thanks for the jokes,guys!!!

yaya....there's too many jokes ...i cant read them all
i still hav some joke:

one upon a time , there's a man passes a church in bus ,he saw a beautiful sister outside there, so he wanted to hav sexual intercourse with the sister.but of course , she ignored he.the man still dont give up,he went there by bus every day,but failed.
one day , the male bus driver gave him an idea , take a mask of Jesus ,dress up like Jesus and order the sister to have sex with him, the man followed the driver's idea.
in the midnight of that day , the sister passes the hall and saw "Jesus" there."Jesus" command her to come and hav sex with her.the sister said fine , but she begged the man in case to protect her purity , please just have sex through a$$ hole .the man agree , after done their business, the man toke down his mask and laught to the sister .he said ,"hahaha..you hav fall in my trap , i'm not jesus , but a normal person...hahaha"
after he said that ,the sister also take down her mask,said,"me too , i'm the bus driver......."

one more joke:

there were three mouses who like to bull shit,one day they meet each other,

first mouse said:i ate the poisonous chees as Panado...arhhh....it's tasty
second mouse said:i always exercise with using the mouse trap...
the last mouse said:can you all see the pregnant cat there? i cause it.......

(i would like to declare here , i am no a heavy sexual desire person.......)

I oso wanna declare here. Me no a understand lu punya Englise

aiyo....i so sad lar....no one understand wat i,m talking....

Typical Chinaman
----------------------

There was once an Chinese man called Ah Beng who was involved in a terrible car accident. In the hospital, when he gained his consciousness, he called out for the nurse to know what had happened to him.

"I'm very sorry, sir, but you had involved in a very bad car crash".
"Car crash! ***!! My Marcelly (aka Mercedes ) ! My Marcelly! Is my car all right?" he asked hysterically.
"Sir, your car was destroyed, but that is the least of your worries.
You've lost your left arm in the crash, and we were unable to save it", she said apologetically.

"I lost my arm? My Rolex! My Rolex piu leh!"
"Sir, please calm down. That is the least of your worries. You are in a very critical condition and all your family are here to see you".

He asked for his family to be called in.
As they gathered around t he bed, he called for each of them.

"Wife, are you here?"
"I am here husband, and I will never leave you"
"Son, are you here?"
"I am here father, and I will never leave you"
"Daughter, are you here?"
"I am here father, and I will never leave you."

"Well," said Ah Beng thoughtfully, "if all of you are here,
WHO THE HELL IS LOOKING AFTER THE SHOP?!!! *** NIA SENG!!!"

Woh... such Chinaman like behaviour.

haha

A housewife takes a lover during the day
> while her husband is at
> work. Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding
> in the closet. Her
> husband came home unexpectedly. She decided to hide
> her lover in the closet.
> Now the boy has company ......
> Boy: "Dark in here."
> Man: "Yes it is."
> Boy: "I have a baseball."
> Man: "That's nice."
> Boy: "Want to buy it?"
> Man: "No, thanks."
> Boy: "My dad's outside."
> Man: "OK, how much?"
> Boy: "$250."
> In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy
> and the mom's lover are
> again in the closet together.
> Boy: "Dark in here."
> Man: "Yes, it is."
> Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
> Man: "How much?"
> Boy: "$750."
> Man: "Fine."
> A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab
> your glove. Let's go
> outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I
> can't. I sold them." The
> father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The
> son says, "$1,000." The
> father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your
> friends like that. That's
> way more than those two things cost. I'm gonna take
> you to church and make
> you confess." They go to church and the father
> alerts the priest, and makes
> the little boy sit in the confession booth and
> closes the door.
> The boy says, "Dark in here."
> The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!"

Cybersex went wrong


Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high
heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are
36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I
have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I'm also
wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from
dinner...it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into
your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.


Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk
slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and
rubbing.


Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra.My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching
back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my
breasts. My nipples are erect for you.


Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?


Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.


Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?


Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm
fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep
your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.


Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the
cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm
lost. Where's the bedroom? I can't find it.

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.


Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.


Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper.
Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my
way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.


Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?


Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night
table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray,
picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.


Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God!
One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm
pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

Sweetheart: "logged off"

Is it funny?

chicks(not gals, is chicks) acrobik

hit me

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The missionary is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."

97 Things you do NOT want your System Administrator to say.
1. Uh-oh.....
2. Shit!!
3. What the hell!?
4. Go get your backup tape. (You do have a backup tape?)
5. That's SOOOOO bizarre.
6. Wow!! Look at this.....
7. Hey!! The suns don't do this.
8. Terminated??!
9. What software license?
10. Well, it's doing something.....
11. Wow....that seemed fast.....
12. I got a better job at Lockheed...
13. Management says...
14. Sorry, the new equipment didn't get budgetted.
15. What do you mean that wasn't a copy?
16. It didn't do that a minute ago...
17. Where's the GUI on this thing?
18. Damn, and I just bought that pop...
19. Where's the DIR command?
20. The drive ate the tape but that's OK, I brought my screwdriver.
21. I cleaned up the root partition and now there's lots of free space.
22. What's this "any" key I'm supposed to press?
23. Do you smell something?
24. What's that grinding sound?
25. I have never seen it do *that* before...
26. I think it should not be doing that...
27. I remember the last time I saw it do that...
28. You might as well all go home early today ...
29. My leave starts tomorrow.
30. Ooops.
31. Hmm, maybe if I do this...
32. "Why is my "rm *.o" taking so long?"
33. Hmmm, curious...
34. Well, my files were backed up.
35. What do you mean you needed that directory?
36. What do you mean /home was on that disk? I umounted it!
37. Do you really need your home directory to do any work?
38. Oracle will be down until 8pm, but you can come back in and finish your work when it comes up tonight.
39. I didn't think anybody would be doing any work at 2am, so I killed your job.
40. Yes, I chowned all the files to belong to pvcs. Is that a problem to you?
41. We're standardizing on AIX.
42. Wonder what this command does?
43. What did you say your (l)user name was...? ;-)
44. You did what to the floppy???
45. Sorry, we deleted that package last week...
46. NO! Not that button!
47. Uh huh......"nu -k $USER".. no problem....sure thing...
48. Sorry, we deleted that package last week...
49. [looks at workstation] "Say, what version of DOS is this running?"
50. Oops! (said in a quiet, almost surprised voice)
51. YEEEHA!!! What a CRASH!!!
52. What do you mean that could take down the whole network?
53. What's this switch for anyways...?
54. Tell me again what that '-r' option to rm does
55. Say, What does "Superblock Error" mean, anyhow?
56. If I knew it wasn't going to work, I would have tested it sooner.
57. Was that your directory?
58. System coming down in 0 min....
59. The backup procedure works fine, but the restore is tricky!
60. Hey Fred, did you save that posting about restoring filesystems with vi and a toothpick? More importantly, did you print it out?
61. OH, SH*T! (as they scrabble at the keyboard for ^c).
62. The sprinkler system isn't supposed to leak is it?
63. It is only a minor upgrade, the system should be back up in a few hours. (This is said on a monday afternoon.)
64. I think we can plug just one more thing in to this outlet strip with out triping the breaker.
65. What is all this I here about static charges destroying computers?
66. I found this rabbit program that is supposed to test system performance and I have it running now.
67. Ummm... Didn't you say you turned it off?
68. The network's down, but we're working on it. Come back after diner. (Usually said at 2200 the night before thesis deadline...)
69. Ooops. Save your work, everyone. FAST!
70. Boy, it's a lot easier when you know what you're doing.
71. I hate it when that happens.
72. And what does it mean 'rm: .o: No such file or directory'?
73. Why did it say '/bin/rm: not found'?
74. Nobody was using that file /vmunix, were they?
75. You can do this patch with the system up...
76. What happens to a Hard Disk when you drop it?
77. The only copy of Norton Utilities was on THAT disk???
78. Well, I've got a backup, but the only copy of the restore program was on THAT disk....
79. What do mean by "fired"?
80. hey, what does mkfs do?
81. where did you say those backup tapes were kept?
82. ...and if we just swap these two disc controllers like this...
83. don't do that, it'll crash the sys........ SHIT
84. what's this hash prompt on my terminal mean?
85. dd if=/dev/null of=/vmunix
86. find /usr2 -name nethack -exec rm -f {};
87. now it's funny you should ask that, because I don't know either
88. Any more trouble from you and your account gets moved to the 750
89. Ooohh, lovely, it runs SVR4
90. SMIT makes it all so much easier......
91. Can you get VMS for this Sparc thingy?
92. I don't care what he says, I'm not having it on my network
93. We don't support that. We won't support that.
94. ...and after I patched the microcode...
95. You've got TECO. What more do you want?
96. We prefer not to change the root password, it's an nice easy one
97. Just add yourself to the password file and make a directory...