lol good stuff as always alilmisfit!!
Happy chinese new year to you and everyone else here too ^^

Gong Xi Fatt Chai to aLittleMisfit!

Dorm Assignments




On the first day of college, the chancellor addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

The girl’s dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the guys dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time.”

He continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $100. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $300. Are there any questions?”

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: “How much for a semester pass?”




Hundred Dollar Bill Ya’ll


A man goes to a tattoo artist and says: “I’d like you to tattoo a one- hundred dollar bill onto my d***.”

The tattoo artist is surprised: “Well, that could hurt a lot! Why would you want a 100 dollar bill on your d***?”

The man answers, “Three reasons: One: I like to watch my money grow. Two: I like to play with my money. And three: The next time my wife wants to blow a hundred bucks she won’t have to leave the house!”




hope its not a repost >_<

---

Added on January 28, 2009, 10:39 pm
Art is Weird


At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting of three very naked and very black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis. While the couple was scratching their heads trying to figure this out, the artist walked by and noticed the couple’s confusion. “Can I help you with this painting?” he asked.

“Well, yes” said the gentleman. We were curious about this picture of the black men on the bench. Why is it that the man in the middle has a pink penis?”

“Oh” said the artist. “I’m afraid you’ve misunderstood the painting. The three men are not Africans, they’re coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch.”


Statue Revenge


There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, “As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you’ve wished to do the most.”

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, “Um, you have fifteen minutes left. Would you care to do it again?”

He asks her. “Shall we?”

She eagerly replies, “Oh, yes, let’s! But let’s change positions. This time, I’ll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head.”




What Do Your Parents Do?


Little Johnny was in his class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up, fireman, policeman, salesman, and so on.

Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, and so the teacher asked him about his father. “My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if an offer is really good, he’ll go out to the alley with some guy and have sex with him for money.”

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took little Johnny aside to ask him, “Is that really true about your father?”

“No,” said Johnny, “he’s actually a lawyer, but I was too embarrassed to say so in front of the other kids!”


Black Eyes



These two guys walk into a bar, and they’ve each got a black eye. The bartender asks the first guy. “What happened to you?”

The guy responds “I had a slight mishap of words with my wife. You see, we were getting plane tickets, and the lady behind the terminal was REALLY good looking. When I accidentally said ‘Two pickets to tits-burg’ instead of ‘Two tickets to Pittsburgh,’ the wife hit me.”

The bartender looks at the second guy and asks. “And you?”

The guy responds “I had a slight mishap of words also. This morning, while I was eating breakfast, I meant to say ‘Please pass the margarine,’ but instead I accidentally said ‘You stupid b****, you ruined my life’…”


Women Are From Venus



Q: What is the difference between men and women?

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.



This post has been edited by kanzakicyn: Jan 28 2009, 10:39 PM

Happiest DAy


Bob's father and friends were throwing him the best bachelor party ever. There were hookers and strippers, tons of food, and best of all, some great porno flicks.

Feeling the beer, Bob's dad stands up and hollers to get everyone's attention.

"I want to propose a toast to my son! Bob, I'm so glad I could be here with you on the happiest day of your life."

"But, Pop," Bob said, I'm not getting married until tomorrow!"

Bob's dad interrupted and said, "Like I said, I'm so glad I could be here with you on the happiest day of your life."

Good Clothing Salesman


Joe was moderately successful in his career of choice, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by remarkably painful headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life began to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

The doctor said, "I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was, of course, both shocked and depressed. He indeed wondered if he even had anything to live for at this point. Yet, he immediately decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital his mind was at long last clear, but naturally he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he felt like an entirely different person.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "I'll buy a new suit. Maybe that will cheer me up."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job," said the salesman.

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!"

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see ... 34 sleeve and ... 16 and a half neck"

Joe was once again surprised, "That's exactly right. How did you know?"

"It's my job," said the salesman, very matter of factly.

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll by this point and said, "Well, sure."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... nine and a half ... wide."

Joe was astonished, "That's right .... How did you know?"

"It's my job," said the salesman.

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "So, how about a new hat?"

Without hesitation, Joe said, "Sure ...."

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see ... 7 5/8."

Joe was incredulous. "That's right. Man, how can you tell all of this?"

"It's my job," reiterated the salesman.

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe hesitated for a second and said, "Sure..."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see ... size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "No, you can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

LOL PWNED!

lol fukken owned!!!

Haha, doesnt fit under relation ship joke, but I guess its a man's relationship with his balls! :D

ooo... ya hor..

loved it!! i lol-ed hard hahahaha

That's When The Fight Started

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she
answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look
at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....
********************************************************************

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....


*************************************************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out
into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage,
turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all
day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?'



And that's when the fight started....


**************************************************************************


A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from
outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the
man 'Holy shit. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed, scared and naked, and jumped
out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn
bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And that's when the fight started....

*********************************************************************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for
$14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the
cold cream.

And that's when the fight started....


**************************************************************************
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I
feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And that's when the fight started....


**************************************************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason,
took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started....

***********************************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone
at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took
to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And that's when the fight started....


***************************************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age.


I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go
home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I
opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver
hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social
Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have
gotten disability, too.'

And that's when the fight started....


*************************************************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
someplace
expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And that's when the fight started....


****************************************************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in
about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And that's when the fight started....


*******************************************************************

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And that's when the fight started....


***********************************************************************

Source: ayiesz's thread http://forum.lowyat.net/topic/923120

This post has been edited by dingding: Feb 4 2009, 02:26 PM

Change for Payment


One dismal rainy night in Sydney a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

'Where to?' he stammered.

'Kings Cross,' answered the woman.

'You got it,' he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, 'Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?'

'Well, madam,' he answered, 'I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare.'

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, 'Does this answer your question?'

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, 'Got anything smaller?'

lmao...

good 1 man........
help me reduce my tension

This post has been edited by watever-u-like: Feb 5 2009, 12:49 AM

Hmm does this mean that the woman's ahem hole was too big?

chivalry


"Your Honor, my wife is just being ridiculous. Most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry and I was only opening the door for her out of chivalry."

"Mr. Smith," replied the judge, "I am granting the divorce. I cannot believe chivalry was your motivation while driving 65 mph."

Ooo... mostly not going to be around on Chap Goh meh, so no chinese valentive joke.....

Happy throw kam day <---- thats a joke too


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hot Chocolate and V1agra


Little Johnny goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital. "How are you grandpa?" he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem at all - nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a V1agra tablet and that's it. I go out like a light."

Little Johnny is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old V1agra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a V1agra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the V1agra stops him from rolling out of bed."

LOL the last joke

i don't get this......

Normally opening the door for the lady = chivalry
but opening the door for the lady while driving at 65mph = ??