Today, I asked my phone, “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera.

While watching "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" in bed,

I turned to my wife and asked, "Want to have sex?"

Without even glancing my way, she replied, "No."

"Is that your final answer?" I asked. "Yes," she said firmly.

"Alright," I said, "then I’d like to phone a friend."

Last year I bought my 5-year old nephew a jigsaw for Christmas.

Terrible idea as it turns out, 10 minutes after he'd opened it he'd sawed off 2 of his fingers!

I got a hand job from a blind woman once.

She told me, "This is the biggest dick I've ever come across."

I said, "You're pulling my leg."

I have a strange & wonderful relationship with my wife, she’s strange & I’m wonderful