What lar..
Bill Gates was born in 1955

i read that before somewhere i think
but not the last line though (claiming $1 for every time windows crashes)
he's just too damn rich already...but its all self-made so you gotta respect him no matter what

If there's such a thing as a "fair" joke, this is one. It takes a knock on all three communities...
THE GENIE
A drunkard jobless Indian stumbled onto a lamp. He rubbed on it and a magical genie Singh with a turban appeared and said "I grant you two wishes, Macha.." The Indian thought for a while and said "OK, I want to be rich like a Chinaman! Poof! When the smoke disappeared, the Indian was smartly dressed, hair jelled and combed back like Chow Yuen Fatt complete with handphone in hand. As he walked towards his brand new shiny Mercedes, he noticed his own reflection. Not only was he smartly dressed, he was also much fairer in complexion. The shocked Indian angrily summoned the genie and complained " Are you deaf or what? I said I wanted to be rich like a Chinaman, not become a Chinaman!" I don't want to be a Chinaman because they cheat, lie and con their way to become rich..." The genie reminded him that he's entitled to one more wish "What do you want then, Muthu?" To which Muthu quickly replied " I just want to be rich and I don't want to work!" Poof! He was transformed into a Bumiputra...

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LIGHT BULB JOKES
Just to give you the hang of it...
How many Irish does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. One stands on top the table holding the bulb,
the other four rotates the table.
How many Chinese does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One screws in the bulb, the other one gives you
the bill.
How many Indians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Fifty. And they'll form a union after that.
How many Malays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Malays are not supposed to screw anything other
than their wives.
How many TNB workers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Ten. One screws in the light bulb, nine others claim overtime.
How many MIC members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They can't reach the bulb. Somebody threw all the chairs
and tables.
How many Sarong Party Girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Sarong Party Girls don't screw anything that's yellow.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CHINESE VELI STRONG (AND STINGY)
A Chinese man arranges for a Russian hooker (yes, you get them in KL) to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it. When finished, the Chinese man runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into the bed with the hooker and commences a repeat performance. The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into the bed with the hooker and starts again. The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself. So when they were done she jumps up, goes to the window, and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed,...and......finds four Chinese men?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

LOST!
What do you call the Malay guy who lost his car in Jalan Ampang?
Carlost Zubir
The Malay guy who lost his motorcycle at a MSG factory?
Hajinomoto

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE PRINTING PRESS
What do you get when you put 100 Chinamen under a printing press?
The Yellow Pages
What do you get when you put 100 Indians under a printing press?
A year's supply of carbon paper.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THREE TOURISTS
Three tourists, an American, an Indonesian and a Malaysian were having a drink at a penthouse bar in downtown Tokyo. The American ordered a bottle of Jack Daniel's whiskey, took just a sip and threw the whole bottle out of the window. He explained to his astounded acquaintances "Where I come from, Jack Daniels is cheap and plentiful, so it has become a habit of of ours to do that". Not to be outdone, the Indonesian promptly lit up a Gudang Garam (clove) cigarette, took a puff and threw the whole pack out of the window. He explained " Where I come from, Gudang Garam is cheap and plentiful, so it has become a habit of ours to do that". The Malaysian, eager to impress, threw the Indonesian out of the window, and explained "Where I come from Indonesians are?."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CHILD ABUSE
There's a boy who has been abused by his parents. A neighbor found out and reported to the police. The police came and arrested his parents and planned to send him to a foster home. The boy refused and told the police officer "No ! The guardian of the foster home will abuse me". The police officer agree and asked him again "OK ! In that case you can stay with me and become my adopted son". The boy refused and said "No! Your wife will also abuse me!" The police officer gave up and asked "Where should I send you to now. You have refused to be adopted by everybody." The boy replied " I want to stay with the Malaysian hockey team." The police officer was surprised and asked "Of all the places why the Malaysian hockey team? They don't even have a house!" The boy replied "At least they have not beaten anybody in the world..."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

STUCK!
A Kancil car stopped at the red lights. When the traffic lights turned green the driver stepped on the gas pedal and the car just won't move. So he got out of the car to investigate. He soon realised that the car was unable to move because a piece of chewing gum on the road had stuck to one of the tyres!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DUNHILL
Why is the Dunhill slogan always: "Gaya, Mutu, Keungullan".
One of the owners is an Indian call Mutusamy.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CHINESE CARTOONIST
What's the name of that famous Malaysian Chinese cartoonist?
Nia Mah Foo Lat

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

AT THE SEMENYIH CAMP
Indon 1: How did they ever managed to caught you? You look like a Malaysian...
Indon 2: I dunno..I dressed like Malaysian..talk like Malaysian and even behave like a Malaysian.
Indon 1: So how the hell did they ever found out?
Indon 2: Beats me..when they stopped me for questioning..I managed to answer all questions..when they ask for my i.c., I told them that I left it at home and they believed me.
Indon 1: Hmm..it baffles me dong...
Indon 2: Me too..all I said when they were about to leave was "Terima kasih pak polisi"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE LITTLE ONE
If Puff Daddy were to marry Mariah Carey, what will they
call their kid?
Curry Puff.
But since they are so rich, it'll probably be Kaya Puff...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BEVERAGE FOR THOUGHT
If you're addicted to work, you're a workaholic,
When addicted to alcohol, you're an alcoholic,
What if you're addicted to Horlicks?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE SURVEY
A recent survey on Malaysian sex habits revealed the following:
What do Malaysian men do immediately after sex?
20 % roll over and light up a cigarette
Another 20% go to the bathroom to wash
The majority, 60% of the men; they go home!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SAMA SAMA
What's the similarity between a Thai prostitute and bungee jumping?
If the rubber breaks, you're dead!
What's the similarity between a pair of tight jeans and Kowloon Hotel?
There's no ballroom

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

RANK & FILE
In a typical Malaysian company, the general staff likes to discuss or play football after work. For the middle management it is tennis. For the top management it is nothing else but golf, golf and golf. So what is the conclusion ? The higher you are in the management, the smaller your balls.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE KANCIL
Dr M, paid a visit to the White House. After finishing formal discussions with Clinton, Dr M checks with Bill to find out if there is a way to sell the Kancil in the USA. After going through the brochure Bill said: "You know, I think this Kuncheel is too small for us Americans" Not one who gives up easily, Dr M persisted and finally Clinton offered: "Ok, take this number down. This guy is my good buddy and he's also the CEO of the biggest compact car distributor in North America". Dr M was satisfied with the meeting and returns to Malaysia. The next day he decides to call the number suggested by Bill. The phone rang for awhile, after which a lady on the other end answered: "TOYS R US". Can I help you?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE HOLY BOOK
If the Muslims have the Koran, the Christians the Bible, what do the Chinese in Malaysia have?
The Yellow Pages (business minded, mah)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MAMAK ORDERS
How does a Mamak shout your orders across the stall?
Kopi + Teh = "Ko Teh"
Milo + Kopi + Teh = "My Ko Teh"
Horlicks + Milo + Kopi + Teh = "Lick My Ko Teh"

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DJ MISUNDERSTOOD?
A Singapore English radio station, was holding a live radio segment at a shopping mall. The DJ was hosting a game show where prizes were given away to kids on stage if they could name the opposite gender of animals. The first kid to come on stage was a girl.
"What's your name girl & how old are you?"
"My name is Cheryl & I am 8 years old."
"OK, tell me Cheryl, what is the opposite of cow?" "Bull."
"Very good! That's correct. Now here's a barbie doll for you.
Ladies & gentlemen, please give her a round of applause."

The game then continued for the next 15 minutes in a similar fashion with the kids getting all the simple questions correct until it was time for the 10th kid to come on stage. The audience were very impressed with this kid as he was very clever & articulate from the moment he stepped on stage, before being asked, announced, "My name is Johnny. I am 7 years old and I like English, Maths & Art. My hobbies are collecting stamps & stickers."

The audience liked him immediately because of his confidence & had started to clap for him. His parents, standing right in front of the stage, were beaming with pride at how smart their son was.

"OK, Johnny, you should know the answer to this question very well. Close 2 eyes also can answer. Tell me, what is the opposite of cock?"

The young boy paused for a moment, scratched his head, moved closer to the microphone & finally answered proudly, "Chee Bai!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ANOTHER DJ MISUNDERSTOOD?
There was this story that Yasmin hosted a quiz over her morning radio program, where she was looking for "salt & pepper" as the answer. A lady caller asked for a clue and Yasmin mentioned that "It's something that you put over your husband's eggs in he morning" to which the lady caller confidently answered "TALCUM POWDER!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THIS ONE WON'T BE MISUNDERSTOOD...
Ever thought of becoming a deejay in a local Malay radio station? Easy! Just master the art of repeating every other word. Example...
"...cuaca, ya cuaca di Kuala Lumpur sekarang mendung, mendung... keadaan trafik, trafik di Cheras sesat, sesat....anda, ya anda sedang mengikuti, mengikuti siaran, siaran Repeat FM ....OK, OK, kita dengar lagu, ya lagu dari Ella, Ella...terima kasih, terima kasih kepada anda, anda...."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WHEN YOU DRIVE A PROTON SAGA...
What's the first thing that come to your mind when you
see a Chinese man driving a BMW?
A pimp
What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you
see a Malay man driving a BMW?
Ahmad
What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you
see an Indian man driving a BMW?
A car jockey
What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you
see a Bhai driving a BMW?
A car repossesor.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WHAT A CO-INCIDENCE!
Two guys are sitting at either end of a bar late one night when one of them looks up and says to the other guy, "How's the going'? You from around here?" The other guy says,"Damansara Jaya" "Me too. What a co-incidence!" "Where did you go to school?" "La Salle PJ"" Hey, so did I!" "What year did you leave school?" "1981" "So did I!" "What street do you live on?" "SS22/41!" "I live there too!" "What did your old man do for a living?" "KTM worker.." "Unreal! Mine too!" Just then another guy walks in & says to the bartender, "What's going' on?" The bartender replies, "Not much...but the Wong twins are drunk again!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THREE MEN AND A BAYI
During the colonial days, three friends went together to apply for a job. The prospective employer was a cocky and nasty English manager. Ah Chong was the first to be interviewed.
Manager: I'm going to ask you two simple questions, ready..?
Ah Chong: Yes Sir
Manager: What will happen if I poke your left eye with my finger?
Ah Chong: I will become partially blind, Sir!
Manager: What will happen if I poke the other eye?
Ah Chong: I will become totally blind, Sir!
Manager: Very well, wait outside?Next!
As Ali was going into the room, Ah Chong told his friend, just answer "partially blind" and "blind" and you sure pass!
Manager: I'm going to ask you two simple questions, ready..?
Ali: Yes Sir
Manager: What will happen if I poke your left ??
Ali: I will become partially blind, Sir!
Manager: What will happen if I poke??
Ali: I will become totally blind, Sir!
Manager: Very well, wait outside?Next!
Ali came out and told Singh that Ah Chong was right, just answer "partially blind" and "blind" and you sure pass! However, the manager suspected something fishy and decided to change the questions...
Manager: I'm going to ask you two simple questions, ready..?
Singh: Yes Sir
Manager: What will happen if I cut off your left ear?
Singh: I will become partially blind, Sir!
Manager: What will happen if I cut off your other ear?
Singh: I will become totally blind, Sir!
Angry manager: Tell me how you'll go blind if I cut off
your ears?
Singh: If you cut my left ear, my turban will drop one
side and cover my left eye. If you cut off my other ear,
my whole turban will drop and cover my eyes completely.
Guess who got the job?

TEACHER : Why are you late?
BALGOBIN : Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign?
BALGOBIN : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

TEACHER : Balgobin, why are you doing your math sums on the floor?
BALGOBIN : You told me to do it without using tables!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

TEACHER : Balgobin, how do you spell "crocodile"?
BALGOBIN : "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
BALGOBIN : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

TEACHER : What is the chemical formula for water?
BALGOBIN : "HIJKLMNO! "!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
BALGOBIN : Yesterday you said it's H to O!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

TEACHER : Balgobin, go to the map and find North America.
BALGOBIN : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS : Balgobin!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

TEACHER : Balgobin, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
BALGOBIN : Me!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

TEACHER : Balgobin, why do you always get so dirty?
BALGOBIN : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

BALGOBIN : Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER : I think so. What do you want me to write?
BALGOBIN : Your name on this report card.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

TEACHER : How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
BALGOBIN : Don't bite any.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-**-*-*-*-

TEACHER : Balgobin, give me a sentence starting with "I".
BALGOBIN : I is..
TEACHER : No, Balgobin. Always say, "I am."
BALGOBIN : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

TEACHER : "Can anybody give an example of "COINCIDENCE?"
BALGOBIN : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day,
same time."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

TEACHER : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's
Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't
punish him?"
BALGOBIN : "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

BALGOBIN : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
FATHER : No. Why do you ask that?
BALGOBIN : Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

TEACHER : Wh! at a pair of strange socks you arewearing, one is
green and one is blue with red spots!
BALGOBIN : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just like
that at home.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

TEACHER : Now, children, if I saw a man beating adonkey and stopped
him, what virtue would I be showing? BALGOBIN : Brotherly love?

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

TEACHER : Now, Balgobin, tell me frankly do you say prayers before
eating?
BALGOBIN : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

TEACHER : Balgobin, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the
same as your brother's. Di! d you copy his?
BALGOBIN : No, teacher, it's the same dog!

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

TEACHER : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
BALGOBIN : A teacher

Should I fire my secretary?

>Two weeks ago was my 35th birthday and I wasn't
>feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to
>breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say
>"Happy Birthday" and probably a present for me. Forget
>"Happy Birthday", She didn't even say "Good Morning".
> >
>I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children
>will remember." Children came in to breakfast and
>didn't say a word. I started to the office I was
>feeling pretty low.
>
>As I walked into my office my secretary, Janet, said,
>"Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday."
>
>And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.I
>worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and
>said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and
>it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and
>me." I said, " That's the greatest thing I've heard
>all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't
>go where we normally go; we went out to the country to
>a little private place. We had two martinis and
>enjoyed lunch tremendously.
>
>On the way back to the office, she said, "You know,
>it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to
>the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not."
>
>She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving
>at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I
>think I'll go change." "Sure," I excitedly replied.
>
>She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes,
>she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by
>my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all
>singing Happy Birthday.
>
>And there I sat... on the couch..... naked!!!

lolz wat a nice joke man
i wonder y the guy took off his clothes so fast......

Not from email but funny jokes...

Computers are female
The top six reasons computers must be female:

6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.

5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.

4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as

"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:

As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Modems beat women
Some reasons why a modem is better than a woman:


1. A modem doesn't ask for a commitment if you use it. Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing "AT".


2. When you're done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty.


3. A modem won't say a word if you come home late.


4. A modem can't collect alimony if you decide to dump it.


5. A modem will always wait patiently by the phone.


6. You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes out.


7. A modem doesn't mind if you call another modem.


8. A virus you catch from your modem doesn't require a trip to the doctor.


9. You don't have to bring a modem home to meet your parents. If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you have to worry about.


10. Modems come with an instruction manual. Modems have a volume control - you can even turn the sound OFF.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska,
admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What
a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he
was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear
beginning to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down
the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was
rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared
that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was
even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster
yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to
pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with
its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.

"OH MY GOD! ..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

Even the river stopped moving ...

As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came
from all around...

"YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS,
TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN
CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO
YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS
PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A
BELIEVER?"

Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said,
"It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these
years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"VERY WELL." Said God.

The light went out.

The river ran.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

... and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws
together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, thank you for this
food which I am about to receive."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Amy, a city girl, marries a farmer.

One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says
to her, "The artificial insemination man is coming to
impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a big nail into the
two-by-four over the cow's stall. You show him where it is."

The farmer leaves, and a while later, the artificial insemination
man arrives. Amy takes him down the rows of cows until she
sees the nail.

She says, "This is the one, right here." The man says, "How
do you know?" Amy says, "By the nail over its stall."

The man says, "What's the nail for?"

Amy says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman has had serious headaches for several years and
has tried everything without success. One day, she was
having lunch with a friend who referred her to a hypnotist
who, according to her friend "works wonders on anything."
The woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her
husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all
these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the
husband asks, "What happened?" His wife replies, "Margie
referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a
mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache, I
do not have a headache. I do not have a headache.' It
worked! The headaches are all gone." The husband replies,
"Well, that is wonderful." His wife then says, "You know, you
haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last
few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he
can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off
his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the
bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move. I'll
be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a
few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate
love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that
was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be
right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back
and round two was even better than the first time. The wife
sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says,
"Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in
the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and
there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror
and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not
my wife!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three blondes were walking along the beach when one spotted a bottle in the sand. They picked up the bottle, and due to the nature of curious blondes they opened it. Out came a genie!

The genie was only allowed to give three wishes and therefore granted each of them a wish.

The first blonde: "People always call us dumb, so I wish to be 10 times smarter." POOF! The blonde turned into a gorgeous brunette.

The second blonde: "Well, I don't want to be THAT smart, so I wish to be just twice as smart." POOF! The blonde turned into a beautiful red head.

The third blonde was not sure what to wish for and had to think for several minutes. Finally, she responded, "I do not want to be smarter, I enjoy being a blonde, so I wish to be 10 times dumber."

POOF! She was turned into a man!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde woman competed with a brunette and a redhead in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition.
The brunette came in first and the redhead was a close second.
Much later, the blonde finally reached shore, completely exhausted.
After being revived with blankets and coffee, she muttered, "I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think those other two girls used their arms."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A beautiful young blond woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering at the edge of the pier crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer he slipped his arm around the blond's shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. "What are you doing here," the Captain asked?
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He sure is lady," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" Asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by
the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young
woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went
and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to
make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all
night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top,
sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she
pretty?"

"Dunno...Never found the head
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite
chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring
me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When
he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's
gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it
starts."

That's it!" She blows her top, "You *******! You waltz in
here, flop your fat *** down, don't even say hello to me
and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't
you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day
long?"

The husband sighed. " Oh ****, it's started."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Susan:

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other
during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.
The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that
was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never
wanted to be the first one to make contact.

In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling
back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that
my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't
miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care
who makes the first move as long as one of us
does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our
hurt. And this is what my heart says...

"There's no one like you, Susan." I look for you in the eyes and
breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not
even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Ithaca Bar and
brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just
to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young,
maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and
maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just
a perfect body. Jugs you wouldn't believe and an ass like a
tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the
couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff
we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What
does a perfect body mean?

Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you
see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person?
Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive
Susan? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I
Don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.

Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I
found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It
wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless
hunger, but something else. Some feeling of loss. Why did it
feel so incomplete? And then it hit me.

It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Susan, to
watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same
without you. Jesus, Susan, I'm just going crazy without you.
And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met in Upper
Side last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of
lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a
woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but
that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine
and the next thing you know we're banging away in our old
bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's
giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when
she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether
the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden she spots that tilting
mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the
floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And
it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too. 'Cause I can't help
thinking, "Why didn't Susan ever put the mirror on the floor?
We've had this old vanity for what, 14
years, and we never used it as a sex aid."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining
order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty
good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me
during this painful time.

She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about
women in general. She’s pulling for us to get back together,
Susan, She really is. So we're drinking in a hot bath and talking
about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same
DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she
looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes
me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal
thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I
pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled
some of the bitterness between us.

But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your
baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's
true, Susan. In your heart you know it. Don't you think we
could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start
fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know,
otherwise, can you let me know where the remote control is.

John
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A rich man and a poor man were discussing what they
gave their wives for their anniversary. The rich man
says, "I bought my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedes
Benz."
Poor man asks, "Why did you buy her two gifts?" The rich man
replies,
"Well, in case she doesn't like the diamond necklace,
she can drive her Mercedes Benz to take it back."

The poor man acknowledges the rich mans answer then
proceeds to tell him what he got his wife. "I got my
wife a pair of flip flops and a dildo." With a confused
and intrigued look, the rich man asks, "Why did you
buy her those gifts?!" The poor man replies, "Well,
in case she doesn't like the flip flops, she can go "bad word" herself."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office
alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering frim a very severe disease,
combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following,
your husband will surely DIE!!!

"Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and
make sure he's in a good mood. For lunch make him a
nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner prepare an
especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as
this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with
him it will only make him stress worse. Try to relax your
husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him
plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of
sporting event on T.V. And most importantly make love with
your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.


"If you can do this for 10 months to a year, I think your
husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home the husband asked his wife, "What did the
doctor say?"

She replied, "You're gonna die"

> > > > Story ONE
> > > > Ah Beng bought a Honda VTI recently and drove to
> > > > Ah Lian's place to show it to her.
> > > > So there Ah Beng was, telling and bragging the
> > > > various functions of his new car to his girlfriend.
> > > > "This is ah, so fast even the Mata Chia cannot catch ah!"
> > > > "Ha! Really ah!!! Steady lah!" said Ah Lian.
> > > > "Somemore hor, this is Automatic one, vely easy to drive!"
> > > > So Ah Lian said, "Let me try! I wan, I wan!"
> > > > So Ah Lian took the driver's seat and shifted
> > > > the gear and floored the accelerator.
> > > > ; The next moment, the car sped backwards and
> > > > crashed into the lamp-post.
> > > > "Alamak! What are u doing?!!!
> > > > U Siao Char Bo! U see lah!!! Wah Piang eh!"
> > > > screamed Ah Beng.
> > > > "Solee, solee, pai sah lah! No lah, I tot hor,
> > > > "R" for racing mah!"*

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > Story TWO
> > > > The Titanic was sinking, and there weren't
> > enough lifeboats.
> > > > So the captain had to persuade male passengers
> > > > to jump into the icy waters to make room for
> > > women and children.
> > > > To the British he said, "You must act like
> > > > gentlemen." They jumped.
> > > > To the Americans he said, "You can be heros."
> > > > They complied.
> > > > To the Germans he said , "It's the rule." They obeyed.
> > > > To the Japanese he said," It's the consensus."
> > > > They obliged.
> > > > Then came the Singaporean and they just weren't
> > > > budging until he came up with the appeal: "Free life
> > > > jackets for those who jumped."
> > > > ---------------------------------------------
> > > > Story THREE
> > > > 3 recruits - Chinese, Malay & Indian are at the
> > > > army's supply base to collect their underwears.
> > > > Their sergeant was there to aid the supplies.
> > > > Sergeant: Hei Ah Beng! How many underwears
> > > > you need ah?
> > > > Ah Beng: (thinks a while) 7 sasen(sergeant)!
> > > > Sergeant: (puzzled) How come so many?
> > > > Ah Beng: M on, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat & Sun.
> > > > One day one.
> > > > Sergeant: (Malay recruit) Eh Mat! How many underwears?
> > > > Mat: (without hesitation) 6 sargen!
> > > > Sergeant: (curious) How come six?
> > > > Mat: Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Sat & Sun. Friday
> > > > I wear sarong.
> > > > Sergeant: (Indian recruit) Dei Tambi. How many
> > > > underwears dah dei?
> > > > Tambhi: (very confidently) 12 Sarjen !!!!
> > > > Sergeant: (shocked & fell to the ground) Why do
> > > > you need so many for?
> > > > Tambhi: January, February, March.....One month one.
> > > > ---------------------------------------------
> > > > Story FOUR
> > > > Once upon a time, a group of Ah Bengs stepped
> > > > into a lounge and wanted the DJ to play the song
> > > > "Ah Cheng Buey Ro Ti" (In Hokkien meaning Ah
> > Cheng buys bread).
> > > > The DJ told them that they only have English
> > songs and told them to re-select another song.
> > > > The Ah Bengs were indignant and kicked up a big fuss,
> > > > claiming that the DJ was insulting them.
> > > > The manager had to intervene in order to calm them down.
> > > > Finally, after many hours of talking, the manager
> > > > managed to find out that the Ah Bengs were actually
> > > > asking for the song "Unchained Melody" by the
> > > > Righteous Brothers.
> > > >
> > > -------------------------------- -------------------
> > > > Story FIVE
> > > > One day, two Ah Lians got into a lift from the 20th
> > > > storey of a building and wanted to get down to the
> > > > ground floor.
> > > > As they looked at the dial, they could see the
> > > > number 20 down to number 2.
> > > > It was then followed by a G. As they were not
> > > > English-educated, they were puzzled and really
> > > > had no idea what does the letter G mean.
> > > > Suddenly one of them exclaimed excitedly and hit G.
> > > > When they finally reached the ground floor,
> > > > the other Ah Lian was so impressed and asked
> > > > the first Ah Lian, "Wow, how you know one?"
> > > > The first Ah Lian reply smugly, "Easy lah.. G
> > > > for Gero mah..."
> > > > --------------------------------------------
> > > > Story SIX
> > > > Santa Singh (remember him?) just graduated
> > > > from Law school and decided to apply for a job
> > > > in the most prestigous "Lee & Lee Law Firm" company.
> > > > During the interview, Mr. Lee KY looked at
> > > > Santa Singh's resume, thinks for a while and said,
> > > > "Well, I would need to discuss your application
> > > > with my wife. " And went off to discuss Santa's
> > > > application with his wife.
> > > > Lee KY's wife said, "C'mon, don't you know
> > > > that we only hire lawyers with surnames beginning
> > > > with 'Lee' only? Of course, we can't hire Santa Singh!"
> > > > So Lee KY told the bad news to Santa Singh about his rejection.
> > > > Few days later, Santa Singh came back to the
> > > > same company and request for another interview
> > > > and Lee KY said, 'Look Santa, I have already
> > > > told you that we only hire.......' when Santa Singh
> > > > interrupted him and said, 'I know, I know. I have
> > > > just changed my name.
> > > > Lee K Y looked at Santa Singh in surprise and
> > > > asked, "What is your new name then?"
> > > > On this, Santa Singh replied 'Surname Lee, Last
> > > > name, Manga!' (Manga-Li)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>Subject: FW: Definition of MARKETING made easy
>
>The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, most people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."
>
>You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed,"
>- That's Direct Marketing.
>
>You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed," - That's advertising.
>
>You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say,"Hi, I'm fantastic in bed," - That's Telemarketing.
>
>You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed," - That's Public Relations.
>
>You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says," I hear you're fantastic in bed,"
>- That's Brand Recognition.
>
>You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend - That's a Sales Rep.
>
>Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you - That's Tech Support.
>
>You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses
>you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your
>lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" - That's Junk Mail.

This is an extended version of the joke posted by BugFace above:

A student asked, "What gender is a computer?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups - male and female - and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.


The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later review; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your salary on accessories for it.


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2.They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.

>A good laugh...
>
> >>
> >Possibilities, Probabilities & Combinations!
> >
> >ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
> > Smart man + smart woman = romance
> > Smart man + dumb woman = affair
> > Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
> > Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
> >
> >OFFICE ARITHMETIC
> > Smart boss + smart employee = profit
> > Smart boss + dumb employee = production
> > Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
> > Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
> >
> >SHOPPING MATH
> > A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
> > A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
> >
> >GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
> > A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
> > A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
> > A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
> > A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
> >
> >HAPPINESS
> > To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
> >little.
> > To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
> >understand her
> > at all.
> >
> >LONGEVITY
> > Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot
> >more willing
> > to die.
> >
> >PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
> > A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
> > A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
> >
> >DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
> > A woman has the last word in any argument.
> > Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
> >
> >HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
> > Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs
> > and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
> > They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Here a story...

Terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

The guys was dumb enuff to write a return address.

Here's another dumb story from the web.

In Austin Taxes, a woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

More jokes...

Why I Fired My Secretary
Two weeks ago was my 50th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that
morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she
didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday.

I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember. The
children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the
office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent..

As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss.
Happy Birthday," and I felt a little better that someone had remembered.

I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's
such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch,
just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. "Let's
go!" We went to lunch.

We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little
place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful
day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think
I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable"

"Sure!" I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a
huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our
friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there ---- on the couch ---- naked.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Portugese football fan, a Swiss Referee and an English football fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze.
All of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them.

The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death.

However, after many months and with the help of good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for the whipping, the Sheikh announced "It is my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow you one wish before your whipping."


The Portugese was first in line, he thought for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back". This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through.

When the punishment was done, he had to be carried away bleeding and crying in pain.

The Swiss Ref was next up. After watching the Portugese's pain in horror, he said smugly "Please fix two pillows to my back".

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through and again the Referee was led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything them Sheikh turned to him and said. " You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this you may have two wishes".

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness" The Englishman replied.

"My first wish is that you give me not 20 lashes, but 100 lashes".

"Not only are you an honourable person, you are also very brave" Said the Sheikh with an admiring look on his face.

"If a 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish?."

"Tie the Referee to my back"!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Train Delay
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year
old son playing
with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons
of ***** who
want off, get the hell off now 'cause this is the last stop! And
all of you
sons of ***** who are getting on, get your asses in the train
'cause we're
going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use
that kind of
language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and
you are to
stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may
play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and
resumed playing with
his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son
say, "All passengers, please remember to take all of your
belongings with
you. We thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one.
We hope you will
ride with us again soon." She heard her little darling continue:
"For those
of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the
train. We hope
you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of
you who are
pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the ***** in
the
kitchen...."


------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy Class
gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight
attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then
tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to
sit in the back. The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm
going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!" The flight attendant
goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and copilot that there is some
blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and
won't move back to her seat. The copilot goes back to the blonde
and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will
have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde,
I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!" The
copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting
when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to
reason. The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm
married to a blonde. I speak 'blonde'!" He goes back to the blonde,
whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm sorry". .. gets up and
moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The flight attendant
and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her
move without any fuss. "I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Farting Personality

A Courteous Person One who says "Excuse me" before farting and "sorry" after that.

A Dishonest Person One who farts and then blames one's dog.

A Foolish Person One who suppresses a fart for hours.

A Knowledgeable Person One who knows when to fart.

A Miserable Person One who truly enjoys to fart but cannot.

A Mysterious Person One who exudes undetectable farts.

A Nervous Person One who stops in the middle of a fart.

A Proud Person One who thinks that his farts are extremely pleasant.

A Sadistic Person One who farts in bed and fluffs the covers over his bed mate.

A Scientific Person One who farts regularly but is concerned with pollution.

A Shy Person One who releases silent farts and then blushes.

A Stereotype Person One who farts regularly.

A Strategic Person One who conceals one's farts by loud laughter.

A Stupid Person One who farts and then takes in a deep breath to balance up.

A Thrifty Person One who has farts in reserve..

A Vain Person One who loves the smell of one's own fart.

An Amiable Person One who loves the smell of other people's fart.

An Anti-Social Person One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.

An Aquatic Person One who farts in the bath then bursts the bubbles.

An Athletic Person One who farts at the slightest exertion.

An Honest Person One who admits he has farted but offers a good medical reason.

An Intelligent Person One who can determine the smell of his neighbours' farts.

An Unfortunate Person One who tries to fart but shits instead.

"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so
easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it
cures itself.


"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.


"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before
spending anymore time with you.


"Why don't we make another appointment later in the
week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of
time. --or--
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another
office visit.


"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW.
The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.


"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that
can be cured.


"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.


"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a
bundle.


"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a
guinea pig.


"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by
itself.


"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.


"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.


"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you
here?


"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to
prescribe this stuff.


"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after
all.


"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the
lab can solve this one.


"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting
your nerves?"
You're crazier'n an outhouse rat.
Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees
with me ...


"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week.
I'd better learn something about this.


"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God
I'm off next week.

Change your IE enconding option to Traditional Chinese.

超爆笑的(尤其那句愚公移山...更神

小時候老師常告訴全班作文寫得最好的我說:
「作文要寫得比別人好，一定要多用成語，我看文本文後，我想我一輩子也比不上這位同學的水準！」

警告：請成語懂得太少的同學們勿觀賞本篇文章，以免相形失色 ~~~~~~~~ 哈哈~~~




一份令任何國文老師看了都必定抓狂的作文


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


今天是國慶日，因為英明偉大的政府建設國家、愛護百姓的功績罄竹難書，所以放假一天，爸爸媽媽特地帶我們到動物園玩。

按照慣例，我們早餐喜歡吃地瓜粥。今天因為地瓜賣完了，媽媽只好黔驢技窮地削些芋頭來濫竽充數。沒想到那些種在陽台的芋頭很好吃，全家都貪得無厭地自食其果。

出門前，我那徐娘半老的媽媽打扮的花枝招展，鬼斧神工到一點也看不出是個糟糠之妻。頭頂羽毛未豐的爸爸也趕緊洗心革面沐猴而冠，換上雙管齊下的西裝後英俊得慘絕人寰，雞飛狗跳到讓人退避三舍。東施效顰愛漂亮的妹妹更是穿上調整型內衣愚公移山，畫虎類犬地打扮的豔光四射，趾高氣昂地穿上新買的高跟鞋。

我們一丘之貉坐著素車白馬，很快地到了動物園，不料參觀的人多到豺狼當道草木皆兵，害我們一家骨肉分離。妻離子散的爸爸鞠躬盡瘁地到處廣播，終於找到到差點認賊作父的我和遇人不淑的妹妹，困獸之鬥中，我們螳臂當車力排眾議推己及人地擠到猴子柵欄前，魚目混珠拍了張強顏歡笑的全家福。

接著到雞鳴狗盜的鳥園欣賞風聲鶴唳哀鴻遍野的大自然美妙音樂。後來爸爸口沫橫飛地為我們指鹿為馬時，吹來一陣涼風，唾面自乾的滋味，讓人毛骨悚然不寒而慄，媽媽連忙為爸爸黃袍加身，也叮囑我們要克紹其裘。

到了傍晚，因為假日的關係，餐廳家家鵲佔鳩巢六畜興旺，所以媽媽帶著我們孟母三遷，最後終於決定吃火鍋。有家餐廳剛換壁紙，家徒四壁很是美麗，燈火闌珊配上四面楚歌，非常有氣氛。十面埋伏的女服務生們四處招蜂引蝶，忙著為客人圍魏救趙，口蜜腹劍到讓人誤認到了西方極樂世界。

飢不擇食的我們點了綜合火鍋，作懷不亂的爸爸當頭棒喝先發制人，要求為虎作倀拿著刀子班門弄斧的女服務生，快點將狡兔死走狗烹，因為尸位素餐的我們一家子早就添油加醋完畢，就等著火鍋趕快沈魚落雁好問鼎中原，可惜鍋蓋太小，有點欲蓋彌彰。

湯料沸騰後，熱得樂不思蜀的我們趕緊解衣推食好大義滅親上下其手，一網打盡撈個水落石出。

火鍋在我們呼天嗆地面紅耳赤地蠶食鯨吞後，很快就只剩滄海一粟，和少數的漏網之魚。母範猶存的媽媽想要丟三落四放冬粉時，發現火苗已經危在旦夕，只好投鼠忌器。幸好狐假虎威的爸爸呼盧喝雉叫來店員抱薪救火，終於死灰復燃，也讓如坐針毯的我們中飽私囊。鳥盡弓藏後，我們一家子酒囊飯袋，沆瀣一氣，我和妹妹更是小人得志，沾沾自喜。

不料結帳的時候，老闆露出廬山真面目，居然要一飯千金，爸爸氣得吳牛喘月，媽媽也委屈地牛衣對泣。

啊！這三生有幸的國慶日，就在爸爸對著錢包自慚形穢大義滅親後，我們全家江郎才盡，一敗塗地！ ~ the end ~

some ppl's brain are a masterpiece.
it is divided into two parts. left and right.
In the left part nothing is right and
in the right part nothing is left.

nice cool jokes everyone got i think their brain are a genius