you can hear whore moans



You gotta be more creative man!

edit: typo

This post has been edited by marquis: Sep 15 2006, 02:46 AM

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling inAustralia ?"

Operator: " Doesn't the product give you a clue?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
"If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:

"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".

Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".

hahaha it's so funny~!!

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:

"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".

i'm reading that part over n over again n it doesnt fail to make me laugh over n over again. wat d heck.

According to a news report, a certain private school recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of middle school girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Mary had a little pig,

She kept it fat and plastered;

And when the price of pork went up,

She shot the little *******.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB

Her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her,

Between two hunks of bread.

JACK AND JILL Went up the hill

To have a little fun.

Stupid Jill forgot the pill

And now they have a son.

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the kings' horses,

And all the kings' men.

Had scrambled eggs,

For breakfast again.

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,

All over the bedside clock..

The little dog laughed to see such fun.

Then died of electric shock.

GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

And when the boys came out to play,

He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

Got this from my friendster's bulletin board..

The differences between girls at the age of 8,18,28,38,48,58,68

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take
her to bed.

At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story

Peopling The Earth


A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.
"I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I''''ll have a basketball team!" said the Catholic.

"That''''s nothing!'''''''' said the Baptist. ''''''''I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I''''ll have a football team!"

"You both should be ashamed of yourselves!'''''''' said the Mormon. ''''''''I have seventeen wives. One more and I''''ll have a golf course!"

This post has been edited by Winfeel: Sep 22 2006, 09:39 PM

Dictionary!!

Divorce : Future tense of marriage.
Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either
Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power
Dictionary : A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.
Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accident falls into a river.
Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Father : A banker provided by god.
Criminal : A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills. ...

Understanding Marketing

You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a fabulous girl/guy. You have one of your friends approach them, point at you and say, "She's/He's fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising.

You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them to get their telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. You get up, straighten your clothes, walk up and pour them a drink. You open the door, pick up their bag after it drops, offer them a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. They walk up to you and say, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition

A child's prayer

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Tata, Grandpa ."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying.

The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Tata, Grandma ."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy ."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine.

When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

A Lonely student in Catholic School

A student was doing well in school in all subjects except for Math. So his parents
decide to send him to a private Catholic school.

While there the boy came home from school and studied every day. At the end of the marking period the boy got straight A's.

So his parents asked him, "What motivated you to do so well in school?"

He replied, "When I saw that guy nailed to a plus sign I knew they weren't fooling around!"

This post has been edited by Winfeel: Oct 3 2006, 06:40 PM

The Happy Statues

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one
day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them,
"Um, you have fifteen minutes left, "Would you care to do it again?"He asks her. "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you sh*t on its head."

Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives.
1st: How yours look like?
2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours?
1st: Forget mine. Lets find yours!!

**********
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".

**********
Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother"
Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"

**********
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress

**********
Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
"Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies," No, It means ,
"With Idiot For Ever !!!"

**********
Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.

**********
Teacher: u know the importance of period?
Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad
got heart attack & our driver ran away.


**********
Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are urs???
No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.

**********
Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential
Dad says, you are my son, i'm confident. Your friend is also my son,that's
confidential!

**********
Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we should
talk about sex.
Daughter (Excitingly): Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.
Mother Faints...

MY COMPANY NEW REGULATION
Effective January 2007

To all Employees:

Dress Code
1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.
2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Holiday Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Compassionate Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.
In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use
1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.
2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.
3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

and my reply:




This post has been edited by mcchin: Oct 10 2006, 04:17 PM

Chinese 101

1. That's not right ........................ Sum Ting Wong

2. Are you harboring a fugitive?............. Hu Yu Hai Ding

3. See me ASAP................................ Kum Hia Nao

4. Small Horse .............................. Tai Ni Po Ni

5. Did you go to the beach? ................... Wai Yu So Tan

6. I bumped into a coffee table ............. Ai Bang Mai Ni

7. I think you need a face lift ............... Chin Tu Fat

8. It's very dark in here ................... Wao So Dim

9. I thought you were on a diet ............ Wai Yu Mun Ching?

10. This is a tow away zone ................. No Pah King

11. Our meeting is scheduled for next week ... Wai Yu Kum Nao?

12. Staying out of sight .................... Lei Ying Lo

13. He's cleaning his automobile ............ Wa Shing Ka

14. Your body odor is offensive ............. Yu Stin Ki Pu

ps: read no 10 carefully

The toilet 1 really made me lol..

Damn... this e-mail make me laugh till i drop...

Bapa
Man : Bapa aku hebat. Dia polis. Semua orang takut ngan dia.
Ali : Eleh, bapa aku lagi terer. Kalau dia suruh orang tunduk, mesti orang
tu tunduk.
Man : Wow! Bapa kau keja apa?
Ali : Tukang gunting rambut.


B.I
Ayah : Apasal B.I kamu nie asyik dapat kosong jer...! Apasal hah?
Anak : Eh, ayah! Tu bukan kosong. Tadi cikgu adik dah kasi bintang banyak
kat bebudak lain.
Ada dapat 5 bintang la, 4 bintang la. Bila turn adik jer, bintang dah
abis.
Sebab tu cikgu bagi kat adik bulan.


Sudu
Doktor : Encik kena ambil 3 sudu ubat ni setiap hari.
Pesakit : Eh! tak boleh la doktor.
Doktor : Kenapa?
Pesakit : Rumah saya ada dua sudu jer.


Mayat
Cikgu : Hasan,sambungkan 2 ayat ini menjadi satu. 'Ali menaiki basikal
ke sekolah. Ali ternampak mayat.'
Hasan : Ali ternampak mayat menaiki basikal ke sekolah.


Tiru
Cikgu : Encik, anak encik didapati meniru Ali dalam exam.
Bapa : Apa bukti awak?
Cikgu : Encik tengok soalan nombor 4 nie. Siapakah menemui Pulau
Pinang? Seman tulis "Saya tak tahu" dan anak encik tulis "Kalau
engkau tak tahu, aku lagi la tak tahu".


Makan
cA : dari pagi tadi aku makan tak kenyang2 je?
cB : kau makan ape?
cA : makan angin...............................

This is a true story. One night in London.

Prostitute : You wanna do some business, luv?

Man : Sorry. I'm doing engineering.

Ghosts

A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle. At the end of the tour, the guide asks her how she enjoyed it.

She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.

"Don't worry," says the guide, "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've been here."

"How long is that"? asks the girl.

"About three hundred years."


Creepy?

This post has been edited by altie: Oct 23 2006, 02:32 AM