> Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?

> Waiter : Sit down, sir, we serve anyone.

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>

> Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?

> Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?

> Customer : No, I can't.

> Waiter : Then does it really matter?

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

> Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.

> Waiter : Yes Sir, they are not very good swimmers.

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>

> Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.

> Waiter : That's all right, Sir, he won't drink much.

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>

> Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.

> Waiter : So what! do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>

> Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea cup?>

> Waiter : I wouldn't know, Sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

> Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.

> Waiter : Funny? But why aren't you laughing?

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

> Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?

> Father : No. Why do you ask that?

> Son : Well, where did you get mummy then?

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

> Peter : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots! Kirk : Yes it's really strange. I' ve got another pair of the same at home.

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>

> Wife : Do you want dinner?

> Husba! nd : Sure, what are my choices?

> Wife : Yes and no.

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

> First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!! "

> Second Guy : "You're fortunate, mine's still alive."

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>

> A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order. "

> The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you,your honour, I'll have a scotch and soda."

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

> Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Penang in two days time? Post Master : Well it might do.

> Customer : I bet you, it won't.

> Post Master : Why not?

> Customer : It's addressed to Johor.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

> An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.

> 'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.' 'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist. 'How long has what been going on?' said the man.

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

> 1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!

> 2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor. 1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>

> Man : How old is your father?

> Boy : As old as me.

> Man : How can that be?

> Boy : He became a father only when I was born.

>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

> Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field" Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field

> Teacher : How?

> Student : Ladies first.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

> Man : Where are you from?

> Woman : U.S.A.

> Man : Are you here on vacation?

> Woman : No! I'm here for lunch.

> Man : What!!! All the way from the United States of America!!! Woman

> : No! Upper Serangoon Avenue. Man : !!@#$%^&*!*#

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>

> A lady went to a restaurant and ordered a bowl of soup.

> Lady : Waiter, what is this soup called?

> Waiter : It is called special chicken soup.

> Lady : But I see no chicken in it!

> Waiter : That's why it's so special!

>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>

> Question : Why did you throw the butter out of the window ? Answer : I wanted to see a butterfly.

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

It's really a touching story...

A man was walking across the road when he met with

an accident. The impact was on his head which caused

him to be in a coma for 2 days. When he opened his

eyes, his wife was by his side.

He told her (in tears), "When I was struggling with

my studies in the University, I failed again and

again. Sometimes I even had to re-take my papers.

You were there by my side, encouraging me to go on trying."

She squeezed his hands as he continued, "When I

went for major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there, cutting out the job ads for me to apply..."

He added, " ...then I started working in this

little firm and finally got a big contract. I blew it because of a small mistake. But you are still there for me." His wife was in tears.

The man said, "I finally got a job after being laid off

for quite some time. But I was never promoted and

my hard work was notrecognised.

I remained in the same position from the day I joined

the company till now. You are still beside me..."

His wife's tears trickled down as she listened to him,

" And now I meet with an accident and when I wake up

you are here with me. There's something I'll really

like to say to you..."She flung herself on the bed and

hug her husband, sobbing with deep emotion.



Finally her husband said,

"I think you bring me bad luck."

> How the company views its employees. (HE VS SHE)
>
> The family picture is on HIS desk.
> Ah, a solid, responsible family man.
> The family picture is on HER desk.
> Umm, her family will come before her career.
>
>
> HIS desk is cluttered.
> He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man.
> HER desk is cluttered.
> She's obviously a disorganised scatterbrain.
>
>
> (I think this part is especially true)
> HE is talking with his co-workers.
> He must be discussing the latest deal.
> SHE is talking with her co-workers.
> She must be gossiping.
>
>
> HE's not at his desk.
> He must be at a meeting.
> SHE's not at her desk.
> She must be in the ladies' room.
>
>
> HE's not in the office.
> He's meeting with customers.
> SHE's not in the office.
> She must be out shopping.
>
>
> HE's having lunch with the boss.
> He's on his way up.
> SHE's having lunch with the boss.
> They must be having an affair.
>
>
> The boss criticised HIM.
> He'll improve his performance.
> The boss criticised HER.
> She'll be very upset.
>
>
> HE got an unfair deal.
> Did he get angry?
> SHE got an unfair deal.
> Did she cry?
>
>
> HE's getting married.
> He'll get more settled.
> SHE's getting married.
> She'll get pregnant and leave.
>
>
> (This part is GOOD too)
> HE's having a baby.
> He'll need a raise.
> SHE's having a baby.
> She'll cost the company money in maternity benefits.
>
>
> HE's going on a business trip.
> It's good for his career.
> SHE's going on a business trip.
> What does her husband say?
>
>
> HE's leaving for a better job.
> He knows how to recognise a good opportunity.
> SHE's leaving for a better job.
> Women are not dependable.

money is bad..


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black Vs white


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> >>Hari ini cikgu nak uji kamu semua tentang perkataan berlawan. Bila
> >>Cikgu sebutkan perkataannya, kamu semua mesti menjawab dengan cepat,
> >>lawan bagi perkataan-perkataan itu, faham?
> >>Murid-murid: Faham, cikgu!
> >>Cikgu: Saya tak mahu ada apa-apa gangguan.
> >>Murid-murid: (senyap)
> >>Cikgu: Pandai!
> >>Murid-murid: Bodoh!
> >>Cikgu: Tinggi!
> >>Murid-murid: Rendah!
> >>Cikgu: Jauh!
> >>Murid-murid: Dekat!
> >>Cikgu: Keadilan!
> >>Murid-murid: UMNO!
> >>cikgu: Salah!
> >>Murid-murid: Betul!
> >>Cikgu: Bodoh!
> >>Murid-murid: Pandai!
> >>Cikgu: Bukan!
> >>Murid-murid: Ya!
> >>Cikgu: Oh Tuhan!
> >>Murid-murid: Oh Hamba!
> >>cikgu: Dengar ini!
> >>Murid-murid: Dengar itu!
> >>Cikgu: Diam!
> >>Murid-murid: Bising!
> >>Cikgu: Itu bukan pertanyaan, bodoh!
> >>Murid-murid: Ini ialah jawapan, pandai!
> >>Cikgu: Mati aku!
> >>Murid-murid: Hidup kami!
> >>Cikgu: Rotan baru tau!
> >>Murid-murid: Akar lama tak tau!
> >>Cikgu: Malas aku ajar kamu!
> >>Murid-murid: Rajin kami belajar cikgu!
> >>Cikgu: Kamu gila!
> >>Murid-murid: Kami siuman!
> >>Cikgu: Cukup! Cukup!
> >>Murid-murid: Kurang! Kurang!
> >>Cikgu: Sudah! Sudah!
> >>Murid-murid: Belum! Belum!
> >>Cikgu: Mengapa kamu semua bodoh sangat?
> >>Murid-murid: Sebab saya seorang pandai!
> >>Cikgu: Oh! Melawan!
> >>murid-murid: Oh! Mengalah!
> >>Cikgu: Kurang ajar!
> >>Murid-murid: Cukup ajar!
> >>cikgu: Habis aku!
> >>Murid-murid: Kekal kami!
> >>Cikgu: O.K. Pelajaran sudah habis!
> >>Murid-murid: K.O. Pelajaran belum bermula!
> >>Cikgu: Sudah, bodoh!
> >>Murid-murid: Belum, pandai!
> >>Cikgu: Berdiri!
> >>Murid-murid: Duduk!
> >>Cikgu: Saya kata UMNO salah!
> >>Murid-murid: Kami dengar KeADILan betul!
> >>cikgu: Bangang kamu ni!
> >>Murid-murid: Cerdik kami tu!
> >>Cikgu: Rosak!
> >>Murid-murid: Baik!
> >>Cikgu: Kamu semua ditahan tengah hari ini!
> >>murid-murid: Dilepaskan tengah malam itu!
> >>cikgu: (Senyap dan mengambil buku-bukunya keluar.)

dunno if posted before by other people


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posted already... and has a topic of that in Scary Fact

> Subject: Fw: FW: Diary of a modern woman on week 1
> of marriage
>
>
> > > > > > Monday:
> > > > > Now home from honeymoon and settled in our
> new home.
> > > > > It's fun to cook for Tim.
> > > > > Today I made an angel food cake and the
> recipe said, "Beat 12
> eggs
> > > > > separately." Well, I didn't have enough
> bowls to do that, so I
> had
> > > > > to
> > > > borrow
> > > > > 12 bowls to beat the eggs in.The cake turned
> out fine though.
> > > > >
> > > > > Tuesday:
> > > > > We wanted a fruit salad for supper.
> > > > > The recipe said, "Serve without dressing."
> > > > > So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring
> a friend home for
> > > > > supper
> > >that
> > > > > night.
> > > > > They both looked so startled when I served
> them, I think it was
> the
> > >salad.
> > > > >
> > > > > Wednesday:
> > > > > I decided to serve rice and found a recipe
> which said, "Wash
> > > > > thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I
> heated some water
> and
> > > > > took a bath
> > >before
> > > > > steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in
> the middle of the
> day. I
> > >can't
> > > > say
> > > > > it improved the rice anyhow.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > Thursday:
> > > > > Today Tim asked for salad again.
> > > > > I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare
> ingredients, then toss
> on a
> > > > > bed
> > >of
> > > > > lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted
> all over the place
> for a
> > >garden
> > > > > and when I got one, I tossed my salad into
> the bed of lettuce
> and
> > >stood
> > > > > over there for over one hour so the dog
> would not take it. Tim
> came
> > >over
> > > > and
> > > > > asked if I felt all right. I wonder why? He
> must be stressed at
> > > > > work,
> > >I'll
> > > > > try and be supportive.
> > > > >
> > > > > Friday:
> > > > > Today I found an easy recipe for cookies.
> > > > > It said, "Put all ingredients in a bowl and
> beat it." Beat it I
> did,
> > >
> > > > > to my mum's place. There must have been
> something wrong with
> the
> > > > > recipe, because when I came back home again,
> it looked the same
> as
> > > > when
> > > > > I left it.
> > > > >
> > > > > Saturday:
> > > > > Tim went shopping today and brought home a
> chicken. He asked me
> to
> > >dress
> > > > it
> > > > > for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens
> dress for Sunday. I
> never
> > > > notice
> > > > > back on the farm, but I found an old doll
> dress and its little
> cute
> > >shoes.
> > > > I
> > > > > thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim
> saw it, he started
> > >counting
> > > > to
> > > > > ten. Either he was really stressed because
> of his work,or he
> wanted
> > > > > the chicken to dance.When I asked him what
> was wrong,he started
> > > > > crying and shouting out "Why me? Why me?".
> > > > >
> > > > > It has to be his job ...


=====
Kris

Hi all, thanks for the cool jokes! After reading all the jokes... .. .. I need to go for a doctor, coz I am having stomach-ache now.. ciaoooo..

> Re-run!
>
> Subject : 4 Lessons
>
> A young Executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m., and then he found the
> Manager standing in front of the shredder with a piece of paper in his
> hand.
>
> "Listen," said the Manager, "this is a very sensitive and important
> document. Can you make this thing work?"
>
> "Certainly," said the young Executive. He turned the machine on, insert
> the
> paper, and pressed the Start button.
>
> "Excellent, excellent!" said the Manager as his paper disappeared inside
> the machine. "I just need two copies."

> A grumpy old man walks into a bank and says to the Teller at the counter,
> "I want to open a damn checking account."
>
> To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must
> have
> misheard you. What did you say?"
>
> "Listen up b****! I said, I want to open a damn checking account right
> now!"
>
> "I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this
> bank."
>
> Having said this, the Teller leaves the window and goes over to the
> Manager
> to tell him about her problem customer. They both return and the manager
> asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"
>
> "There's no damn problem, sonny," the elderly man says. "I just won 50
> million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking
> account in this damn bank!"
>
> "I see," says the Manager thoughtfully. "And you're saying that this b****
> here is giving you a hard time?"

> An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when
> the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind -ese are you?"
>
> The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you
> mean."
>
> The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?" Again, the Japanese
> was
> confused over the question. The American, now irritated, then yelled,
> "What
> kind of -ese are you...Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!?"
>
> The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."
>
> A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked "What kind
> of -kee" was he. The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what
> kind of -kee am I?!" The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or
> monkee?"

> There were these 4 guys, a French, a Russian, a German and a Singaporean,
> who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie
> appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he
> said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a
> wish.
>
> When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool
> of
> water to become, then your wish will come true."
>
> The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted
> "wine". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman
> was
> so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
>
> Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "vodka" and
> immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
>
> The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "beer". He was so contented
> with his beer pool.
>
> The last is the Singaporean. He was running towards the pool when suddenly
> he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted,
> "shiiittt...!!!"

> Just a joke....
> ***********************
>
> THE NAKED CARD
>
> The multi-purpose MyKad is the latest version of our perpetually
> metamorphosing IC. With an embedded smart chip, it can also store our
> medical history, driver's license, act as an ATM card, serve as an
> electronic purse and even be used at the National Library. However, a
> recent experience by a holder brought to light the questionable control on
> access, potential information abuse and privacy infringement. As the
> belated debate rages on, I can foresee a likely scenario when ordering
> pizzas in the near future...
>
> Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Rumah Attap. May I have your..."
>
> Customer: "Haloo, can I order.."
>
> Operator : "Can I have your MyKad number first, Sir?"
>
> Customer: "It's eh..., hold on...... 6102049998-45-54610"
>
> Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Dhaljeet Singh and you're calling from 17
> Jalan Awan Hitam, off Jalan Ipoh. Your home number is 4094 2366, your
> office 7645 2302 and your mobile is 014 266 2566. Which number are
> you calling from now Sir?
>
> Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?"
>
> Operator : "We are connected to the MyKad system Sir"
>
> Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
>
> Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"
>
> Customer: "How come?"
>
> Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood
> pressure
> and even higher cholesterol level Sir"
>
> Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
>
>
> Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"
> Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
>
> Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the
> National Library last week Sir"
>
> Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family sized ones then, how much
> will that cost?
>
> Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is
> 99.99 Ringgit..."
>
> Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"
>
> Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit car is
> over the limit and you're owing your bank 6720.55 Ringgit
> since October last year"
>
> Customer: "Mera Lund Choong..." [Translation]
> Operator : "That's not including the late payment charges on your housing
> loan Sir.
>
> Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw
> some
> cash before your guy arrives"
>
> Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily
> limit on machine withdrawal today"
>
> Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How
> long is it gonna take anyway?"
>
> Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always
> come
> and collect it on your motorcycle..."
>
> Customer: "Kuti!" [Translation]
>
> Operator : "According to the details in your MyKad, you own a Comel
> Scooter, ...registration number WOB 1123..."
>
> Customer: "Tera peh thenoo picheyo kush karda hunda!" [Translation]
>
> Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you
> were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman... ?"
>
> Customer: [Speechless]
>
> Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"
>
> Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free
> bottles of cola as advertised?"
>
> Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also
> diabetic....... "

haHAHa idiot kiasureans

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day. Carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. "Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."