I first found out I was an ugly rapist when victims pepper-sprayed their own eyes 😞

Apparently, if your wife ever says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...."

"anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.

Sitting at home with his Wife, a Man is casually tossing Peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth while watching TV.🖥

The Man loses concentration for a split second and a Peanut goes into his Ear. 👂😰

He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep.

After a few hours of fruitless rooting, the couple decide to go to the Hospital, but on their way out of the front door, they meet their Daughter coming in with her Boyfriend.👫

The Boyfriend takes control of the situation.

He tells them he's studying Medicine🚑🔬💊🌡 and not to worry about a thing.

He then sticks two✌ fingers up the man's nose 👃and asks him to blow
😮💨💨💨

Lo & Behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room. 😀👍👏👏👏

As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks🤗🍷🍻, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck.....

"So....." the wife says,"What do you think he'll become after he finishes school?

A GP or a surgeon?"

"Well....." says the man, rubbing his nose,

"By the smell of his fingers✌🖕, I think he's likely to become a gynaecologist."!! 😜😜😂😂

i thought son-in-law

Lol! Nice one, bro.

When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn't even know.
When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.
Then a man approached me and said, 'Enjoy life kid, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn't enjoy it.'
Then he passed his hand over my head and left.
My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person.
When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me!
I was so traumatised I couldn't sleep properly.
I had terrible nightmares. I was terrified of being alone.
I couldn't sleep without a night light for many years.
I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years.
It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear.
Years later, I discovered something incredible that changed my life...

The dead idiot had a twin.
😎🤣😎

At Christmas time I go around kicking the fuck out of homeless people.
That way they get free food and a warm bed to sleep in at the hospital.
I am an angel.

DC Comics has announced their new Batman will be black.
They should do the same thing with Superman.

Then he'd be the Man of Steal.

Remember the old days when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?

Man, we were wild...

A warning to all my friends.
Be careful about drinking and driving as we are here today for Christmas.
Police are out in full force with loads of road blocks all over. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another, and I had a few too many beers. Not a good idea.
.
Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home. I passed the police check point where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathaliser tests. Because I was in a bus they just waved it past.
.
I arrived home safely, no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.


Cheers 🥃🥃🥃

Least it’s going to be a white Christmas, it’s not going to snow but I’m the only girl attending the Bukkake party tonight ....

Men only want one thing.

Correction: Men only want one thing from women. Everything else can be done more effectively by a man.

10 best jokes of 2020 as it draws to a close ...😂😆😜
1. The dumbest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.
2. 2019: resolution was To Stay away from negative people; In 2020, it was To Stay away from positive people.
3. The world has turned upside down. Why?
Old folks are sneaking out of the house & their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!
4. This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her.
I came to my house & told my dog.... We had a good laugh!
5. Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom of Covid.
6. Does anyone know if we can take showers yet, or should we just keep washing our hands?
7. I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!
8. I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
9. I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to the Backyard. I’m getting tired of the Living Room.
10. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller with a mask on and ask for money.
Happy New Year 2021👍👍

general kenobi,

Picture this; there are two guys, Alan and Benny chatting, then;

Alan - put a coin on the table.

Alan: Smell anything?

Benny: Nah..

Alan: It’s a scent!


Alan – put a second coin on the table.

Alan: See any fruit?

Benny: Nah..

Alan: It’s a pear!


Alan – put a third coin on the table.

Alan: See any cars?

Benny: 3 cents..

Alan: chuckle and say 3 Lincolns!


Alan – put a forth coin on the table.

Alan: See any snakes?

Benny: … snake eyes..

Alan: 4 Copperheads!

Benny: ha.. very cool



Alan: See any pu$$y?


Before Benny can answer.

Alan: Not for 4 cents you won’t

Or being whack at the back of the head by the wife.

A tube of lubricating gel please, I said to the Pharmacist.
"K.Y",she replied.

Because my wife's twat is as dry as sticks. That's why if you must know.

Got some guy trolling me on Facebook saying things like..."hope you don't die" and "I shagged your Mum, hope she's not pregnant."

Typical Keyboard Worrier.