that your friends.....by tradiotional...dowry is from bridegroom to bride
unless you Indian where reverse happen or UK also.

lol, what make u think so?

sign of trouble if you ask me.

you need to rethink your position and consider postponing your wedding to save up more $$ if the other party insist on this and that.

If the gf understands and stand on TS' side after the discussion, I will buy him nasi lemak ayam rempah + sambal sotong + petai + telur goreng + ikan bilis lebih.

My gut feeling is that she will not understand at all and tell TS that it is a once a life thing and TS should do it for her. And I bet another set of the nasi lemak above that TS will give in. Just like me. I hope that he is not.

aiyoh, don't liddat lah. different financial background mah.

he shud just be prepared ang pau very liddle and have to subsidise a lot lor. Bottom line, don't factor in ang pau but still collect.

For Chinese, groom side gives to bride side. For Indians, it's the bride's family giving the dowry to the groom side.

Few question:

How much time between now and your banquet?

Have both your parents met yet?

Normally dowry is discussed when parents from both side met.

Definitely need to sit down and "negotiate" face to face.

My own story for case study:
Initially also faced similar problem as TS, parents-in-law fickle minded on the dowry, each time they attend 1 marriage, the amount changed.

So I make used of the day where u suppose to send the "gift" to wife house (Normally 1 month before actual day), set the same day as dish sampling with restaurant, parents and in-law meet face to face in restaurant, THEN the negotiation begin.

My mom is a smooth talker, nego from pure $$ dowry to gold jewelries (comes in set of 3) + 10 sponsored banquet table (meaning I pay for the table but ang pow kept by in-law) + "small" angpow.

When it comes to actual day banquet, somehow i manage to break even, despite sponsoring 10 tables, problem solve.

PS: My table cost is RM800

PSS: My mom talked so smooooth that at some point she did hint that if in-law set too high that I can't afford, might as well call it off, see who is more worried, the son or the daughter

PSSS: Is your GF christian? Not sure if she is aware how boring an actual church wedding can be as I've been through as Catholic myself.

This post has been edited by scchan107: Oct 21 2016, 05:26 PM

He will give in. I will top up nasi lemak too.

Sorry to hear your got yourself into this sticky situation.


yes, many people now have done away with dowry, or even hugh dinners to "show off".




Try to make time and talk with the would be in-laws. You have financial plans such as shortening your housing loan and preparing to start a family (trust me, kids are expensive), and you want to limit spending for future.

If the in laws can see you are sound in the head, they might probably let this slip. Better to marry their daughter to a man that can think than someone that goes out in a big bang and nothing else later.



I limited my expenditure by booking an exclusive higher end restaurant that can only seat 100. Yes, the pax is costly, but waaaaaaaaaaay less than 50 tables they usually expect. They also allowed us to use their premise for the day so we did the "garden wedding" with the Pastor and limited guest of close friends and family...so no Church wedding.


That said, you need to be careful if the in laws don't see it this way, which is why it is good to talk to them in person, so you can get a feel for them as they would with you. It could spell trouble especially if your would be wife is the timid sort and will side with her parents...it would be an untold nightmare for you.

Goodluck anyway.

I think you already know that your simple marriage ceremony and the thought of saving money of yours are not going to work then.

I've been there and done that. I suggest that you have your wedding ceremony to be split to your side and her side.

Meaning to say, you are having two separate wedding ceremony. For your side, any red packets received, you are entitled for it. While for your wife side, any red packets, they entitled them.

A common combined ceremony tends to cause up-stir like not enough tables, food not nice and etc. It's best for them to choose what they like rather than being blamed for all sort of nonsense.

The dowry, I advise you to go straight and talk nicely to your parents in law and apologised for whatever you have said that hurt them. Most importantly, ask them what's the amount. When they gave you an amount, you gave them terms.

From what I've experienced by myself and my friends from different dialects, Hakka, Cantonese, Hokkien, Teo Chew and Hainan, you are the man who will be in charge of the family and any payment will comes with a term if they insist of following dowry, customs and etc. A simple term after offering them a dowry will be, you subject the rules whereby there will be no way for your wife or their daughter to go back home to stay because the dowry as from chinese custom is like "pouring water away" and if she goes back, it means the marriage is over and they will need to pay you back due to fail marriage.

The above custom can go on and on and be rough too. But on your condition, I suggest you to pay and ask clearly any other customs like whole roast pig or cut roast pig because this is another tedious stuff.

Marriage is mutual respect and understanding but sometimes, too many cooks spoilt the soup.

It's not tough being a man, it's only tough not to being firm on your decision and sometimes, play around with the rules without offending your parents in law.

Of course, another thing you need to take into consideration is your parents in law relatives' customs. You will more or less need your parents in law to ask all their relatives regarding anything for the preparation which is missing. You wouldn't want last minute confrontation whereby they state that how come roast pig is a small young pig which refer to virgin, innocent and clear of any sins but rather a big enough pig?

There is a lot more jokes which will definitely boil your blood when they appear out of nowhere especially with our chinese customs.

My gf colleague joked to her that she was coming to her wedding and only want to give RM 60. I immediately tell my gf not to invite this colleague.

Its a bit strange to have separate wedding when both of us are from PJ area.

I was firm, until the argument went so bad, that my gf wanted to walk out of the wedding. Ok?

Then I managed to persuade her back into the fold.

They not see it this way lah.

For them, if I say I want to save money for baby for my house, they think I cannot take care of their daughter if I want to cut here and there for the dowry and the wedding.

For them the ability to afford the wedding and dowry is to show I got the ability to take care of her.

Yes she is the timid side and she very listen to her mum. She listen to two person in her life- me and her mum. But when it comes to her mum, I lose flat.

Isn't that a good news? Clearly she knew nothing about future, compromise and the importance of having a man who plans and lay down good foundation for the actual marriage and not a show. Time to look for one who knows how to do that. When you think that you can't find a better one, you are wrong. There is always a better one out there if the one you have currently acts like your gf.

She is very staunch evangelical. She really want the church wedding lah. I headache lah, have to buy flowers and deco for the church. Jee Whiz, my gf think I am ATM. If I want to save money, she say I am not prepared to marry because wedding also I cannot afford.

Well try to smooth talk to her parents lah. They are willing to walk out of the wedding if they have to. My gf has threaten to walk out if I don't pay the dowry.

Yeah I wanted to give gold jewelleries but they refused.

I think this is beyond money and financial. Not that you cant afford. You are not willing to. When you are not willing, there is no point doing. I am saying this from my experience.

There is a saying of "Do not look down at a poor young man who is willing to work". If the parents can't see the potential in you, you GG. Nothing is going to come out good after the "wedding".

I guess my approach to your response might have enraged you. If I do, I sincerely would like to say I meant no harm.

Everyone has their own different way of dealing it and I guess handling it gracefully is important for the whole big thing of yours.

I hope you have a pleasant and happy wedding ahead.

Dowry confirm have to give but amount can nego mar. You are the one that is wrong if u think this is optional. The thing is you and ur gf have to come with agreement first regarding the amount. If is an amount she agree then she have to stand firm in front of her parent, after all marriage is between u 2 and those money are meant u both future use.

Do face this together and not pushing her alone to nego with her parents because clearly is not working else u wont need to start this topic. Better come out an agreement with ur gf then arrange face to face discussion with her parent together. But u have to be very calm and not strain the relationship, present your point why u can only pay this much dowry and listen to their point. In the end if u still cant agree on the amount, dont say straight NO. Just say u need time to consider.

Anyway u are partly at fault, how can u miss the detail on the dowry part and church wedding ? This should all have been settle before invitation is sent out or paying any deposit. So now is mainly nego down the dowry amount, unless her parent given a "heaven price" that is unreasonable then just cancel the wedding. Both side will lose face. But u can always make up excuse like important family member pass away so have to postpone etc.

My advice, if after the face to face and all this drama u still think ur gf is the ONE u want to married. Then just try nego down a bit and paid the dowry amount they want. Is not worth argue for a few thousand and be labeled cheapskate or cause strain to the relationship in her family for the rest of your life. Give her the church wedding too, just remember you paying for the future 40 years happiness of your life, u dont want to marry an angry wife and miserable for the rest of your life.

This post has been edited by chitchat: Oct 21 2016, 05:57 PM

I had to pay a symbolic dowry of rm888, my father in law gave it back as angpow. But honestly i have not heard of any of my chinese friends having to pay a dowry.

you are right, keep it as cheap as possible, in 6 months, no one will remember the wedding/dinner/ceremony....but the debt is still there.

Be responsible and firm...say you arnt a rich man...and you are being prudent and responsible, promise them that one day, when you are in better position financially, then you can provide a decent dowry

No la it did not enrage me la, don't get me wrong.

I am grateful for your advice. Just that I don't think its practical. Sure my mum may master nego with them, but if they agree with jewellery, at the end they still not happy in their heart and they will express it to their daughter, you see.