Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents.At bedtime,the two boys kneeled down beside their beds to say their prayers.Suddenly,the youngest boy began praying at the top of his lungs, "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE.I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO.I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."His older brother leaned over,nudged his younger brother,and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers?God isn't deaf."The little brother replied, "No,but Grandma is!"

This post has been edited by jedi_dc: Jul 9 2004, 04:20 PM

well thats a ood joke isnt it??

Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."

Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows -- because of the icons -- I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."

Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to --"

Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons."

Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a file cabinet...is 'little picture' ok?"

Customer: [clicks]

Lawyer Jokes

1. Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

2. Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

3. Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

4. Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

5. Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

6. Q. What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A. A Lobotomy.

7. Q. How do you save five drowning lawyers?
A. Who cares?

8. Q. What do you call a block of cement containing ten lawyers?
A. A waste of cement.

9. Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A1: Shoot him before he hits the water.
A2: Take your foot off his head.
A3: No? Good!

10. Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

11. Q: What do you do if you run over a Lawyer?
A1: Back over him to make sure.
A2: Make another notch on the steering wheel.

12. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of s***?
A: The bucket.

13. Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a bus load of lawyers goes off a cliff.

14. Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

15. Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.

16. Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.

17. Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.

18. Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetery.

19. Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

20. Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

21. Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.

22. Q. What`s the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
A. A hooker will stop f***ing you when you're dead.

23. Q. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A. It might be your bicycle.

24. Q. What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A. Their personalities.

25. Q. What's brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A. A doberman.

26. Q. Why are lawyers buried 12 feet underground?
A. Deep down their good.

27. Q. What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A. One's a slimy scum-sucking scavenger, the other is just
a fish.

28. Q. Why are lawyers great in bed?
A. They get so much practice screwing people.

29. Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A. The lawyer charges more.

30. Hear about the lady lawyer that dropped her briefs and became a solicitor?

31. Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

32. "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

33. God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"

34. An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"

35. At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more
plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do.

36. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

37. Ben Dover And
C. Howlett Fields
Attorneys At Law

38. When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.

39. It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

40. A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?". "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

Better not let Badawi Rocks see this

i think u should not let badawi se this otherwise he will turn u into means meat!!!

hahaha
ya
calling badawi rox now
lolz

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,
"What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move".
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?
That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible, said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's George Bush's clock?" asked the man. "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
______

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied,

"Get him, Spike!"

How to scare your roommate


1. Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give
them to him/her before he/she goes to class.

2. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too
far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten
minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but
instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say,
"It's not funny anymore."

3. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to
read without one when the lights are out, remarking every so
often how great the book is.

4. Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend
to surf for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe out,"
and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning
until your roommate comes over to "rescue" you.

5. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes
every day. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake
using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the
shake, look at the empty cage, and tell your roommate, "I was
curious."

6. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the
toaster in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily,
and complain that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If
your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about
fire-safety hazards.

7. Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're
going away to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in about ten
minutes. If your roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard
man to find.

8. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or
tell him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on
the phone.

9. Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a
glass of water. When he/she brings it, dump it on the floor and
immediately go to sleep. If he/she ever refuses to bring you a
glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of
dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds, until he/she does
so.

10. Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full
volume and begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If
he/she asks about it, say, "Oh, that damn hypnotist...."

11. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at
it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice
to see you again."

12. Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them,
and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label
them, "Dancing beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room.
Get another can of beans. Label them, "Kill Your Roommate
beans." Eat them, smiling at your roommate.

13. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and
then wake him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now."

14. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance"
with you every morning.

15. Recite "Dr. Seuss" books, all the time. Eventually, think up
melodies for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to your
roommate. If he/she tells you to stop, act offended and spend
the day in bed.

16. Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate
doesn't obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something
your roommate owns until he/she pays the tickets.

17. Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your
roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry little buckaroo.
You'll be safe with me."

18. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been
bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them.

19. Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like,
"Roommate Dying in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked
in the Head with a Shovel." Comment often about how much you
love the paintings.

20. Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything.
Bump into walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say,
"Who's that?" every time your roommate enters the room. When
you're not wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine.

21. Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its
movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have
established a connection with the spirit world through the lava
lamp. Tell your roommate that "Grandma said hi."

22. Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this
is your collection of "inert gases." Look at them often. One
day, act surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of
having released one of the gases. Cover your nose and mouth and
run out of the room.

23. Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream
hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on.

24. Roller-skate up and down the hallway. Every time you see
your roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down.
Apologize, and say that he/she looked like "the enemy."

25. Put headphones on your roommate while he/she is sleeping,
and subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play the
trombone, and memorize all the major imports and exports of each
African nation.

26. Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so
that your head crashes through the glass. Then say, "Silly me,"
open the window again, and try to stick your head through. Act
like you hit your head on something.

27. Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate
salute you upon sight. If he/she refuses, insist that he/she do
100 push-ups. Keep saying things like, "Your momma isn't here to
take care of you any more."

28. Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever
you add to it, and say things like, "In a little while I'll have
enough for that sailboat."

29. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the
rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If
your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.

30. Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting
like you're trying to read something. Tell your roommate it's a
message from God, but you're not sure whether it's a warning
about a loved one in danger or a recipe for really great chili.

Here's something from me.

Girls Night Out

Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly
over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee.

They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her
panties, use them, then throw them away.

Her friend, however, was wearing
a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was
lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that.

After finishing, they then made off for home.

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "These damn girls night out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing, said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her
ass that said, "From All of Us At the Fire Station, We'll Never Forget
You."

Car Accident

A woman and a man got into a really bad car accident.
Both cars are totaled, but luckily no one was hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said,
"Wow, just look at our cars! They are destroyed.
Fortunately, we aren't hurt. This must be a sign from
God that we should meet and be friends and live together
in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely.
This must be a sign from God! "
The woman continued,
"And look at this, here's another miracle.... My car is
completely ruined but this bottle of wine didn't break.
It's a sign that God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate
our good fortune." Then she handed the bottle to the man.
The man agreed, opened the bottle and drank half, and then
handed it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on,
and handed it back to the man.
The man asked, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replied, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police

Firm It Up!

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother."

Mr bean ooo mr bean


BRAIN TUMOR
> Doctor : I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
> Mr. Bean : Yesss!!! (Jumps in joy)
> Doctor : Did you understand what I just told you?
> Mr. Bean : Yes of course,do you think I'm dumb?
> Doctor : Then,why are you so happy?
> Mr. Bean : Because that proves that I have a brain!
>
>
> MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL
> Teacher : What is 5 plus 4?
> Mr. Bean : 9.
> Teacher : What is 4 plus 5?
> Mr. Bean : Are you trying to fool me,you've just twisted the
> figure,the answer is 6!
>
>
> WHILE IN A DRUG STORE
> Mr. Bean : I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
> Clerk : Sir,vitamin A, B or C?
> Mr. Bean : Any will do,my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!
>
>
> QUEUING BEHIND HIS FRIEND AT AN ATM MACHINE
> Friend : What are!You looking at?
> Mr. Bean : I know your PIN number.Hee ...hee!
> Friend : Alright,what is my PIN number if you saw it?
> Mr. Bean : Four asterisks!
>
>
> MARRIAGE
> Friend : How many women do you believe a man must marry?
> Mr. Bean : 16.
> Friend : Why?
> Mr. Bean : Because the priest says "4" richer, "4" poorer, "4" better
> and "4" worse.
>
>
> MOM
> Mr. Bean : (Crying) The doctor called, "Mom's dead".
> Friend : Condolence,my friend.
> After 2 minutes Mr. Bean cries even louder
> Friend : What now?
> Mr. Bean : My sister just called,her mom died too!
>
>
> MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING
> Colleague : Sorry I'm late.I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hours
> because of a power failure.
> Mr. Bean : Thats alright,me too.I got stuck on the escalator for 3
> hours.
>
>
> SPELLING LESSON
> Mr. Bean's Son : Dad,what is the spelling of 'successful' ...Is it
> one 'c' or two 'c's?
> Mr. Bean : Make it three 'c's to be sure!

hahahahahaha good one!!

Subject: FW: President Bush


After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive",
Osama himself decided to send George W
a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the
game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to
contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H.

Bush was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell.
Colin
and his aides had no clue either so they
sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then
to
MIT and NASA and the Secret Service.
Eventually they asked Britain's MI6 for help.

They cabled the White House: "Tell the President he is looking at the
message upside down."

Two blondes are walking down the road when one says, "Look at that dog with one eye!"

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"

This post has been edited by hizperion: Oct 23 2018, 06:53 PM

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
bring more.