good malay jokes....ahahahahaa
lawak la nie......lol
nie reka sendiri ker...atau amik kat mane2??

e-mail

The effects of not viewing porn???!

I suppose porn isn't completely useless in this context.

i dunno where to post this up since i got this from friendster's bulletin Board and here it goes:-

IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE,

SET HER FREE...

IF SHE COMES BACK, SHE'S YOURS,

IF SHE DOESN'T, SHE NEVER WAS...

---------------------------------------------------------------------
The New Versions.....

*
Pessimist:

If you love someone,

Set her free...

If she ever comes back, she's yours,

If she doesn't, as expected, she never was.

**
Shakespeare:

If you love someone,

Set her free...

If she ever comes back, she's yours,

If she doesn't, here's the poison,

Suicide yourself for her.

***
Optimist:

If you love someone,

Set her free...

Don't worry, she will come back.

****
Suspicious:

If you love someone,

Set her free...

If she ever comes back, ask her why.

*****
Impatient:

If you love someone,

Set her free...

If she doesn't comes back within some time,

Forget her.

******
Patient:

If you love someone,

Set her free...

If she doesn't come back,

Continue to wait until she comes back.

*******
Playful:

If you love someone,

Set her free...

**If she comes back, and if you love her still,

Set her free again, repeat**

********
C++ Programmer:

If(you-love(m_she))

m_she.free()

if(m_she NULL)

m_she new CShe.

*********
Animal-Rights Activist:

If you love someone,

Set her free,

In fact, all living creatures deserve to be

Free!!

**********
Lawyers:

If you love someone,

Set her free,

Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second

Amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act

Clearly states that...

***********
Bill Gates:

If you love someone,

Set her free,

If she comes back, I think we can charge her for

Re-installation fees but

Tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

************
Biologist:

If you love someone,

Set her free,

She'll evolve.

*************
Statisticians:

If you love someone,

Set her free,

If she loves you,

The probability of her coming back is high,

If she doesn't,

The Weibull distribution and your relation was

Improbable anyway.

**************
Schwarzenegger's fans:

If you love someone,

Set her free,

SHE'LL BE BACK!

***************
Salesman:

If you love someone,

Set her free...

If she ever comes back, deal!

If she doesn't, so what! "NEXT".

****************
Insurance agent:

If you love someone,

Show her the plan...

If she ever comes back, sign her up,

If she doesn't, keep follow up with her and

Never give up!

*****************
Physician:

If you love someone,

set her free...

If she ever comes back, it's the law of gravity,

If she doesn't, either there's friction higher

Than the force or the angle of collision between

Two objects did not synchronize at the right angle.

******************
Mathematician:

If you love someone,

Set her free...

If she ever comes back, 1 + 1 2 (peanut!),

If she doesn't, Y 2X - log(0.46Y^2 + (cos

(52/34X)) x 5Y^(-0.5)c) where ?c?

is the infinite constant of no turning point.

*******************
Nowadays' style:

If You Love Someone,

Set it free,

If It Comes Back, It is Yours

If It Doesn't, Hunted Down and Kill It... !!! OR

PERHAPS REPORT TO IMMIGRATION THAT

SHE/HE IS ANILLEGAL IMMIGRANT.....

********************
The real thing is:

If you love someone,

WHY IN THE FIRST PLACE SET HER FREE?

CARELESS IDIOT!!!

all begin with set her free...lol

Flat Tire

A Software guy, a Hardware guy and a Mainframe guy are driving across the desert when they get a flat tire. The Mainframe guy says, "Well, now we have to get a new car."

The Hardware guy says, "I got a better idea. Let's rotate the tires and see if we can isolate the problem."

The Software guy says, "Nah, let's run it another thirty miles and see if the problem reoccurs."

CHILD: Dad, where did I come from?

DAD: Okay, we had to have this conversation some day!.. Listen...Dad
and mom met in a chat room on the net. I set up a meeting with your
mom and we landed in the bathroom at the Cyber Cafe Then, mom did some
downloads from dads memory stick and when dad was ready to upload, we
discovered that there was no firewall.. Seeing that it was a bit too
late to cancel, I just carried on doing the upload. Nine months later,
the damn virus appeared!.

CHILD: Huh?

this one is to mean for that kids......lol

Number One Idiot of 2003

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because
she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her
that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her
daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the
conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant
poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better
bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Two Idiot of 2003

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to
steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in
getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a
float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming
towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the
emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Three Idiot of 2003

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the
Branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."
Whil e standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he
began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call
the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank
of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells
Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that
he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could
not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of
America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells
Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was
arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank
of America.

Don't bother with this guy' s sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Four Idiot of 2003

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.

He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.

Several days later, he received a letter from the police that
contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.

He immediately mailed in his $40.

Smart*ss... but you still get a sign
~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Five Idiot of 2003

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded
all of the cash from the cash drawer.

After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of
Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the
cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and
said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he
was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't
believe him.

At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet
and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21
and she put the Scotch in the bag.

The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address
of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Six of 2003

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.

The first one shouted, "Nobody moves!" When his partner moved, the
startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Seven of 2003

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided
that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window,
grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it
over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking
him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of
Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. Yep,
Here's your sign

nice...

Four brothers left home for college, and eventually, they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having
dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first son said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred-thousand-dollar theater built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver to her an SL 600."

The fourth said, " Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very well. I met this
priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 priests, 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 20 years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."


The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays, Mom sent out her Thank You notes.


She wrote :

" Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

" Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have
my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes.
The thought was good nonetheless. Thanks."

"Michael, you give me an expensive theater with Dolby
sound ; it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead. I've also lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind.
I'll never use it. But thank you for the gesture, just the same."


" Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you ! "

wtf...the mum just eat the parrot.......she think that the parrot is a chicken........lol

Friends are like underwear, always a comfort.

Good friends are like condom always protecting.
Great friends are like viagra, lift you up when you are down.

***********************************************************************************************

The sad life of a penis " I only have one eye, my hair is a mess, my skin is wrinkly, my

relatives are nuts, my neighbor's an a**hole and my best friend's a pu**y."
************************************************************************************************

Engineering.

Why are WOMEN the best ENGINEERS in the WORLD?

Because they can DEMOLISH an ERECTION without damaging the STRUCTURE!

*************************************************************************************************

Don't make love to a policewoman; she will say "STOP".

Don't make love to a nurse, she will say "NEXT",

but make love to a bus conductor, she will say, "MASUK DALAM !!"
**************************************************************************************************

Man : I want to buy a condom

Salesgirl : May I hold your penis for size? Give him an 'M'. Wait ...

Give him 'L'..wait...give him 'XL'... Oh shit.... Give me a TISSUE .....
***************************************************************************************************

An Arab interview at the US Checkpoint.

Officer: Your name please?
Arab Guy: Abdul Aziz

Officer: Sex?
Arab Guy: Six times a week.

Officer: I mean male or female?
Arab Guy: Doesn't matter, sometimes even a camel.

****************************************************************************************************

Dracula asks God " May I reincarnate into a white angel with wings and still suck blood?"

God said "OK, I'll turn you into a KOTEX !!!"
****************************************************************************************************

Teacher : Why do you rub oil on your head whenever I am teaching?

Student : Last night, I heard my mum told my dad, rub oil on the HEAD. If not, cannot go in.
*****************************************************************************************************

British aged 90 marries a 16 year old. He has a baby every year and bragged that his engine was turbo. When the fifth was born, the nurse said "Check engine oil, baby is black".

*****************************************************************************************************

A man went to the hospital for a checkup. The doctor said he had penis cancer.
He went home, upset, shouted at his wife in anger, "SEE, I TOLD YOU TO STOP SMOKING!"

******************************************************************************************************

Farmer ordered a MILKING MACHINE. Tried it on his penis and had a wonderful orgasm,

but can't remove it. So, he reads the manual and faints. It says "AUTO RELEASE AFTER 2 LITRES".
******************************************************************************************************

Teacher : Why do cows look depressed when being milked?

Student : Madam, if someone rubs and squeeze your breasts for 2 hours but don't f**k you, how would you feel?

*******************************************************************************************************

Woman asked God to make the penis pretty.

He said no way. Now it's ugly and you suck it. If it is pretty, you would eat it.
***************************************************************************************************

^

no words to say but...i will continue laughing...hahahahha...lol

ohhh... no wonder..
hahahah

This oso one of jokes about FRIEND:

A good friend is like a good bra ...holds u up when u r down.....gives u support and always stay close to u

> One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Mike behind
him,
>"My
> elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
>
> "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
> "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just
give
>it
> a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what
to do
> about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a hell of a
lot
> cheaper than a doctor."
>
> So Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the
> drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and
asks
>for
> the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten
>seconds
> later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak
your
>arm
> in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two
weeks.
>
> That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob
>began
> wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water,
a
>stool
> sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter,
> and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
>
> Bob hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He
>deposits
> ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The
>computer
> prints the following:
>
> 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
> 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
> 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
> 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a
lawyer.
> 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get
> better.
>
>
> "Pleasure in the job puts perfection to the work......"

i'm not sure whether this is posted before or not here it is ... (for those who know Chinese ;P)


Attached image(s)