nice ones, thx for sharing

>BRAIN TUMOR
>Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
>Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
>Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
>Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
>Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
>Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!

>MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL
>Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
>Mr. Bean: 9
>Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
>Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the
>answer is 6!!

>WHILE IN A DRUG STORE
>Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
>Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
>Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!

>QUEUING BEHIND HIS FRIEND AT AN ATM MACHINE
>Friend: What are you looking at?
>Mr. Bean: I know your PIN number. Hee, hee!
>Friend: Alright, what is my PIN number if you saw it?
>Mr. Bean: Four asterisks!

>MARRIAGE
>Friend: How many women do you believe a man must marry?
>Mr. Bean: 16
>Friend: Why?
>Mr. Bean: Because the priest says "4" richer, "4" poorer, "4" better and
>"4" worse.

>MOM
>Mr. Bean: (crying) The doctor called, "Mom's dead".
>Friend: Condolence, my friend.
>After 2 minutes Mr. Bean cries even louder
>Friend: What now?
>Mr. Bean: My sister just called, her mom died too!

>MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING
>Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hours because
>of a power failure.
>Mr. Bean: Thats alright, me too. I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hours.

>SPELLING LESSON
>Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of 'successful' ... Is it one 'c' or two 'c's?
>Mr. Bean: Make it three 'c's to be sure!

One day this man was driving for hours through the country side and needed to go to the bathroom urgently. He sees an old store off the side of the road, pulls up and proceeds to the bathroom. When he was done dumping his captains log, he looked around and noticed to his shock there was no toilet paper and a sign on the wall - "Sorry, there is no toilet paper, but if you wipe your arse with your index and middle fingers and stick them in this hole they will be licked clean." The man thought to himself that that was nasty and that he was not going to do that. So he sits for a further hour trying to figure out what to do, and eventually realizes that although its nasty, that he would do it. So he wipes his arse with his fingers and sticks them in the hole. Then a man on the other side slams two bricks onto the mans fingers so hard the unbelievable pain causes him to shove his fingers in his mouth.


============================================================================
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The b****!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his d*** off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."


===========================================================================
A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead. "I'm afraid he died last week." she explains. The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week." The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?" "Coz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."


===========================================================================
These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?" "Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!" The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton. A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat." And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush. The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talking! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!"

==========================================================================
A guy had a major argument with his girlfriend. He was in the wrong, but not enough to back down without an argument. So after storming away, and cooling off, the guy had a think. He was clearly in the wrong and felt pretty guilty, with all the trauma it had caused.
So to make it up to his girlfriend, he said he'd buy her a gift. "Any thing at all, my love", the guy said, overcome with remorse. "Oh, I don't know", she replied, "You really shouldn't do this you know. But, if you are, just get me something really expensive, that I don't need."
The following day he booked her in for chemotherapy.

===========================================================================
A professor at the University of Texas was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you
who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hands.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises! his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba,
tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Bubba replied, "Heck! From way back there I thought you said "Goats!"
===========================================================================
TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED...

10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".

9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

8. The cat is on Valium.

7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.

6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.

5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.

4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.

1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

============================================================================
TOP 10 SIGNS SOMEONE PLAYS TOO MANY VIDEO GAMES

10. They ask for all their money in quarters.

9. They're not sure what season, or year it is.

8. They're best friends names are Super Mario, Pac-man, and Sonic (if they have real-life friends).

7. The electric company and the toy store sends them birthday cards.

6. Big falling blocks and hot lava pits haunt their dreams.

5. Their fingers twitch all the time.

4. When they are sick at home the change clerk at the arcade calls to see if they are all right.

3. They can play 2 player games by themselves.

2. Everyone at the arcade knows them by name.

1. Someone is reading this to them, 'cause they're too busy getting a new high score and can not be bothered.

This post has been edited by RyonanGT: Feb 16 2004, 11:54 PM

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.

Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given Al yelled out, "Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall.

The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall." He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, "Fire!"

===========================================================================
Before the inauguration, George W. was invited to a 'get acquainted' tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal!

That afternoon, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I am President, I'll have my own personal gold urinal!"

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who pissed in your saxophone."

============================================================================
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds ,"It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What¹s on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb shit, it's Tony Blair!"

============================================================================
George W. Bush and his driver were going to Air Force One and were passing a farm. A pig jumped out in the road suddenly. The driver tried to get out of the way, but he hit him. He went in the farm to explain what had happened. He came out with a beer, a cigar, and a tons of money. Bush saw this and said, "My God, what did you tell them?" The driver replied, "I told them that I'm George W. Bush's driver and I just killed the pig."

============================================================================

HAHAHAHA!!!!

lol... those jokes can really make me laugh whole day!

u almost made me laugh out in class

Friends are like underwear, always a comfort.
> >
> > > > > > Good friends are like condom always protecting.
> >
> > > > > > Great friends are like viagra, lift you up when you are down.
> >
> > > > > >
> >
> > > > > > The sad life of a penis " I only have one eye,
> >
> > > > > > my hair is a mess, my skin is wrinkly, my relatives are nuts, my
> >
> > > > > > neighbor's an ******* and my best friend's a *****."
> >
> > > > > >
> >
> > > > > > Engineering. Why are WOMEN the best ENGINEERS in
> >
> > > > > > the WORLD? Because they can
> >
> > > > > > DEMOLISH an ERECTION without damaging the STRUCTURE!
> >
> > > > > >
> >
> > > > > > Don't make love to a policewoman; she will say
> >
> > > > > > "STOP". Don't make love to a
> >
> > > > > > nurse, she will say "NEXT", but make love to a
> >
> > > > > > bus conductor, she will say,
> >
> > > > > > "MASUK DALAM LAGI!!"
> >
> > > > > >
> >
> > > > > > Man: I wanna buy condom
> >
> > > > > > Salesgirl: May I hold your penis for size?
> >
> > > > > > Give him a 'M'. Wait.......
> >
> > > > > > Give him 'L'..wait...give him 'XL'.... Oh
> >
> > > > > > shit.... Give me a TISSUE.....
> >
> > > > > >
> >
> > > > > > An Arab interviewd at the US Checkpoint.
> >
> > > > > > Officer: Your name please?
> >
> > > > > > Arab Guy: Abdul Aziz
> >
> > > > > > Officer: Sex?
> >
> > > > > > Arab Guy: Six times a week.
> >
> > > > > > Officer: I mean male or female?
> >
> > > > > > Arab Guy: Doesn't matter, sometimes even camel.
> >
> > > > > >
> >
> > > > > > Dracula asks God " May I reincarnate into a
> >
> > > > > > white angel with wings and
> >
> > > > > > still suck blood?" God said "OK, I'll turn you
> >
> > > > > > into a KOTEX!"
> >
> > > > > >
> >
> > > > > > Teacher: Why you rub oil on your head
> >
> > > > > > whenever I am teaching?
> >
> > > > > > Student: Last night, I heard my mum told
> >
> > > > > > my dad, rub oil on the HEAD. If not, cannot go in.
> >
> > > > > >
> >
> > > > > > British aged 90 married a 16 years old. He had
> >
> > > > > > baby every year and bragged
> >
> > > > > > that his engine was turbo. When the fifth was
> >
> > > > > > born, the nurse said "Check engine oil, baby is black".
> >
> > > > > >
> >
> > > > > > A man went to the hospital for a checkup. The
> >
> > > > > > doctor said he has penis
> >
> > > > > > cancer. He went home, upset, shouted at his wife
> >
> > > > > > with anger, "SEE, I TOLD YOU TO STOP SMOKING!"
> >
> > > > > >
> >
> > > > > > Farmer ordered a MILKING MACHINE. Tried it on
> >
> > > > > > his penis and had a wonderful
> >
> > > > > > orgasm, but can't remove it. So, he reads the
> >
> > > > > > manual and faints. It says "AUTO RELEASE AFTER 2 LITRES".
> >
> > > > > >
> >
> > > > > > Teacher: Why do cow look depressed when being milked?
> >
> > > > > > Student: Madam, if someone rubs and
> >
> > > > > > squeeze your breasts for 2 hours
> >
> > > > > > but don't f*** you, how would you feel?
> >
> > > > > >
> >
> > > > > > Woman asked god to make the penis pretty. He
> >
> > > > > > said no way. Now it's ugly and
> >
> > > > > > you suck it. If it is pretty, you would eat it.
> >
> > > > > >
> >
> > > > > > Finally doctors have found a cure to treat male
> >
> > > > > > SARS patients. 3 times a
> >
> > > > > > day, they are required to Shake, And Release Sperm.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > A man driving down the road.
> >
> >
> > A woman driving up the same road
> >
> > They pass each other
> >
> > Woman yells out window, "P I G !"
> >
> > Man yells out window, " B A S T A R D !"
> >
> > Man rounds next curve
> >
> > Crashes into a huge pig in middle of the road.
> >
> >
> >
> > Thought For the day:
> >
> > If only men would listen

i c....


Attached thumbnail(s)

As usual not from emails but what the heck...

A man learns from his doctor that he has only 24 hours to live. Given the dire prognosis, he asks his wife for sex. She agrees, naturally, and they go at it. That night, as the man goes into bed he looks at the clock and realizes that he only has eight hours left. He turns to his wife and asks, "Please, honey---just one more time before I die." "Sure dear" she replies, and they make love for the second time. After tossing and turning for another four hours, he sees that he's down to his last few hours. He rouses his wife and says, "Do you think we could..." "For God's sake!" his wife snaps. "I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"

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A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, since it was payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

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A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday."

Well, you can imagine her disappointment.

The next year, her birthday rolls around again and he doesn't't get her anything.

She says, "Why didn't't you get me a birthday present?"

He says, "You didn't't use what I got you last year!"

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A man is standing at the register of a hardware store while a clerk rings up his items.

"Excuse me, sir," says a woman in line behind the man. "But I couldn't help but notice back in the plumbing supplies aisle that you were calling your wife Crisco. Is that really her name?"

"Oh, no," says the man. "That's just a pet name I use for her in public."

"What do you call her at home?" asks the woman.

"Lard ass."

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What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.......The winner of last years Hide and Seek contest.

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A young couple is golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife slices her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course. They walk up, knock on the door, and hear a voice say, "Come on in." Opening the door, they see glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor.

A man on the couch says, "Are you the people who broke my window?" The husband begins to apologize, but the man cuts him off. "Actually, I want to thank you-I'm a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes, so what I'd like to do is give each of you one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Fantastic!" says the husband. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," says the genie, "it's the least I could do. And you, ma'am, what do you want?"

"I want a house in every country in the world," says the wife.

"Consider it done," the genie replies, turning back to the man. "And now for my wish. Because I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex in a really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband takes a long look at his wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses. If you don't mind, honey, I don't either."

The wife agrees, and the genie takes her upstairs, where he ravishes her for three hours. After he's through, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife, and asks, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"Thirty-five," she replies.

"And he still believes in genies?"

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A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?"

Bubba replied, "Well, coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!"

The coach went home early that day and went straight to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower and, seeing a window of opportunity, tore off his clothes and started banging his penis on the dresser.

His wife immediately stuck her head out of the shower and said, "Is that you, Bubba?"

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A Texas businessman is in town to meet with a large Japanese corporation. The meeting is set for a golf course the next day, so that night, the Texan decides to get some entertainment in the form of a hooker. Considering his meeting, he selects a Japanese hooker.

While they are having sex, she keeps screaming, "Ding Wa! Ding Wa!" Thinking that this must mean "great" or "awesome," he prepares to use it to impress his business associates.

So the next day, while golfing, one of the Japanese men tees it up and gets a hole in one! The Texan looks at him and says, "Ding Wa!"

The Japanese man looks up curiously and asks, "What do you mean 'wrong hole?'"

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A beautiful young woman about to undergo a minor operation is lying on a gurney in a hospital corridor awaiting the medical staff.

A man in a white coat approaches her, lifts up the sheet, and visually examines her naked body. He walks away and confers with another man in a white coat. The second man then approaches the girl and performs the same examination.

When a third man approaches her, she asks impatiently, "These examinations are fine, but when are you going to start the operation?"

He shrugs and says, "Your guess is as good as mine, lady. We're just here to paint the halls."


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman on a bus is suddenly overcome with the urge to break wind. She tries to let go a squeaker but instead lets loose a loud, disgusting blast.

The entire bus goes silent, and the embarrassed woman desperately tries to think of something to say to the man sitting next to her.

"Um...do you have a transfer ticket?" she finally asks.

"No, I don't," he replies. "But when we pass the next tree, I'll try to grab you a handful of leaves."

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A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment, where he soon discovered she was actually well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get intimate with her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors, and offered her a glass of wine.

He asked whether she preferred port or sherry and she said, "Oh, sherry, by all means. To me, it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal clear decanter fills me with an overwhelming sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and that gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma, and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world."

She continued, "On the other hand, Port makes me fart."


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A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, "Hey, lady! Man, are you ever ugly!"
Furious, the lady stormed past the store to work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey, lady! Man, are you ever ugly!"
She was incredibly ticked now.

The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey, lady! Man, are you ever ugly."
The lady was so incensed that she went into the store and threatened to sue the store to rid herself of the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey, lady!"
She paused and said, "Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."

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A guy walks into a drugstore and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I'm having three girls over tonight. I need help."

The pharmacist hands the guy Viagra Extra Strength and says, "Take all these and you'll go berserk for 12 hours."

The next day the same guy walks into the drugstore, limps up to the pharmacist, and drops his pants. His penis is all bruised and tied in a knot, and skin is hanging off in some places. He says, "Gimme a tube of Icy Hot."

The pharmacist replies in horror, "You can't put Icy Hot on that!"

"No, it's for my wrists," the guy moans. "The girls never showed up."

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A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer, and two young people show up for the tryout. One is a handsome lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it-this is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip, and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth drops to the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

The young man replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

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Adam was sitting in the Garden of Eden bored out of his mind. He didn't have anything to do and was trying to figure out how to remedy this problem. He decided to ask God.

"God," he says, "I'm bored out of my mind! I need a companion."

"Ok," He replies, "I've got the perfect thing in mind; it's called woman."

"What's that?"

"Woman is the perfect companion. She cooks, she cleans, she's a great listener, she doesn't nag, she tells great dirty jokes, she's beautiful, and to top it off, she's great in bed."

"That sounds great, but what's it going to cost me?"

"An arm and a leg."

"Shit! Alright, what can I get for a rib?"

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An attractive, well-dressed woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed. As she turns back, standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day, ma'am, how may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, how much does this rug cost?"

"Ma'am," he answers, "If you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit when you hear the price!"

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Ok this one isn't about a woman, but I thought it was damn funny.

Four guys out golfing one afternoon start getting annoyed by a very slow group ahead of them. After another 15 minutes of waiting, they decide to play through. The first three tee off, and each nearly hits the slow group. Just as the fourth guy is teeing up, the course superintendent runs up, yelling, "Hey, give those guys a break-they're blind!"

"We're so sorry," say the three guys.

The fourth guy angrily picks up his driver and whacks the ball right into one of the blind men's carts.

"f*** 'em," he says. "They could've played last night."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'f*** him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One morning a man is golfing when he meets a woman on the course. He finds her attractive, and he asks her if she'd like to play with him. So they play a round, and she wins by five strokes. Sensing the guy's embarrassment, the woman offers to accompany him to the parking lot and give him a blow job in her car to make him feel better.

For the rest of the week, they play together every morning. The woman wins by five or six strokes each time, then gives the guy a blow job in the parking lot. That weekend he invites her to his house for a romantic dinner.

She arrives and blurts out, "I must confess something to you. I'm a transvestite. I'm really a man."

"You son of a b****!" the guy replies. "You've been hitting off the women's tee all week!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, while questioning him about his life, she asked him how he had sex.
"What sex? " he asked.
She explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said "Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree. "
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly. "
She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide. "Here, " she said, "you can put it in here. "
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave Jane a kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for? "
"Tarzan not stupid - check for bees. "

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PEST CONTROL

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom
together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she pushed
him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom
discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man
replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said,... "Those little bastards."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered.
"So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them
flat and said "Well, we're not gonna have any of that sh*t in our garden."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman walks into a bar and orders a whisky on the rocks. The bartender takes the glass and grabs a handful of ice. "Wait a minute," says the woman. "I don't know where those hands have been. Please use the tongs."
The bartender gives her a funny look, but shrugs and obliges. A couple minutes later the woman notices that the bartender has a string hanging from the zipper of his pants. "Excuse me, I don't want you to get the wrong idea, but you have a string hanging from you zipper."
"Yeah, that's so when I go to the bathroom, I can just pull it out without having to touch anything," says the bartender. "That way I don't need to wash my hands."
"That makes sense," says the woman, and she continues to enjoy her drink. A few moments later, after having time to think, she adds, "I don't mean to pry, but how do you get it back in?"
The bartender smiles and replies, "That's what the tongs are for."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Four Secrets to a Happy Marriage
(from a Male Point of View)

1. It is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman who makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman who loves to have sex.
4. It is very important that these three women never meet!!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walks up to a woman and asks, "Would you sleep with me for $1,000,000?"

She quickly replies, "Yes."

So then he asks, "Would you sleep with me for $20?"

Astounded by the question she says, "Of course not. What kind of woman do you think I am?"

He says, "Well we've already determined that. Now I'm just working on a price."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TOP FIVE LIST FOR WHY COMPUTERS ARE REALLY FEMALE.

5. NO ONE BUT THEIR CREATOR UNDERSTANDS THEIR INTERNAL LOGIC .

4. EVEN YOUR SMALLEST MISTAKES ARE IMMEDIATELY COMMITTED TO MEMORY FOR
FUTURE REFERENCE

3. NATIVE LANGUAGE USED TO COMMUNICATE WITH OTHER COMPUTERS IS
INCOMPREHENSIBLE

2. "BAD COMMAND OR FILENAME" ABOUT AS INFORMATIVE AS "IF YOU DON'T KNOW
WHY I'M MAD AT YOU, THEN I'M CERTAINLY NOT GOING TO TELL YOU."

1. AS SOON AS YOU COMMIT TO ONE, YOU FIND FIND YOURSELF SPENDING HALF YOUR
PAYCHECK ON ACCESSORIES FOR IT.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightening. The passengers panic, certain that the plane is going to crash and they are all going to die. At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped to a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A hand goes up in the back of the plane, and a handsome, tall, muscular man smiles while walking up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She sees his huge muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?"

She eagerly nods her head "Yes!"

The man hands her his shirt, and says, "Here. Iron this."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks his wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that!" she claims.

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"What are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to call room service to get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that," again she claims.

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a third time."

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife a third time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thanks BugFace..! those jokes sure took alota time but worth it

>A lady lost 3 panties in her house. She blamed her maid in
>front of her husband. The maid replied: " Sir! you should know
>very well I don't wear any underwear!"
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Two ladies went through the custom check point after an oversea
>trip. Customer Officer found Lady A had seven branded panties in
>her luggage.
>When Lady A said the panties were not bought oveaseas, the Customer
>Officer asked: "Why do you need to bring seven panties on an
>oveasea trip?" Lady A replied: "I do not do washing when I am abroad.
>Don't you know that one week has seven days?"
>She was let go without having to pay tax.
>Customer Officer then opened the suitcase of Lady B and found twelve
>panties. When she insisted that she brought them from home, the Custom
>Officer asked: "Why do you need to bring twelve panties on an oversea
>trip?" The offended Lady B replied: "I also do not wash when I travel.
>Don't you know that one year has twelve months?"
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Once upon a time Cinderella was so horny so she put Pinocchio's nose
>between her legs and shouted, "Lie to me *******, Lie!!"
>
>Get it????
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Tamil ladies are always looking for sex. Each time they come across
>a guy, they would fold their hands, look down and say "wannacum"?????
>
>("Wannacum" in tamil actually means "hello"!
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Why do newly-weds have a 7 days honeymoon and not 6 or 8 days?
>
>Because 7 days make the whole(hole) week(weak)!
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Three men were chatting in the pub. The topic was on sports.
>The China Man from Taiwan said: "I have four daughters, one more
>I can form a basketball team."
>The rich tycoon from Indonesia said: "I have five sons, one more
>I can have a volleyball team."
>The third wealthy man from the Middle East has no children.
>After some hesitation, he said: "I have 17 wives, one more I can
>have a golf course."
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Two men doing a crossword puzzle.
>
>1st Man : Clue 1 is "Old MacDonald has a ....?"
>2nd Man : "Farm" I think.
>1st Man : "Yeah, that's right. Er... How do you spell "farm"?
>2nd Man : "Ummm... I dunno... maybe it is "eieio"?
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Question: What is the similarity between woman and aeroplane?
>Answer: They both have "cock-pits".
>
>Question: What is the difference between a woman having a bath
>on a Sunday morning, and one going to church on a Sunday morning?"
>Answer: The woman going to the church has "a soul full of hope"
>and the one having a bath "has a hole full of soap".
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>
>One day an elephant met a camel.
>Elephant asked, "Why your neh neh grow at your back?"
>Camel angry, said, "Why don't you ask yourself why your "ku ku jiao"
>grow on your face?"
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>
>The boss came out from his room and said "Wah! Got cake ah! Who buy?
>
>All the staff replied - "Chee Buy Lah!!!!!"
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>
>A mother and her son were flying Qantas from Perth to Sydney.
>The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother
>and said, "Why don't big planes have baby planes?"
>
>The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the
>flight attendant.
>
>So, the little boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby
>dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
>
>The flight attendant asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
>The boy said that she had.
>With a clever grin, the flight attendant said, "Tell your mother it's
>because Qantas always pulls out on time."

keep `em coming..!!

"Excuse me, Sir."


"Is that you again, Moses?"


"I'm afraid it is, Sir."

"What is it this time, Moses; more computer problems?"

"How did you guess?"

"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember ?"

"Oh, yes; I forgot."


"Tell me what you want, Moses."


"But you already know, Sir. Remember?"

"Moses!"

"Sorry, Sir."


"Well, go ahead, Moses; spit it out."


"Well, I have a question, Sir.
You know those ten 'things' you sent me via e-mail?"


"You mean the Ten Commandments, Moses?"


"That's it. I was wondering if they are important."

"What do you mean 'if they are important,' Moses?
Of course, they are important.

Otherwise, I would not have sent them to you."


"Well, sorry, Sir, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them; but, of
course, you would see right through that."

"What do you mean you 'lost them'?

Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?"


"No, Sir; I forgot."

"You should always save, Moses."

"Yes, I know. You told me that before. I was going to save them, but I forgot.
I did forward them to some people before I lost them though."

"And did you hear back from any of them?"

"You already know I did. There was the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt
not.' May he change the words a little bit?"


"Yes, Moses, as long as he does not change the meaning."


"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and
recommended calling them the 'Ten Suggestions,' or letting people pick one or
two to try for a while?"

"Moses, I will act as if I did not hear that."

"I think that means 'no.'
Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?"

"I think the term is 'spamming,' Moses."

"Oh, yes. I. E-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff, and I
have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."


"And what did he say?"


"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain.
You don't think he might have sent me one of those -- err -- plagues, and that's
the reason I lost those ten 'things', do you?"


"They are not plagues; they are called 'viruses,' Moses.."


"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me.
Can we go back to those stone tablets?
It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but at least I
never lost them."

"We will do it the new way, Moses; using computers!!"

"I was afraid you would say that, Sir."

"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"

"You told me to hold up this rat and point it toward the computer."

"It's a mouse, Moses, not a rat. Mouse! Mouse!

And did you do that?"


"No, I decided to try calling technical support first. After all, who knows
more about this stuff than you? And I really like your hours.
By the way, Sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"


"No, Moses."


"One other thing.
Why did you not name them 'frogs' instead of 'mice,' because did you not tell me
the thing they sit on is a pad?"


"I did not name them, Moses. Man did,

and you can call yours a frog if you want to."

"Oh, that explains it.
I bet some woman told Adam to call it a mouse.
After all, was it not a woman who named one of the computers 'Apple?'"


"Say good night, Moses."


"Wait a minute, Sir.
I am pointing the mouse, and it seems to be working.
Yes, a couple of the ten 'things' have come back."


"Which ones are they, Moses?"


"Let me see.
'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and
'Thou shalt not uncover Thy neighbor's wife.'"


"Turn the computer off, Moses.

I'm sending you another set of stone tablets."

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy



OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime



SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.



GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.



LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.



PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.



DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.



SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE SMART GUYS YOU KNOW CAN HANDLE IT.

A Chinese story -- proud to be a Chinese ?

A Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to Taiwan on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank.
He produces the title and everything checks out.

The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we
are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Chinese replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Amazing ...

hahahha.. read b4 this.. but its quite nice.. smart idea

1. A 95 year old man sucks his 90 year old wife's breast for half and hour and drinks 2 drops of milk.
POSTMORTEM REPORT - death due to drinking milk after EXPIRY DATE !!




2. Husband reading a book on bed with wife beside.
His finger went to tease wife's p****.

Wife start to strip herself and ask asks, "you want sex"?
Husband answer "No, I just want to wet my finger to turn the page"




3. Rooster and cat going over bridge.
Cat slips & falls into river.
Rooster can't stop laughing.
The moral of the story?

Whenever there's a wet p****, there's a happy cock.




4. There are 3 Male and 1 Female pencils in a box.
The Female pencil gets pregnant!!
Which Male pencil is responsible?

THE ONE WITHOUT THE RUBBER.




5. Girls' reaction to penis sizes:
9": "Oh shit, pain!"
7": "Oh yes, shiok!"
6": "Ohhh, perfect!"
4": "Push more!"
3": "Is it in?"
2": "Idiot! Just use your tongue!"




6. Woman in bed with husband's best friend, phone rings!
She said, "YES.. OK, BYE."
She turns to her lover and says, "THAT'S MY HUBBY, SAYS HE'S NOW
GOLFING WITH YOU."




7. There are 3 Roosters: one normal, one retarded and one gay.
Normal: "Cock-a-doodle-dooo!!!"
Retarded: "Doodle-cock-a-dooo!!!"
Gay: "Any-cock-will dooo!!!"




8. What's the most difficult GOLF COURSE in this world?
Answer: INTER COURSE.

No matter how many strokes or what style you play, your balls will never go in !!






9. FACT: Women can get a 2 inch wide penis into a 1.5 inch vagina in
pitch dark,
but can't get a f***ing 15 feet car into a 40ft parking space
in broad daylight!!




10. Teacher: Which part of the body goes to heaven first?
A kid named Johnny replies: "The LEGS.. because every night I see my
mum's legs up high and Screaming "OH GOD! I'M COMING...."




11. COCK says to his two BALLS: "I am going to take you with me to party."
The BALLS say: "You f***ing liar! You always get INSIDE and leave us
waiting OUTSIDE!!!"




12. 3 Guys were introduced to a girl.
"Hi.... I'm Peter, not a saint."
"I'm Paul, not a POPE."
"I'm John, not a Baptist..."
The girl replied.. "Hi.. I'm Mary, not a VIRGIN."




13. Q: Why do men have pubic hair?
A: A nest for their bird...

Q: Why do women have pubic hair?
A: A resting place for the coming bird!!!




14. What does it mean when a girl offers PEPSI to a guy?
P: Please
E: Enter
P: Penis
S: Slowly
I: Inside


15. Girlfriends are like appetizers - Taste good any time.
Mistresses are like tomyam - Hot and spicy. Eaten frequently.
WIVES are like maggi mee - To be eaten when there's nothing to eat!!!




16. The income tax office asked a prostitute why she put her occupation as CHICKEN FARMER.
She replied, "I RAISED 5,000 COCKS LAST YEAR!!"




17. A girl who opens her hand receives gifts.
A girl who opens her heart receives love.
But when a girl opens her legs, she receives happiness.




18. Yesterday's news: A nun jogging at Joggers' Park was raped by 4 guys.
Today's news: Nearly 100 nuns found jogging at the same park.

This post has been edited by Phoenix20: Mar 8 2004, 11:08 AM

This what i got

An arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.
> > Your name pls.
> > "Abdul Aziz "
> > "Sex? "
> > "Six times a week!! "
> > "No, no, I mean male or female! "
> >"Doesn't matters, sometimes even camel !"