B-U-T-T-K-I-S-S-I-N-G = 2+21+20+20+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 151%...

i get from my e-malis
i hope you all happy with your loves people

In this world where got perfect ppl 1

If got i

Anyway it is funny though

This post has been edited by bioweapon83: Nov 23 2003, 12:58 AM

>For your reading pleasure........
>A Chinese man walks into a bar in America late one
>night and he
>sees Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his
>movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his
>autograph.
>
>Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You
>Chinese people
>bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here."
>
>The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the
>Chinese who
>bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese".
>
>"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same,"
>replied
>Spielberg.
>
>In return, the Chinese man gives Spielberg a slap and
>says, "You
>sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."
>Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that
>sank the
>ship,not me."
>
>The Chinese man, replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg,
>Carlsberg, you're
>all the same."

30 ways to point out someones intelectual failings

1. The wheels spinning, but the hamsters dead.
2. The cheese slid off his cracker.
3. As smart as bait.
4. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
5. The chimney's clogged.
6. The elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
7. Forgot to pay his brain bill.
8. Her sewing machine is out of thread.
9.A few beers short of a six-pack
10. His antenna doesn't pick up all channels.
11. If he had another brain it would be lonely.
12. Missing a few buttons to his remote control.
13. Proof that evolution can go in reverse.
14. Reciever is off the hook.
15. Several nuts short of a full pouch.
16.Skylight leaks a little.
17. Too much yardage between the goal posts.
18.No grain in the silo.
19. A few clowns short of the circus.
20. A few fries short of a happy meal.
21. A sandwich short of a picnic.
22. One froot loop shy of a full bowl.
23. A few feathers short of the whole duck.
24. All foam, no beer.
25. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
26. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
27. A few peas short of a casserole.
28. The lights are on, but nobody's home.
29. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
30. A few bricks shy of a house.

Two good old boys, Bubba and Junior have been promoted from Privates
to Sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey,
Junior, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have a drank."
"But we's privates," protests Junior.

"We's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside. "Now, Junior, I'm
gonna sit down and have me a drank."

"But, we's privates," says Junior.

"You blind, boy?" asks Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants
now."

So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.

"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you some place and make you
feel good but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the
dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay
sign."

Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of
gonorrhea. "Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?"

"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates."
Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now."

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder
going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed
the ladder.

He reached a cloud, upon which was sat a rather plump
and homely looking woman. "Screw me or climb the
ladder to success" she said. No contest, thought the man,
so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud
was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on
the eye.

"Screw me or climb the ladder to success" she said.
"Well", thought the man, "might as well carry on. On the
next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time,
was really hot.

"Screw me now or climb the ladder to success" she
uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder,
the man thought to himself that this was getting better the
further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty.
Slim, attractive, everything he could want. "Screw me or
climb the ladder to success" she flirted.

Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a
gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he
reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man,
arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his crotch.

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello" said the ugly fat man said, "my name's Cess!"

City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her
new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa
bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the
bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.The cop said,
"Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl
looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring
it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at
the cop and said,


"Next year tell Santa the d*** goes underneath the horse,
not on top."

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After the mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, " When i am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, i put a glass of vodka next to the glass of water. If i start to get nervous i take a sip". So the next sunday the new priest took the monsignor's advice. At the begining of the surmon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to take up a storm. When he returned to his office afterwards, he found the following note on the door.

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments not 12.

3. There are 12 deciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the Late JC.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, son and spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say 'he was stoned off his ass'.

10. We do not refer to the Cross as Big T.

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper, he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body". He did not say "Eat me".

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the "Mary with the cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God".

14. Next sunday there will be a taffy - pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter - pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Apologies to hurt sensitivities if any.
_________________

Cool!!

So Funny lor... I love!!

can anyone send me a forward message? please? because i want to send to all my friend lor...

If i got forward message then i can send u too.. if u won't then ok just send me forward message ok?

Dont be worry about spam... I promise...

my email : oliviaong@hotpost.co.uk

Thanks!

MUAHAHAHAHA~~~ ROFLMAO!!

All my jokes are not from emails since all those I block off... anyway here are some more cool jokes....



A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police
cruiser pulled her over and walked up to the car. The police officer also
happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally
said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on
it!"

The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small
rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and
said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde
policewoman.

The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and
said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer
too, we could have avoided all this hassle."

Once there lived a woman who had a maddening
passion for baked beans. She loved them but
unfortunately, they had always had a very
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.
Then one day she met a man and fell in love.

When it became apparent that they would marry
she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and
gentle man, he would never go for this carrying
on." She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up
beans. Some months later her car broke down on
the way home from work. Since she lived in the
country she called her husband and told him that
she would be late because she had to walk home.

On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor
of the baked beans was more than she could stand.
Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that
she would walk off any ill effects by the time she
reached home.

So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew
it, she had consumed three large orders of baked
beans. All the way home she putt-putted, and upon
arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could
control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and
exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for
dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her
to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just
as he was about to remove the blindfold from his
wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not
to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went
to answer the telephone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still
affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost
unbearable, so while her husband was out of the
room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight
to one leg and let it go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer
truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill.
She took her napkin and fanned the air around her
vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and
ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked
cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the
other room, she went on like this for another ten
minutes. When the telephone farewells signaled the
end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more
times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded>
her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband
returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her
if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was
surprised!! There were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!

Tw goats are out behind amovie studio eating old movie film. One goat says to the other, "Pretty good huh?"
The second goat says, "Yeah, but its not as good as the book."

Did you hear about the two television aerials who got married? The wedding was rubbish, but the recption was great!

Woman in crowd at a political rally where Sir Winston Churchill is speaking: "you mongrel Churchill, if you were my husband I'd put rat poison in your tea."
Churchill: "And if you were my wife, Ma'am, I'd drink it!"

I used to feel like a man trapped in a womans body, but then i was born...

This rich guy is talking to a poor guy in a bar and it comes up that both their wives have birthdays in the next week. The rich man says, "I bought my wife a roles royce and a pair of sneakers."
The poor man said, "I get the car, but whay the sneakers?"
"If she doesn't like the car she can damn well walk. " The rich man chuckled to himself. "What did you get your wife.?"
"A new set of pots and pans and a dildo."
"I get the pots and pans, but why the dildo?"
"If she doesn't like the pots and pans she can go "bad word" herself."

Inflation: When the buck doesn't stop anywhere.

Wally goes into an electrical store.
"do you have colour TV's."
"Certainly."
"Great I'll have a green one."

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect women
met.After a perfect courtship, they had a wedding. Their life
together was, of course, perfect.


One snowy, stormy Christmas
Eve, this perfect couple were driving their perfect car (a Audi
Quatro) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the
side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple,they
stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle
of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the Eve of
Christmas. The perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into
their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunatly, the driving conditons deteriorated and the perfect
couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one survived the
accident.

Who was the survivor?







The perfect woman survived.
She's the only one who really existed in the first place.Everyone
knows there is no santa claus and there is no such thing as a
perfect man.


Women stop reading here, that is the end of the
joke.


Men scroll down.



























































So if there is no perfect man and no
Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This
explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you're a
woman and you are reading this, this illustrates another point.





Women never listen.

Joke related to US


For a couple of years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and
too much pressure from my job, but now I've found out the
real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million.

104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the
work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do
the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal
government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million
to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for
state and city governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do
the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals,
leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

A man was walking along a California beach when he stumbled
across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out
popped a genie. The genie said, "OK, so you released me from
the lamp blah blah blah, but this is the fourth time this week and
I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about
three. You only get one wish."

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've
always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm too scared to fly and I
get very seasick. So could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I
can drive over there?"

The genie laughed and replied, "That's impossible. Think of the
logistics. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the
Pacific? Think of how much concrete....how much steel you will
need. No, think of another wish."

The man agreed and tried to think of a really good wish. He
said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives have
always said I don't care and that I'm insensitive. I wish that I
could understand women. To know what they are thinking when
they give me the silent treatment, To know why they are crying,
To know what they want when they say 'nothing'...."

The genie replies, "Do you want that bridge with two lanes or
four?"

>Condom says to Kotex, "When you work, I lose seven days of business."
>Kotex replies, "If you fail to work once, my business stops for nine
>months!"
>******************
>A camel and an elephant met, and the elephant asked: "Why do you have your
>tits on your back?"
>The camel responded: "What a silly question from someone who has a d*** on
>his face!"
>******************
>A black guy and a white girl met at a nite club. She took him to her
>apartment and said: "tie me to the bed and do what black men do best!"
>So he ran off with the TV and VCD...
>*****************
>Wife: "I wish I were a newspaper, so you can hold me every morning!"
>Husband: "I wish you're a newspaper TOO, my dear so I can have a NEW ONE
>every morning!"
>*******************
>A Chinese couple got married. When baby was born, her eyes were big and
>blue, hair was curly and blonde, skin was brown. Finally, name of the
>baby was SAM TING LONG ("some thing wrong")
>*******************
>A lady visited her doctor one morning.
>Doc said: "You look so weak and exhausted! Are you eating your meals 3
>times a day as I advised?
>Lady : "Doc, I thought you said 3 males a day!"
>*******************
>Phone rings and maid picks up the phone as her master is bathing.....
>When the caller asked what's he doing, the maid replied:
>"MASTURBATING."(master bathing)
>*********************************

>Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.
>
>One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
>suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank like a stone to the bottom and
>stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom
>and pulled him out.
>
>When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act, he immediately
>ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to
>be mentally stable. When he went to tell her the news, he said,
>"Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being
>discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of
>another patient, I think you've regained your senses".
>"The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in the
>bathro om with the belt of his robe. I am so sorry, but he's dead".
>
>Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry".