There was this guy at the patent office counter and said," I want to patent this Peach."

The clerk asked,"What's so special about your peach?"

The guy said, taste it, so he did. He told the guy it taste like a peach, so what? He then said, turn it around! The clerk took a bite and said,"wow, this tastes like an apple! You have your Patent!"

Then the next guy walks up and said, "I want to patent this cookie!"

The clerk said,"now what is so special about your cookie?"

In return the guy said, "It tastes like a woman's snatch!"

The clerk said "I gotta try this" so he took a bite. He then said," Oh man, this tastes like shit!"

The man at the counter said, "Turn it around!"

Elderly Proposal
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. No even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

Facing Facts
A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life.

The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems.

Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did he look?"

"Very angry."

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"

"He was looking through the window at us."

wahahahaha
warming up the food XD...

what if the husband wants something cold for a change O.o

Can of Peaches
An elderly couple had been shopping at a grocery store, and the wife decided to steal a can of peaches. The inevitable happened and she was caught. Upon her court date, the judge asked her what she had stolen.

"Your Honor, I stole a can of peaches."

The judge replied, "How many peaches were in the can?"

She said, "Six."

The judge then said, "I will sentence you to six days in jail."

Her husband stood up behind her and replied, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."

Vegas Vacation
Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.

The first guy says, "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my wife flings her arms and hollers, '7 come 11' all night and I haven't had a wink of sleep!"

The second guy says, "I know what you mean. My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers, 'Hit me light or hit me hard!' and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"

The third guy says, "You guys think you have it bad! My wife played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore d1ck and an a$s full of quarters."

Change for Payment
One dismal rainy night in Sydney a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

'Where to?' he stammered.

'Kings Cross,' answered the woman.

'You got it,' he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, 'Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?'

'Well, madam,' he answered, 'I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare.'

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, 'Does this answer your question?'

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, 'Got anything smaller?'

damnit!

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Slap Happy
A young Marine and his commanding officer climbed on board a train headed through the mountains of Switzerland. The only place they could find to sit was right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it became obvious that the young woman and the young soldier were interested in each other, but the young woman kept glancing nervously at her grandmother.

Soon the train passed into a pitch black tunnel. There was the sound of a passionate kiss followed by the sound of a stinging slap. When the train emerged from the tunnel, the four sat there without saying a word.

The grandmother thought to herself: "It was very brash for that young soldier to kiss my granddaughter, and I'm glad she slapped him."

The commanding officer sat there thinking: "I figured he'd try to steal a kiss, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"

The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the soldier kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"

The young Marine sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life is good. When does a fellow have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his commanding officer all at the same time!"

The original Jealousy
Adam was returning home late one night at paradise after drinking with the dodo and the unicorn. Eve got angry and yelled at him: "YOU ARE SEEING ANOTHER WOMAN"

Adam responded: "Don't be silly, you are the only woman on earth" and went to sleep.

Later that night Adam woke up. filling a tickle in his chest and saw it was Eve. "What the heck are you doing?" he asked.

"I'm counting your ribs" she responded.

...wat?

ohh..oops. i ain't a christian..cant expect me to know all this >_<

Bigger and dumber.....
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach.

The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mother says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with penises a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

The mother says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play.

Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

Another Ewww Joke
A man is walking down the street, when he sees a machine with two holes and with a sign overhead that reads: 'Blow Job'. The machine has two slots, one for one dollar and one for a quarter.

He looks in his pockets and finds a dollar and a quarter. He throws the dollar in the machine and sticks his pen1s into the first hole. And, surprisingly, it feels good . . . it feels very good . . . And just when he's about to come, the machine stops.

So he puts his d1ck in the other hole and puts the quarter in. And it hurts, it hurts. At first he is not even able to take his d1ck out, but when he does, it's raw and covered with blood.

He's crying because of the pain.

An old lady comes from behind the machine and stops to ask what's the matter.

He tells her about the first hole and how *wonderful* it felt. Then he describes the hell of the second hole, and shows her his red and torn pen1s.

And the little old biddy smiles sweetly and says, "You don't expect me to take out my false teeth for a quarter, do you?"

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, “Sir, I’m afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I’m afraid I’ll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!”

The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man’s table and says, “Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I’ll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I’ll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I’ll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I’ll break one of your arms!”

The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird’s rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, “Go ahead!”

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBreast will cost RM1499 to RM1599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.