This is what I called creative thinking.
Same question, different answers.
Looking at things from another perspective.

Question : Ms America, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms America : Well, I can say that male organs in America are like
gentlemen.
Question : How can you say so?
Ms America : Because it stands every time it sees a woman........
(Applause! Applause!)

Question : Ms Spain, how do you describe a male
organ in your
country?
Ms Spain : Male organs in our country are like
our very own
Bullfight or Toro(Bull).
Question : How can you say so?
Ms Spain : Because it charges every time it sees
an opening.
(Applause! Applause!)

Question : Ms Philippines, how do you describe a
male organ in your country?
Ms Philippines : Well, I can say that male organs in our
country are like gossip or rumors.
Question : How can you say so?
Ms Philippines : Because it passes from mouth to mouth.
(Applause! Applause! Standing Ovation! Applause! Applause!)

Question : Ms Iran, how do you describe a male
organ in your country?
Ms Iran : Well, I can say that male organs in
Iran are like thieves.
Question : How can you say so?
Ms Iran : Because they like to enter through the back door.
(Applause! Applause! Laughter! Laughter! Applause! Applause!)

Question : Ms India, how do you describe a male
organ in your country?
Ms India : Well, I can say the male organs in
India are like labourers.
Question : How can you say so?
Ms India : Because it works day and night......
(Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause!
Applause! Applause!)

Question : Ms Malaysia, how do you describe a
male organ in your country?
Ms Malaysia : Well, I can say that Male Organs in
Malaysia are like Proton car.
Question : How can you say so?
Ms Malaysia : Look tough but actually very soft.
(Applause! Applause! Laughter! Laughter! Applause!
Applause!)

Question : Ms Singapore,how do you describe a
male organ in your country?
Ms Singapore : Well, I can say that male organ in
Singapore is very Kiasu
(Afraid to lose).
Question : How can you say so?
Ms Singapore : It always wants to rush in quick and leave 15 minutes
before the show is over.
(Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause!
Applause! Applause!)

posted before, but never fails to amuse

GHETTO VOCABULARY

Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader. This is Leroy's homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence

1. HOTEL- I gave my girlfriend crabs and da ho tel everybody.

2. DICTATE- My girlfriend say my dictate good.

3. CATACOMB- I saw Don King at da fight da other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb.

4. FORECLOSE- If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.

5. RECTUM- I had two Cadillac's, but my b**** rectum both.

6. DISAPPOINTMENT- My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to da joint.

7. PENIS- I went to da doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.

8. ISRAEL- Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake." He say, "Bullshit, that watch israel".

9 UNDERMINE- There's a fine lookin' ho living in da apartment undermine.

10.ACOUSTIC- When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to da poolhall.

11.IRAQ- When we got to da poolhall, I tol' my uncle iraq, you break.

12.STAIN- My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on stain for dinner?"

13.FORTIFY- I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" she say "fortify."

14.INCOME- I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.

Furthering your education with Today's Ebonic word:

Today's word is: OMELETTE. Let us use it in a sentence.

"I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide."

This post has been edited by Sheep319: Aug 4 2004, 01:11 AM

Dun understand some.. American English.. worse than Manglish

Amazing.......They managed to turn it against us................

The Truth About Men (finally)

1. The nice men are ugly.

2. The handsome men are not nice.

3. The handsome and nice men are gay.

4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we
are only after their money.

7. The handsome men without money are after our money.

8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't
think we are beautiful enough.

9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice
and have money, are cowards.

10.The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money
and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!

11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in
us when we take the initiative.

NOW, WHO CAN POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND MEN?

Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job
to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into
something you'd like to have dinner with.

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN
HANDLE IT!

Seorang pemuda hensem yang separuh mabuk,
berjemur dipantai tanpa pakaian menutup
tubuhnya. Ketika itu dia melihat seorang anak
gadis kecil lebih kurang berumur 7 thn berjalan
melintasinya. Dengan pantas dia menutup
bahagian tubuhnya yang tertentu dengan buku
yang dibacanya.

Kerana hairan anak gadis kecil itu
berkata. "Abang, apa abang tutup dengan buku
tu?" tanya anak gadis kecil sambil menunjuk ke
arah buku.
Kerana malu, pemuda itu menjawab. "Ah.. tidak
ada apa-apa. Ini hanya seekor burung pipit!"

"Seekor burung pipit?" tanya gadis itu
kebingungan.

"Betul, hanya seekor burung pipit.." jawab
pemuda itu dengan lebih tegas.

Setelah sikecil tu pergi berlalu, si pemuda
kembali membaca buku sambil meneguk
minuman kerasnya. Tak lama kemudian, si
pemuda tertidur. Ketika terbangun, dia berada di
hospital dan merasa sakit yang amat sangat.

Seorang polis menanyainya. "Apa yang terjadi?"

"Saya tidak tahu. Saya sedang berjemur di
pantai, lalu ada gadis kecil bertanya sebantar dan
tidak lama setelah dia pergi saya tertidur dan kini
tiba-tiba berada di sini."

Polis itu pergi ke pantai mencari gadis kecil dan
bertanya, "Apa yang kamu lakukan terhadap
lelaki yang sedang berjemur itu tadi?"

Si gadis kecil itu menjawab.. "Saya tidak
melakukan apa-apa terhadap abang tu pon.
Cuma waktu dia tidur tadi, saya bermain dengan
burung pipitnya. Tapi tidak lama kemudian,
burung itu meludahi muka saya. Kerana itu saya
patahkan leher dan kepalanya. saya pecahkan
telur-telurnya dan saya bakar sarangnya!!"

AIYO

> Good friends are like condom always protecting.
> Great friends are like viagra, lift you up when you are down.

> The sad life of a penis: "I only have one eye, my hair is a mess, my skin
> is wrinkly, my relatives are nuts, my neighbor's an ******* and my best
> friend 's a *****."
> Engineering. Why are WOMEN the best ENGINEERS in the WORLD?
> Because they can DEMOLISH an ERECTION without damaging the
> STRUCTURE!

> Don't make love to a policewoman; she will say "STOP".
> Don't make love to a nurse, she will say "NEXT",
> but make love to a bus conductor, she will say, "MASUK DALAM LAGI!!"

> Man: I wanna buy condom
> Salesgirl: May I hold your penis for size?
> Give him a 'M'. Wait.......
> Give him 'L'.. wait... give him 'XL'....
> Oh shit.... Give me a TISSUE.....

> An Arab interviewd at the US Checkpoint.
> Officer: Your name please?
> Arab Guy: Abdul Aziz
> Officer: Sex?
> Arab Guy: Six times a week.
> Officer: I mean male or female?
> Arab Guy: Doesn't matter, sometimes even camel.

> Dracula asks God,
> "May I reincarnate into a white angel with wings and still suck blood?"
> God said "OK, I'll turn you into a KOTEX!"

> Teacher: Why you rub oil on your head whenever I am teaching?
> Student: Last night, I heard my mum told my dad, rub oil on the HEAD.
> If not, cannot go in.

> British aged 90 married a 16 years old. He had baby every year and
> bragged that his engine was turbo. When the fifth was born, the nurse
> said, "Check engine oil, baby is black".

> A man went to the hospital for a checkup. The doctor said he has penis
> cancer. He went home, upset, shouted at his wife with anger, "SEE, I
> TOLD YOU TO STOP SMOKING!"

> Farmer ordered a MILKING MACHINE. Tried it on his penis and had a
> wonderful orgasm, but can't remove it. So, he reads the manual and
> faints. It says "AUTO RELEASE AFTER 2 LITRES"

> Teacher: Why do cow look depressed when being milked?
> Student: Madam, if someone rubs and squeeze your breasts for 2 hours
> but don't f*** you, how would you feel?

> Woman asked God to make the penis pretty. He said no way.
> Now it's ugly and you suck it. If it is pretty, you would eat it.

> Finally doctors have found a cure to treat male SARS patients. 3 times
> a day, they are required to Shake, And Release Sperm.

MicroSoft extends their grip to outer space
The future of space travel as I see it.......

Astronaut: "Uh, Huston we have a problem."

Huston: "Roger that what is the nature of the problem? Over"

Astronaut: "Yeah there's some kind of blue screen on all the monitors, over."

Huston: "Yeah what you will want to do is hold your breath for about twenty minutes and initialize a reboot sequence, over."

Astronaut: "You're kidding right? Over."

Huston: ".......yeah you wished...and yeah it is over"

Astronaut: "Uh, Huston we have a problem."

Huston: "Roger that what is the nature of the problem? Over"

Astronaut: "Yeah I got a popup, over."

Man Who Loved Baked Beans Mark as unread


Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his
birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her
that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed
somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a
blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if
he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not
peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.

The Test Mark as unread


Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."

Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents Mark as unread


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."

Man Falls Asleep At Church... Mark as unread


One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

Things To Do In An Elevator Mark as unread


1) When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them
on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile,
and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the
wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they
know what floor your on.

5) Hold the doors open and say your saiting for a friend. After
a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day
been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then
scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on,
ask if they have an apointment.

9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to
play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask
them if they can hear ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency
procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay,
don't panic, they open again!"

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "Group Hig!"and then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and
muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering
inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the
wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in
horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other
passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then
announce, "I have new socks on".

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to
the other passnegers, "This is MY personal space!"

Courtroom Gaffes Mark as unread


Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers
Journal, the following are 22 questions actually asked of
witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the
responses given by insightful witnesses:

"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

"Were you present when your picture was taken?"

"Were you alone or by yourself?"

"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

"Did he kill you?"

"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

"How many times have you committed suicide?"

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon,
didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy.

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: I have been since early childhood.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere.

Cuckoo Clock Mark as unread


The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I
told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy.
At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just
as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up
and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed
another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a
quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible
conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told
her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got
away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked
her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three
times, then said "oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more,
and then farted."

The New Priest Mark as unread


A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The
monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on
the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I
start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the
beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He
proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after
mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10.We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11.When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take
this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

12.The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the
Cherry".

13.The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub,
thanks for the grub, yeah God". and finally...

14.Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at
St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

My son's more successful than yours. Mark as unread


Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they
were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a
phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to
the first tee.

"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself
in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now
owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful,
in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a
brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his
career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership.
"He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a
friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a
stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the
last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio
as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell
him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny
are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned
out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser,
and I've just recently discovered he's gay."

As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the
bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last
three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars,
and a big stock portfolio."

Who Died the Worst Death? Mark as unread


Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven.
However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit
33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the
worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in
turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was
cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one
afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When
I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife
was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't
find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place
I looked was out on the balcony.

I found the ******* hanging from the edge, trying to get back
in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he
yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer,
and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors
screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the *******. He
landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the
kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and
hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed
him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went
back into the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then,
telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this
apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning
exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the
sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily,
I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and
holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when
this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and
started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but
he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull
myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my
fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I
landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of
luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous
refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and
crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken
bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a
refrigerator..."

Smuggler Mark as unread


Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large
bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the
bags?"

"Sand," answers Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that ~ get off the bike." The guard
takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing
in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed,
only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the
man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags
contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the
border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every week for three years. Finally,
Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a cantina in
Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's
driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you
and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

Three Wishes Each for a Bear and a Rabbit Mark as unread


One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a
water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen
another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was
chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you
are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both
three wishes. Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a
minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the
bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and
immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of
the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all
the bears in the next forest were female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it
and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was
asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked
for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I
wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that
the bear was gay."