are like this ($.$)
One of my friend get married and we're the jimui, ang pau rm250 each person and we have 4, I think it's already cukup.

Too bad, one my of friend complain ang pau too small, groom too kiam siap, I too easy satisfy blah blah blah.
I thought wedding are mean to be fun, happy and memorable ?
But why is chinese ppl see MONEY so big already hmm.gif

Therefore to avoid that, it's better that I dont want it.
Just a simple wedding, I dont want to spend over 30k just to tell ppl, I'M MARRIED where after few months, no one will remember it.
deodorant
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QUOTE(uest91 @ Mar 25 2011, 11:00 PM)
Just a simple wedding, I dont want to spend over 30k just to tell ppl, I'M MARRIED where after few months, no one will remember it.

Haha status update in FB enough already. Then anyone who needs to know you're married will know ... tongue.gif
uest91
post Mar 26 2011, 08:13 AM

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QUOTE(deodorant @ Mar 26 2011, 02:45 AM)
Haha status update in FB enough already. Then anyone who needs to know you're married will know ... tongue.gif
*
If all my relatives also have facebook account, I really will.
Winning11
post Apr 17 2011, 10:10 AM

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question.

what do we guys have to give to the parents during 'guo dai lai'?

both of our parents are the super casual type. and her parents are not taking the pork and all the fancy2 stuff as my wife is of mixed parentage

or i just pass them a cheque?? tongue.gif

and no. it is just a small amount of appreciation. not until rm10k sweat.gif

This post has been edited by Winning11: Apr 17 2011, 10:10 AM
yanniieee
post Apr 19 2011, 09:25 AM

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my brother just married few months ago, his mother in law asked 10k for "ping kam". really speechless. do they need this much?
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post Apr 19 2011, 10:18 AM

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QUOTE(yanniieee @ Apr 19 2011, 09:25 AM)
my brother just married few months ago, his mother in law asked 10k for "ping kam". really speechless. do they need this much?
*
It is what they called "sell" daughter tongue.gif

Well, some people juz take the money issue too seriously.. money is important but it dun bring harm/burden


jlgoh9
post Apr 19 2011, 11:24 AM

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it really depends on the family... but if you can't afford it, negotiate... but usually the ping kam will pass back to the couple... negotiate until everyone is satisfied..we want a happy ending wedding... not a wedding that will make us long face each time we meet...
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post Apr 19 2011, 11:33 AM

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QUOTE(samantha88 @ Feb 18 2010, 11:52 PM)
heard from friend, one of our ex-schoolmate faced the same situation as TS. In the end, she fork out the Ping Kam from her own account.

To me, it's not the money that matters, since 6K is not really that much. Is whether your future "family" is willing to take you as one of them and give out unconditionally.
When they can be so calculative over Ping Kam, you already know what's waiting ahead for you.

Sometimes, the amount of Ping Kam the girl's parents ask for is not because they see their daughther as an "investment transfer". They are actually testing the guys & also his family, testing the way they will treat their daughter.
More often or not, the girl's parent will only take part of the Ping Kam ( like 888, 2888) & the remaining they wil give back to the daughther, so that she got some money in hand if anything happpens in the future
*
This is not testing or not testing issue here. the facts is very clear that girl site money minded. If a girl site hope the daughter can get a good husband or not. how bout if i giv u 10k 20k then after that i dump ur girl? is the same.

If a parents wish their daughter to live happy and should not force them and tight them with this rules and regulations. Give them decide since they already big enough. wedding = already grown up and learn to have a family.
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post Apr 19 2011, 11:43 AM

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I REALLY don't agree with this "let's ask for this much to test him" business.
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post Apr 19 2011, 11:25 PM

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QUOTE(samurai1337 @ Feb 18 2010, 08:00 PM)
I understand your situation (although I'm a guy). I am lucky that this didn't happen to me when I was getting married (instead, my mother-in-law only took small part of the given ping kam as hou yi tou)

Maybe I'm biased, and I'm on your hubby family side.. or rather I don't really like Chinese tradition and the social norm - they REALLY like to compare (everything, from the location, amount of ping kam, wedding photographer yada yada). I think that couples should just spend what they can afford rather than overspending just to prove that the husband is not stingy.

Parents sometimes have to understand that they demand a lot of money from their future son-in-law, but end up both daughter and son-in-law suffering

Anyway... I suggest the following:

- Try talking to your parents (yes, unluckily it IS your responsibility since they are your parents), explaining that both of you have already spent a lot and why at this moment it isn't feasible to give 6k. Do not say provoking statements like "It's not selling daughter" though

- Try to propose something that you and your hubby can afford. Maybe something like 2888 or 3888

- To be frank, 6k isn't that much. But as you're both short of cash, maybe ask your parents if your hubby can pay that 6k some time later instead of now. Otherwise, go for Personal Loan

I hope it helps, and I wish you all the best
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post Apr 24 2011, 10:35 AM

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RM 6K consider cheap jor la.... i heard the rate should be RM8K...

about the piggy, chicken and other thingy is required how ur family deal with them la...


Gary1981
post Apr 26 2011, 02:21 PM

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Mine is RM10k inclusive everything, pig, biscuits, & etc. No any tables required by them.
tech3910
post Apr 26 2011, 07:30 PM

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wen i get married, i wont b following chinese custom, tradition & rules....

if my parents in law ask for ping kam, i'll say no.
i just bare all the wedding fees, & dats dat.

if dey insist wan ping kam, i'll say...."ok, since u put it dis way, meaning u selling ur daughter.....how much u wan? i just hav 1 rule, u'll nvr see her again bcoz u sold her...."
leongal
post Apr 26 2011, 10:36 PM

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QUOTE(Winning11 @ Apr 17 2011, 10:10 AM)
question.

what do we guys have to give to the parents during 'guo dai lai'?

both of our parents are the super casual type. and her parents are not taking the pork and all the fancy2 stuff as my wife is of mixed parentage

or i just pass them a cheque?? tongue.gif

and no. it is just a small amount of appreciation. not until rm10k sweat.gif
*
just do a direct transfer to their bank account

and since they are not fussy, save the hassle on the guo dai lai - no need to buy - save money too.
xecton
post Apr 27 2011, 01:05 AM

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QUOTE(tech3910 @ Apr 26 2011, 07:30 PM)
wen i get married, i wont b following chinese custom, tradition & rules....

if my parents in law ask for ping kam, i'll say no.
i just bare all the wedding fees, & dats dat.

if dey insist wan ping kam, i'll say...."ok, since u put it dis way, meaning u selling ur daughter.....how much u wan? i just hav 1 rule, u'll nvr see her again bcoz u sold her...."
*
That is some big mighty talk. Let's hope your future wife will be supportive if it ever come to it.

One thing though, since you plan to bear all the wedding cost, do you intend to keep the angpows from the bride's side?
If not, then that is also the ping kam already.
tech3910
post Apr 27 2011, 01:49 AM

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QUOTE(xecton @ Apr 27 2011, 01:05 AM)
That is some big mighty talk. Let's hope your future wife will be supportive if it ever come to it.

One thing though, since you plan to bear all the wedding cost, do you intend to keep the angpows from the bride's side?
If not, then that is also the ping kam already.
*
i dun intend to get any presents or ang pau from my guest.
but if dey wan giv, dats optional.
who dey wanna giv, dats up to dem.
xecton
post Apr 28 2011, 09:15 AM

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QUOTE(tech3910 @ Apr 27 2011, 01:49 AM)
i dun intend to get any presents or ang pau from my guest.
but if dey wan giv, dats optional.
who dey wanna giv, dats up to dem.
*
So you do plan to give pingkam to your in-laws, in the form of tables.
tech3910
post Apr 28 2011, 10:51 AM

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QUOTE(xecton @ Apr 28 2011, 09:15 AM)
So you do plan to give pingkam to your in-laws, in the form of tables.
*
nah....
i'm not gonna do all this chinese wedding dinner thing....
xecton
post Apr 28 2011, 02:24 PM

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QUOTE(tech3910 @ Apr 28 2011, 10:51 AM)
nah....
i'm not gonna do all this chinese wedding dinner thing....
*
Even if my friend says its a non-traditional wedding, I would still give angpow.

You know what, I totally understand where you are coming from.
But when the time comes, remember to look at the big picture (which is not giving in to all the in-laws' demands).
tech3910
post Apr 28 2011, 03:17 PM

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QUOTE(xecton @ Apr 28 2011, 02:24 PM)
Even if my friend says its a non-traditional wedding, I would still give angpow.

You know what, I totally understand where you are coming from.
But when the time comes, remember to look at the big picture (which is not giving in to all the in-laws' demands).
*
Giving present or ang pau (i prefer giv present) when attenting wedding, it's kinda like good manner.
Not a must, but it looks good.

If ever gog married, it will be "our wedding", as in me & my future wife.
Sorry parents, srg future in laws, it's not ur wedding..
vandoren
post Apr 30 2011, 11:54 AM

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QUOTE(tech3910 @ Apr 26 2011, 07:30 PM)
wen i get married, i wont b following chinese custom, tradition & rules....

if my parents in law ask for ping kam, i'll say no.
i just bare all the wedding fees, & dats dat.

if dey insist wan ping kam, i'll say...."ok, since u put it dis way, meaning u selling ur daughter.....how much u wan? i just hav 1 rule, u'll nvr see her again bcoz u sold her...."
*
when i'm reading this, i'm really wondering how old are you?
if you really tell the same words to them, you are like threatening them.
if your future partner's parents insists wish to have it, maybe not a big amount of money,
maybe just as a token of appreciation to thank the parents for taking care of their daughter.
nothing can be perfect, that's why before marry, need to sit down to discuss with both side parents,
have a mutual agreement how to make the wedding.


Added on April 30, 2011, 12:05 pm
QUOTE(tech3910 @ Apr 28 2011, 03:17 PM)
Giving present or ang pau (i prefer giv present) when attenting wedding, it's kinda like good manner.
Not a must, but it looks good.

If  ever gog married, it will be "our wedding", as in me & my future wife.
Sorry parents, srg future in laws, it's not ur wedding..
*
maybe you are really rich or earning a lot
i calculated, a standard wedding cost about 25K++ (include wedding photo, wedding ring, buffet at house.. etc)
which haven't include wedding dinner which easily cost another 20K++
so, for normal couple like us, need the guest's angpow to help to cover some of the cost of wedding dinner



This post has been edited by vandoren: Apr 30 2011, 12:05 PM
tech3910
post Apr 30 2011, 12:46 PM

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QUOTE(vandoren @ Apr 30 2011, 11:54 AM)
when i'm reading this, i'm really wondering how old are you?
if you really tell the same words to them, you are like threatening them.
if your future partner's parents insists wish to have it, maybe not a big amount of money,
maybe just as a token of appreciation to thank the parents for taking care of their daughter.
nothing can be perfect, that's why before marry, need to sit down to discuss with both side parents,
have a mutual agreement how to make the wedding.


Added on April 30, 2011, 12:05 pm

maybe you are really rich or earning a lot
i calculated, a standard wedding cost about 25K++ (include wedding photo, wedding ring, buffet at house.. etc)
which haven't include wedding dinner which easily cost another 20K++
so, for normal couple like us, need the guest's angpow to help to cover some of the cost of wedding dinner
*
parents sometimes can really b a burden.
if parents hav enough money left for rest of their lives, dey shouldn't burden their children by asking money sommore.
so call taking care of money for children is bullshit, we're not kid any more.
the more money the children hav, the more likely he/she is to success @ career.

if future parents in law insist wan ping kam as token of appreciation, den fine, i'll giv.
but little do they know, i'm gonna minus the ping kam bck out from supposedly monthly allowance they r getting from me.
eg, supposedly, i play to giv in laws 500/m. dey insist ping kam, ok, i'll then quietly drop the allowance to 300 - 400 a month.

i calculated dat my future wedding (if there is any), would cost triple digits......
vandoren
post Apr 30 2011, 10:17 PM

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QUOTE(tech3910 @ Apr 30 2011, 12:46 PM)
parents sometimes can really b a burden.
if parents hav enough money left for rest of their lives, dey shouldn't burden their children by asking money sommore.
so call taking care of money for children is bullshit, we're not kid any more.
the more money the children hav, the more likely he/she is to success @ career.

if future parents in law insist wan ping kam as token of appreciation, den fine, i'll giv.
but little do they know, i'm gonna minus the ping kam bck out from supposedly monthly allowance they r getting from me.
eg, supposedly, i play to giv in laws 500/m. dey insist ping kam, ok, i'll then quietly drop the allowance to 300 - 400 a month.

i calculated dat my future wedding (if there is any), would cost triple digits......
*
sorry to offense
you are selfish to me
when we were small, will our parents ever think that we are their burden?
when they are old now, they become burden to us?
i understand some folks nagging a lot and sometimes very stubborn, but still, they are our parents.
so do our couple's parents, we should respect them, same as we respect our couple.
ItsMyUsername
post May 1 2011, 12:06 AM

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QUOTE(tech3910 @ Apr 28 2011, 03:17 PM)
If  ever gog married, it will be "our wedding", as in me & my future wife.
Sorry parents, srg future in laws, it's not ur wedding..
*
You will never know until you become a parent.

This post has been edited by ItsMyUsername: May 1 2011, 12:47 AM
uest91
post May 1 2011, 12:45 AM

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Seriously, rm500 per month ? Buying food, go pasar and pay all the bills enough ka ?
My bro already giving my mom rm500 per month now.

We don't need to pay for the cars and 2 houses but it's still not enough.
My mom go pasar buy pork meat already spent at least Rm50+, what about the fish ? the vegetables ? Rice ?
Go Carefour buy daily use stuff already Rm200+

House got dogs ? Like mine, I got 4, dog food ? Shampoo ?
When we sick go clinic see doctor ?

Rm500 ?? Seriously, damn little la, somemore want to cut it until Rm300-400.

rock_Edwin
post May 1 2011, 11:04 PM

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Wth? 1888 2888 888!? is shit -.-''
Yong_5290
post May 2 2011, 07:08 AM

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Me 7 years back also give 8888 lo...and tot it was 'standard'....dint know got lower 1...zzz
uest91
post May 2 2011, 04:15 PM

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My mom 20 years ago, ping kam also 5k d...
xecton
post May 2 2011, 04:19 PM

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QUOTE(uest91 @ May 2 2011, 04:15 PM)
My mom 20 years ago, ping kam also 5k d...
*
So how much do you want your future husband to pay for you?
How much do you think you are worth?
sfwong1
post May 2 2011, 04:41 PM

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ts im on your side,my mom married 20 years ago ping kam also rm4k back then,rm4k back there is alot of money somemore my father also not that rich that time,but what to do love ma. i think rm6k is ok cos KL rate is like that,its not about the money or sell daughter cos this is the tradition unless both side agree that the tradition can void then its ok
uest91
post May 2 2011, 05:02 PM

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QUOTE(xecton @ May 2 2011, 04:19 PM)
So how much do you want your future husband to pay for you?
How much do you think you are worth?
*
No need smile.gif
My parents not so chinese traditional 1 because last time they were forced to do a lot of things that they don't like so they do not want us to be like that too.

tech3910
post May 2 2011, 05:08 PM

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QUOTE(vandoren @ Apr 30 2011, 10:17 PM)
sorry to offense
you are selfish to me
when we were small, will our parents ever think that we are their burden?
when they are old now, they become burden to us?
i understand some folks nagging a lot and sometimes very stubborn, but still, they are our parents.
so do our couple's parents, we should respect them, same as we respect our couple.
*
no offence, just a little miss understanding......
wat i mention earlier is dat "it is selfish for parents to request money from children even if dey already hav well enough money". <------ dis is burden
but if parents do need your money to live on, dats different story, dat is part of the responsibility of kids to feed & giv money to parents (including in laws). <-------dis is responsibility, not burden


Added on May 2, 2011, 5:11 pm
QUOTE(uest91 @ May 1 2011, 12:45 AM)
Seriously, rm500 per month ? Buying food, go pasar and pay all the bills enough ka ?
My bro already giving my mom rm500 per month now.

We don't need to pay for the cars and 2 houses but it's still not enough.
My mom go pasar buy pork meat already spent at least Rm50+, what about the fish ? the vegetables ? Rice ?
Go Carefour buy daily use stuff already Rm200+

House got dogs ? Like mine, I got 4, dog food ? Shampoo ?
When we sick go clinic see doctor ?

Rm500 ?? Seriously, damn little la, somemore want to cut it until Rm300-400.
*
500 is just a quick example that slip out, there r many factors take into count, such as:

1) do parents has som sorts of income after retired? (such as rent, bond)
2) how many sibling u hav. (of coz, more siblings mean average will b less per person)
3) whether u live wit parents o not. (or ur if dey take care of ur kids)

so conclusion not every family is like urs.


Added on May 2, 2011, 5:14 pm
QUOTE(Yong_5290 @ May 2 2011, 07:08 AM)
Me 7 years back also give 8888 lo...and tot it was 'standard'....dint know got lower 1...zzz
*
dis whole "standard" thing is still stupid.....
in the end, it's all about 'air muka' again......"see every1, my daughter is expensive, coz she's pretty, good, & got class"
bragging tools to frens & relatives again....


Added on May 2, 2011, 5:15 pm
QUOTE(uest91 @ May 2 2011, 05:02 PM)
No need smile.gif
My parents not so chinese traditional 1 because last time they were forced to do a lot of things that they don't like so they do not want us to be like that too.
*
good for u....
i like the way ur parents think.

This post has been edited by tech3910: May 2 2011, 05:15 PM
Gary1981
post May 4 2011, 08:43 AM

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@tech3910

No offense. IMHO, what is a value for selling a child to a parents would you think?It may be 1k, or 10k or even 100k or even 1million? When a parents let a guy married their daughter, what is their feelings especially for their mum? Will my daughter will be good after married?Do you know the ping kam they got may return back to their daughter or perhaps saved it for their daughter case need it in future?

However, it depends on your capability in term of $$ to give to your parents.


Added on May 4, 2011, 8:48 am
QUOTE(Winning11 @ Apr 17 2011, 10:10 AM)
question.

what do we guys have to give to the parents during 'guo dai lai'?

both of our parents are the super casual type. and her parents are not taking the pork and all the fancy2 stuff as my wife is of mixed parentage

or i just pass them a cheque?? tongue.gif

and no. it is just a small amount of appreciation. not until rm10k sweat.gif
*
I will write them a cheque for the agreed ping kam. And a ear ring from my mum for my wife. Will expedite this coming end May.smile.gif

This post has been edited by Gary1981: May 4 2011, 08:48 AM
xecton
post May 4 2011, 09:55 AM

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QUOTE(Gary1981 @ May 4 2011, 08:43 AM)
@tech3910

No offense. IMHO, what is a value for selling a child to a parents would you think?It may be 1k, or 10k or even 100k or even 1million? When a parents let a guy married their daughter, what is their feelings especially for their mum? Will my daughter will be good after married?Do you know the ping kam they got may return back to their daughter or perhaps saved it for their daughter case need it in future?

However, it depends on your capability in term of $$ to give to your parents.
*
No offense Gary, but I find your reasoning for pingkam very demeaning and disrespectful to the groom, not to mentioned stupid and worthless.

You talked about the feelings of the mum when marrying her daughter.
You are not being specific but I'll assume that you mean the concerns and worries the mum will have about how the bride's life will be upon her marriage.
Now that is fine, but how is money going to elevate the concerns?
A rich but useless guy can pay a lot, a poor nice guy cannot. So it the rich guy going to be a better husband?
No, the mum (or parents) should already know the groom from the dating stage. That should be how the parents determine how good a person the groom is. Not with money (unless all they care about is money).
And the other reasoning you have about saving those money for their daughter, why is there a need for that?
Why can't the bride and groom save their own money? If they can't do that on their own, then they shoulnd't get married in the first place.

Are we still living in the age where the daugthers stay at home until suitors come knocking for the hand in marriage? When parents know nothing of the guy except for what the matchmaker said about him. Where money will measure the groom's family standing.

I am surprised that despite being the internet generation, the youngsters are still so mindlessly traditional.
Gary1981
post May 4 2011, 11:21 AM

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@xecton

"what is a value for selling a child to a parents would you think?It may be 1k, or 10k or even 100k or even 1million?"

Apologize for not being specific. My above phrase is meant to people that comment the ping kam that request from the parents are relation to selling their daughter. To sell a child is not only abt 10k, 100k or whatever. There are no specific value to raise a child.
tech3910
post May 4 2011, 12:14 PM

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QUOTE(Gary1981 @ May 4 2011, 08:43 AM)
@tech3910

No offense. IMHO, what is a value for selling a child to a parents would you think?It may be 1k, or 10k or even 100k or even 1million? When a parents let a guy married their daughter, what is their feelings especially for their mum? Will my daughter will be good after married?Do you know the ping kam they got may return back to their daughter or perhaps saved it for their daughter case need it in future?

However, it depends on your capability in term of $$ to give to your parents.
*
non taken, i'm very open to advice, idea or criticism.

the bolded part, dis is the excuse most widely use.....
but most of the time, in the end....."$ cannot bring in coffin, y dont i just gamble it b4 i die".

Gary......marriage is not selling or buying daughter.......it is the bonding of 2 individuals.
if it is selling, den meaning after he married the girl & giv ping kam, den he has total control on her & even can restrict her from seeing her families ever again?

this is not the old days any more.
wen the guy married the girl, he al bear the responsibility of taking care of the in laws as well, including financial.
asking for ping kam, is like the story of killing the chicken who lays golden eggs.

This post has been edited by tech3910: May 4 2011, 12:16 PM
xecton
post May 4 2011, 02:31 PM

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QUOTE(Gary1981 @ May 4 2011, 11:21 AM)
@xecton

"what is a value for selling a child to a parents would you think?It may be 1k, or 10k or even 100k or even 1million?"

Apologize for not being specific. My above phrase is meant to people that comment the ping kam that request from the parents are relation to selling their daughter. To sell a child is not only abt 10k, 100k or whatever. There are no specific value to raise a child.
*
The discussion is not moving on coherently, but never mind....
So in response to your answer, what is the pingkam for?
jusco1
post May 4 2011, 03:17 PM

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it is depends on your affordability.
wat is the point of asking 10 - 20k if the guy family cant afford.
the parents will only make the new couple suffer....
SUSstinky
post May 1 2014, 07:46 PM

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Hello,
What is the recent market rate for ping kam in KL/Pj now?
kitt2000
post Jan 4 2025, 07:54 PM

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Hi TS. I just stumbled this. It's 2025 now .just wondering if u're still happily married or divorced ??
Blofeld
post Jan 11 2025, 08:51 AM

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lol why necro this old thread

looking back, i just realise the young generation are still believing in this tradition.

luckily, i didnt have to go through this in my marriage.

looking at this thread and looking at a high number of ppl supporting TS, no wonder other communities put a negative stereotype on the chinese community and associating it with money, money, and money.

As a chinese also, i feel ashamed how some can just think about money, money, and money only.

 

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