This should have been discussed prior to even thinking about marriage. Common pitfall when the couple is not communicating well.

never heard of chinese no need pay dowry before.
anyway, you need to sort things out with your GF first. once you have reach a mutual agreement, then only you deal with the parents. both you and your GF, as a team.
else, you'll have a very hard path ahead. even jeopardize your marriage

You must remember, whatever you plan is not necessary what in laws and your GF wanted. Some parents will have very high expectation as if they are selling their daughter. Be prepare.
More discussion is needed until both parties can come to an agreeable terms.

Time to look somewhere else. Just don't go borrow money for wedding, not worth.

Tell ur gf RMxxxxx that im willing to spend. Do a guideline and explain in detail to her. If she still don't get it, time to check if she is really the one.

OK that is sign of trouble. Big trouble. See if you can have a talk with your gf on this issue and get her to side with you.

how much dowry?

Why not?? Rather regret whole life than lose face?

Try talking with the parents, marriage are tough times for all races.  Tougher for us as its our money going out.

But just try talking and try meeting up half way. do your best though, you do not want to strain your relationship with your in-laws. manyak leceh.

who say no need dowry for chinese....you sleeping kah?
no enough money...don't marry.

settle.

That shows the lack of communication between the both of you.

No solid confirmation and yet want extravagant wedding.

Don't you have a budget before really comes into a conclusion?

Its really not about her parents but i think its about her lifestyle.

If card sent out already, now you just have to refinance your plan. Be a man and tell her NO.

Wow, I only had to pay 8k dowry.

For once in your GF's life, she has to be firm.  Both of you agree on a figure, let her work on her parents, then you come in, discuss, and agree.

For weddings, normally the angpow will cover, as long as your table is NOT RM2k++ per table.  Find a reasonable table cost of about 1k/table.  As long as it's KL, you should break even.

P.S. The reason I mentioned KL is because I've heard of really low low angpows in Penang, JB, and elsewhere.

But usually you can get back $$ from the banquet angpaus, based on typical Chinese weddings lah, if you know how to manage and who to invite or not to invite..lol. The other stuff which is purely all out not in are the photos, videos, dress, dai gam jeh, pre-wedding night makan, and other stuff.

I think you already know that your simple marriage ceremony and the thought of saving money of yours are not going to work then.

I've been there and done that. I suggest that you have your wedding ceremony to be split to your side and her side.

Meaning to say, you are having two separate wedding ceremony. For your side, any red packets received, you are entitled for it. While for your wife side, any red packets, they entitled them.

A common combined ceremony tends to cause up-stir like not enough tables, food not nice and etc. It's best for them to choose what they like rather than being blamed for all sort of nonsense.

The dowry, I advise you to go straight and talk nicely to your parents in law and apologised for whatever you have said that hurt them. Most importantly, ask them what's the amount. When they gave you an amount, you gave them terms.

From what I've experienced by myself and my friends from different dialects, Hakka, Cantonese, Hokkien, Teo Chew and Hainan, you are the man who will be in charge of the family and any payment will comes with a term if they insist of following dowry, customs and etc. A simple term after offering them a dowry will be, you subject the rules whereby there will be no way for your wife or their daughter to go back home to stay because the dowry as from chinese custom is like "pouring water away" and if she goes back, it means the marriage is over and they will need to pay you back due to fail marriage.

The above custom can go on and on and be rough too. But on your condition, I suggest you to pay and ask clearly any other customs like whole roast pig or cut roast pig because this is another tedious stuff.

Marriage is mutual respect and understanding but sometimes, too many cooks spoilt the soup.

It's not tough being a man, it's only tough not to being firm on your decision and sometimes, play around with the rules without offending your parents in law.

Of course, another thing you need to take into consideration is your parents in law relatives' customs. You will more or less need your parents in law to ask all their relatives regarding anything for the preparation which is missing. You wouldn't want last minute confrontation whereby they state that how come roast pig is a small young pig which refer to virgin, innocent and clear of any sins but rather a big enough pig?

There is a lot more jokes which will definitely boil your blood when they appear out of nowhere especially with our chinese customs.

Sorry to hear your got yourself into this sticky situation.
yes, many people now have done away with dowry, or even hugh dinners to "show off".
Try to make time and talk with the would be in-laws. You have financial plans such as shortening your housing loan and preparing to start a family (trust me, kids are expensive), and you want to limit spending for future.

If the in laws can see you are sound in the head, they might probably let this slip. Better to marry their daughter to a man that can think than someone  that goes out in a big bang and nothing else later.
I limited my expenditure by booking an exclusive higher end restaurant that can only seat 100.  Yes, the pax is costly, but waaaaaaaaaaay less than 50 tables they usually expect. They also allowed us to use their premise for the day so we did the "garden wedding" with the Pastor and limited guest of close friends and family...so no Church wedding.
That said, you need to be careful if the in laws don't see it this way, which is why it is good to talk to them in person, so you can get a feel for them as they would with you. It could spell trouble especially if your would be wife is the timid sort and will side with her parents...it would be an untold nightmare for you.

Goodluck anyway.

Few question:

How much time between now and your banquet?

Have both your parents met yet?

Normally dowry is discussed when parents from both side met.

Definitely need to sit down and "negotiate" face to face.

My own story for case study:
Initially also faced similar problem as TS, parents-in-law fickle minded on the dowry, each time they attend 1 marriage, the amount changed.

So I make used of the day where u suppose to send the "gift" to wife house (Normally 1 month before actual day), set the same day as dish sampling with restaurant, parents and in-law meet face to face in restaurant, THEN the negotiation begin.

My mom is a smooth talker, nego from pure $$ dowry to gold jewelries (comes in set of 3) + 10 sponsored banquet table (meaning I pay for the table but ang pow kept by in-law) + "small" angpow.

When it comes to actual day banquet, somehow i manage to break even, despite sponsoring 10 tables, problem solve.

PS: My table cost is RM800

PSS: My mom talked so smooooth that at some point she did hint that if in-law set too high that I can't afford, might as well call it off, see who is more worried, the son or the daughter

PSSS: Is your GF christian? Not sure if she is aware how boring an actual church wedding can be as I've been through as Catholic myself.

I guess my approach to your response might have enraged you. If I do, I sincerely would like to say I meant no harm.

Everyone has their own different way of dealing it and I guess handling it gracefully is important for the whole big thing of yours.

I hope you have a pleasant and happy wedding ahead.

Dowry confirm have to give but amount can nego mar. You are the one that is wrong if u think this is optional. The thing is you and ur gf have to come with agreement first regarding the amount. If is an amount she agree then she have to stand firm in front of her parent, after all marriage is between u 2 and those money are meant u both future use.

Do face this together and not pushing her alone to nego with her parents because clearly is not working else u wont need to start this topic. Better come out an agreement with ur gf then arrange face to face discussion with her parent together. But u have to be very calm and not strain the relationship, present your point why u can only pay this much dowry and listen to their point. In the end if u still cant agree on the amount, dont say straight NO. Just say u need time to consider.

Anyway u are partly at fault for missing the dowry part and is too late now since invitation is out, deposit paid. So now is mainly nego down the dowry amount, unless her parent given a "heaven price" that is unreasonable then just cancel the wedding. Both side will lose face. But u can always make up excuse like important family member pass away so have to postpone etc.

My advice, if after the face to face and all this drama u still think ur gf is the ONE u want to married. Then just try nego down a bit and paid the amount they want. Is not worth argue for a few thousand and be labeled cheapskate or cause strain to the relationship in her family for the rest of your life.

pity u TS.
ive been married for sometime now.
and after a couple years of marriage only my wife realize the money that she had spend on the wedding is not worthwhile at all its just money down the drain for nothing actually.

its hard to put some sense into a lady into when she went into this
"wedding zone"they somehow have gone into some sort of fairytale hollywood movies kinda zone.just try to talk to her on what is important and that is the LIFE after marriage.no point a couples of days event and suffer after that.
i think a cheap and classy wedding can be achieve if both parties can compromise.

and BTW seriously if this takes its toll on your relationship and ended your guys have to split due to this differences believe me its better for your life in the long run.you dont want to get married with someone who only sees it their way.

a lady needs to be lead and love. and perhaps now its time to start practicing your leadership skills and take charge of this situation. if your words were always emotional and confrontational plan your talks before you speak and weight the consequences of each decision.

anyway hope it`ll all ends well with a nice and lovely wedding to both of you.

If I'm your fren I wont even go to your wedding with this kinda attitude.