Nov 8 2004, 07:11 PM
Some I read in other forums...
Women
1. How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
2. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
3. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
4. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with, "A man once told me..."
5. How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
6. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
7. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
8. I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
9. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.
10. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
11. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It is called Wedding Cake.
12. Marriage is a 3-ring circus.
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffer-ring.
13. Our last fight was my fault.
My wife asked me, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
14. Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
15. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
16. A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds, "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing... "You can have mine."
17. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
18. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
19. Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't? Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." "What is it, child?" "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am." The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin. It's just a mistake."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of biting their lip to stay calm while these exchanges were taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
_____________________________________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
______________________________________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_________________________________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he does
know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
______________________________________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________________________________
Q: So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition which I
sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
A: Yes.
Q: What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive, practicing law
somewhere.
_________________
Some jokes I've got from forward email ..., Maybe you've read before
Quote
0.0188sec
0.69
6 queries
GZIP Disabled