An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on
board,butunfortunately only 4 parachutes. The first passenger says, "I'm
Shaquille O'Neill, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, it
would be unfair to them if I died". So he takes the first parachute and
jumps.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says, "I am the wife of the former
President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman in the
world, a Senator in New York and America's potential future President." She
takes one of the parachutes and jumps.

The third passenger, George W. Bush, says, " I am the President of the
United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics.
And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of
the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to die." So he
takes a parachute and jumps.

The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old
schoolboy, "I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good
person and a priest I will give you the last parachute". The boy replies
"No problem your popeness, there is also a parachute for you. America's
most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag!!!!"

nice joke

I got a similiar language problem joke...

Akta 15 (18sx)


Sepasang kekasih baru yang bekerja sebagai
pekerjasosial.. Hamid dan Rosni selalu bersama
walau kemana jua.. Suatu malam ketika mereka
berdua keluarberdating...

Hamid : "Kita nak kemana nie?"

Rosni : "Tak kisah la.. mana-mana pun boleh"

Hamid : "Apa kata kalau kita ke pantai.."

Rosni : "Saya ok aje.."

Apabila sampai dipantai mereka berdua tidak
keluardari kereta.. mereka hanya berehat sambil
berbual-bual didalam kereta.. Mulanya berbual
biasa..lama-kelamaan.. Hamid meletakkan tangannya
dipaha Rosni.. nampaknya Rosni tidak
membantah..Beberapa minit kemudian.. Hamid
mengerakkantangannya beberapa inci ke atas...
Rosni masih tidakmembantah... hinggalah akhirnya
ketika
Hamid mengerakkan tangannya beberapa inci lagi..
Rosniberkata dengan sopan.."Abang Hamid...
ingatlah pada akta 15 dalamperlembagaan pekerja
sosial"

Setelah mendengarkan teguran Rosni itu.. Hamid
terusmenarik tangannya menjauhi Rosni..
walaupunsebenarnya dia tidak berapa ingat isi
kandungan akta15 itu..

Hamid : "Maafkan saya"

Rosni : "Tak apa"

Lalu mereka pulang... Di rumah.. Hamid terus
masuk kebilik dan membuka buku perlembagaan
pekerjasosial dan mencari akta 15.. lalu dia
membacakandungannya...

"Teruskan Usahamu.. Jangan lakukan Separuh
JalanSahaja"

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.

They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several lines of code streaming up the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity.

Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he had come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then." said God, "Let us see it Jesus fared any better."

Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers.

Satan was astonished and stuttered, "But how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"

God chuckled and replied, "Jesus saves."

Ten Things Men Know About Women




1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.





10. They have breasts.

A guy goes into this bar, sits down and orders a drink. While waiting, he sees a guy sitting at the bar who has a very big muscular body but a little tiny head. So, he asks the guy, "How is it that you have such a huge body and a small head?"

The guy replied, "I was walking along the beach one day and I came across this bottle buried halfway in the sand. So I picked it up, brushed away the sand, and out popped this fine female genie. She said she would grant me three wishes for releasing her."

"For my first wish, I asked for ten-million dollars, and POOF right there on the sand was $10,000,00."

"For my second wish, I asked for a luxury yacht, and POOF right there on the ocean was a 90-foot yacht."

"Finally for my third wish, I wanted to have sex with the genie, but she said that genies were not allowed to indulge in those kind of activities." So, I said, "How about a little head?"

TEN HUSBANDS

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.

What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative;
he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services;
he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services;
he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing;
even though he knew he had the order, didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer;
he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration;
he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing;
although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist;
all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist;
all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector;
all he ever did was ... God, I miss him!

"But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"
"Duh; you're a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

Three guys made a competition to see who would make a girl scream louder in bed.

The first one went in, meanwhile the other two stayed out and listened to the girl moan for a bit.

The second one went in and the girl screamed a little bit harder.

When the third one went in, the girl SCREAMED! and SCREAMED! About an hour later the girl came out moaning.

The first guy asked "Wow, how did you do that?" The guy, all tired and wet replied "I simply used my head".

§êX Is funny

You should have SEX on days that begin with T:

Thanksgiving,

Tuesday,

Thursday,

Today,

Tomorrow,

Thaturday?

Thunday?

Every Thucking day!



Sex is:

like Nokia (connecting people)

like Nike (Just do it)

like Pepsi (ask for more)

like Coca Cola (Enjoy)

like me (too good to be true)

> > > > > > Things You Would Never Know Without Indian Movies
> > > > > > =================================================
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 1. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating
> > > > > > but
> > > > > > will wince when a woman tries to cleanse his wounds.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 2. The hero cannot fall in love with the heroine(vice versa) unless
> > > > > > they
> > > > > > first perform a dance number in the rain.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 3. Once applied, make-up is permanent, in rain or in any other
> > > > > > situation.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 4. Two lovers can be dancing in the field and out of nowhere, 100
> > > > > > people
> > > > > > will appear from god-knows-where and joins them in the dance.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 5. In the final scene, the hero will discover that the bad guy who
> > > > > > he is
> > > > > > up against is actually his brother and the maid who looked after him
> > > > > > is
> > > > > > his mother and the chief inspector is his father and the Judge is
> > > > > > his
> > > > > > uncle and so forth.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 6. Key English words used in the movie (usually said out loud
> > > > > > between
> > > > > > sentences) are No Problem!, My God!, Get Out!, Shut-up!,
> > > > > > Impossible!,
> > > > > > Please forgive me!
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 7.They drop down on grounds and roll and roll while singing and came
> > > > > > out
> > > > > > with different clothings.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 8.They can run around the coconut trees, singing, battling eyeslid,
> > > > > > and
> > > > > > throwing glances at each other and change clothes all at the same
> > > > > > time
> > > > > > without being out of breath.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > ------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > > > Things You Would Never Know Without Chinese Swordsman Movies
> > > > > > ============================================================
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 1. Being the hero's parents will always be unlucky and will usually
> > > > > > be
> > > > > > killed by enemies when the hero is young, and the hero will become
> > > > > > an
> > > > > > orphan.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 2. When a man is wounded and dying, he always manage to catch his
> > > > > > breath
> > > > > > and speak a few sentences to reveal the killer before dropping his
> > > > > > head
> > > > > > and declare dead.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 3. Skilled people are able to fly over roof tops, up trees and
> > > > > > across
> > > > > > distances without any sweat. But when travelling to towns and
> > > > > > villages,
> > > > > > they still have to walk or ride horses.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 4. The heroes need not have to work for money, but will always have
> > > > > > golds and silvers with them to pay for their dishes.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 5. The heroes and villains will meet each other very often no matter
> > > > > > how
> > > > > > big the country is and no matter where they are.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 6. Healing internal wounds in the body is as easy as sitting down
> > > > > > cross-legged, palms on the knees and smoke coming out from the head.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 7. They can keep alot of stuff in their sleeves and waistband and
> > > > > > never
> > > > > > drop them.Especially alot of gold and silver ingots...

A small truth to make our Lifes 100%.......
>
>If A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
>Is equal to 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17
>18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
>
>Then Hardwork= H+A+R+D+W+O+R+K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% only
>
>Knowledge=K+N+O+W+L+E+D+G+E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% only
>
>Love=L+O+V+E=12+15+22+5=54%
>
>Luck=L+U+C+K = 12+21+3+11 = 47% (don't most of us think this is most)
>
>important???)
>
>Then what makes 100% Is it Money? ..... No!!!!!
>
>Leadership? ...... NO!!!!
>
>Every problem has a solution, only if we perhaps
>
>change our attitude.
>
>To go to the top, to that 100%
>
>what we really need to go further..... a bit more.......
>
>Attitude=A+T+T+I+T+U+D+E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
>
>It is OUR ATTITUDE towards Life and Work that makes
>
>OUR Life 100%
>
>Don't you think so?!?!?!?!
>
>

Two teenagers were out on a date. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the
alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."

She replied, "Fifteen bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you
LOOK at it."

They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her panties, and he gets down on
his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out
his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair...
it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."

She says, "Thank you."

The boy says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"

She told him, "Go ahead."

He asks, "Can you PEE through all that hair?"

She replied, "Of course."

Her boyfriend says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire. Put out the
brushfire!"

CLEVER MUM

Mrs. Ferrara went to visit her son Anthony for
dinner...who lives with a female roommate Vikki.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help
but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between
the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two
interact, she started to wonder if there was more
between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I
know what you're thinking, Mom, but I assure you,
Vikki and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Vikki came to Anthony saying, "Ever
since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to
find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took
it, do you?"

"Well, I can't imagine that she would do such a thing,
but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

-----------------
Dear Momma,

I'm not saying that you did take the sugar bowl from my
house, and I'm not saying that you did not take it.

But the fact remains that it has been missing ever
since you were here for dinner.

Love, Anthony

----------------------

Several days later, Anthony received a response email
from his Momma which read:

----------------------

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you do sleep with Vikki, and I'm
not saying that you do not sleep with her. But the
fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed,
she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love, Momma

----------------------

Lesson - Don't lie to your Mother!

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love
him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a
lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she
does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT
GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the
ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I
started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
_________________

Subject: 5th Grade!!!

First-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in third-grade too!" The
teacher had enough. She took Harry to the Principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.
Principal : "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry : "9"
Principal : "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry : "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a
third-grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade." The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Harry: "Legs"

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)
Harry: "Pockets".

Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes open really wide
and before he could stop the answer....)
Harry: "Coconut"
Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum"
Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting
down and a dog do on three legs?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and
before he could stop the answer...)
Harry: "Shake hands".
Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?"
Harry: "Yup"
Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to
get me up.
I get wet before you do."
Harry: "Tent"
Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're
bored. The best man always has me first." (Principal was looking restless and a bit tense)
Harry: "Wedding Ring"
Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip.
When you blow me, you feel good."
Harry: "Nose"
Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come
with a quiver."
Harry: "Arrow"
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that
means a lot of excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
"Put this ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

oh yeah?let me give some advice on how to go to the top


B+U+L+L+S+H+I+T =103%

beat that!

Erm, this is not a joke right? Duh.. wrong title..

The Perfect Couple


Once: upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a
perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together
was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect
couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they
noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect
couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge
bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of
Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their
vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect
couple; and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the
accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?

(Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it.)























Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really
existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and
there is no such thing as a perfect man.


**** Women stop reading here, this is the end of the joke.
**** Men keep scrolling.










































So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have
been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.


Men Keep scrolling








































































By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this
illustrates another point: Women never listen.