An Italian, an Irish man and a Chinese man all get jobs at a
construction site. The boss of the site walks up to the three
men, points at a pile of sand behind him and then pointing at
the Italian says "You're in charge of sweeping". He then points
to the Irish man and says "You're in charge of digging". Finally
he points to the Chinese man and says "You're in charge of
supplies." He carries on speaking "I'm going to be gone for a
while and when I come back I expect to at least see you guys
have made a dent in that pile".

The boss comes back two hours later to find the pile of sand
untouched, and the Italian and Irish man standing by. He walks
up to them and shouts "what the hell have you been doing for
the last two hours, and where's the Chinese man?" The Italian
tells him "you put us two in charge of sweeping and digging, but
we don't have a broom or a spade. You put the Chinese man
in charge of supplies, but he's disappeared." The boss looks
round and searches for the strange Orient. Suddenly when the
boss approaches the pile of sand, the Chinese man jumps from
behind the sand and yells "Supplies!"

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice
place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I
come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At
MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and
MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I
come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this
place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a
drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come
from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's,
they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink,
they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the
back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually
happen to you?"

"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"

An Interesting Debate

An atheist professor of philosophy speaks to his class on the problem
science has with Krishna. He asks one of his new students to stand and.....

Professor: You are a Hare Krishna devotee, aren't you, son?
Student: Yes, sir.
Prof: So you believe in God?
Student: Absolutely, sir.
Prof: Is God good?
Student: Sure.
Prof: Is God all-powerful?
Student: Yes.
Prof: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to Krishna to heal him.
Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But Krishna didn'! t.
How is this Krishna good then? Hmm?

(The student is silent.)

Prof: You can't answer, can you? Let's start again, young fella. Is
God good?
Student: Yes.
Prof: Is Satan good?
Student: No.
Prof: Where does Satan come from?
Student: From...God...
Prof: That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?
Student: Yes.
Prof: Evil is everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything.
Correct?
Student: Yes.
Prof: So who created evil?

(The student does not answer.)

Prof: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these
terrible things exist in the world, don't they?
Student: Yes, sir.
Prof: So, who created them?


(The student has no answer.)
Prof: Tell me, son. Do you believe in Krishna?
Student: Yes, professor, I do.
Prof: Science says you have 5 senses you use to identify and observe
the world around you. Have you ever seen Krishna?
Student : No, sir.
Prof: Tell us if you have ever heard your Krishna?
Student: No, sir.
Prof: Have you ever felt your Krishna, tasted your Krishna, smelt
your Krishna? Have you ever had any sensory perception of Krishna or
God for that matter?
Student: No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.

Prof: Yet you still believe in Him?
Student: Yes.
Prof: According to empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol,
science says your Krishna doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?
Student: Nothing. I only have my faith.
Prof: Yes. Faith. And that is the problem science has.

Student: Professor, is there such a thing as heat?
Prof: Yes.
Student: And is there such a thing as cold?
Prof: Yes.
Student: No sir. There isn't.


(The lecture theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events.)
Student: Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat,
mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don't have
anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no
heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing
as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat.
We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir,
just the absence of it.

(There is pin-drop silence in the lecture theatre.)

Student: What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?
Prof: Yes. What is night if there isn't darkness?
Student: You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of
something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light,
flashing light.....But if you have no light constantly, you have
nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? In reality, darkness isn't.
If it were you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?
Prof: So what ! is the point you are making, young man?
Student: Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.
Prof: Flawed? Can you explain how?
Student: Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue
there is life and then there is death, a good God and a bad God. You
are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure.
Sir, science can't even explain a thought. It uses electricity and
magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one.
To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact
that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the
opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor. Do
you teach tour students that they evolved from a monkey?
Prof: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes,
of course, I do.
Student: Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?

(The Professor shakes his head with a smile, beginning to realize
where the argument is going.)

Student: Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at
work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going
endeavour, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a
scientist but a preacher?

(The class is in uproar.)

Student: Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the
Professor's brain?

(The class breaks out into laughter.)

Student: Is there anyone here who! has ever heard the Professor's
brain, felt it, touched or smelt it?.....No one appears to have done
so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable,
demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, sir. With
all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?

(The room is silent. The professor stares at the student, his face
unfathomable.)

Prof: I guess you'll have to take them on faith, son.
Student : That is it sir.. The link between man & god is FAITH.
That is all that keeps things moving & alive.

wow! great one!

Sex is like a restaurant. Sometimes you get full, satisfactory
service,
> > > and sometimes you have to be satisfied with "self-service".

A mobile phone is like a woman : talks non-stop, costs a fortune,
> >disturbs
> > > you when you are busy, and when you need them urgently, they
have no
> > > service.

I still like female

One day I gonna to Malta to a big hotel, in the morning I go down to eat a breakfast. I tell the waitress that I want two pieces of toast .she brings me only one piece. I tell her "I wanna two pieces". She say "Go to the toilet". I say "you don't understand, I wanna two pieces on my plate". She say to me: "you better not piss on the plate, you
sonnawab****". I do not even know this lady and she call me a sonnawab****!!

Later I go to eat at a bigger restaurant. The waiter brings me a Spoon and a knief but no fork. I tell her "I wanna a fock." and she tella me ,"everyone wanna f***." I tella her, " you don't understand me...I wanna fork on the table." She say, "You better not f*** on the table you sonnawab****."

So I go back to my room in my hotel and there is no sheets on the bed. I call the manager and tell him "I wanna a sheet." he tell me to go the toilet. I say "you don't understand I wanna a sheet on my bed." He say, "You better not shit on the bed, you sonnawab****."

I go to the Check out and the man at the desk said,"Peace on you." and I say," Piss on you too, you sonnawabicth." I gonna back to Italy!

Think U're Clever?



Below are 4 questions. Answer them instantly. You

can't take your time.


Answer them immediately. No pencil or paper! OK?

Let's find out just how smart and clever you really

are. Ready? ... GO!!!








FIRST QUESTION: You are participating in a race.

You overtake the second person.

What position are you in?













ANSWER: If you answer that you are first, then you are

Absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person

And you take his place, you are second! Try not to

Screw up in the next question.





To answer the second question, don't take as much

time as you took for the first question.

(You know you took too much time.)









SECOND QUESTION: If you overtake the last person, then

you are...?


















ANSWER: If you answered that you are second to last,

then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you

overtake the LAST person?!








THIRD QUESTION: Very tricky math! Note: This must be

done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or

a calculator. Try it.


Take 1000 and add 40 to it.

Now add another 1000.

Now add 30.

Add another 1000.

Now add 20.

Now add another 1000.

Now add 10.

What is the total?













ANSWER: Did you get 5000? The correct answer is

actually 4100.










Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is

definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last

question right?




LAST QUESTION: Mary's father has five daughters:

Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono.

What is the name of the fifth daughter?











ANSWER: Nunu? Nana? Nene? NONO! Of course not. The

fifth daughter's name is Mary.

Read the question again.


You ARE the WEAKEST LINK!! Pass this along to someone
else who could stand a little fun and a challenge
today.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Erm...

Very impressive, but this is no joke ...

Not email but what the heck

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time."

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts don't stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"

"Hmm" says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Show up naked.
.... with Beer

Joke: Electric Company
------------------------------------------------------------

A young husband comes home one night and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "Darling I have great news: I'm a month overdue I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure we can't tell anybody"

The next day a guy from the electric company rings the door-bell, because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know? stammers the young woman"

"Well, maam, it's in our files! says the man from the electric company"

"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"

"Absolutely"

"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight"

That night, she tells her husband about the visit and he, mad as a bull rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning

"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?"

"What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts

"Just calm down says the clerk it's nothing serious All you have to do is pay us"

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case sir we'd have no option but to cut yours off "

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks

"I don't know I guess she'd have to use a candle"

Man Schooling:

For those of you who are married, were married, or are contemplating
marriage - under the assumption that men need (or ought) to be trained for marriage. Southwest Tech is offering a new 2 year associates degree....

TWO YEAR DEGREE: Becoming a Real Man. That's right, in just six
mini-mesters, you, too, can be a real man as well as earn an associates degree in MA (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program
outline.

FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas

Winter Schedule:
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to getting in at 2AM
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:
MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down

Elective (See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule:
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important

Spring Schedule:
MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Passing Gas Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2

Course Electives:
EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mothers-in-law
MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her
--

Remember non of my posts are from emails but if you wish you could sent it through email...

Here are some more...

Surprise, surprise.......

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex," she said.

The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Oh, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver and the fare back to town is $25."

---------------------------------------------------------------
Poetic Justice!

The North American National Poetry Contest had come down to 2 finalists:

A Yale graduate, and a Newfie. They were given a single word, then allowed two minutes to come up

with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was TIMBUKTU'.

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped up to the microphone & said:

"SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND

TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN.

MEN ON CAMELS, TWO BY TWO

DESTINATION - TIMBUKTU".

The crowd went crazy! No way could the Newfie top that, they thought.

The Newfoundlander calmly made his way to the microphone and recited

"ME AND TIM A HUNTIN' WENT,

MET THREE WHORES IN A POP-UP TENT.

THEY WAS THREE, AND WE WAS TWO,

SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU!"

The Newfie won hands down.

PS. For us Brits, "Newfies" are from Newfoundland......
---------------------------------------------------------------

Don't mess with a woman!
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks,interview and testing were done, there were three finalists.

Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Moral: Don't mess with a Woman
---------------------------------------------------------------
An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the social worker

"10" replies the Essex girl

"10???" says the social worker.. "What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Essex girl, "its great because if they are out playing in the street, I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" asks the perturbed social worker.


"That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames"

---------------------------------------------------------------
Shocking!!!
Two old pensioners, man and wife, are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting in a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you aother."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners behind the gas works.

The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the young man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this. Not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could peform like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"


The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the young man approaches the pensioner.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that......particularly at your age!

What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"


The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that f***ing fence wasn't electrified."

---------------------------------------------------------------

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.

She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Xmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.



He said, "Darling, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, Vaseline and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

This post has been edited by BugFace: Feb 5 2004, 06:39 PM

The Guys' Rules
The Guys' Rules
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!!

Difference between boys and girls when getting cash from an ATM
>
>It is true )))
>
>Boys:
>
>
>
>1- Drive to the bank, park, go to the Cash Dispenser
>2- Insert card
>3- Dial code and desired amount
>4-Take the cash and the card
>
>
> Girls:
>
>
>
>1-Drive to the bank
>2-Check make-up in the mirror
>3- Apply perfume
>4- Manually check haircut
>5- Park car - failure
>6- Park car - failure
>7- Park car - success
>8- Search for the card in the handbag
>9- Insert card, rejected by the machine
>10- Throw phone card back in handbag
>11- look for bank card
>12- Insert card
>13- Look for piece of paper where secret code is written in handbag
>14- Enter code
>15-Study instructions for 2 minutes
>16- #Cancel#
>17- Re-enter code
>18- #Cancel#
>19- Call boyfriend to get correct code
>20- Enter desired amount
>21- #Error#
>22- Enter bigger amount
>23- #Error#
>24- Enter maximum amount
>25- Cross fingers
>26- Take cash
>27- Go back to the car
>28- Check make-up in rear mirror
>29- Look for keys in handbag
>30- Start car
>31- Drive 50 meters
>32- STOP
>33- Drive back to bank machine
>34- Go out of the car
>35- Take card back from machine
>36- Go back to the car
>37- Throw card on passenger seat
>38- Check make-up in rear mirror
>39- Manually check haircut
>40- Go into roundabout - wrong way
>41- BREAK
>42- Go into roundabout - right way
>43- Drive 5 kilometers
>44- Remove hand break

This post has been edited by - L e O -: Feb 9 2004, 10:23 AM

wah, if girl really like that, need 1 hour to take cash lor from ATM..LOL.

Nowadays ATM machine won't allowed you to take you money unless you get the card out of the machine lor! Hehe...