he's just an immortal

I am Peter Stuyvesant
I have two friends, Benson and Hedges
I came from the city of Marlboro ,
In the Salem high country
I Always carry a Mild Seven
I rode on a White Horse
Going to Kingsway in Kent
It was Lucky Strike I fell in love
With the daughter of Master Duke

Her name Was YSL
We got married by Perillys , the priest
We checked in at the house of Dunhill
And booked into room number 555
I laid her on the bed made of Gold Leaf
I played with her two Matterhorns
When I poked in my Rothmans King Size
She cried in delight, "You are a Rough Rider !!!"
You are riding like a mad Camel
When I asked her if she is satisfied
She answered" I want MORE !!!!"
Then suddenly she turned around and asked me if I want to enter her Gudang Garam.
She said... depan belakang puas, barulah Sampoerna !!!

This post has been edited by edifgrto: Oct 13 2006, 08:04 PM

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but cannot. Then I tried with my left hand, but still cannot.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still cannot. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still cannot. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still cannot."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."


edited:
spoiler taken out.


This post has been edited by edifgrto: Oct 25 2006, 02:46 PM

This is what we call the real power of English!

The phone rings. Ah Lian quickly picks it up.

Ah Lian : Morning. Tua Pooi Soh Peauty Saloon here. You are now talking to Ah Lian.

Customer : Good morning Ah Lian. I want to fix appointment to clean my face. Is your Tua Pooi Soh in??

Ah Lian : Tau Keh Soh is going out 1 hour ago. Who on the line?

Customer : I am Auntie Mary. Your Tua Pooi Soh's customer.

Ah Lian : Oh Auntie Mely. I can help you to fix appointment. Tomolo Tau Keh Soh appointment full house. Tomolo's tomolo she got free. When you like to come?

Customer : I think some time next week. Can I confirm the date & time with you later?

Ah Lian : Sure sure. You can call me or fact your late & timing. Our fact lumber: jeelo two - two egg one sick for two fai sick. If you want, can rock on to our wet side to see our later awertaismen & plomosen. Our wet side : tapiu tapiu tapiu lot tpspeautysaloon lot kom lot mai. Anymore thing you want to talk? If no more I hang the phone.

Customer : Ah......no. You've been most helpful. Thanks.

Ah Lian : OK.., when you free please come & sit. Pai..

********************************************************************


A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine
is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please read spoiler...



This post has been edited by edifgrto: Oct 15 2006, 01:24 PM

Osama's code letter


After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive,"

Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded

message: 370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."


************************************************

Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new holes.

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's
period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month and if it
doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.

Q: What's the difference between biology and
sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is
biology. When the baby looks like the neighbor, then
it is sociology.

Q: What's the height of recycling?
A: Sending a sanitary napkin for dry cleaning.

Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you
having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
A: Lady: Doctor, I thought you said 3 males a day.

Q: Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the
dark, a mosquito enters the girl's skirt. Guess where
it would have bitten?!!!!!!!!!!!!
A: The boy friend's hand.

Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a
bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals
laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"?
A: The animals told him. Your tail is in front".
************************************************

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach , "because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood w as toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?


************************************************

This post has been edited by edifgrto: Oct 15 2006, 11:22 AM

Great jokes everyone. Edifgrto, don't mean to be a nitpicker (but I will just for fun, no offense), but I think the British Intelligence is MI5, not MI6. Oh well, no big deal. Also, could you explain the sperm-count-bottle-can't-open joke to me? I don't get it..

Oh well, on to my joke.

The Deaf Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather learns that his bookkeeper has embezzled ten million dollars. The bookkeeper is deaf and that was the reason he got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything that he'd ever have to testify about in court. So, when the Godfather interrogates the bookkeeper about the missing $10 million, he brings along an attorney who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper, "Where's the 10 million you embezzled from me"?

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back, "Okay! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say"?

The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Helisoft

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

This post has been edited by Winfeel: Oct 23 2006, 05:03 PM

sex.sh == who; last; pause; grep; touch; unzip; mount /dev/girl -t wet; fsck; fsck; fsck; fsck; yes; yes; yes; umount /dev/girl; zip; rm -rf wet.spot; sleep; finger: Permission denied

this i get in fwd email.if been post b4 then sry
Made in Japan


A Japanese man was in a hurry to go to the KLIA airport, so he took a Proton taxi. The taxi driver took his sweet time driving within the speed limit but the Jap was getting impatient.

The following is their conversation on the way to the airport .

A Toyota Camry overtook t he taxi.....zoom....

Jap: Look ...look ...Toyota!! ...very fast!!!.... made in Japan!
Proton...no good.... made in Malaysia .

Driver: yah....

After a few minutes a Nissan overtook the taxi....zoom.

Jap: look.... look.... Nissan!!!..... very good!! very fast! made in Japan! Proton.... no good.... made in Malaysia

Driver: yah....yah...

After a few minutes a Honda overtook the taxi...zooom. !

Jap: look.... look... Honda!!.... very GOOD!!....very fast!!....made
in Japan! Proton...no good...made in Malaysia

Driver: yah...yah...yah....!

Arriving at the airport,the Jap is about to pay the taxi driver.

Jap: How much?

Driver: RM150/-

Jap: Oh... very expensive..... you overcharge ! !

Driver: Noooo .... look .... look .... Sony meter!!....very good!!....
very fast!.... Made in Japan!

What are all those MI5 and British Intelligence all about? Did I posted anything of related to MI5 or MI6???!

If you can't understand.. Perhaps the spoiler content. I deleted one line there now.

Speed Trap

A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old guys were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale.
The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Sir," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous."

"I beg to differ, Officer, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old man said.

The trooper, chuckling, explained to him that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the man grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out his error.

"But before I let you go, Sir, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These guys seem awfully shaken."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute," the old man said. "We just got off Route 119."

hahaha 119 mph!

MALAS PERGI SEKOLAH
=================================
Jam sudahpun menunjukkan pukul tujuh pagi. Salim masih lagi berdengkur.
Ibunya pun segera mengejutkannya untuk ke sekolah.

Ibu: Salim...Salim. ..bangun nak, pergi sekolah, nanti kamu terlambat.

Salim: Alah mak... Salim tidak mahu pergi ke sekolah!

Ibu: Apa, tidak mahu pergi sekolah?! Baik... Salim berikan emak dua sebab mengapa
Salim tidak mahu ke sekolah.

Salim: Semua murid-murid tidak suka Salim. Guru-guru di sekolah pun tidak suka pada Salim!

Ibu: Itu bukan alasan bagi Salim untuk tidak ke sekolah. Cepat, bangun sekarang!

Salim: Baiklah, sekarang emak pula berikan Salim dua sebab mengapa Salim mesti pergi ke sekolah.

Ibu: Eh...eh...bertuah punya anak! Salim dengar baik-baik, pertama Salim sudah berusia
lima puluh tahun. Kedua Salim PENGETUA SEKOLAH!!!


JIRAN MISKIN
==========================================
Jiran Miskin

Dengan tergopoh-gopoh Neva yang masih kecil itu masuk ke rumah.

"Ayah....Ibu ...!!" teriaknya.

"Jiran kita itu pasti orang miskin ....."

Si Ayah dan si Ibu sangat terkejut mendengar katanya itu kerana sesungguhnya daerah tempat tinggal mereka adalah daerah orang yang berada.

"Mengapa kamu mengatakan begitu, sayang?"

"Sebab, anak dorang baru tertelan syiling lima posen pun dah kecoh."

> > A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when
> >he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to
> >the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his
> >car.
> >
> >The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hello Doctor! Please come over
> >here for a minute."
> >
> >The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic. The
> >mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked
> >argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves
> >out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new
> >one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me are doing basically
> >the same work? " The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic ...
> >
> >What did he say ???
> >
> >Guess ..................................................
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Try doing it when the engine is running... hehehe

I Donno Posted B4 Or NoT LA so i juz post ...




Once Upon A time, in a far away land.
There Lived a princess.
Her father never let he go out...
BUt on her 18 bithday
she was allowed to go out with the prince of USA


bcos she never went out b4
so she veli jacoonnn de..

Princess: What is that??
(She is pointing at a chicken)
Prince: U wanna know?
Princess: YES!!
Prince: U Give me a Blow Job I Tell You.

Den she done it..





They saw a lamb next.

then the prince ask

Prince: U know what is that??
Princess: Nop
Prince: wanna know??
Princess: yes
Prince : Giv me a BJ
princess: Ok

this time it was more exciting !!!






Next they a saw a Huga maga maga








U wanna know??

gif me a blow job then i will tell u le .....

USA also got prince arr? "

u wanna know ..

urgh.. u want a BJ from him?