A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet
rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over
immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face
close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard
which is full and bushy.
Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both
hands.
"Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak
to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his
hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there
anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues
huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him
to suck them gently.
"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

A ah beng went on to a bus.
When he is on the bus, he took out the photo of his girlfriend to take a look.
The bus suddenly jerked forward as the driver slammed the brakes.
After everyone regained balance, the ah beng found out the his photo had fallen onto the ground under a girl's skirt.
The ah beng said "Excuse me, can lift up your skirt anot ar? I wan to take photo"...

TO BE A MILLIONAIRE


A jobless man applied for the position of "office boy" at Microsoft. The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.
"You are employed."

He said." Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start."


The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email."
I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."

The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate.


He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the Operation three times, and returned home with $60. The man realized that he can survive by this Way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.

5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US . He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance.

He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied, "I don't have an email". The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!"

The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!"


Moral of the story:

M1 - Internet is not the solution to your life.
M2 - If you don't have internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.
M3 - If you received this message by email, you are closer to being an office boy, than a millionaire..........


Have a great day!!!


Pls Note: - Do not forward this email to me back, I'm closing all my email addresses & going to sell tomatoes!!!

Smiling after reading is not mandatory!!!!

Dear 'artist',

Thanks for showing your art intelligence and creativity on people cars' body surface.

However, nobody will appreciate your arts although it looks like Pica-so.
If you likes to show off, I suggest you to participate on Malaysia Idol competition.

Do you think we will be angry or sad because you have your autograph on our car body?
Sorry, you are absolutely wrong because is just a money matter.

But we doubt on your parents, probably they waste their time to grow you up?
But we doubt on your teachers, probably they waste their time to educate you?
But we doubt on your family, probably they won't know your mentality problems?

If you are free, please call 991 to ask for free admission on GH.
We are tax payers, we can take care your whole life in hospital in case you need it.

A married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest,
"I had an affair with a woman... almost." The priest says,
"what do you mean almost?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together
but then I stopped."
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting
it in. You're not to go near that woman again, now say five
Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers,
then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and
then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and
says, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and you
said it was the same as putting it in!"

My freind brother went to the doctor complaining of a very difficult time
achieving an orgasm.
The Doctor said "which position do you use?"
"Doggy style," said dumb shit.
"why don't you go home & tonight try it missionary position & see if
that works any better." said the Doctor.
"We've tried that" he said, "but my dogs got such bad breath!!"

No $ (Money)



Dear Father,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would
like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an
hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble
task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad



*****************************************************************

The seven kinds of passionate women

1.The Optimist
- "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

2.The Pessimist
- "No! No! No!"

3.The Confused
- "Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! Yes! No! No!"

4.The Asthmatic
- written rendition of gasping

5.The Sprinter
- "Faster! Agh! Faster! Faster!"

6.The Religious
- "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!

7.The Mathematician
- "More! More! More! More!

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"
"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."

"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.

"Oh, the stork brought us too."

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.


"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:
"This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

An Accountant gets on a train to go to Georgetown,Penang. His cabin has a poor fisherman in it.
To pass the time the accountant decides to play a game with the guy.

"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me 1 ringgit.

Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get 10 ringgits. You ask me a question first." The fisherman thinks for a while.

"I know. What has three legs, takes 3 hours to climb up a palm tree, and 12 seconds to get back down?"

The accountant is confused,he thinks long and hard about the question.

Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the accountant takes out 10 ringgits and gives it to the fisherman.
"I don't know. What has 3 legs, takes 3 hours to get up a palm tree and 12 seconds to get back down?"

The fisherman takes the 10 ringgits and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out 1 ringgit hands it to the accountant. And said to the accountant calmly ,
"I don't know."

A gal asks her bf to come over Saturday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such an important event, the gal tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his gf at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 12 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 25 minutes with his head down, the gf leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

This post has been edited by Winfeel: Aug 4 2006, 03:25 PM

FBI OFFERS A JOB !

A few months ago, there was an opening with the FBI for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The FBI men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the FBI man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the FBI man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the FBI men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 8 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a b**** to death with the chair!"

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Madam, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." The president laughs, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" The president agrees, "Sure, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls aren't square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10am as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office.

She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10am today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."


Source from NetworkMalaysia.com

A boy asks his father to use the car and the father replies "No, not until you cut your hair!". The boy replies "But father...Jesus had long hair!" to which his father says, "Yeah, but Jesus walked everywhere."


Source from NetworkMalaysia.com

The Talking Bird

Four brothers left home for college. They became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600."

The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very well. I met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty priests 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:-

"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, It could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

A blonde walked into an electronics store and told the salesman, "I want that T.V."

and she points to the display.

He looks at her and tells her, "I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to sell that to blondes."

So the blonde, all ticked off, walks out of the store.

An hour later, she walks back into the same store with a black wig on. She walks up to the salesman and says, "I want to buy that T.V."

and she points to the display.

He looks at her and said, "I'm sorry, but I already told you we can't sell that to blondes."

So she walks out of the store mad again without a T.V.

A few weeks later she gets a makeover, new hair color and everything, and she walks back into that electronics store. She walks up to the salesman and says, "I want to buy that T.V."

and points to the display.

The salesman shakes his head and tells her, "I told you twice already, I can't sell that to blondes."



The blonde looks at him and says, "How do you know that I'm a blonde?"

that "tv" is an oven or smthg..?

Still a Virgin even already with 10 husband ????

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.


Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

AS AN EMPLOYEE, ...

* the biggest motivation is salary

* the unluckiest thing is promotion without salary adjustment

* the most "shiok" thing is you don't work anyhow also get pay increment

* the greatest talent is "carry big stuff"

* the greatest mistake is to argue with your boss

* the most demoralising thing is to receive salary late

* the most pitiful thing is you did not get your salary and your boss ran away

* the happiest thing is you become your boss' boss

* the cleverest thing is you are late but boss doesn't know

* the stupidest thing is you publicly say that you are lazy

* the most common thing is - the boss says something but means another

* the proudest thing is you sack your boss

* the most "rugi" thing is you work hard but your colleague takes the credit

* the most dangerous thing is to become a "two-headed" snake

* the biggest satisfaction - sending e-mail like this during office hours!! heheheheheheheh....

For the ciggy kaki

I am Peter Stuyvesant
I have two friends, Benson and Hedges
I came from the city of Marlboro,
In the Salem high country
I Always carry a MildSeven
I rode on a White Horse
Going to Kingsway in Kent
It was Lucky Strike I fell in love
With the daughter of Master Duke
Her name Was YSL
We got married by Perillys, the priest
We checked in at the house of Dunhill
And booked into room number 555
I laid her on the bed made of Gold Leaf
I played with her two Matterhorns
When I poked in my Rothmans King Size
She cried in delight, "You are a Rough Rider!!!"
You are riding like a mad Camel
When I asked her if she is satisfied
She answered" I want MORE!!!!"
Then suddenly she turned around and asked me if I want to enter her Gudang Garam.
She said... depan belakang puas, barulah Sampoerna!!

Receive from "The English Online". Kinda long