Priorities Do Change

The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, I tied her up and went fishing.

Good trade

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out
to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale
department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a
size 28AAAA bra?"
The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and
proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the
same manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall,
she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.

Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her
blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"

The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"

As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of
26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather
peculiar Order. He took the usual vows of poverty, chastity, but
his Order also required that he quit golf and never play again.
This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and
was finally ordained a priest.
One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and
realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early
spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and
convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the
Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town
to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he
wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was
Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this
time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down
from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get
away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father
Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin,
dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It
WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked
at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord
smiled and replied, "Who is he going to tell?"

Perfect Day

The "Perfect Day" for Her:

8:15AM Wake up to hugs and kisses.

8:30AM Weigh in 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday

8:45AM Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed OJ & croissants.

9:15AM Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.

10:00AM Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.

10:30AM Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out.

12:00PM Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe.

12:45PM Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs.

1:00PM Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.

3:00PM Nap.

4:00PM 3 dozen roses delivered by florist from secret admirer.

4:15PM Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage.

5:30PM Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before the mirror.

7:30PM Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.

10:00PM Hot shower.

10:30PM Make love.

11:00PM Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.

11:15PM Fall asleep in his big strong arms.


The "Perfect Day" for Him:

6:00AM Alarm.

6:15AM Blowjob.

6:30AM Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today.

7:00AM Breakfast, filet mignon & eggs, toast & coffee.

7:30AM Limo arrives.

7:45AM Stoli Bloody Mary en route to airport.

8:15AM Private jet to Augusta, Georgia (coffee, SI & WSJ)

9:30AM Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.

9:45AM Front nine at Augusta (2 under).

11:45AM Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens.

2:15PM Blowjob.

2:15PM Back nine at Augusta (4 under).

2:30PM Limo back to airport (Bombay martini, shaken, 2 olives).

3:15PM Private jet, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap).

4:30PM Land World Record light tackle Marlin (1249
lbs.)

5:00PM Private jet back home (blowjob at 30,000 feet).

6:45PM Shit, shower and shave.

7:00PM Watch CNN, Clinton resigns, Hillary animal video authenticated.

7:30PM Dinner, lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon > > (1963), 20 oz. New York Steak.

9:00PM Remy Martin and Cuban Cohiba cigar.

9:30PM Sex with three women (at least 2 are bi).

11:00PM Massage and Jacuzzi.

11:45PM Bed (alone).

11:50PM 12 second, 4 note fart, dog leaves room.

11:55PM Sleep.

The Blind Man

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job five years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars and cruise around and jokes with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed,
Clueless




Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York.

ACT LIKE IT!

Signed,
Abby

Material Safety Data Sheet


Woman, a chemical analysis.


ELEMENT: Woman
SYMBOL: WO2
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 118 lbs, but specimens known
to vary from 100lbs to 550lbs

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Exposed surfaces usually covered with some form of painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if it feels wronged and never forgets.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Many specimens yield when pressure is applied to certain points.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones.
2. Some specimens require vast quantities of expensive substances before behavioural changes occur.
3. known to explode without prior warning and for no apparent reason.
4. insoluble in liquid, but exposure to alcohol is known to have strange effects on their behavior patterns.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES:
1. Many specimens found to be of ornamental value only, especially in sports cars and at functions.
2. Other specimens found to be warm and friendly and a great aid to relaxation.
(N.B. If both the above examples are found at the same location a hostile environment may soon develop).

TEST:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when caught in natural state.
2. Turns green when placed next to a superior specimen.

HAZARDS:
1. Highly unpredictable even in very experienced hands. (Important note. Experience in handling one specimen, does not automatically qualifies you to handle the next that comes along.)
2. Possessing more than one specimen at any one time can be dangerous or even fatal.
3. Not accepting what they say at face value has been found to be detrimental to mans peace of mind.
4. Accepting what they say at face value has been found to be detrimental to mans peace of mind.

After several years of serving the church in a far away land a priest is requested to report to his new assignment at a church in the South Bonx New York. Upon his arrival he set out immediately to learn the new culture by taking a walk down the street in plain clothes.

On his way a loose looking woman approaches him and in a lowered voice says, "Hey Buddy... blow job 25 bucks."

The priest glares at her confused and says "What's a blow job?..."

The woman is just as confused and says "What are you a comedian!" and walks off.

The priest undaunted walks on to the next block and again another seedy looking woman confronts him and again repeats,

"Hey mister blow job 25 bucks."

The priest quickly replies "What is this blow job!?"

The woman looks at him surprised and thinking something's wrong hurries off.

The priest now very curious returns to the church to ask anyone he can find what exactly this thing he's never heard of is. The first door he sees as he enters the church is that of Mother Superior.

The priest knocks on the door and Mother Superior invites him in to take a seat.

The priest looks at Mother Superior and says "I have a question - What is a blow job?"

Mother Superior quickly goes to shut the door and upon returning to her seat she replies in a whisper.... "Same as on the outside.... 25 Bucks.... "

p/s and little dude, who cares what u think..

A bit dirty...

Women's life is hard.

Morning wash clothes.

Noon hang clothes

Evening keep clothes

Nite iron clothes

Midnight take off clothes

Few hours after midnight find clothes


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To make it straight she pulls it.

To make it stand she rubs it.

To make it stiff she licks it.

To let it in she pushes it.

True?

Threading a needle is not easy.


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A woman's husband died & she had him cremated.

She then blew his ashes into the ocean and said " Sweetheart, this is my last blowjob for you".


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Girl: Mom what is a penis?

Mom: When you become a good girl you will get one.

Girl: But mom what if I am not a good girl?

Mom: Then you will get many!


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A lawyer who was confused in his mathematics asked his secretary:

If I give you $3million less 17.5%, how much would you take off?

Secretary: Everything Sir! Dress, Bra and Panties.


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Schoolgirl: I do not want to take the sex Education class.

Teacher: Why?

Schoolgirl: Someone told me that the final exam will be Oral.


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Two sperms talking on mobile

Ist: I'm somewhere between the fallopian tube n uterus.

Are u close by?

2nd: No boy, I am taking a different route. I am just crossing the tonsils.


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Scientists have discovered that the lightest thing in the world is a PENIS. This is because it can be lifted up even by a simple thought.

Friendship among...............

Friendship among women:
A woman doesn't come home at night. The next day she tells her husband she slept over at a friends house. The man calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know about it.

Friendship among men:
A man doesn't come home at night. The next day he tells his wife he slept over at a friends house. The woman calls her husbands 10 best friends. 8 of them say he did sleep over and 2 claim he's still there.

A bit 18SX

After several years of serving the church in a far away land a priest is requested to report to his new assignment at a church in the South Bronx New York. Upon his arrival he set out immediately to learn the new culture by taking a walk down the street in plain clothes.

On his way a loose looking woman approaches him and in a lowered voice says, "Hey Buddy... blow job 25 bucks."

The priest glares at her confused and says "What's a blow job?..."

The woman is just as confused and says "What are you a comedian!" and walks off.

The priest undaunted walks on to the next block and again another seedy looking woman confronts him and again repeats,

"Hey mister blow job 25 bucks."

The priest quickly replies "What is this blow job!?"

The woman looks at him surprised and thinking something's wrong hurries off.

The priest now very curious returns to the church to ask anyone he can find what exactly this thing he's never heard of is. The first door he sees as he enters the church is that of Mother Superior.

The priest knocks on the door and Mother Superior invites him in to take a seat.

The priest looks at Mother Superior and says "I have a question - What is a blow job?"

Mother Superior quickly goes to shut the door and upon returning to her seat she replies in a whisper.... "Same as on the outside.... 25 Bucks.... "

I'm Goin' to Hell!
An old lady dies and goes to heaven.

She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams. "Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.



Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.""I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there, "says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."



"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in one hell of a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it-- I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!
.........
The dentist thought to himself, "Damn. This sure is a strong man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain."
........
So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"
.........
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show the doctor which tooth hurts."

"Why Men Get Out Of Bed"

A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the
middle of the night...
~ 5% said it was to get a glass of water...
~ 12% said it was to go to the toilet...
~ 83% said it was to go home.

Thats is so damn funny..

Medieval Pick up lines

- "Hey, Princess, you wouldn't happen to know where a lonely knight could scabbard his sword, would you?"

- "Been there, slain that."

- "What's a nice maiden like you doing in a dungeon like this?"

- "They don't call me Lance-A-Lot for nothing, you know."

- "When the Inquisition put me on the rack, my limbs weren't the only thing they stretched."

- "Dost thou know? That chastity belt of yours would look great on my sleeping chambers floor."

- Wench: "What's that sound?" Knight: "That's just the sound of my chain mail drawers expanding."

- "Thou hast hit on me harder than the black plague!"

- "Your hovel or mine?"

- "Pardon me, madam, but wouldeth thou like to see my long sword in action?"

- "Dost thou practice safe hex?"

- "Milady, it's not the size of the wand that matters, but the magic within."

- "I have the key to your chastity belt and you have the key to my heart."

- "You should be glad I'm not a Viking."

- "You would have been ravaged and plundered by now."

- "I lost my leg in battle. Guess what I'm walking on!"

- "Yes, fair maiden, I am indeed a wizard. Shall I make your clothes disappear?"

- "You won't believe this but St. George just appeared to me in a vision and told me that I must bed you...the fate of England depends is on it!!"

- "I'm really a prince cursed by an evil witch. Tell me, do you have sex with frogs?"

- "My! But you are a beautiful damsel in distress! Allow me to help you out of it."

- "I've been VERY NAUGHTY. You'll have to put me in the stocks and...er...PUNISH me, now won't you?"

- "You know, I was once imprisoned in a tower very much like Repunnzel. Only it wasn't my hair that the queen asked me to let down."

- "I may not be a priest, but I can get you to heaven, m'lady."

- "C'mon, sweetie...didn't your mother ever tell you? A cleric a day keeps the black plague away."

- "I seem to have lost my sex slave, can I borrow you for a bit?"

SCORE WITH HOT BABES WITH THE WORLD'S 20 GREATEST PICKUP LINES


Guys, having an arsenal of clever pickup lines at your disposal is the key to success with women. And here, from our panel of 12 swinging bachelors from across America, are the greatest pickup lines ever! "Break the ice with one of these surefire lines and you'll score with even the most stuck-up chick," declares Los Angeles panel member Chip Gogdins, whose bedpost boasts 1,250 notches.

Here are the 20 best:
If I told you that you have the world's greatest body, would you hold it against me.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

How about you sit on my lap and we see what pops up?

You must be a parking ticket because you have "fine" written all over you.

Say, that's a nice skirt. Can I talk you out of it?

I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?

You must have a mirror in your pants because I see myself in them.

I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away.

Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package.

I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your place?

There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.

My magic watch tells me you don't have on panties. (Girl: But I AM wearing panties.) Oh, it must be running an hour fast.

Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.

That outfit is great -- and it would look even better in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.

Your daddy must be a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.

(Looking at her shirt label) Just checking to see if you were made in Heaven.

Have you lost your virginity? (Girl: Yes.) Well, can I have the box it came in?

This bar sure is a meat market -- and you're the filet mignon.

Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.

Do you sleep on your stomach? (Girl: No.) Can I?

Computer Women

HARD-DISK Woman
She remembers everything you say and do, FOREVER!

WINDOWS Woman:
Everyone knows that she can't do anything right, but you can't live without her.

EXCEL Woman
They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for only four of your basic needs.

SCREENSAVER Woman
She is good for nothing functional, but at least she is exciting, colourful, and lots of fun!

INTERNET Woman
Difficult to access and hard to keep running!!!

SERVER Woman
Claims to be available to you, but Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA Woman
She has a way of making horrible things look very beautiful.

CD-ROM Woman
She always has you on the move, going faster and faster!!!

E-MAIL Woman
Out of every ten things she says, eight are plain nonsense.

VIRUS Woman
Also known as "WIFE"; when you are least expecting her, she shows up, installs herself, and starts gobbling up all your resources. If you try to uninstall her, you will lose almost every thing. If you don't try to uninstall her, you will still have nothing.

This post has been edited by zimhibikie: Jun 13 2005, 03:20 PM

And damn funny too