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 Some jokes I've got from forward email ..., Maybe you've read before

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KLL
post Apr 20 2005, 06:37 PM

New Member
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Newbie
4 posts

Joined: Oct 2004
From: Penang


QUOTE(alien_ong81 @ Apr 15 2005, 12:55 PM)
George W bush goes to hell

One day in the future, George W Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list,but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.

In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No,
I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was
Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
*
Now Bush has to suck Clinton's cock .Betcha 20 bucks clinton faints instantly...... lust.gif lust.gif
KLL
post Apr 20 2005, 06:38 PM

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Joined: Oct 2004
From: Penang


QUOTE(ChuChai @ Apr 12 2005, 06:26 PM)
i'm not sure if this is funny...got it frm bulletin board, here goes..

Ted is 7-yr old n he's very bad in essay
writing.
One day his teacher
asked the class to write a 500-word essay
base on
any title they like.
Ted thought real hard n finally he started
his essay:

------------------------------------------------------

Titled: My Lost Cat
One day i lost my kitty, i went out to the
street n
started calling:

kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty
kitty

kitty

kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty
kitty

kitty

kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty
kitty

kitty

kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty
kitty

kitty

kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty
kitty

kitty

kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty
kitty

kitty

kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty
kitty

kitty

kitty kitty kitty kitt!
V kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty

kitty

kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty
kitty

kitty

kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty
kitty

kitty

kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty
kitty

kitty

kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty
kitty

kitty

kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty
kitty

kitty

kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty
kitty

kitty

kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty
kitty

kitty

kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty
kitty

kitty

kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty
kitty

kitty

kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty
kitty

kitty

kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty
kitty

kitty

kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty
kitty

kitty

kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty! kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty
kitty

kitty

kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty
kitty

kitty

kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty
kitty

kitty

kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty
kitty

kitty

kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty
kitty

kitty

kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty
kitty

kitty

kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty
kitty

kitty

kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty
kitty

kitty

kitty kitty...

"but she never comes back, that's how i
lost my
cat.
(510 words)
*
I fully appreciate your typing efforts
ChuChai
post Apr 20 2005, 10:56 PM

-must get fitter-
******
Senior Member
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Joined: Mar 2005
From: subang jaya



QUOTE(KLL @ Apr 20 2005, 06:38 PM)
I fully appreciate your typing efforts
*
haha, didn do much, jus copied n paste tongue.gif
zimhibikie
post Apr 21 2005, 09:40 AM

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From: Harlan County


The Blind Man

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

zimhibikie
post Apr 21 2005, 09:41 AM

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From: Harlan County


Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job five years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars and cruise around and jokes with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed,
Clueless




Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York.

ACT LIKE IT!

Signed,
Abby


zimhibikie
post Apr 21 2005, 09:43 AM

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Material Safety Data Sheet


Woman, a chemical analysis.


ELEMENT: Woman
SYMBOL: WO2
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 118 lbs, but specimens known
to vary from 100lbs to 550lbs

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Exposed surfaces usually covered with some form of painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if it feels wronged and never forgets.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Many specimens yield when pressure is applied to certain points.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones.
2. Some specimens require vast quantities of expensive substances before behavioural changes occur.
3. known to explode without prior warning and for no apparent reason.
4. insoluble in liquid, but exposure to alcohol is known to have strange effects on their behavior patterns.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES:
1. Many specimens found to be of ornamental value only, especially in sports cars and at functions.
2. Other specimens found to be warm and friendly and a great aid to relaxation.
(N.B. If both the above examples are found at the same location a hostile environment may soon develop).

TEST:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when caught in natural state.
2. Turns green when placed next to a superior specimen.

HAZARDS:
1. Highly unpredictable even in very experienced hands. (Important note. Experience in handling one specimen, does not automatically qualifies you to handle the next that comes along.)
2. Possessing more than one specimen at any one time can be dangerous or even fatal.
3. Not accepting what they say at face value has been found to be detrimental to mans peace of mind.
4. Accepting what they say at face value has been found to be detrimental to mans peace of mind.


KLL
post Apr 21 2005, 11:15 AM

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From: Penang


QUOTE(zimhibikie @ Apr 21 2005, 09:41 AM)
Dear  Abby:
        My husband is a liar and a cheat.  He has cheated on me from the  beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything.  What's worse,  everyone knows he cheats on me.  It is so humiliating.
        Also, since he lost his job five years ago he hasn't even looked for a new  one.  All he does is buy cigars and cruise around and jokes with  his  pals, while I have to work to pay the  bills.
        Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian. What should I  do?
Signed,
    Clueless




Dear  Clueless:
    Grow up and dump him.  For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York.

ACT LIKE IT!

Signed,
    Abby
*
This really [FONT=Optima][SIZE=14][COLOR=red]SUCKS!
zimhibikie
post Apr 22 2005, 10:02 AM

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From: Harlan County


After several years of serving the church in a far away land a priest is requested to report to his new assignment at a church in the South Bonx New York. Upon his arrival he set out immediately to learn the new culture by taking a walk down the street in plain clothes.

On his way a loose looking woman approaches him and in a lowered voice says, "Hey Buddy... blow job 25 bucks."

The priest glares at her confused and says "What's a blow job?..."

The woman is just as confused and says "What are you a comedian!" and walks off.

The priest undaunted walks on to the next block and again another seedy looking woman confronts him and again repeats,

"Hey mister blow job 25 bucks."

The priest quickly replies "What is this blow job!?"

The woman looks at him surprised and thinking something's wrong hurries off.

The priest now very curious returns to the church to ask anyone he can find what exactly this thing he's never heard of is. The first door he sees as he enters the church is that of Mother Superior.

The priest knocks on the door and Mother Superior invites him in to take a seat.

The priest looks at Mother Superior and says "I have a question - What is a blow job?"

Mother Superior quickly goes to shut the door and upon returning to her seat she replies in a whisper.... "Same as on the outside.... 25 Bucks.... "

p/s and little dude, who cares what u think..
zimhibikie
post Apr 22 2005, 12:23 PM

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From: Harlan County


A bit dirty...

Women's life is hard.

Morning wash clothes.

Noon hang clothes

Evening keep clothes

Nite iron clothes

Midnight take off clothes

Few hours after midnight find clothes


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



To make it straight she pulls it.

To make it stand she rubs it.

To make it stiff she licks it.

To let it in she pushes it.

True?

Threading a needle is not easy.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



A woman's husband died & she had him cremated.

She then blew his ashes into the ocean and said " Sweetheart, this is my last blowjob for you".


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Girl: Mom what is a penis?

Mom: When you become a good girl you will get one.

Girl: But mom what if I am not a good girl?

Mom: Then you will get many!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



A lawyer who was confused in his mathematics asked his secretary:

If I give you $3million less 17.5%, how much would you take off?

Secretary: Everything Sir! Dress, Bra and Panties.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Schoolgirl: I do not want to take the sex Education class.

Teacher: Why?

Schoolgirl: Someone told me that the final exam will be Oral.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Two sperms talking on mobile

Ist: I'm somewhere between the fallopian tube n uterus.

Are u close by?

2nd: No boy, I am taking a different route. I am just crossing the tonsils.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Scientists have discovered that the lightest thing in the world is a PENIS. This is because it can be lifted up even by a simple thought.


:+:DarreN:+:
post Apr 24 2005, 06:06 PM

I hate my username
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^ROFLMAO..nice jokes zimhibikie laugh.gif

cheers~
Aoshi_88
post Apr 24 2005, 06:42 PM

Talking isn't difficult. Speaking is.
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Lol! So funny!!! Very very educational. Especially the chemical analysis of women.
SUSchewxy
post Apr 24 2005, 08:51 PM

Flying Side By Side with my beloved Pretty Swallow
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11,234 posts

Joined: Jan 2003


QUOTE(zimhibikie @ Apr 21 2005, 09:41 AM)
Dear  Abby:
        My husband is a liar and a cheat.  He has cheated on me from the  beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything.  What's worse,  everyone knows he cheats on me.  It is so humiliating.
        Also, since he lost his job five years ago he hasn't even looked for a new  one.  All he does is buy cigars and cruise around and jokes with  his  pals, while I have to work to pay the  bills.
        Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian. What should I  do?
Signed,
    Clueless




Dear  Clueless:
    Grow up and dump him.  For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York.

ACT LIKE IT!

Signed,
    Abby
*
QUOTE(KLL @ Apr 21 2005, 11:15 AM)
This really [FONT=Optima][SIZE=14][COLOR=red]SUCKS!
*
I bet you're politically ignorant and do not know who is Hillary Clinton..


BTW: Zimhibikie.. Clinton thinks oral sex is not sex
zimhibikie
post Apr 27 2005, 11:24 AM

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Joined: Jan 2003
From: Harlan County


Friendship among...............

Friendship among women:
A woman doesn't come home at night. The next day she tells her husband she slept over at a friends house. The man calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know about it.

Friendship among men:
A man doesn't come home at night. The next day he tells his wife he slept over at a friends house. The woman calls her husbands 10 best friends. 8 of them say he did sleep over and 2 claim he's still there.

zimhibikie
post Apr 27 2005, 11:25 AM

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Joined: Jan 2003
From: Harlan County


A bit 18SX

After several years of serving the church in a far away land a priest is requested to report to his new assignment at a church in the South Bronx New York. Upon his arrival he set out immediately to learn the new culture by taking a walk down the street in plain clothes.

On his way a loose looking woman approaches him and in a lowered voice says, "Hey Buddy... blow job 25 bucks."

The priest glares at her confused and says "What's a blow job?..."

The woman is just as confused and says "What are you a comedian!" and walks off.

The priest undaunted walks on to the next block and again another seedy looking woman confronts him and again repeats,

"Hey mister blow job 25 bucks."

The priest quickly replies "What is this blow job!?"

The woman looks at him surprised and thinking something's wrong hurries off.

The priest now very curious returns to the church to ask anyone he can find what exactly this thing he's never heard of is. The first door he sees as he enters the church is that of Mother Superior.

The priest knocks on the door and Mother Superior invites him in to take a seat.

The priest looks at Mother Superior and says "I have a question - What is a blow job?"

Mother Superior quickly goes to shut the door and upon returning to her seat she replies in a whisper.... "Same as on the outside.... 25 Bucks.... "

zimhibikie
post Apr 28 2005, 12:08 PM

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Joined: Jan 2003
From: Harlan County


I'm Goin' to Hell!
An old lady dies and goes to heaven.

She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams. "Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.



Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.""I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there, "says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."



"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"

zimhibikie
post Apr 28 2005, 12:17 PM

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From: Harlan County


A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in one hell of a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it-- I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!
.........
The dentist thought to himself, "Damn. This sure is a strong man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain."
........
So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"
.........
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show the doctor which tooth hurts."

zimhibikie
post Apr 28 2005, 12:18 PM

Freak of Nature
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2,825 posts

Joined: Jan 2003
From: Harlan County


"Why Men Get Out Of Bed"

A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the
middle of the night...
~ 5% said it was to get a glass of water...
~ 12% said it was to go to the toilet...
~ 83% said it was to go home.

asdfgh
post Apr 28 2005, 10:26 PM

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blink.gif
Two Italian men and a lady stranded on a desert
island;
The two fought and one KILLED the other to have
the lady.

Two American men and a lady stranded on a
desert island;
They both had the lady TOGETHER.

Two French men and a lady stranded on a desert
island;
They killed the lady to have EACH OTHER.

Two Indonesian men and a lady stranded on a
desert island;
The first man claimed that island is independent
and took the lady as his advisor.
The second man swam to another island to search
for jobs.

Two Thai men and a lady stranded on a desert
island;
The first man rented the lady to the second man
for 2 baht a night.

Two Filipino men and a lady stranded on a desert
island;
The first man kidnapped the lady and asked for
ransom from the other man.

Two Malaysian men and a lady stranded on a
desert island;
The lady ACCUSED the first man of sodomizing
the other because she was rejected by both.

Two Singaporean men and a lady stranded on a
desert island;
The two men are still waiting for instructions from
the GOVERNMENT on how to proceed.
zimhibikie
post Apr 29 2005, 12:50 AM

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Joined: Jan 2003
From: Harlan County


QUOTE(asdfgh @ Apr 28 2005, 10:26 PM)
blink.gif
Two Italian men and a lady stranded on a desert
island;
The two fought and one KILLED the other to have
the lady.

Two American men and a lady stranded on a
desert island;
They both had the lady TOGETHER.

Two French men and a lady stranded on a desert
island;
They killed the lady to have EACH OTHER.

Two Indonesian men and a lady stranded on a
desert island;
The first man claimed that island is independent
and took the lady as his advisor.
The second man swam to another island to search
for jobs.

Two Thai men and a lady stranded on a desert
island;
The first man rented the lady to the second man
for 2 baht a night.

Two Filipino men and a lady stranded on a desert
island;
The first man kidnapped the lady and asked for
ransom from the other man.

Two Malaysian men and a lady stranded on a
desert island;
The lady ACCUSED the first man of sodomizing
the other because she was rejected by both.

Two Singaporean men and a lady stranded on a
desert island;
The two men are still waiting for instructions from
the GOVERNMENT on how to proceed.
*
biggrin.gif biggrin.gif biggrin.gif biggrin.gif Thats is so damn funny..

zimhibikie
post Apr 29 2005, 01:35 AM

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Joined: Jan 2003
From: Harlan County


Medieval Pick up lines

- "Hey, Princess, you wouldn't happen to know where a lonely knight could scabbard his sword, would you?"

- "Been there, slain that."

- "What's a nice maiden like you doing in a dungeon like this?"

- "They don't call me Lance-A-Lot for nothing, you know."

- "When the Inquisition put me on the rack, my limbs weren't the only thing they stretched."

- "Dost thou know? That chastity belt of yours would look great on my sleeping chambers floor."

- Wench: "What's that sound?" Knight: "That's just the sound of my chain mail drawers expanding."

- "Thou hast hit on me harder than the black plague!"

- "Your hovel or mine?"

- "Pardon me, madam, but wouldeth thou like to see my long sword in action?"

- "Dost thou practice safe hex?"

- "Milady, it's not the size of the wand that matters, but the magic within."

- "I have the key to your chastity belt and you have the key to my heart."

- "You should be glad I'm not a Viking."

- "You would have been ravaged and plundered by now."

- "I lost my leg in battle. Guess what I'm walking on!"

- "Yes, fair maiden, I am indeed a wizard. Shall I make your clothes disappear?"

- "You won't believe this but St. George just appeared to me in a vision and told me that I must bed you...the fate of England depends is on it!!"

- "I'm really a prince cursed by an evil witch. Tell me, do you have sex with frogs?"

- "My! But you are a beautiful damsel in distress! Allow me to help you out of it."

- "I've been VERY NAUGHTY. You'll have to put me in the stocks and...er...PUNISH me, now won't you?"

- "You know, I was once imprisoned in a tower very much like Repunnzel. Only it wasn't my hair that the queen asked me to let down."

- "I may not be a priest, but I can get you to heaven, m'lady."

- "C'mon, sweetie...didn't your mother ever tell you? A cleric a day keeps the black plague away."

- "I seem to have lost my sex slave, can I borrow you for a bit?"



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