Anti UNIX:

* If Unix is the answer, then it must have been a stupid question.
* Unix is the only virus with a command-interface.
* How can an operating system from 1970 (UNIX) be more modern than an operating system from 1978 (VMS)?
* Unix - the first computer virus.
* NFS = Nightmare File System.
* Berkeley is famous for LSD and BSD UNIX. I don't think that is a coincidence.
* Sure, the Unix file system corrupts your files, but look how fast it is!
* Friends don't let friends use Unix.
* Unix - the ideal operating system for CPU's that are never powered up.
* Nothing wrong with Unix that a total redesign and rewrite can not fix.
* UNIX will be preempted by NT. UNIX doesn't know it yet - it won't notice until it's too late, because UNIX is the Yugoslavia of software, at war with itself -- but it's all over.
* The users of Unix systems said speed wasn't an issue when the Alpha chip was released. The same people tell their wives and girlfriends that size doesn't matter.
* If Unix were a beer, then it would be shipped in open casks so that anybody could piss in it before delivery.
* UNIX is user friendly. It's just selective about who its friends are.
* UNIX is akin to a religion to some. If things aren't done like they are in UNIX, then they must be bad. Sorry, I don't believe in this religion.
* UNIX is a four-letter word!
* VI = Virtually Incomprehensible.
* Unix is about as user friendly as a blow in the back from an ice-pick, only not quite as productive.
* What has happend, when a system-manager gets gray-haired in one day ? One day with a UNIX system !
* How do you pronounce UNIX ? You Nix !
* Cretin and UNIX both start with C.
* The scariest thing about Jurassic Park was that the control systems were Unix.
* Why is using a UNIX system like being an Enuch? Everytime you go to do something important, you realize something critical is missing.

Al Cmds

Forgotten Assembly Language Commands


ARG Agree to run garbage
BBT Branch on binary tree
BBW Branch both ways
BEW Branch either way
BH Branch and hang
BMR Branch multiple registers
BOB Branch on bug
BOD Beat on drum
BOI Byte operator immediately
BPDI Be polite, don't interrupt
BPO Branch on power off
BST Backspace and stretch tape
CEMU Close eyes and monkey with user space
CLBR Clobber register
CLBRI Clobber register immediately
CM Circulate memory
CPAR Crumple paper and rip
CRB Crash and burn
CRR Convert to Roman Numerals
CU Convert to unary
CZZC Convert zone to ZIP code
DC Divide and conquer
DWIMNWIS Do what I mean, not what I say
DMPK Destroy memory protect key
DNPG Do not pass go
DO Divide and overflow
EIOC Execute invalid opcode
EMPC Emulate pocket calculator
EPI Execute programmer immediately
EROS Erase read-only storage
EXOP Execute operator
EXPP Execute political prisoner
FSRA Forms skip and run away
GFD Go forth and divide
GFM Go forth and multiply
HCF Halt and catch fire
IBP Insert bug and proceed
IIB Ignore inquiry and branch
LCC Load and clear core
MBF Multiply and be fruitful
MLR Move and lose record
PBC Print and break chain
PD Play dead
PDSK Punch disk
PI Punch invalid
POPI Punch operator immediately
PS* Punch obscenity
PSD Pause and smoke dope
PVLC Punch variable length card
RAT Random Access Tape
RD Reverse directions
RDS Read sideways
RIRG Read inter-record gap
RPM Read programmer's mind
RSC Read and shred card
RSD On read error self destruct
RSTOM Read from store-only memory
RWCR Rewind card reader
SDJ Send data to Japan
SHAB Shift a bit
SHLBM Shift a little bit more
SMR Skip on meaningless result
SOT Sit on a tack
SQSW Scramble program status word
SQPC Sit quietly and play with your crayons
SRSD Seek record and scar disk
SRZ Subtract and reset to zero
SSJ Select stacker and jam
STROM Store in read-only memory
TDB Transfer and drop bits
UER Update and erase record
WBT Water binary tree
WEMG Write eighteen-minute gap
WPM Write programmer's mind
XSP Execute systems programmer
ZAM Zero all memory

The Spy caption for this picture, taken after a celebrity auction, was, "Shaquille O'Neal shows off his new $75 a week houseboy." Pretty funny, but surely you can do better than that! So click here to mail me your caption for this picture of Bill getting carried away, Armani shoes and all. I'll put the funny ones on this page, although I will probably not have time to reply to individual messages. I've gotten some great ones so far:

Hey, Mr. Big! I said I wanted a snaq not a shaq!
(from bolinb@cadvision.com)

Fame and Fortune Have Gone To His Head!
Bill Insists on Being Carried Everywhere.
(from rhoadsc@fast.net [Christine J. Rhoads])

Obviously, this is a picture of Bill Gates's new book - The Road Ahead, Part II...Lost in Cyberspace.
(from schen@cnct.com [Sherman Chen])

Shaq sez: "I'm gonna slam dunk this muthafuc*a..."
(from superdan@krypton.mankato.msus.edu [Dan Bailey])

Shaq's new laptop
(from 103043.1271@compuserve.com)

Bill smiled as the baby sitter said, "If you go to bed now like a good boy, Billy, I'll tell your parents and maybe they will let you play with the computer tomorrow."
(from nightbrd@humboldt1.com [Doug Myers])

The seven-foot-tall baketball center denies reports he married for money.
(from tussing@husc.harvard.edu [Justin Tussing])

"Good, and another million if you give me a piggy back ride to Burger King."
(from fnotaro@castle.net [Frank Notaro])

Take me to your barber, I could use a haircut like yours...
(from ssax@spider.lloyd.com)

A LIGHT SNACK
(from kitkat4888@aol.com)

..and the geeks shall inherit the earth...
(from bmarefat@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu [Babak Marefat])

Shaquin' up with Bill
(from ktribble@coe.uga.edu [Kelly Tribble])

Arnold and Danny DeVito move over...it's "Twins: The Second Batch"!
(from ooch@wam.umd.edu [Ooch])

Evidently, money CAN buy everthing!
(from gwalker@bml.ca [Graham Walker])

After borowing a pair of Armani's from O.J., Shaq puts his shine boy back up on the shelf.
(from Italian300@aol.com [George Mancuso])

"Look Bill, no hands!"
(from mscarne@postoffice.utas.edu.au [Matt])

"He's really got nice hands!" --Bill Gates
(from davnad@cbvcp.com [Nadeen and David Warren])

Shaq says, "Shut up and smile for the camera - you weigh more than an XT and you're twice as slow!"
(from cpage@iinet.net.au [Clint Page])

"He ain't heavy...He's my brutha!"
(from mrfixit@cdsnet.net [Marty])

"Where did you say the shredder was?"
(from ralph@falcon.cc.ukans.edu [Ralph P. Reed])

"That's right. 1/2 the profits from 95, or I drop you again."
(from obremski@fdu.edu [Greg Obremski])

Shaq: Admit that 95 sucks, or I break you like a f***in twig.
Gates: YesSIR!
(from shadwrnr@jax-inter.net [Holden Shearer])

I'll show ya how ta slam dork!
(from TAronson@ci.hemet.ca.us [Tom Aronson])

Uhhh, Ma'am, you dropped this a couple of miles back from the top of your car, is it yours?
(from nap@stic.net)

Hey Mom, look what I found - - - can I keep him . . . ?
(from kellyjp@ibm.net)

"Bill, it's just a publicity shot..GET YOUR HAND OFFA MY BALLS!!"
(from dblake@stellar.bc.ca [Dave Blake])

Bill Gates demonstrates what critics fear will happen if the new Microsoft "Point-and-Click" Constitution is adopted by Congress.
(from bsummers@telepath.com [Bob Summers])

Shaq, If you drop me, you'll find out why I'm left handed.
(from cja1@airmail.net [C.J. Armstrong])

Once over the threshold, it's legal!
(submitted by sharkmaw@eden.com [Laura Shaw] for a friend who wishes to remain anonymous)

Satan says your time's up, you've got to go!
(from sharkmaw@eden.com [Laura Shaw])

Cash & carry
(from lucky@stpb.soft.net)

We've got to quit meeting like this!
(from SynQu@aol.com)

Shaq: "Umm...miss...remember to bring a shovel the next time you walk your dog."
(from gameboy@kfmw.net [Robert Swackhamer])

"Was it really you that said Netscape Navigator users were sissies, Bill?"
(from mcspencer@direclynx.net [Mark Spencer])

"See, I told you I could; he isn't that heavy. Now, you hold him, Steve, while I get the shovel." --Shaq to Steve Jobs
(from shaycrk@mother.com)

Shaq: "I found him on the lawn holding a lantern again!"
(from quincy@ccnn.net [Quincy])

After buying Windows '95 and getting fed up with using the Microsoft helpline, Shaq desperately decides to take tech support into his own hands.
(from toasters@znet.com [mike])

"Gee, I never thought 20 billion dollars would ever feel this light!"
(from icom@cadvision.com [Armando Ruggeri])

[cover of Forbes] SPECIAL ISSUE: The things money can buy but we'd rather not know about
(from pmarker@raider.grcc.cc.mi.us)

"...Which way to the window?"
(from TIER-1@worldnet.att.net [Agent])

"I love him as much as all my other kids, he's just a little different."
(from kchern@vossnet.co.uk)

"I warned you, one way or the other I WILL get Microsoft product support."
(from Michael.Lewin@cern.ch [Mike Lewin])

After a few hands of five card stud, settling with the lawyers, accountants, Bill gets carried home with just the clothes on his back.
(from lost@wwa.com [lost on the net])

"Hey everybody, look what I found in the 'hood! A cute l'il *white* boy! Let's have a cook out!"
(from aitch@ozemail.com.au [Paul Hallett])

DROP HIM SHAQ! Preferably down a 100 mile gorge. I want my Mac back! AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH
(from conniegn@microlink.net [Connie Goodnow])

"If I put a lantern in his hand, do you think the neighbors will be upset if I put him on the front lawn? "
(from CFubar@aol.com)

"But Shaqy, I don't want to take a bath!"
(from 1120vmx1@inet.westshore.cc.mi.us [VmadameX])

Slam This!
(from user2@m.batc.tec.ut.us [User2])

Bill, I'll give you 10 seconds to move your hand, or I WILL slam dunk ya!
(from banks2@discover-net.net [d*** Banks])

"Hey, Shaq,... is that a roll of quarters in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"
(from johnl@omeganet.es [John and MaAngeles Love])

Decoding Windows Errors

This is a secret list of error codes culled from Microsoft's in house manual.

WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger.

WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet.

WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file.

WinErr: 004 Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong.

WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused.

WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Desqview found on drive.

WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware.

WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments.

WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened.

WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full.

WinErr: 00B Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB.

WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More RAM needed. More!

WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside.

WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside.

WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened.

WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers.

WinErr: 011 Window open - Do not look outside.

WinErr: 012 Window closed - Do not look inside.

WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh?

WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.

WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old windows license is not Valid anymore.

WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!

WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry

WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that

WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate

WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code

WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait

WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers

WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Remaining errors will be lost

WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again

WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue

WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Next error will not be displayed or recorded

WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure

WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available

so lame.......

i'm not sure whether this being posted before or not...

TEACHER : Why are you late?
BALGOBIN : Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign?
BALGOBIN : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER : Balgobin, why are you doing your math sums on the floor?
BALGOBIN : You told me to do it without using tables!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER : Balgobin, how do you spell "crocodile"?
BALGOBIN : "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
BALGOBIN : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER : What is the chemical formula for water?
BALGOBIN : "HIJKLMNO! "!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
BALGOBIN : Yesterday you said it's H to O!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER : Balgobin, go to the map and find North America.
BALGOBIN : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS : Balgobin!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER : Balgobin, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
BALGOBIN : Me!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER : Balgobin, why do you always get so dirty?
BALGOBIN : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BALGOBIN : Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER : I think so. What do you want me to write?
BALGOBIN : Your name on this report card.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER : How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
BALGOBIN : Don't bite any.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER : Balgobin, give me a sentence starting with "I".
BALGOBIN : I is...
TEACHER : No, Balgobin. Always say, "I am."
BALGOBIN : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER : "Can anybody give an example of "COINCIDENCE?"
BALGOBIN : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
BALGOBIN : "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BALGOBIN : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
FATHER : No. Why do you ask that?
BALGOBIN : Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots!
BALGOBIN : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just like that at home.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER : Now, children, if I saw a man beating adonkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?
BALGOBIN : Brotherly love?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER : Now, Balgobin, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
BALGOBIN : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER : Balgobin, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
BALGOBIN : No, teacher, it's the same dog!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
BALGOBIN : A teacher

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher
says to the class "Go home and think of a story
and then conclude with the moral of the story
was.....".

The following day the teacher asks for the first
volunteer to tell their story. Suzy raises her
hand, "My daddy owns a farm and every Sunday
we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive
into town to sell them at the market. Well one
Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew
out of the basket and onto the road.

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy
replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one
basket." "Well done, Suzy. Now who wants to go
next?" asks the teacher. Lucy quickly raises her
hand. "Well, my dad owns a farm too and every
weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them
in the incubator. Last weekend, only 8 of the 12
eggs hatched." "And the moral?"

Lucy replies, "Don't count your chickens before
they're hatched.". "Excellent, Lucy. Who's next?

Johnny jumps up. "My dad fought in the Vietnam
War, his plane was shot down over enemy
territory. He was able to jump out before it
crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun
and a machete. On the way down, he drank the
whole case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right
in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot
70 with his machine gun until he ran out of bullets.
Then, he pulled out his machete and killed 20
more. But the blade on his machete broke, so he
killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looks at Johnny with a shocked
expression, "My goodness Johnny. Can there
possibly be a moral to this story?

Johnny replies, "Yes.... Don't f*** with my dad
when he's drinking".

A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level
when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He
goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no
equipment stays with him. He takes out a
waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell
can you stay down this deep without equipment?"
The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You
*******, I'm drowning."

from sms:

I heard that there's this bar that serves this cocktail called "Feeling of being conned". Thinking that it was cool, and it was in the cocktail categories, and costs RM20, I bought it to try it out.

It really is "feeling of being conned". Its PLAIN WATER.

This post has been edited by soggie: Sep 19 2004, 01:32 PM

I'm an ex INTI student.

this is what i've got from my mail today...

>>>The Typical China-Man
>>>
>>>There was once an Chinese man called Ah Beng who was
>>>involved in
>>>a terrible car accident. In the hospital, when he
>>>gained his consciousness, he called out for the nurse
>>>to know what had happened to him. "I'm very sorry,
>>>sir, but you had involved in a very bad car
>>>crash". "Car crash! ***!! My Marcelly (aka Mercedes )
>>>! My Marcelly! Is my car all right?" he asked
>>>hysterically. Sir, your car was destroyed, but that is
>>>the least of your worries. You've lost your left arm
>>>in the crash, and we were unable to
>>>save it", she said apologetically. "I lost my arm? My
>>>Rolex! My Rolex piu leh!" "Sir, please calm down. That
>>>is the least of your worries. You
>>>are in a very critical condition and all your family
>>>are here to see you". He asked for his family to be
>>>called in. As they gathered around the bed, he called
>>>for each of them.
>>>"Wife, are you here?"
>>>"I am here husband, and I will never leave you"
>>>"Son, are you here?"
>>>"I am here father, and I will never leave you"
>>>"Daughter, are you here?"
>>>"I am here father, and I will never leave you."
>>>"Well," said Ah Beng thoughtfully, "if all of you are
>>>here,
>>>WHO THE HELL IS LOOKING AFTER THE SHOP?!!! *** NIA
>>>SENG!!!"

A SPOONFUL OF HUMOR
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time."

"That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "as I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mom!' It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," replied the young man. "I'd be happy to do it."

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good-bye, Mom!" and waved at her.

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $317.99.

"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the
following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I
come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

" You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country.......we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex
lives........" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make
weekly
collections from all the private businesses that
they were 'protecting'.

Feeling the heat from the police force, they
decided to use a deaf person for this job. If he
were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to
communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks
up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep
the money and stashes it in a safe place.

The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is
late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf
collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and
ask him where the money is. The deaf collector
can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags
the guy to an interpreter. The Mafia hood says to
the interpreter, "Ask him where the money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"

The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're
talking about." The interpreter tells the hood,
"He says he doesn't know what you're talking
about."

The hood pulls out a large gun and places it in
the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where
the money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"

The deaf man replies, "The $50,000 is in Central
Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left
from the West 78th Street gate ."

The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he
still doesn't know what you're talking about, and
doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger."

pwned :p

wow! smart fella! now this is a good interpretator

A Male Blond Joke

A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten *******, "says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

This post has been edited by bioweapon83: Sep 24 2004, 03:54 PM

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.
Up to 60 mph.

"I want the car, too," he continues.

65 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat." The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says.

"Oh, really?" he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

Never underestimate how a woman thinks.


Moral of the story:
Don't buy Toyota VIOS as it has only one airbag. The husband sure die laa and wife got
everything. If WAJA both will jalan (no airbag) unless WAJA premium.

GOOD !!! i like to read smart story.

Funny

cheers~