Feb 2 2009, 03:47 PM, updated 17y ago
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she
answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look
at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out
into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage,
turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all
day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?'
And that's when the fight started....
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A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from
outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the
man 'Holy shit. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed, scared and naked, and jumped
out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn
bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And that's when the fight started....
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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for
$14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the
cold cream.
And that's when the fight started....
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A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I
feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's when the fight started....
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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason,
took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started....
***********************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone
at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took
to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And that's when the fight started....
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go
home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I
opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver
hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social
Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have
gotten disability, too.'
And that's when the fight started....
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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
someplace
expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And that's when the fight started....
****************************************************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in
about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And that's when the fight started....
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My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And that's when the fight started....
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