Over the years, I've encountered cases of guys (friends and acquaintances-- not strangers) confessing to me after years of stalking me on social media. I didn't even know these secret admirers existed until they suddenly messaged me and asked if I was single and looking for a relationship.

When I gave them a chance to know each other better, they were excited... then they'd start overthinking... then they'd get insecure... and went quiet.

I was like ??? what's wrong with these guys???

For the context, these guys had been single for years + had prior failed relationships or had never been in a relationship before. Usually, I just leave them alone to process their own feelings, but honestly, I'm quite curious why this happens.

Why would a guy suppress himself so much when the girl he likes is single, available and is open to exploring a relationship together?

macam girl reject pun salah, accept pun salah. Then might as well the guy doesn't confess if he can't proceed??

Confusing behaviour to women.

==============================================

TL;DR (updated 25 Sept 2024)

- Some guys are inexperienced with girls and have fearful-avoidant traits.
- Some guys just wanna play and don't want anything serious.
- Some guys pursue the girls successfully, but don't know how to handle the girls.

These are the common reasons for guys' confusing behaviours.

This post has been edited by Ralna: Sep 25 2024, 10:17 PM

when you go to the bar, the likelihood to meet a librarian there is super low.
when you meet guys from the net, we shd know what we could get.
The best we can expect is, knowing someon1 new....odd or normal person, that is totally based on luck.
be it 99% odd guys, 1% normal ppl...

anyway, guy mentality is more like
"Well, i will try my best"
"Well, I tried"
"Well, next"
no hard feeling

This post has been edited by taitianhin: Sep 14 2024, 01:52 AM

My bad for not being clear. I'm referring to guy friends/acquaintances who are on my FB for years, not some random strangers.

We studied at the same university/high school/came from same hometown, and we didn't get to talk much... basically we stayed friends on FB for years with no contact, but suddenly they'd appear 10-18 years later to tell me they liked me.

That's why I didn't reject but kept an open attitude, but their behaviour confused me.

Haha I might be able to answer that. There are girls who I like since high schools, there are some of the best girls I know... I didn't pursue them because I was busy with studies and parents don't allow love relationships that young while still in school. Some times after high schools or unis we lose contact for a few years, but I am still looking around for the ONE. So you start aiming for girls around you, download and install dating apps, hang out with girls...

You tried this, tried that...

Then you realize hmm, 2 months back this high school classmate of mine who connected with me on LinkedIn (she sent the invitation), maybe I should drop her a message and check things out...

And after hanging out for some time, it worked!

----------------------------------

In short, some times real life issue kicks in... and sometimes, parents say no to love at young age etc. For my case it's just 4-5 years after high schools, after graduating from uni and starting my PhD earning my first dollar that I know I am ready to start a family... Some guys might take a long time...

But in any case, I think you are married right lol I remember you mentioned that in one of your old post here...

Can u explain why you concluded that the guys started overthinking and started being insecure?

Maybe its something u said or did (or did not do).

Ahh, I see... so guys do uhh search their existing contacts for available girls huh.

No, I'm not married yet. Was engaged but he called off due to his own issues. Then my secret admirers started appearing one by one... and they confused me. LOL.

this might be their last appearance in your life
when time goes by, people start departing. dead of alive
so, make the best out of it.
try more if you see fits, just ignore when you felt wrong.

Is your life

I'll give an example.

Recently, there was guy from my university who asked to be in a relationship with me, and I said yes, I'd give him a chance to get to know each other better.

Then he asked if we could get physically intimate (non-sexual, e.g. holding hands, hugging, cuddling). I said yeah, if we caught feelings for each other, we should just follow the natural flow.

Then he started overthinking: what happens if we can't control ourselves and we have xxx?

Then he started worrying about his 'performance' because he was single for years and couldn't 'last' that long.

In total, he initiated meeting me 3 times, but also cancelled 3 times, then he went MIA.

Me:

We haven't even started dating yet, and he's already thinking soooooooooo far ahead.

He works as an analyst. So, to me, it's more like his own overthinking/insecurity issues rather than my own...



This post has been edited by Ralna: Sep 14 2024, 01:54 PM

Yea, we guys do search for old contacts... After all we know the girls back in those places and they know us. There's more trust in them compared to the one you hit up randomly on dating apps

Oh the engagement's off... Sorry to heard that. You must be very pretty in real life for so many admirers to come after you...

Let me add a potential new one for you: Ramjade He's gonna teach you how to trade options... beware lol

Hmm... you seem quite open. I also think far ahead like him except I can control myself far better than him Since it happens naturally, you both should talk it out. I think he's a little anxious after being single for too long. A responsible man should be able to control his urges and desires and let things happen naturally.

But his MIA and cancellation show lack of sincerity so yea, you shouldn't bother with him too much. You can see the commitment is not there. Only invest your time in men who's worth your time.

Scared of rejection ma. For me, I won't overthink. I just go with the flow. If it works, it works.

I have done that. They reject, I don't care. Just move on. Lol. For me, better to try girls around me. If cannot find, then move to dating app lo.

TOS why did you tagged me. Lol.

This post has been edited by Ramjade: Sep 14 2024, 04:09 PM

Unfortunately, guys are not taught dating by parents and at school. Everything is self learning, from friends and movies etc (which are usually not good sources esp movies). So do expect weird stuff esp from inexperienced guys.

In your case this guy seem a bit weirder than normal. Probably very insecure person. Maybe he does have performance issues due to health or physcological reasons. This type probably need more reassurances from the girl.

Let me check with my analyst friends 🤣 . They are usually quite nerdy types and very intellectual. Good ones can earn quite good $$$.

Guys are like prince/knights/explorers

Girls are like princess in the castle.

So, the guys will explore around la

If they find one who is available, they will try to court la.

If got rejected, then just move on to another one.

this is obviously just someone who have never courted a girl or ever got into a relationship before.

Yeah, I was sad when my ex couldn't proceed. We're still friends but seldom talk now. & thanks for your compliment.

The new guy... he said he was looking for something casual, but his overthinking/withdrawal pattern made me feel like there's more underneath his façade.

As I have just returned to being single again for several months now, I'm not desperate to start another new relationship yet. I have made it clear to the new guy, but I dunno why he still overthinks. I thought I'd have a new casual bf to hold hands, cuddle and hug (which he suggested)... but my bubbles burst. LOL.

He's tall, lengzai and accomplished leh. Ticks all my checkboxes but haih...

Anyway, I'm giving him time and space for his emotions to settle down, and will see if he replies to me after that.

This post has been edited by Ralna: Sep 14 2024, 05:40 PM

Yeah, I know he's inexperienced, but I didn't know he'd be this anxious. I already reassured him but still haiz...

He's on my Facebook, so I will post some interesting stuff to intrigue him, including some hot-looking and pretty photos.

haha I like your last lines. I've gone out with highly intelligent men before (including an operations management scientist); usually they're kinda cute as they blush and feel awkward around girls, and I like to tease such guys. hehe

Yeah, he was so 'excited' during our first week together. We were super hot with each other online.

Then, in the second week... he MIA pulak. Potong stim. Haih.

Anyway, I muted him and uhh archived our chat. Not gonna be so available to him anymore. Will only layan him when he's serious again.

He's still on my FB and knows where I live, so if he's sincere and serious, he'll do something about it. If not... k thx bye. Sien.

This post has been edited by Ralna: Sep 14 2024, 06:01 PM

these are often beta males or orbiters who use relationship as an excuse to get to know a female. They often dont know how to be a player and be honest about it

so when these guys dont have much experiences with women, often times they will eject when they face objections

Somehow, I attract lone wolves and virgin males who run away when things get hotter between us. I think it's more like they can't take the emotional intensity and vulnerability of gradually falling in love with a woman.

& it's not like I approach them first, so I always feel puzzled (and a bit annoyed) when guys express interest and then disappear due to their own inner issues.

---

Here's another story of what happened in 2022, with another guy:

There was this guy who was strongly attracted to me on our first meeting. Our mutual friend could feel the strong chemistry between us, like sparks all over with eyes locked on each other and everything else faded away in the background. Our friend introduced us to each other as she felt we were compatible and was trying to matchmake us, and also she wanted to help me get a biz coach/life coach, so this guy was ideal.

The coaching contract was for 4 months, which my friend paid for behind my back and the guy also pushed me to accept my friend's kindness, so I accepted and started attending his group coaching. We met online every morning with other 3-6 members around, but often, he would notice me a lot although I seldom talked.

As his life coaching process involved sharp questions and honest answers, often, female participants would cry a while, and he was okay with that. However, whenever I shed tears, he was emotionally disturbed. In the end, he got so burnt out and prematurely terminated our coaching contract. He was just one month into coaching me, so my friend was upset and confronted him. It turned out he was trying so hard to hide and deny his feelings for me, and after that confrontation, he got sick with high fever for 3 days. He then shut his coaching programme some time later.

A year later, another biz friend tried to matchmake us again. I was like erm... roughly told her what happened, and she said wahhh he's quite a tough guy and I could affect him so much, which meant I was so special to him. She asked me to give him a chance again.

Yeah right, but this guy is emotionally unavailable and keeps reiterating on social media that he doesn't want any relationship and he will stay single for the rest of his life. Voluntary celibacy.

Sometimes, our mutual friend and I thought what a good bf/husband he could have been if he could open up himself to love a woman, but sadly, he couldn't.

This post has been edited by Ralna: Sep 14 2024, 08:28 PM

A lot of times, people just dont want extra feelings when dealing with business or friendship plus intimacy. They often cant switch their role freely so when you communicate with them, there will be this stifling and heavy energy around them

It could be a trauma when a guy cannot fully express his intent towards a female. There are number of factors, ie he was heavily judged by his father or constantly being nagged by mom that he's a useless human being, that may escalate into a physical dispute

he was likely being shamed that sex is bad and unnatural
a man who understands women wont easily verbalize this kind of thought, cause we just live in present moment and go for the sex closure

I'm impressed with how spot on your are with your analysis. Yes, indeed, that coach guy has childhood trauma and bad relationship with his parents.


I'm not sure if it's because I'm experienced (with my ex) while he isn't (no gf before). So, this probably gives him anxiety and high self-expectations of 'performance'. I had to comfort him by saying uhh 'practice' makes perfect.

Also, maybe, I think I might have unintentionally triggered him by asking this: "Assuming we do get along well, are you into marriage and children? Just wanna know if you're looking for companionship only or something more. Then I can set the right expectations. Some guys I met before didn't want to have further commitments."

His reply was he dunno yet and didn't think of it before.

& in our uhh rather 'hot and spicy' video call, I told him about the Kegel exercises that I did to strengthen my pelvic muscles to be able to 'grab' tightly and prepare well for giving birth. I said I started doing the exercises because my ex-fiancé and I were planning to have children back then. I was just honestly stating things as they were (not targeting at this guy), but on hindsight, I think I might have unintentionally caused this analyst guy to think far, farrrrr, farrrrrrrr into the future. Oops!

His behaviour is so confusing to me because I thought we had initially agreed to non-sexual physical intimacy first; he asked and I accepted. Now he's avoiding me -- from super boiling hot to MIA 3 days now. He did say he couldn't tahan around me la... too hot for him. (I took it as a compliment )

I'm thinking probably uncharted territory scares him, and he needs the time to digest new possibilities. After all, both of us are in our mid-thirties, single and compatible in many aspects-- I bet this is why he pursued me, but he probably got more than he bargained for.

Haih. Didn't expect to potong stim halfway and get so puzzled and unsettled by his behaviour. Anyway, I understand he might need his time and space apart to process his emotions. Male brain operates differently from female's.

This post has been edited by Ralna: Sep 15 2024, 01:52 AM

He wants sex but too scared to said he wants sex. Likely want no commitment but don't want to say it in case you run away. So he decided to do the running away first. Form what I gathered la.

This post has been edited by Ramjade: Sep 15 2024, 12:08 PM

He said he didn't want anything serious yet, and I said okay coz I was still kinda hurt from my previous relationship, so we both agreed it's just non-sexual physical companionship at the moment.

then the next thing he asked was about sxx... and I said I was open to sxx if I liked him enough to do it and both of us were ready.

so I dunno why he ran away. His words and behaviour contradicted each other. Initiated 3 times and cancelled 3 times, and then MIA.

I thought V males should be happy to have found a new gf but turned out he disappeared pulak... lack of confidence? too good to be true?? afraid to make mistakes???

Really confusing to me until I couldn't sleep properly in the past few days.

Anyway, I've decided to just put this aside and move on. Maybe he's just not in the right state at current. If he and I are meant to be, we will be.

This post has been edited by Ralna: Sep 15 2024, 02:24 PM

2 cases only. The year 2022 case was an isolated case.

The recent guy, you scared him off. He came with the intention of casual relationship but you bombed him with so many pre-qualifications related to responsibility/commitment.

Since he managed to make you became sleepless for last few days, instead of guessing & thinking what he thinks, why not create more chances of exposure to increase the probability of yourself bumping him at the street / town & see how thing goes from there?

I'm not sure if this is relevant but hopefully it is not. It is norm for the female of the extreme spectrum to the right of the bell curve (9/10 ~ 10/10) to attract the wide range of the males sample. Being attracted is 1 thing, having the abilities to handle female they are attracted is another separate thing.

There is an ancient Chinese's proverb that sound like "to guard a precious tressure, you must have the strength/capabilities or else it will invites calamity". If the male do not think they are worthy, naturally they will back off after measuring their own capabilities.

The female being at this position would not be a pleasant one. Being able to attract the males so easily can be annoying, at the same time will cause the insecurity to partner who are not capable enough. In short, it is easy to spark a conflict within relationship. Lone wolf's character will not be attracted to the item / object that will draws attention. Instead, the 1st thing the lone wolf will do, they distance themself away from such attribute, coz they do not want unnecessary attentions.

These thing was taught by grandparents or elders usually. Parent not qualify to lecture on this topic yet.

recalling lot of my memory by reading all these
there are stages when a guy approaching diff stages/ages in life
When he is in, he is in...
if he is in for the play...he would play

You're straight on point. Now, I re-think the whole situation... yeah, he asked to be my bf, but he's not ready to be my bf yet. Perhaps, he thought he could skip all the pre-intimacy process and go straight to the prize. Quite linear, singular and primal. He did say he's a simple, direct and honest man.

Part of our earlier conversation:

Him: Touch and hug tonight? Go to your house
Me: hmm... want some dinner and romance first... then if I like you enough... we can proceed further... ☺️
Him: Why so many criteria? Just chill la. And enjoy
Me: because I have standards and don't easily give myself to men 😉

That's when he started thinking of dinner and movie, etc.

I don't think I'm asking too much for some food and fun to turn me on.

---

My last few message to him: "You know, I’ve been thinking about our conversations, and I realized that maybe things are moving a bit quickly for us. I’ve noticed you've suggested meeting up a few times, but when it doesn’t happen, it reminds me of past experiences where plans were made but never followed through. I’m definitely open to seeing you, but I’d prefer if we make plans only when you're sure you're ready. That way, we can avoid any misunderstandings."

He seriously thought about it. In the end, he decided not to come to see me that night. He said maybe next time.

Me: I appreciate you informing me that. We meet next time then, when you're more comfortable/available. Good night.

Then, he disappeared for days.

---

He's quite a capable guy, with frequent appearance in the mass media. Not an ordinary guy; excellent in his studies and career. Leading expert. Tall, handsome, intelligent, well-built.

I did ask him why he chose me. He said he had no mutual feelings/ no mutual match with other girls. Many girls tried to seduce him, but he had no feelings for them; just couldn't get turned on. So, I guess he's a sapiosexual. I'm probably his first gf. Can be quite an intimidating experience since I'm an alpha female; feminine, intelligent and confident.

Now I think about it, it's a good thing that he disappears. He's on my FB and knows where I live. If he wants me, he pursues me. I'll see if he levels up his game to match me. Meanwhile, I'm gonna have some fun going out with my friends and meeting new guys. He can take as long as he wants to think about me/us.

yeah, I guess he wants to play, but I make him play at my terms. Otherwise, no game.

He can find other women who would easily open their legs. It's not like he doesn't have a choice. He does.

A lot of men use their professional lives as facades.

Which makes sense, its where they first gain respect, recognition and social status. However, most do not bring that back into their own character and other parts of their life. So they remain undeveloped in the areas they neglected.

The men that run from relationships are no different from the men who run away from sex. They are doing it out of fear of rejection. The rejection that will bring their entire worldview crashing because they're not "good enough". As empowering as sex is for men, it is equally devastating.

He wants to play, but is afraid to do so. After all, he doesn't know wtf he is doing. Completely unchartered territory, he would be scared handling a willing kitten. So even if handed to him on a silver platter he is not going to take it, and will use his high intellect to rationalise his actions without emasculating himself.

You on the other hand, are a hungry tiger. Is it any surprise he's bailed 3 times?

is not a good feelin in a long run on that path...
Aging chg a person physically, and mentally

but knowing new ppl is always nice..
getting along with good old fren are gr8 too...
you are still attach right? Appreciate what u hav yo

Quite sad, isn't it? Such a waste of good genes... and miss out the biggest fun that God has ever created for the male species.

Love and sex with the right woman can bring a man to his next level... which he can't achieve by being solo and DIY for the rest of his life.

Look at how Elon Musk is driven by his desires to breed as many women as he can, which makes him into the world's first ever trillionaire (soon) and possibily spreading his genes to colonise Mars. LOL.

We need more young, confident and ambitious men like Musk.

LOL. I like how you describe the situation... but I'm not a hungry tiger la; not fierce and tomboy at all... I'm soft-spoken and sweet, like a wild kitty. Meow~

Well, he offered to be my bf, so I accepted. He wanted non-sexual physical intimacy, and I accepted. He sounded like a playboy, but when it came to the real act... hmm... The more he flirted with me, the more he couldn't take the intensity. Too hot and spicy for him. Not nice to keep getting 'hard' and DIY; such a distraction at work. LOL.

Haiz. Really potong stim when he didn't come and sayang me over the long weekend. I hope he will soon.

He has to make his choice then; either miss the current boat or wait for the next one.

As for me, I tak jadi kahwin after 8 years together with the same guy. He's letting me go and I'm also tired of waiting for him.

I'm back to single and semi-available. Currently, I'm rebuilding my life and refining myself after the failed relationship. Will make myself available to the dating market next year. Fun to go on dates with new men again.

I'm 99% sure Musk's autism helps him deal with rejection

Please la, the "fiercest" tigers I know have all been very feminine

The more he flirt, the higher he raise the expectation on himself as well. Talk the talk, but couldn't walk the walk.

If you just want to have fun, just take charge and eat him la. If you want a relationship, then its only right to expect him to man up.

haha... your comment about Musk cracked me up. Well, he is a role model for all the autistic men out there... that all hope is not lost.

Musk is plain-looking, eccentric, workaholic, but can still get rich, woo women, breed them and fathered 12 children. Such a gospel to all men out there... that God didn't make women to be that picky.

Work hard, get rich, and you can have as many women and kids as you want. Best reward for 'hard' work.

---

Yeah, ignorance is bliss. He asked too much and I was too honest. I cut down a lot of details already but he still felt overwhelmed and ran away... so unexpected.

Haih. I don't wanna eat him up la... later have to be responsible for him as his first woman who uhh teaches him all the naughty stuff. I will only do with him if he's ready for commitment... which is why I agreed to his proposal of non-sexual physical intimacy. He isn't ready for anything serious yet.

Now that I recall, perhaps he's overthinking of moreeeeeee possibilities because I unintentionally revealed too much during our video call... I can be quite uhh 'dark' and didn't realise the impact it had on him... ter-spilled some 'black' beans in heated moments of passion... It's part of the fun for me, but probably mind-blowing for him. Maybe he's just as confused with his feelings as I did. Too hot until it burns.

Haih. Poor thing. I bet he's experiencing a roller-coaster of emotional highs and lows with me; probably excites and scares him at the same time. Unintended and unpredicted outcome.

Hope he'll be cool and confident again, and come back to sayang me. Dunno when it'll happen. You know, two days after our last conversation, I did text him to say I honestly miss him... and asked if he missed me... but he didn't even wanna read my message... no reply. After waiting for a day, I unsent the message. He saw the unsent notification/message (immediately online), but he still didn't text me. I was so unhappy why he pursued me then disappeared, but after posting in forum to get male perspectives, I kinda understand his behaviour better...

This post has been edited by Ralna: Sep 16 2024, 04:10 AM

Hahahahahahaha!!!!!! Biggest joke!!!!!!!

Wah Ramjade, I am so turned on by her words... especially that meow part... very seducing...

Are you not... Around your age but old for me liao

Looks like our type...

Huh, the story of real experienced player vs so-called player wanna be(the guy).

Btw, jehjeh, "Me: hmm... want some dinner and romance first... then if I like you enough" can further elaborate this dinner part and romance part?
PM also can.

Er not my type. I prefer girls who are serious only, want relationship. Sorry.

Looks like you missed some parts.

I am sure her inboxes are full of messages by now. You got the advantage of staying in Klang Valley for a physical meetup, I am far north here in Penang haha. Grab the chance man.

I read though everything. Still not interested.

Off you go baby, best wishes and best of luck as always.

I'm an ethical semi-player la. I don't play with guys' feelings nor take advantage of them, and I don't sleep around... but I like to tease and flirt with guys Good ma, make men happy after being so tensed up at work... and see them blush, smile and laugh. So cute, really.

As for dinner and romance ah... based on my previous experience going out with men, it can be fine dining with some wine/beer. There was this foreign guy who greeted me with a kiss on my hand like how a gentleman would greet a lady, and he complimented how beautiful I was, including noticing my eye colour. I really liked that and felt it was romantic.

Another one I had with my ex... was a night walk at the beach after some Western cuisine by the seaside. Feeling the breeze in the moonlight, just the two of us, holding hands and kissing each other passionately.

I do sports a lot, so once my man turns me on, I can 'play' with him for several hours nonstop--- if he can last that long la.

haha you're so adorable, really care for your bro ramjade a lot.

Well, most men whom I know of just want housewife or working mom type of women--- I call them the good girls: traditional, obedient and tolerant, like most of my female friends.

I'm far from these qualities that most men seek. I love thrills and adventures, I think out of the box, and I challenge the status quo. So... I'm not every man's cup of tea. I know and accept this fact long ago, and I feel okay about it.

I always believe it takes a special man to see and appreciate my depth, variety and multi-facets, but I have yet to meet such a man. I thought my ex was the one for me, but I grew too much and too fast while he was still stagnant, so we no longer match in our vibes and pace.

Ah well, I'll just keep having fun and living my best life, and leave the rest to God/universe to arrange.

Yes, that special man would be a submissive man. The one who will listen to you day and night, listening to your orders. If he is someone like Elon Musk, why would he be entertaining your whims and fancies in the long run? For the short-term, probably yes.

It's going to be very difficult to have two captains in a ship.

When you have two very dominant personalities in a relationship, there will be constant fights and arguments which eventually lead to a breakdown in the relationship.

That's why the traditional baby boomer relationship works well and tend to last long (eg. man goes to work and make household important decisions, woman takes care of household). And that is assuming the man is a hardworking man, not those abusive lazy type of man.

Or otherwise, the woman taking a lead in the relationship while the man be the househusband. But then again, not many women can accept that a man is less successful than her and this relationship usually breaks down as well.

You can see for yourself why many modern relationships don't last very long. For example, take a look at those examples where popular successful actors and actresses who got married which then usually ended in divorce.

This post has been edited by Blofeld: Sep 17 2024, 04:02 AM

These are general assumptions as a male. Here's a broader perspective: (It's long, but definitely thought-provoking especially for males.)

Using an analogy, think of Wonder Woman, or some DC/Marvel female heroines-- these are definitely alpha females whom most men won't take as housewives or working moms. For ease of discussion, let's just call them "strong women"-- feminine, sexy, intelligent, physically fit, agile, high status, powerful, etc.

Ordinary men cannot and dare not control such women, but let me tell you about another group of men who can: the alpha males. The strongest and the most confident men in the male population. The top 1-2%.

These men listen to strong women, because strong women don't nag nor fuss on petty stuff like ordinary women do. When strong women speak, they talk sense, not talk sh*t. Strong women are comrades and equal counterparts, and alpha males respect such women.

I've met alpha males, and my ex is one too. These men do not get intimidated by strong women. They are the top leaders and strongest hunters of their packs. They enjoy hunting strong prey, like a tigress, a lioness or a leopardess, tame them, and display them as their prized possessions in their captives.

That adrenaline rush in taming a strong woman, breaking her willpower to submit to you, and f*cking her damn hard till she begs to stop... can make a man blood boils like he's conquered an army. It is highly addictive because it is a testament to a man's prowess to hunt and tame a strong prey. Ordinary women who are as meek as lambs do not excite such men; too easy.

Men are biologically programmed to need sex and reproduce as many healthy and strong offspring, and having intercourse with some of the strongest women will produce the strongest offspring that will ensure the best genes get passed down.

This is especially true for ancient civilisations, such as the Spartans. Only the strong and fit men were able and allowed to reproduce, and Spartan women were strong and highly respected by Spartan males.

However, as human population increased after WWII (no major wars after that), the need to reproduce strong offspring has drastically declined, and the popular notion of romantic love in marriage diluted the pragmatic nature of marriage: to reproduce strong and healthy offspring in a secure and stable male-female partnership, approved by both families of equal status, resources and power.

Hypothesis: If mankind is endangered, men would, again, select strong females to reproduce. Strong mothers are able to give birth to strong offspring and survive all hardships.

*

From my observation, modern men have been emasculated due to a myriad of factors.

You can read this book: Of Boys and Men: Why the Modern Male Is Struggling, Why It Matters, and What to Do about It

which says: Boys and men are struggling. Profound economic and social changes of recent decades have many losing ground in the classroom, the workplace, and in the family. While the lives of women have changed, the lives of many men have remained the same or even worsened.

Economically independent women can now flourish whether they are wives or not. Wifeless men, by contrast, are often a mess. Compared to married men, their health is worse, their employment rates are lower, and their social networks are weaker.




“Hard times create strong men, strong men create good times, good times create weak men, and weak men create hard times.”
– G. Michael Hopf, USA Today bestselling author of post-apocalyptic fiction.

We are in good times, which is why there are more weak men now--- and these are the men who dislike strong women.

*

Lastly, respect is earned. You want a woman to listen to you, you earn her respect first.



Women are biologically programmed to respect strong men, adore them and submit to them.

So, if a man feels disrespected or overpowered by a woman, something is obviously wrong somewhere. Fix that, instead of blaming women. Weak men whine and blame, strong men refine and tame.

This post has been edited by Ralna: Sep 17 2024, 06:38 AM

Harsh reality is that biological clock is crucial for healthy offspring.....
Most good men / lady r high in demand and taken early

For me very simple. I have set of 6 non negotiables. They can't fulfill or have what I am looking for, next. In case you are wondering, they got nothing to do with if the girl is hot, good in bed, flirty, hot body.

My non negotiables are simple and hard to pass at the first same time. Lol.

First of them is frugality. This alone filter out lots of girls who only want to have fun and enjoy their life. I called it YOLO.

2nd after they have fulfilled the 6 non negotiables, I look for girls who will make my life easier and not make it harder. Stuff I pickup from one of my friend. Find someone who make your life easier.

I am simple guy who live a simple boring life so I don't need any excitement which turn off most girls as
1. They want excitement
2. They want to enjoy life (traveling, fine dining, cafe hopping)

This post has been edited by Ramjade: Sep 17 2024, 08:03 AM

TS, my very twisted opinion is he did not want to spend time to court you to into bed. Since you have demanded that you need movies, dinners, spend quality time before u will give in to intimacy. He must be thinking this takes too much time.
Better go for tinder chicks who bow to money immediately.

Also i have kool setori about men coming out of the woodwork suddenly and confessing. Might post at /k soon. Since got triggered by you.

Fertility preservation tech is highly advanced now. This is why it is best that one focuses on building wealth and career, so that one can afford this option if there's no luck in getting good man/woman yet.

As for where to find good men/women, it isn't that hard based on demographics, and if necessary, consider going international.

I believe in the law of attraction-- that the right thoughts and energy will attract what we want, and I believe that God/universe/fate will bring the right man to me. My role is to be fully ready to love him and accept his love when we finally meet. I don't know who he is yet, but I am preparing my next version of best self for him, and I actively socialise and upskill myself. When the time is right, he will appear.

Likewise, men should also have positive mindset and actions.

By turning off excitement in your life, you are restricting the feminine energy within you and the women you're seeing/pursuing. A man who are overly stoic and repressed will not know how to properly love a woman in the way she can feel loved.

Feminine energy is essential creative, vibrant, nurturing, free-flowing and life-giving. This is why women need to have fun and love to have fun, because when they don't, they become more masculine (out of balance), which is not good as it affects her self-esteem and her interpersonal relationships, and other areas of life.

When a man is out a balance with himself (too much yang, lack yin), he sucks away feminine energy from women, and it is tiring for a women to love such a man. Extremely tiring.

A loving man is a giver. An unloved man is a taker. We all like givers more than takers, or at least, matchers who give and take equally.

With that said, you can set as many conditions as you want-- we all have our own ideals, nothing wrong with that, BUT you have to be fair. If you take one thing away from women, you compensate in another way that she can accept and still feel nurtured/loved by you. It isn't fair to take only but don't give in return-- this is self-serving for own gains and interests... at the loss of women.

Just giving my perspective. I'm sure you have your fine qualities, but if you want the women you're looking for, do consider these factors.

This post has been edited by Ralna: Sep 17 2024, 12:02 PM

If that's the case, then I think I'm too 'expensive' for him. He's better off with cheap women whom he can easily get on Tinder, who can offer free sex without any pre-requisites.

Haha sure, do post. Would love to read.

Hahahahahahaha!!!!! Another joke!!!!!!!

Serious, "FEMALE IS WORST INVESTMENT FOR MALE"!!!!!!!!!!!!

The alpha/beta nomenclature needs to stop la

At the end of the day, its all about compatibility with your life goals. Neither should try to seek to control each other, but to work out a good dynamic that allows for proper decision making.

Typically it is said that the men are to lead the family, which means they make the final decision. However that doesn't mean there isn't a discussion beforehand. Biologically men are better at making hard choices without getting bogged down by anxiety. Which also means that the man, takes the accountability for the decision, if anything goes south, its his fault even if the suggestion came from the woman.

Now if the woman in the relationship is better at the decision making than the man, then the woman takes up the leadership role. If she's comfortable with that, then that's ok.

Everything you say here is true, but missing the other 1/2 of the picture.

After he's dominated you, then what? Do you become forever submissive to him? If you do, then you might lose that quality that attracted you to him. If you continuously challenge him, then it might become tiring in the long run, as if he's truly the "alpha" type; it means he has a target/goal in his life to achieve and you may become an impediment to that.

Then there's also your internal feelings to consider as well. All relationships reach a period of stability (you just got out of a long one, so you should know), and even within that there are different stages in life. The constant pleasure seeking and being free spirited works very well when you're young but will become a source of misery if you wish to start a family. Children will anchor you down heavily. The question is whether you can adapt, or whether your self-worth/identity is heavily tied to being a "free spirited strong woman"

Now that's not to say you can't have your cake and eat it too. Just be wary of how you define/identify with terms/labels/value. It affects your overall perception of the world and yourself.

For me I prioritise frugality above everything else. If she is not frugal, forget about it.

Why? I aim for FAT FIRE. I am already LEAN FIRE. If a woman hinders my journey towards FAT FIRE, no matter how attractive she is, I won't go for her. For me, a woman must complement a man and not make his life difficult.

After dating with many girls I disagree with this statement... modern day girls are not like our mothers from the 80s or 70s. Women's rights and that MeToo thingie are all over the place now. They deserve their enjoyment as much as men lah.

We should see woman as an accompaniment but not a means to an end to fulfill our goal... they are not our "tools", so to speak.

These days I try to keep an open mind and tolerate with different girl's behaviours. It makes my dating life easier and mor enjoyable as well.

Like my high school classmate brought me to badminton lessons and we dine together afterwards. Something new to explore for me and I indulge in the fun as well.

Then you happen to see the wrong girls. Of course they deserve their right to enjoy themselves. I always ask the girls can you survive suddenly if no job? Most of them avoid the answer to that question. For me very simple. What are your priorities? 2nd, you can't have everything. You need to give something to get something. Sacrifice. No free lunch. Unless born with a golden spoon.

For me, I can. I am looking for a woman who can also or working their way there.

I have seen some girls like that and because of that, I am not lowering my standard.

This post has been edited by Ramjade: Sep 17 2024, 03:46 PM

I believe TS is the queen type of lady who deserve a lasting relationship such as that of Michelle Yeoh with Jean Todt.

TS could be patient. The One who match TS vibes and soul, should be able to respect, love, nurture with a whole heart yet equally or stronger than TS , and most importantly, would be consistently extraordinary Steady towards TS.


Steady is very important.

Well said. Indeed most women these days can live well without guys, but I can't imagine my life without a wife... And yes, I will select "the strongest woman" to "reproduce". That biological instinct can't be denied. I am a Darwinist after all.

Oh and it seems now Takudan has a competitor in her essay writing competition in this subforum.

Nomenclature is necessary for quick classification of human mindset and behaviour. However, we should also acknowledge that human mindset and behaviour can be fluid and evolve or regress based on triggers, reactions and other factors.

As for myself, I am a mix of playfulness vs seriousness, dominance vs submission, freedom vs commitment, and other contrasting traits -- depends on how I balance my masculine and feminine energy to make the best blend; too much or too little of each trait isn't good.

Just like mixing liquor + syrup + citrus to make the perfect cocktail... it will taste heavenly when you hit the right ratio.

*

However, sometimes being out of balance is good but temporarily-- just like how I love to be playful now instead of being serious after getting out of a long-term relationship. If I am being serious right now, I will feel unhappy and sad that the relationship didn't work out... so, I need more fun and freedom in my life right now to keep myself feeling good instead of miserable.

When life gives you too much lemons until it's overly bitter and sour, add more sugar to make some tasty lemonade.

Thanks for your lovely compliment. You understand me well between the lines.

The new guy... he messaged me again yesterday after a week of no contact. I guess, after having some space and time apart, he has calmed down and thought of our relationship further. He seems more stable (not anxious anymore), and ready to allow his/our feelings to flow naturally...

Will see how things go...

Yes, balance is key

I've seen so many people become miserable because they tied certain aspects too strongly to their identity.

God has sent me to this thread. How do we get to know each other? 😝

LOL. What a smooth pick-up line. Something new to me. hahaha

Well, message me and see if God will matchmake you further.

Update:

He pissed me off when he requested to DIY together instead of meeting me in person. We're just 30-45 mins away from each other, and yet he popomama didn't wanna come and see me. Want cybersxx pulak.

In total, 5 times he initiated, 5 times he FFK (cancelled meeting me).

I finally exploded, and texted + voice messaged him how I felt: disappointed, sad, unloved and confused. I said he seemed so close yet so distant, and sometimes I wondered if he was just teasing me and playing with my feelings. I told him straight that I liked him, but I was also confused. I asked him directly how he felt towards me, and said that I needed time and space apart, and would only talk to him when I felt better again.

He read my messages and heard my voice message instantly (could see he's kamchiong ), but he didn't reply.

Good. I want him to go reflect and sort out his emotions fully. Damn annoyed. Never met such a mangkuk guy before. Urgh!!!!!

... but at the same time, I still feel he's so cute. He likes me a lot but is so scared to proceed, like an inexperienced boy boy. OK la, to be fair, I suspect he's a fearful avoidant-- crave love yet avoid love. No wonder still single for yearssssss and never have a gf before.

Anyway, enough of hotness, time for some cold treatment. According to my relationship book, I should implement no contact for at least 30 days, and I'm gonna do it. Sometimes, people dunno what they have until it's gone. Cliché, but true.

Meanwhile, I keep myself happy by chatting with new guys... If tak jadi with this mangkuk guy, I will move on, again. Have to la; ain't gonna wait forever for mangkuk to 开窍 (be enlightened).

This is the oddest thing to happen after my breakup with ex. Mangkuk guy kinda resembles my ex: same height, same studies, similar profession, tall and well-built, high IQ but low EQ/SQ --- God! Why are you sending another guy to 'torture' me??! & Why am I attracting/attracted to the same kind of guy?!

Haih. Susah. That's why ranting here late at night. Pardon me.

This post has been edited by Ralna: Sep 20 2024, 03:23 AM

Maybe he is just not that into you?

Just entertain u for fun.

This post has been edited by Cubalagi: Sep 20 2024, 10:06 AM

I was intrigue to read your public diary and decided to leave a comment here

from the way you describe Mr Bowl, it seemed like he might be those that overprotecting himself (in terms of relationship) so that he wouldn't get hurt, eventually will lead to nowhere. if he needs guidance, perhaps he can pick up some self help book and find answers

I guess you shouldn't be putting too much hope on him then but let's see how it goes

He's the one who pursued first, kept messaging me the whole day (asked me if I missed him, what I was doing, etc), and asking me out... I didn't do all these; I just responded and flirted with him.

I'm more to feeling emotionally tortured by his indecisiveness, but I think he's more physically tortured by getting hard...soft...hard...soft...hard...soft... but can't proceed due to his own hesitation... and keep thinking of me whole day coz I post on FB daily... my pretty pics and vibrant life.

Yeah, now I think about it. He lagi susah hor.

Hope my absence will drive him crazy.

Yeah, he does behave like someone who has some psychological issues to overcome. I'm gonna post those articles on FB, and hope he'll read them and go help himself.

Just for everyone's knowledge:

I have rethought the whole situation. Putting my personal emotions aside, I do think this guy needs some help to overcome his inner struggles. Even if we're not dating each other eventually, I still hope he will be able to date girls like how a normal man will.

I'm gonna write some posts and record some videos of myself, and post on my FB to help reframe and change his mental narrative--- not targeting at him, but telling ALL my friends why I still believe in love despite breakups and emo pain, and why I don't run away or reject love, and how I heal myself by reaffirming positive beliefs and values about love and romance.

I think by sharing my positive beliefs, values and some introspective questions, it will make him re-think and re-evaluate himself. Will also benefit my other friends/audience too who has broken up or divorced before.

I know he stalks me, and he'll read/watch those posts/videos. He's damn lucky that he came across someone like me, who has studied NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) until master practitioner + good at coaching. I'll crack his coconut head to see things in different light.

Ya, I'm turning frustration into motivation to help more poor souls. I memang already posting my singing videos on FB (got a sweet voice yo ) , now it's time to add some inspiring content about relationships.

I'm done with ranting; it's time to act. Confidence + vulnerability is sexy.

To make sister Raina a little happier...

FT Opinion | Data Points

Young women are starting to leave men behind
Men’s education deficit is increasingly becoming an employment, earnings and outcomes gap, with significant repercussions

by John Burn-Murdoch

https://archive.ph/fNpSR

Hmmm.. maybe there's another perspective you should consider.

He might be addicted to porn, hence why he prefer cybersex vs doing something in real. This is not uncommon in men nowadays.

Maybe you just have a type

Speaking as a man... he might totally miss or misinterpret the hidden message in your videos

I would dump a girl playing hot and cold straight away and totally no contract forever. No mercy. Those hot and cold play is a red flag in my books. Applies to both genders.

Link not valid leh.

Share again

Yeah, he probably got used to porn + DIY. Really missing out all the fun in a real relationship.

Haih yalor. & know what, after 2 months+ of MIA, my ex texted me again today. Shyt. Why am I having guy probs right now? LOL.

Will ask ChatGPT to help craft the right message.

Valid lah

https://archive.ph/fNpSR

This one with paywall, but you can try and clear cookies and see if it works: https://www.ft.com/content/17606f25-1d03-4f...f4-f39989af9bde

Always enjoyed your post, and you seemed like an ideal women to date. The vibe you give off is like feminine, sexy, fun yet intellectual and rational, an almost complete package. You are like a bro in a women body.

But to be fair, if i were to try and court you and somehow succeeded, i would probably get anxious and back off as well.

This reactions is probably due to insecurity and fear of losing control of the situation. Maybe he is the type that pride himself in the ability to keep emotions in check and usually in control of situation.

Catching feelings really does make you vulnerable. So the best is stop it before it happen, which is to never meet in person. But then for someone like that to do sexting is pretty out of character, but it does add spices to the story which is quite enjoyable.

hmm... I'm so flattered by your compliment. Thank you.

I'm not that scary la~ already had some... sweet moments with some guys here. Fast action-takers
Nothing sexual, but still romantic. They weren't disappointed.

Haih that si mangkuk... really missing all the good stuff...

This post has been edited by Ralna: Sep 21 2024, 02:56 AM

Things that are worthwhile are usually never easy and smooth.

I guess that is his way of going into relationship.

Think in a positive light is that if its easy for him to let his guard down with you, in future he would probably be having relationships left right centres based on his qualifications. So a little personality dysfunction would probably make this more challenging and worthwhile when you actually managed to get him to open up with you.