tulips ar such beautiful flowers..

btw.. i luv two lips between 2 leg..

Here's mine! Dunno whether u guys have read this yet!

The Inexperienced Chili Taster

These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey. "Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off."

"Apparently, the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event."

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A bean-less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Shelly, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300-lb. b**** is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Shelly saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. The heck with those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Shelly. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.

FRANK: (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report.)

A Realistic Look At Job Descriptions


An ADULT is a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is
now growing in the middle.

CANNIBAL Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS are the only animals you eat before
they are born and after they are dead.

A COMMITTEE is a body that keeps minutes and
wastes hours.

DUST is mud with the juice squeezed out.

An EGOTIST is someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

A GOSSIP is a person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do
more damage.

A HANDKERCHIEF is cold storage.

INFLATION is cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

A MYTH is a female moth.

A MOSQUITO is an insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISINS are grape with a sunburn.

A SECRET is something you tell to one person at a time.

A SKELETON is a bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

A TOOTHACHE is the pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW is one of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

A YAWN is an honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES are something other people have. You have character lines.

A BANKER is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is
shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

An ECONOMIST is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he
predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
.
A STATISTICIAN is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the
personality to be an accountant.

An ACTUARY is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that
decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

A PROGRAMMER is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had
in a way you don't understand.

A MATHEMATICIAN is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which
isn't there.

A TOPOLOGIST is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee
cup and a doughnut.

A LAWYER is a person who write a 10,000 word document and calls it
a "brief."

A PSYCHOLOGIST is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful
girl enters the room.

A PROFESSOR is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A SCHOOLTEACHER is a disillusioned woman
who used to think she liked children.

A CONSULTANT is someone who takes the watch
off your wrist and tells you the time.

A DIPLOMAT is someone who can tell you to
go to hell in such a way that you will look
forward to the trip.

This post has been edited by (N)3: Aug 22 2003, 09:26 AM

hi all...here is one translated from mandarin...hopefully i've made it presentable enuff :

A guy went to a beach, and there he saw a lot of naked gorgeous ladies, and with full of satisfaction, he lied on the sand then, with his body naked, too.
There came a little sunny girl just before he finally fall asleep, pointing at his private part and asking this question:"Hello uncle, what is this??"
This guy answered impatiently:" This is just a BIRD. Get away from me!"
**************************************************************************
He just aware that he was in a hospital when he woke up, and got nurses having duties around. And then he felt a unbearable pain from his bottom part.
He asked:" Can anyone tell me what's going on to me?? Why am I here??"
All the faces of the nurses turned red and some of them even start laughing...and then the little sunny girl came in and answered his question just in time:" Hello uncle, is me!"
He roared angrily:" What the hell is going on!! Why you keep appear before me!! Tell me you little b****!!"
The little sunny girl:"Oh cool down uncle. Its actually not a big deal at all...just somehow they all took it so seriously...Alright, I was just playing with your BIRD when you were sleeping just now. And then somehow your BIRD got angried suddenly, stood up straight and stared at me angrily. But I kept playing with it...and your BIRD spitted to me!! What a rude BIRD...So, I thought I should give it some lessons...And then, I splitted its HEAD, stepped on its two EGGS, and finally burned its NEST..."
The guy fainted straight away and the little sunny girl asked the people around with her innocent face:" What's wrong with this uncle? I did nothing harmful to him but his BIRD only..."

This post has been edited by lummaomao: Aug 27 2003, 05:53 PM

ahaha
sakit !!

>Subject: FW: Learning Japanese

>
>
>
>1. How does a broken hearted Japanese call himself?
>Hatikukecewa.
>
>2. What does a Japanese say to a girl when he wants to harass her?
>Marikuraba.
>
>3. How to call a dirty-minded Japanese?
>Otakukoto.
>
>4. How does a group of Japanese boys say when they want to f*** a girl?
>Ramaiboleka.
>
>5. How to call a cheap Japanese prostitute?
>Pukimura.
>
>6. How does a flat-chested Japanese girl describe herself?
>Tetekurata.
>
>7. What does a Japanese man say to a refused Japanese girl?
>Maukasika.
>
>8. How does a Japanese man ask a girl if his d*** is small?
>Konekukecika.
>
>9. How does a Japanese man invite girl to have sex with him?
>Maumainka.
>
>10. How does a Japanese ask if they are hairy?
>Adalebatka.
>
>Amacam, boleh luluska ??????.

i am suprised he didn't wake up

Jue;

Your post darn hilarious and funny lolz

edited

This post has been edited by hashinclude: Sep 6 2003, 12:13 AM

now ..the add-on from F1meteor's post on Jun 25 2003, 03:20 PM


if girls = evil and men = (evil)^3

this means that men = (girls) ^3

so we are FORCED to conclude that it takes 3 girls to simply equal 1 man

because of that ...
men > girls

things u dont want to hear during surgery

1. ''Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.''

2. ''Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.''

3. ''Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness''

4. ''Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!''

5. ''Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?''

6. ''Hand me that... uh... that uh... ..thingie.''

7. ''Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.''

8. ''Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?''

9. ''Damn, there go the lights again... .''

10. ''Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them.''

11. ''What do you mean you want a divorce?''

Good Morning ladies and gentlemen, This is your captain Banta Singh welcoming you to Punjab Airlines. We apologize for the 4 days delay in taking off owing to bad weather and some overtime I had put in the Bakery.
This is Flight 012 to New Delhi. Landing in Delhi is not guaranteed but we will end up somewhere in the East. And if Luck is in our favour, we may even be landing on your village.

Punjab Airlines has an excellent record for safety. In fact our safety standards are so high that even the terrorists are afraid to fly with us. It is with pleasure that I announce that starting this year over 50% of our passengers have reached their destination. For the ones that don't quite make it, Punjab Airlines staff have all the requisite experience for consoling the next of the kin. Our stewardess Bubbly will be happy to brief you on our out of court settlement.

If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request we can arrange to turn them off. To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable we serve complimentary Tea and Biscuits. For our Religious passengers we are the only airline who can help you find out if there really is a God!

We regret to inform you that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television. But for our movie buffs we will be flying right next to the Air India Aircraft so the movie will be visible from the right side of the window.

There is no smoking in this airplane. Any smoke that you see in this cabin is the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down!

Life jackets are positioned under the seats and free bathing costumes are available to aunties and swimming shorts to the uncles for emergency jumps. In order to catch important land marks we try to fly as close as possible for the best view. If however you would like to have a closer look do let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilots sometimes flies right through the landmark.

Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take off and fasten your seatbelts. For those of you who cannot find a seat belt fasten your own belt to the arm of your chair. And for those of you who cannot find a seat do not hesitate to get in touch with a flight attendant for your suitcase.

Sorry!! But I won't be flying with you today because I have to attend my nephew's wedding. But please make yourself at home and help yourself to the cockpit. Thank you for choosing Punjab Airlines. Have a pleasant journey. " BALLE BALLE ".

One day a taxi driver went to Subang airport to pick up a passenger from the states. One the way to KL they pass by DAYA BUMI."Hmmmm... how long does this building needed to be built?"he ask the foreigner. "ah....three years only lah..."he answer."wat building like this one need three years ."he said.When they approach the Maybank building the tourist ask again.."how long to built this building".

By now the driver is wiser"oh only 2 years.."he said "HuH!!!.. in my country it takes only one year."the tourist inform him.When the pass by the Kl tower..he ask again"then how about this tower??" The driver said "this one is shorter....so we need only a year."Oh my god " said the american "in states it takes only 6 months".

The driver is angry now. He drove faster. When he pass by KLCC(twin tower)Again the passenger ask "wat about this skycramper here??" Squeeeeeeeek!!!. He pulled the hand brake.GEt off from the car and stare at the KLCC.

The foreigner was suprise and get off the cab The driver then said "wat the heck ..THIS BUILDING WASN'T HERE WHEN I PASS THIS ROAD AN HOUR AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" 
____________________

One day, a man was walking in the forest.

He shouted," God, God, are you there?"

"Yes, my dear child, I'm here!" the God replied.

"God, I want to know a few things from you," that man shouted.

"Fine, shoot."

"God what's a million dollars to you ?" He asked.

"Oh! It is like a penny," God repiled.

"Then what's a million years to you?" He asked.

"Oh! It is like a second to me."

"God, I want a favour from you."

"My dear, what is it?"

"Can you give me a million dollars?"

"Oh, sure, just a second!!"

maloa

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you
and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me
unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed
still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared from nowhere and
shamelessly without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...you
sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any
guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me.
Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched
for you, but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last nights
events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing,
making it harder to forget you. Tonight I will remain awake waiting for
you...you darn... mosquito!

STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS:

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think,
Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

1) Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

2) Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".

3) Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".

4) Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"

5) My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

6) Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".

7) Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".

8) Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

9) Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

10) Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".

11) Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."

12) Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."

1. Doctor's advice: Penis is the healthiest food. It comes with a
sausage accompanied by 2 eggs & a bunch of seaweed. For
exotic taste,
shake well for mayonise sause.

2. Latest news! Tom Cruise is in love with Thai princess but the
King
will not allow their marriage unless Tom Cruise changes his
name to
"Tom Yam".

3. A baby dog asked mama dog how papa look like? Mama dog reply:
"Your
papa came from behind & I didn't have chance to see his
face"!

4. Durex says to Whisper: "When you work, I lose my business for
about
7 days". Whisper replies: "If you fail to work just once, my
business
stops for 9 months !!"

5. A lady visited her doctor again. Doc said: "YoU look more sick
&
exhausted than before. ARe you having 3 meals a day as I
advised?"
Lady: "What ? I thought you said 3 males a day!"

6. A priest lost his HEN & asked during mass. "Anyone got a cock?"
All
men stood up. He said again "I mean anyone seen a cock?" All
women
stood up. He said again " I meant anyone seen my cock?" All
nuns stood
up.

7. What women think about sex:
- At age 8, ignore it
- At age 18, experience it
- At age 28, look for it
- At age 38, ask for it
- At age 48, beg for it
- At age 58, pay for it
- At age 68 , pray for it
- At age 78, forget it !

8. I want you to know that our friendship means a lot to me.
You cry, I cry.
You laugh, I laugh.
When you jump down from the window..... I look down & shout
"Confirm Si
Liao"........

_..--""""""""""--.._
.'` ______ `'. The worried housewife sprang to the
__/ _.-;" ";-._ \ telephone when it rang and listened
(("| || '--------' || | with relief to the kindly voice in
))\_,.-;` .-""""-. `;-.,_/ her ear as it asked, "What kind of
(( | .' .==. '. | a day are you having?"
)) | / /` __ `\ \ |
(( | | | (__) | | | "Oh, mother," said the housewife,
)) _.| \ \ / / | breaking into bitter tears, "I've had
(( /.-| '. `'=='` .' | such a bad day. The baby won't eat and
\'-'/ | '-....-' | the washing machine broke down. I
`"` |'-..________..-'| haven't had a chance to go shopping, I've
jgs | | just sprained my ankle, the house is a
'-..__________..-' mess and I'm having company for dinner."

The mother was shocked "Sit down, and relax. I'll be over to take
care of everything and I'll call Fred at the office and tell him to
go home at once."

"Fred?" said the housewife. "Who's Fred?"

"Why, Fred! Your husband!"

"But my husband's name is Mike!" the housewife sobbed.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number," said the voice on
the line.

There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean
you're not coming over?"