Lol!!! Hahahaha.... good one zimhibikie

Dunno this has been posted b4, hopefully not laaa

A tortoise family got a very mobile toilet, as mobile as Pentium M.
it could be moved anywhere cos it was very light....
one day the tortoise kid was very angry with his teacher in school...
so when he reach home he go to find something to vent his anger
he smashed a lot of vases, he uprooted many flowers and left a trail of destruction wherever he went.
then he came to the very mobile toilet. So he kicked it into the river behind the toilet. Miraculously his anger dissipated after kicking the toilet, so he went back to his room.
So when the family found their precious very mobile toilet missing, they asked each other where it had gone. The tortoise kid admitted honestly that he kicked it into the river. his father smacked him very hard.
The tortoise kid asked sadly, "When George Washington chopped off the tree of his father's, his father did not even scold him. Why now I kicked the toilet you smacked me so hard?"
The father shouted," When George Washington cut down that tree, he was lucky that his father was not on the tree, UNDERSTAND???????"

real scary, especially the I have lost my leg one

SCORE WITH HOT BABES WITH THE WORLD'S 20 GREATEST PICKUP LINES


Guys, having an arsenal of clever pickup lines at your disposal is the key to success with women. And here, from our panel of 12 swinging bachelors from across America, are the greatest pickup lines ever! "Break the ice with one of these surefire lines and you'll score with even the most stuck-up chick," declares Los Angeles panel member Chip Gogdins, whose bedpost boasts 1,250 notches.

Here are the 20 best:
If I told you that you have the world's greatest body, would you hold it against me.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

How about you sit on my lap and we see what pops up?

You must be a parking ticket because you have "fine" written all over you.

Say, that's a nice skirt. Can I talk you out of it?

I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?

You must have a mirror in your pants because I see myself in them.

I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away.

Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package.

I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your place?

There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.

My magic watch tells me you don't have on panties. (Girl: But I AM wearing panties.) Oh, it must be running an hour fast.

Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.

That outfit is great -- and it would look even better in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.

Your daddy must be a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.

(Looking at her shirt label) Just checking to see if you were made in Heaven.

Have you lost your virginity? (Girl: Yes.) Well, can I have the box it came in?

This bar sure is a meat market -- and you're the filet mignon.

Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.

Do you sleep on your stomach? (Girl: No.) Can I?

shocking.....

if u use these in m'sia chances are u'd get slapped real hard

haha...very true indeed...

Just got it from a friend


* Pemuda Hensem Bertanya, Pengembala Tua
Bangka
Menjawab

Temubual seorang pemuda dengan pakcik gembala
biri-biri. ...
Pemuda : Boleh saya tanya beberapa soalan tak?
Pakcik : Boleh aje...
Pemuda : Berapa jauh biri-biri ni berjalan setiap
hari?
Pakcik : Yang mana, yang putih atau yang hitam?"
Pemuda : Yang putih.
Pakcik : Kalau yang putih lebih kurang enam
kilometer setiap hari.
Pemuda : Yang hitam?
Pakcik : Yang hitam pun sama...
Pemuda : Berapa banyak plak rumput biri-biri ni
makan setiap hari?
Pakcik : Yang mana, yang putih atau yang hitam?
Pemuda : Yang putih?
Pakcik : Ah, yang putih lebih kurang empat kilo
rumput setiap hari.
Pemuda : Dan yang hitam?
Pakcik : Yang hitam pun sama...
Pemuda : Berapa banyak bulu yang mereka
hasilkan
setiap tahun?
Pakcik : Yang mana, yang putih atau yang hitam?
Pemuda : Yang putih?
Pakcik : Aaa...yang putih sekitar enam kilo bulu
setiap tahun.
Pemuda : Dan yang hitam?
Pakcik : Yang hitam pun sama...
Pemuda : Kenapa pakcik membezakan biri-biri
pakcik
yg putih dgn yg hitam,padahal jawapan semuanya
sama aje?
Pakcik : Mestilah...sebab biri-biri yang putih itu
pakcik yang punye.
Pemuda : Ooo, gitu ke...abis tu yang hitam tu sapa
punye?
Pakcik : Yang hitam pun sama...

wtf?? stating the obvious

ROFL satu putih satu hitam, padahal semua sama

haha. that pakcik is sure one clown!

really char tou....

Did He Get The Job?
------------------------
Actual Fast Food Job Application

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a fast-food
establishment........

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's
available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael
Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an
offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens
and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to
a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be
here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would
be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas
with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing
since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF
YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

nice one !!

This is my favourite....

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to
a more intimate environment.

Wanna hear a dirty joke?













A White horse fell into the mud. XD

thats lame man.......

That's dirty but that's not a joke

Stress Reliever # 1

> >Wife : You always carry my photo in your handbag

> >to the office. Why?

> >Hubby : When there is a problem, no matter how

> >impossible, I look at your picture and the problem

> >disappears.

> >Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am

> >for you?

> >Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to

> >myself, "What other problem can there be greater

> >than this one?"

> >__________________________________________

> >Stress Reliever # 2

> >

> >Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your

> >worries, troubles and lighten your burden.

> >Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have

> >any worries or troubles.

> >Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

> >__________________________________________

> >Stress Reliever # 3

> >

> >Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this

> >morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

> >Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.

> >Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

> >__________________________________________

> >Stress Reliever # 4

> >

> >Wife: "What's your excuse for coming home at this

> >time of the night?"

> >Husband: "Golfing with friends, my dear."

> >Wife: " What? At 2 am?"

> >Husband: "Yes, We used night clubs."

> >__________________________________________

> >Stress Reliever # 5

> >A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you

> >have married me if my father hadn't left me a

> >fortune?"

> >"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have

> >married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A

> >FORTUNE"

> >__________________________________________

> >Stress Reliever # 6

> >Father to son after exam: " Let me see your report

> >card."

> >Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare

> >his parents."

> >__________________________________________

> >Stress Reliever # 7

> >

> >"How was your blind date?" a college student

> >asked her roommate.

> >"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up

> >in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

> >"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What 's so

> >bad about that?"

> >"He was the original owner."

> >__________________________________________

> >Stress Reliever # 8

> >

> >A teacher asked her class for sentences using the

> >word 'beans'..

> >"My father grows beans," said one student.

> >"My father cooks beans," said another.

> >Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human

> >beans."

> >__________________________________________

> >Stress Reliever # 9

> >

> >Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe

> >your success as a millionaire?"

> >Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."

> >Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman.

> >What were you before you married her?"

> >Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

> >__________________________________________

> >Stress Reliever # 10

> >

> >Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours

> >forever.

> >The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.

> >__________________________________________

> >Stress Reliever # 11

> >

> >A husband was asked: "Do you talk to your wife

> >after sex?"

> >He replied: "Depends, if I can find a phone."

> >__________________________________________

> >Stress Reliever # 12

> >

> >Man to wife on wedding night: "Are you sure I'm

> >the first man you are sleeping with?"

> >Wife replied: "Of course honey, I stayed awake

> >with all the others!"

> >__________________________________________

> >Stress Reliever # 13

> >

> >"Why did they stop printing PAMELA ANDERSON

> >stamps in the U.S.?"

> >Answer: "Because people started licking the wrong

> >side."

> >__________________________________________

> >Stress Reliever # 14

> >

> >A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most

> >in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?"

> >He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I

> >like your sense of humour."

__________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 15



Doctor to his lady patient: "You look terribly weak

and exhausted! Are you having three meals a day

as I have advised?"

Lady replied: "Doctor, I thought you said three

males a day."