I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like: "I'm tired." "I'm washing my hair." "I've got a headache." "I’m your sister-in-law."
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A woman in labor is in pain and screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed. He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass, but N-O-O-O-O, you said that might hurt!"
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I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts! Women, I can't figure them out.

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Dear Dr Phil: I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was jerking off, I turned to notice my wife was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert or what?
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A guy gets a call at work from the police telling him that his house had been robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes, then the guy says, "I can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!"
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Got this text from my brother recently. It read, "Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. For what it's worth, it reaches all the way to the back of her sister's throat!"
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My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I'm coming or going." I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face you're going, because when you're coming you look like a fucking squirrel trying to whistle!"
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I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I fucked a girl named Penny. Is that spooky or what?
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The missus asked me, "When you're on a "guys only" trip, do you think about me?" Apparently, "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly!" wasn't the right answer.

As some of you already know, I volunteered for the Russian vaccine trials for Covid-19. I finally received my first shot at the Russian Consulate today and wanted to let you all know that it’s completely safe with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκι like Хочу спустить штаны, забить гвоздь и всю ночь пить водку.

Sitting at home with his Wife, a Man is casually tossing Peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth while watching TV.🖥

The Man loses concentration for a split second and a Peanut goes into his Ear. 👂😰

He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep.

After a few hours of fruitless rooting, the couple decide to go to the Hospital, but on their way out of the front door, they meet their Daughter coming in with her Boyfriend.👫

The Boyfriend takes control of the situation.

He tells them he's studying Medicine🚑🔬💊🌡 and not to worry about a thing.

He then sticks two✌ fingers up the man's nose 👃and asks him to blow
😮💨💨💨

Lo & Behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room. 😀👍👏👏👏

As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks🤗🍷🍻, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck.....

"So....." the wife says,"What do you think he'll become after he finishes school?

A GP or a surgeon?"

"Well....." says the man, rubbing his nose,

"By the smell of his fingers✌🖕, I think he's likely to become a gynaecologist."!! 😜😜😂😂

When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn't even know.
When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.
Then a man approached me and said, 'Enjoy life kid, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn't enjoy it.'
Then he passed his hand over my head and left.
My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person.
When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me!
I was so traumatised I couldn't sleep properly.
I had terrible nightmares. I was terrified of being alone.
I couldn't sleep without a night light for many years.
I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years.
It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear.
Years later, I discovered something incredible that changed my life...

The dead idiot had a twin.
😎🤣😎

A warning to all my friends.
Be careful about drinking and driving as we are here today for Christmas.
Police are out in full force with loads of road blocks all over. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another, and I had a few too many beers. Not a good idea.
.
Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home. I passed the police check point where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathaliser tests. Because I was in a bus they just waved it past.
.
I arrived home safely, no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.


Cheers 🥃🥃🥃

10 best jokes of 2020 as it draws to a close ...😂😆😜
1. The dumbest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.
2. 2019: resolution was To Stay away from negative people; In 2020, it was To Stay away from positive people.
3. The world has turned upside down. Why?
Old folks are sneaking out of the house & their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!
4. This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her.
I came to my house & told my dog.... We had a good laugh!
5. Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom of Covid.
6. Does anyone know if we can take showers yet, or should we just keep washing our hands?
7. I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!
8. I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
9. I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to the Backyard. I’m getting tired of the Living Room.
10. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller with a mask on and ask for money.
Happy New Year 2021👍👍

Picture this; there are two guys, Alan and Benny chatting, then;

Alan - put a coin on the table.

Alan: Smell anything?

Benny: Nah..

Alan: It’s a scent!


Alan – put a second coin on the table.

Alan: See any fruit?

Benny: Nah..

Alan: It’s a pear!


Alan – put a third coin on the table.

Alan: See any cars?

Benny: 3 cents..

Alan: chuckle and say 3 Lincolns!


Alan – put a forth coin on the table.

Alan: See any snakes?

Benny: … snake eyes..

Alan: 4 Copperheads!

Benny: ha.. very cool



Alan: See any pu$$y?


Before Benny can answer.

Alan: Not for 4 cents you won’t

A beautiful woman went to the gynaecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she dis-robed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That's right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," she said, "you are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

"Yes," she said, "you're getting aids; which is why I came here in the first place."🤪🤓🤓🤓🤭🤭😂

Social Media Post;
"I am a 26-year-old guy who's in serious trouble. My girlfriend's mum and I had sex once after we got very drunk together. I still have feelings for the mum, even thogh her daughter is expecting my child. I am so confused. Should I keep dating my girlfriend or follow my heart"

Social Media replied;
The term "Mother Fucker" only made sense to me today after reading this

Keith walks up to his female co-worker.
"Your hair smells nice today!"

The woman gets furious and goes to HR.

"What happened?" the HR rep asks.

"I was sexually harassed! Someone told me that my hair smells nice!" she yells.

"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf".

Your Wife Is Your Wife

A married couple were walking through a garden, when suddenly a fierce dog ran towards them.

They both knew it will bite them..

The husband lifted his wife to let the dog bite him rather than his sweetheart.

The dog stopped before them, unsure what to do, barked a little and ran away.

The husband put his wife down, expecting a hug and a few kind words of gratitude from her.

But his wife shouted, “I've seen people throwing stones & sticks at dogs, this is the first time I see someone trying to throw his wife at a dog

Moral : No one else can misunderstand a Husband better than a Wife

An old lady goes to the dentist.
Sits down, drops panties, and lifts legs...

The dentist says, "I'm not a gynecologist!"

She says, "I know, I need my Husband's teeth back!"

This post has been edited by kennobi: May 29 2021, 03:20 PM

Farmer Giles decided to write his will.
He called his three sons and gave each one a duck; with the instructions, whoever sold the duck the most would inherit the farm.
The first son went to the market and sold his duck for ten dollars. The second sold his duck to the neighboring farmer for fifteen dollars. The third son, who was a bit of a dreamer, was carrying his duck to town when a village girl approached him and offered to make love with him if he gave her the duck. It turned out that they had such a good time together that she wanted to give him back the duck if he would make love with her again. Weak at the knees from his experience and wandering along the country lane with his duck, the young man was knocked over by a car and the duck was killed. The motorist jumped from his car and pushed a twenty dollar note into the young man's hand, apologizing all the while for his careless driving. The young man dusted himself off and arrived home, tired and tattered. Farmer Giles asked him how he had got on. "Well," said the boy, "I got fucked for a duck, I got a duck for a fuck, and twenty dollars for a fucked up duck."