Effective January 2007

To all Employees:
Dress Code
1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.
Wearing Prada and Gucci is to show that THE Company is not as cheapskate as they really are.

2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
If I am to manage my money better, You'll be my BIATCHES.

3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
If I dresses right, then I am right and you, The Company, are wrong....lah.(basic semantics man)

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
And if I were to die... There will be treated to an free expense funeral? Are there funerals?
Thank You in advance.

Holiday Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
You left out several BIG Holidays, Bankrupt Day, Burn-the-company-down day, and the all time-crowd favorite, Boss-Massacre Day.

Compassionate Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.
In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
So glad the HR-dude died just in time for this memo to be out.
Back to work guys!!!

Toilet Use
1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.
Could you provide the scientific calculation as well as findings to prove that an average person are able to wrestle the belt, tear off the zip, push down the trousers, start the "ERMMM....!", wait for the "BANG!!!", clean-up, flush (negligible), put back the pieces of once known as your clothes, and wash the hands (again negligible) all within 10800 seconds.

2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.
Could it be change to a more soothing music? It helps with the motion passing.

3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
What would happen to the first picture?
PERVERTS!!!!!

4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Hey that is what Tanjung Rambutan is for...

Lunch Break
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
Could we sue the company, for stuffing food down our throats?
Do the Company realised how long it take to get the "MacBeal" figure?

2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
What is normal? Company paid HR to work not being vague and subjectives!

3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Please be a little more PC. It's "Mid-Span-6-pack-in-1-Horizontally Challenge" person. Shesshhh..

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.
May I introduce you to a thing called "Labour Law"

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
So you have been blowing hot water at the wrong person. I will have to ask my lawyer if I could sue, AGAIN, to claim back the time you have wasted, spitting useless starch-digesting amylase enzyme which will indirectly reduce your glucose intake, which causes your death. Come to think of it never mind what I've said, since there is a new regulation on the compassionate leave terms.